Author’s Introduction: Since I adore both shows...And since I'm terribly, terribly bored at work today. Here comes Voyager's Weakest Link!

(VOICE-OVER) One of these people could win One Million Dollars. But we're going have to work as a team and then vote them off. Blah blah blah. As we play...The Weakest Link!!

TORRES: I'm B'Elanna, Voyager's chief engineer. Beautiful genius.

JANEWAY: I'm Janeway, Voyager's captain. Don't mess with me, Anne.

CHAKOTAY: I'm Chakotay, Voyager's first officer. Please don't vote me off right away

TUVOK: I'm Tuvok, Voyager's tactical officer. And these other people are toast

NEELIX: I'm Neelix, Voyager's chef/morale officer. I often make these people toast

SEVEN: I'm Seven, Voyager's...Whatever it is I do. I sleep with this show's producer, too

HOST: Good luck everybody. Lets play...The Weakest Link!!

ROUND ONE

HOST: B'Elanna, what is the square root of 120,409?

B'ELANNA: 347

HOST: Correct! Kathryn, who was the 3rd President of the United States

KATHRYN: I don't respond well to History questions

HOST: Wrong! Chakotay, how do you spell dog?

CHAKOTAY: Um...Er..."D"...No, that's not right. Pass!

HOST: Wrong! Tuvok, who coined the phrase "the needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few"?

TUVOK: Ambassador Spock

HOST: Correct! Neelix, who invented the Leola Root?

NEELIX: Mr. Leola?

HOST: I'll accept that. Seven, who was the first man to walk on the moon?

SEVEN: Brannon Braga

HOST: Wrong!

SEVEN: You mean he lied to me??

HOST: And our time is up. Congratulations, team. You managed to bank absolutely positively nothing!

CHAKOTAY: Yahoo!

HOST: You see, Chakotay. The point of the game is to make money

CHAKOTAY: Oh, well in that case...Poop!

HOST: Okay, team. Time to vote. Which of your teammates is a few dilithium crystals short of a warp core?

(insert canned laughter from the audience)

HOST: Vote off...The Weakest Link!!

(VOICE-OVER): B'Elanna was the strongest link in that round. She answered her question and looked stunning when she did so. Chakotay was the weakest link. He stood there with his finger up his nose.

HOST: Okay, team. Who'd you vote for?

B'ELANNA: Neelix

JANEWAY: Seven of Nine

CHAKOTAY: Neelix

TUVOK: Neelix

NEELIX: Chakotay

SEVEN: Janeway

HOST: B'Elanna, why'd you vote for Neelix?

B'ELANNA: Three words: Briefing With Neelix

HOST: Chakotay, why'd you vote for Neelix?

CHAKOTAY: I meant to vote for Al Gore

HOST: Neelix, with three votes. You are the weakest link...Goodbye!

(Backstage) NEELIX: I don't know why Tuvok voted for me. The two of us have always been the best of friends. He couldn't possibly still be upset about me making him dance...Could he?

ROUND TWO:

HOST: Okay, team. So far you've banked zero! Remember, that's still bad, Chakotay.

CHAKOTAY: Gotcha

HOST: We'll start with the strongest link from the last round, that's B'Elanna. Lets play...The Weakest Link!

HOST: B'Elanna, what is the diameter of the planet Jupiter?

B'ELANNA: 88,536 miles

HOST: Correct! Janeway, who was the leader of the Third Reich?

JANEWAY: Rick Berman

HOST: Wrong! Chakotay, how many eyes does the average person have?

CHAKOTAY: My name doesn't have any "i"s. So the answer is zero

HOST: Wrong! Tuvok, who coined the phrase "Beam me up Scotty"?

TUVOK: Um...Scotty?

HOST: Wrong! Seven, which country-western singer is famous for her very large breasts?

SEVEN: I never sang any country songs

HOST: Wrong! And our time is up! Once again, you twits banked absolutely nothing!

JANEWAY: Bank!!

HOST: Too late, my dear.

JANEWAY: I don't like bullies...And I don't like you!

HOST: Okay team. Time to vote again. Which of these drones is the most pedantic?

(Insert canned laughter from the audience)

HOST: Time to vote off...The Weakest Link!

(VOICE-OVER): B'Elanna was the strongest link for the second round in a row. She's the only one who got a question right. Chakotay was the weakest link in that last round. However, he's gone from picking his nose to scratching his butt. But will the team have noticed?

HOST: Okay. Voting over. Time to announce the results.

B'ELANNA: Tuvok

JANEWAY: Seven of Nine

CHAKOTAY: Tuvok

TUVOK: Chakotay

SEVEN: Janeway

HOST: Janeway, this is the second round in a row that you've voted for Seven. Do you not like her?

JANEWAY: Boy are you sharp!

HOST: Chakotay, why have you voted for Tuvok?

CHAKOTAY: I thought he was the weakest link that time

HOST: Once again, you're wrong. You were the weakest link in that round

CHAKOTAY: Oh. Is it too late to change my vote?

HOST: I'm afraid so. Tuvok, with two votes. You are the Weakest Link...Goodbye!

(Backstage) TUVOK: I can't believe Chakotay has made it this far. He can't even tell the difference between a Cardassian and a Bajoran!

ROUND THREE:

HOST: Okay team, you are still standing there with your big fat goose egg. Let's move on to Round Three. Get ready. And lets play...The Weakest Link!

HOST: B'Elanna, what is the tenth tallest mountain in the world?

B'ELANNA: The Gasherbrum

HOST: Correct! Janeway, who was the first female executed by capital punishment?

JANEWAY: Seven of Nine

HOST: Wrong!

JANEWAY: But then I went back in time and prevented her from being executed.

HOST: I'm sorry, I have to accept your first answer. Chakotay, What species came before Species 8472?

CHAKOTAY: Um....47?

HOST: Wrong! Seven, what was the name of Voyager's only Ocampa crewmember?

SEVEN: Does it matter? She's history, man!

HOST: I'm sorry...We're out of time. Guess how much money you banked, team

CHAKOTAY: Um....47?

HOST: Wrong! Nothing...again! Get ready to make your votes. Who has left their brain in the Badlands?

(Insert canned laughter)

HOST: Time to vote off...The Weakest Link!

(VOICE-OVER): Believe it or not, B'Elanna was the strongest link again! The girl's on fire! Once again, Chakotay was the weakest link. However he kept his hands in his pockets during the round. God knows what he was doing.

HOST: Voting over everybody. Let's see the results

B'ELANNA: Chakotay

JANEWAY: Seven

CHAKOTAY: B'Elanna

SEVEN: Janeway

HOST: Looks like we have a tie. Seven, why have you voted for Janeway?

SEVEN: Because no matter what the J-Team says, I am the star of Voyager.

HOST: Chakotay, once again you were the weakest link. So why have you voted for B'Elanna?

CHAKOTAY: I simply wasn't able to spell Chakotay

HOST: B'Elanna, since you were the strongest link, yet again, you can break the tie. Do you want to stick with Chakotay?

B'ELANNA: I've changed my mind. I choose Seven

HOST: B'Elanna, what made you change your mind?

B'ELANNA: Because that Borg bimbo couldn't keep her ass out of my engine room!

HOST: Seven of Nine, with two votes. You are the weakest link...Goodbye!

(Backstage) SEVEN: Captain Janeway will never appear in anything Star Trek related. Lets just say I have a friend who will see to that...

ROUND FOUR:

HOST: Okay team. I'm sounding like a broken record. No money. Lets play...The Weakest Link!

HOST: B'Elanna, what is the life expectancy of the average citizen of Argentina?

B'ELANNA: 71.51 years

HOST: Correct!

JANEWAY: Bank!!!!

HOST: Janeway, who came up with the regulations regarding the Prime Directive?

JANEWAY: Never heard of it.

HOST: Wrong! Chakotay, New York City is located in which state?

CHAKOTAY: Wow, there are so many lights in this room

HOST: I'm sorry, your time is up. And you managed to bank a pathetic, miserable $1000. Okay everybody, one last vote. Who should be using Spock's brain?

(insert canned laughter)

HOST: The two survivors will go on to the bonus round. Time to vote off...The Weakest Link!

(VOICE-OVER): B'Elanna was the strongest link in that round...Chakotay was the weakest link in that round. This is not a recording

HOST: Okay team, lets see the results
B'ELANNA: Chakotay

JANEWAY: B'Elanna

CHAKOTAY: B'Elanna.

HOST: Janeway, why did you vote for B'Elanna?

JANEWAY: Lets see, I can either play against Miss "10th largest Mountain" over here, or I can play against this tattooed baboon. Dumb question, my dear

HOST: Chakotay, why'd you vote for B'Elanna?

CHAKOTAY: I told you, I can't spell my name. And I'm too afraid of Janeway. So B'Elanna was the only other choice

HOST: B'Elanna. Unfortunately your time is up. You've been a stunning contestant. But you are the weakest link...I love you!

(Backstage) B'ELANNA: Get the cheese to sickbay!

FINAL ROUND

HOST: Okay. We're going to play the abbreviated version. I'm going to ask you both two questions. Whoever gets the most correct wins the $1000. Janeway, you go first. Lets play...The Weakest Link!

HOST: Janeway, how many shuttlecrafts did Voyager lose?

JANEWAY: Pass!

HOST: Chakotay, What day of the week follows Sunday?

CHAKOTAY: Pass! HOST: Janeway, how many crewmembers did Voyager lose?

JANEWAY: Pass!

HOST: Chakotay...If you get this next one right, you win. What is the most frequent play a quarterback uses in football?

CHAKOTAY: Pass!

HOST: Correct!! Believe it or not, Chakotay is the Strongest Link! Janeway, you leave with nothing!

(Backstage) CHAKOTAY: This is the proudest moment of my life!

(Backstage) JANEWAY: Wait until Chakotay learns money doesn't exist in the 24th Century...Mwaa ha ha ha ha!

HOST: Goodbye!