It's not as if a site disclaimer like this would ever hold up in court, and besides FOX doesn't even take X-Files site owners to court, they go to the site sponser and have it taken down... very underhanded... but I digress. I figured that if nothing else a disclaimer would at least make it look like I *tried*... However, this is the day where no one can figure out exactly what the word 'is' means, so I'd better spell this out.

Dear FOX legal types, Chris Carter, and, well, whoever's reading this, I own The X-Files. Oh yeah. You'd better believe it. I know it probably comes as a pretty big surprise to you. Here all this time you thought that YOU owned the show. I mean, Mr. Carter, you thought it up, right? You got the name 'Fox' from a childhood friend, and 'Scully' from the baseball guy.

And you legal types... you probably thought this was your show, too, huh? After all, you've been getting all the money from the show, and you're able to terrorize 'unauthorized' X-Files site owners and the like. Yeah, I'm sure you're all real proud of yourselves. The truth is, it's my show.

You see, I'm an alien, and during one of Mr. Carter's many abductions, I got this idea and told him everything that was going on: the experiments, the work with the government... everything! After we returned him, he somehow remembered this and decided that the whole thing was a really good idea for a show! My superiors were none too happy, believe you me, but luckily Mr. Carter was a surfer boy and, upon his return to the planet, had messed up a lot of the details of the invasion. So at least the important details were safe. So I allowed Mr. Carter to develop his television program, and was surprised to find that, from an extraterrestrial perspective at least, it was quite enjoyable.

As an alien I have no need for the revenue the show brought in - I mean, we're gonna rule the world in... what? 15 years? - so I generally let you Fox folks keep it. I didn't interfere with the movie. Even though I keep *telling* Carter during his brainwashing sessions that Mulder and Scully should hook up, he will have none of it. That's ok. I've got a year left. So look. You get the rights. You get the money. You've got the creative lisence except for when I brainwash the creator. So you can at least let me maintain an itty-bitty site devoted to *my* show, right? Right.

After all, I don't even have any screen captures, wav files... yet. So just don't even go there.

I'm not saying that I own Mr. Duchovny or Ms. Anderson. I don't. I do however own Nick Lea. He lives in my closet with E.T. and Yoda. And before you start babbling about the SAG and actors rights, he's very happy in there. All three of them are. They're becoming very close. I'll say it again. My show. Mine.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Alien

P.S. For the record, if you would like to contact me concerning this letter, you... well... you can't. I'm in a spaceship, you idiots! We could always just use Mr. Carter as a middleman, though. I see *him* quite often.

Not exactly what you were expecting, was it?