DISCLAIMER:All things Babylon 5 belong to JMS, Warner Brothers, TNT and anyone else with a legal claim to the materiel. Commander William Colfax, being an original character, belongs to me. Absolutely NO infringement of copyright is intended; these guys are not making me any money AT ALL. In fact, like everyone else, I lose on the deal, but since I am borrowing Ivanova, Marcus et al just for fun - and will give them back in one piece at the end - that's okay.
HOLY DEMON
BY MAGGIE
There was simply too much room. Too much room to put all the things that she had packed in storage and would have to send for to fill the space up; things that she had had on Babylon 5 that would only serve to remind her of what she had lost. Whom she had lost.
That wasn't all, either. The final torment was the double bed. Back on the station that hadn't been a problem; she had been only too glad of the luxury of being able to at least spread herself out, relaxing completely at the end of what was normally a very long, and also, more often than not, towards the end of her tenure there, a very frustrating day. Now all it did was remind her that the one person she might ever, finally, have considered sharing it with ... was gone.
For the nth time since that horrible day when she had woken up in Medlab to find Marcus, a cold, empty shell beside her, her heart clenched in pain, causing a white, exquisitely melting hot needle of torment to stab inside her, wringing tears from her eyes again. Her XO, Commander William Colfax, had enquired once already today if she were alright, and she had only just managed to reassure him that it was just nerves at her new command that she was suffering from.
Dammit! That was why she had opted for a Captaincy aboard one of the new Warlock class vessels, wasn't it? So that she wouldn't have to deal with the constant reminders of Marcus that she would be unable to avoid at the station? That, and to give her something new to get her teeth into, that would occupy her 24 hours and not allow her the insane luxury of too much time to think? Hadn't that been the entirely logical reasoning behind this move?
Marcus' sweet, disarming, too-knowing, and yet innocent smile rose unbidden in her mind's eye, and a tortured whimper was torn from her. She knew what he would say; that logic was a pig-in-a-poke and that she was running away from her feelings again -
"...Just when I'd got you to open up, too ..."
"WHA-"
Ivanova spun around, her datapad flying from her suddenly nerveless grasp, but there was no-one there.
Of course not, how could there be? Marcus was ... not there. Couldn't be there, never would be there. "Oh, God, Marcus, you BASTARD, how could you, YOU - you, who was always going to be there, who was never going to leave me - ... just ... LEAVE ME?"
From out of nowhere, his presence seemed to fall gently, but powerfully, around her, like that elegant, long, Ranger overcoat he used to wear, and, frightened into a paralysed silence, Ivanova collapsed to the floor, strings cut, and covered her ears with her hands as she heard his voice, warm, and touched with gentle humour, as it so often had been when he had spoken to her in life, speak to her again.
"I couldn't let you die, Susan, beloved, your starlight blotted from the face of the heavens; from the lives of all those who loved you. Besides, there is still so much for you to do."
"Oh, God, now I'm hearing things," she muttered, but, too much caught up in the moment, and more than half-believing that he was with her, somehow, someway, she answered him. "There was so much for you to do, too; the Rangers are important, your work was important, and what about the people who loved you? And don't you dare say I was the only one ... dammit, I know I didn't show it, but I did, I do, and now I don't know what I'm going to do ... without you ... It's happening again; everyone I love I lose. How could you DO this to me, damn you?"
Wave after wave of remorse, sadness and love spilled over her, ran through her, coming from this ethereal presence, that the tears which she had only just managed to keep from falling, escaped her now, searing her cheeks with their passage. She closed her eyes against them and it seemed the featherlight touch of fingertips brushed her face, as if to wipe them away.
Jumping at the touch, she nevertheless reveled in the contact, uncaring now as to whether it was somehow real, or just imagined. If she was going mad, let it claim her, engulf her; this was what she would have sold her soul for after his death, when nothing any longer had meaning, and madness seemed closer to her than it had ever been, closer than it felt now.
"I am sorry, Susan; so very, very sorry ..."
No longer questioning the possibility of what she was experiencing, Ivanova, instead of limiting her own perceptions with fear and grief, reached out with her mind, her heart, to the one who was undoubtedly Marcus, and felt, moment by moment, the bond between them, and the presence of him, grow stronger. There were arms around her, and a solidly-muscled torso to lean back against. She did so, all the pain and locked-up tension easing out of her, following her breath as it sighed out of her. Sensing a smile, Ivanova wished she could just open her eyes, turn her head and see it, but she wasn't far gone enough to actually imagine that possible. Nevertheless, this was heaven; life and breath and sanity, her heart finally beating again some way other than a dull thud, thud,thud.
"Marcus...?"
"Hmmm ..." Breath, warm and sensual drifted across her hair, her ear, and made her shiver inside, with desire. Insane desire; she could feel her body begin to respond to Marcus' invisible presence. Turning in his arms, she blindly sought out his mouth, melting inside at the thought of what might happen. What might be able to happen ...
A tiny voice at the edges of her mind tried to convince her that this was totally the wrong thing to do, and at any other time in her life she would have listened to it; but if there was one important lesson that she had learned from Marcus, it was that every now and again it was important to ignore the rules, even to disobey them.
Her lips brushed against his beard and she lingered there for a moment; it wasn't harsh, it didn't tickle as it should have done. It was soft, almost like fur and she moved her head, letting the luxurious feel of it tantalise the sensitive skin of her full lips. Then, drifting upwards slowly, she finally encountered his mouth and she paused, breathing in his sweet breath coming from his slightly parted lips. It was Marcus who broke the moment, only to initiate greater pleasure as his mouth moved so slowly on hers.
"Marcus ..." A ragged breath drawn in ... "Marcus ..." Another breath, barely ... and then her small, jerky sobs - gratitude, joy - were swallowed, dissolved slowly as the kiss deepened, his mouth softly bruising hers.
Then ... then ... Marcus whispering softly, "Sleep ... Sleep ..."
A shadow passed across her closed eyes, and Ivanova, seeing in her own mind, sensing it somehow, where he was leading her, gave in to the warm, dark oblivion.
'To sleep ... perchance to dream ...
... and dream she did.
A dream so vivid, of such overwhelming clarity, where every colour was in its purest form, every sound was like the first word ever uttered, every touch, every sensation was ...
There were no words, human, Minbari or any other language, that she could find to describe the experience afterwards, even to herself. She was lying in a darkened room and she could hear the soft shushing of waves coming from somewhere. There was the feel of warm fur against her skin. It seemed to be gently breathing beneath her and, as with many a dream, it seemed perfectly okay to be carried on the back of an extremely large, but very friendly bear as he travelled through the balmy, Russian night. That too, would have been illogical in any place except dream land, as Russia was anything but warm. Nevertheless, it was warm and the bear didn't mind carrying her at all, and everything was cloaked in a blanket of peace and contentment. Someone murmured at her back.
"Susan ... Beloved ..."
She turned, langourously, and there he was, all strength and softness and knowing, and endless listening to the echoes of her heart; listening and sensitively acting on his discoveries of her, each touch claiming and giving heart's ease and friendship, love and fire until she cried out at the closeness, the first touch on places inside her that had never been touched before, places that even she had barely acknowledged.
A soft whimper caught at her awareness and she opened her eyes to see something that drenched her in an absolution of soft, exquisite rain; Marcus, as young, as innocent as she had ever seen him, every feature of his cherished face aflame with trembling passion, eyes shuttered against any more feeling, which would have been an overload on his senses, which even he, obviously, could not handle. Then, slowly, drawing on reserves of strength and courage, he opened his eyes, and the light blinded her, bringing tears to her own eyes. "Marcus ..."
He took a shuddering breath and drew gentle, shaking hands through her hair, the touch of his fingers evoking fingers of fire, raking unbearably through her belly. The soft moans she made elicited more from him, each layer of sound building on the last, taking with it more and more enveloping waves of passion.
'Too much, too much ... Never before ... never again ...'
His thoughts. She heard them in her own mind, and they were hers, unsure now which of the two of them formed the words, the fire which burned them away ... to the purest, most precious ashes ...
Floating in light now, the hands, whose owners could no longer be identified, rested on the curves, in the hollows, caressing softly in the aftermath.
The bear was at rest now, the soft fur no longer breathing so hard in its flight. Hands moved, arms enveloped and gathered in even closer, and his voice, a new strength there now, whispered,
"I love you; I will always love you, always be with you, always ..."
"Always? Always with me?", Ivanova whispered back, urgently, the dreamscape reflecting her voice in echoes which rolled back around them, covering them with a comforting blanket of their own. "With me? How? How close? Like this?"
She heard his warm, delightful chuckle, carried on even warmer breath which whispered across the sensitive skin of her neck.
"I, Marcus Cole, Ranger soul, hereby promise to haunt and torment you for as long as I am able, for as long as I can still reach you. I will wait for you, and if I cannot wait for you, I will look for you until I find you again. We have unfinished business, daughter of the Great Bear, you and I, and I always finish what I start; that's basic Ranger training, you know ..."
Ivanova laughed a little, revelling in the teasing silk of his hair across her ear. "Oh, Marcus ... Really? Haunt and torment? You promise?"
"I have sworn," he told her as solemnly as the laughter in his voice would allow. "I will be your holy demon. Now; Sleep; sleep. Goodnight ..."
Ivanova, all things complete and right with the world once more, contentedly closed her eyes and drifted from dream to sleep's closure, oblivion.
The next morning, Susan Ivanova, new Captain of the Warlock class ship, 'Magister', woke bright and early, and, with a new spring in her step, a new, more positive outlook on life than she had had for a long, long time, rose and got ready to face the second day of her new command.
Stepping briskly through the corridors on her way to the bridge, she nodded happily to crew members who passed her; some on their way to work as she was, some just coming off the night shift. Many of them, who had seen their new Captain when she came aboard the previous day, and observed the tightly controlled grey cloud which had hung over her, looked back and, in surprise, smiled back, delighted and relieved, beginning to believe now that serving under Ivanova wouldn't be as bad as they had first thought.
Once on the bridge, and settled into her chair, Ivanova had a little time to reflect, before the new day's imperitives had to be implemented.
She closed her eyes, just for a moment, and she could see Marcus once more, as he smiled, delight and curiousity dancing with the light in his eyes, and it was all she could do to keep the smile which played about her lips, from broadening into an irrepressible grin.
Yes, in the light of day, now that she was awake, she still felt Marcus' loss - he was dead, and she had no illusions that he would be able to stay 'attached' to her, enabling his spirit, still clothed in personality for awhile, to 'be' with her, as he had been last night; she had heard of this phenomenon before, though had never known anyone who had experienced it, at least not to this degree. Her aunt Nelia had confessed to her favourite niece once, that after her death, her sister, Marina had sometimes appeared to her in dreams and that she often felt her prescence and even heard her voice on occasion, when she was out walking alone.
"Or maybe I'm just going quietly crazy. It probably runs in the family," thought Ivanova. "Undoubtedly that old family recipe I got from aunt Nelia was probably for Hash Brownies."
"Suffering from severe halucinations," came a teasing voice from just behind her shoulder. It was all she could do not to turn round, though she found a small, sudden outburst of giggles - cut short on becoming aware of the shocked faces of the crew - quite irrepressible.
"Marcus! For heaven's sake!" she whispered behind her hand, drawing another look; this time just from Commander Colfax. "Sorry. Just, er ... a communique from Mr. Garibaldi; something he said. Wicked sense of humour ..."
"I quite understand, Captain; I'm glad he was able to raise your spirits ... if you don't mind me saying so.".
"Yes, quite, er ... thank you, Commander. Now, on to business. What's our status?"
"Everything's proceeding on schedule, Captain; we're still running Navigation and Maneuverability tests at present."
"Up to specs?" enquired Ivanova, real interest in her new ship's capabilities rising up in her now.
"And beyond," he told her proudly. "The Merlin, The Magus, The Censer, The Baculum, The Athame and The Sabbat are all reporting similar results. Only The Thurible is having a problem."
"What kind of problem?" asked Ivanova. The Thurible had been the last ship to be released for trials, due to gremlins in the sensors. She hoped that wasn't going to be a chronic problem. "It's not the sensors again, is it?"
Colfax smiled in full understanding of her concern. "No, so far those have operated at peak performance with none of the problems she showed in Spacedock. No, they're having a little trouble with a couple of the crew, actually; nothing they won't have 'sorted out' by now."
Ivanova smiled a certain wry smile and nodded curtly in acknowledgement of her XO's diplomacy. She knew what he was referring to; some of the younger, less experienced members of Earthforce had been totally taken in by the propaganda generated by the Clark regime and she had realised that there was always a chance that the odd renegade might be assigned to the Warlock fleet. The Thurible's Captain, David Bain, a dour Scot who stood no nonsense from anyone, would have no trouble in dealing with whoever was causing the 'problem'. However, considering that the fleet would not be returning to Earth for at least several months, Ivanova appreciated that he might decide to return the troublemakers to Earth as soon as possible, for the authorities to deal with.
Needing to know what Bain had decided to do, Ivanova asked to be put in touch with The Thurible.
"Yes, Captain," said the young Lieutenant in charge of Communications. Her hands flew across her board and Ivanova was suddenly and quite forcefully reminded of the many times she had done that, in response to an order from Sinclair or Sheridan, back aboard Babylon 5. She found that she could actually think about the station and her former comrades there, without that cold, sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.
"Captain Bain for you Captain."
Ivanova drew herself up out of her chair and faced the viewscreen. "Captain Bain," she began, "how're things on The Thurible?"
"Oh, fine now, thanks. However, I shall need to return to Spacedock for a short while; there's some particularly awkward 'waste products' to be recycled and we don't have the facilities to do it. It's a job for the Earthforce specialists, I'm afraid."
Ivanova smiled tightly. "I quite understand, Captain. I'll pass it on to Admiral Garrett as soon as he comes on deck; he's in a meeting right now, but he should be finished shortly. I'll get back to you then."
Bain's grim face, with the nevertheless sparkling eyes, winked out as the comm signal was broken and Ivanova turned back to the Lieutenant. "Anders, please send a Red-Channel signal to the Admiral, asking him to come up to the bridge when he's done in his meeting."
"Yes, Captain, sending now."
There was a few moments silence whilst Anders waited for an acknowledgement, then,
"The Admiral says, ten minutes, Captain."
"Very well, Lieutenant.". Looking back at Colfax, Ivanova beckoned him over to her chair. Signing off on a report, he approached her as she got up and asked him to walk with her. He followed her over to one of the side viewports, and bent his head in an attitude of total attention as she lowered her voice for private conversation.
"William, I'd like you to invite all the other officers to a little get-together this evening at 21:00, in my quarters. Just the usual, informal, 'let's-get-to-know-each-other-a-bit-better' kind of a deal, you know. Apart from the obvious, there are some things that they need to know about what's been going on the past few years, that they probably don't realise even now." Ivanova took note of the slightly concerned, though mostly understanding, look that he gave her, and smiled. "It's okay; nobody's going to get chewed out for any previous views or actions or beliefs they might have had. I picked them myself, I'm ninety percent sure I can trust them. They do need to know however, that they can trust ME. Besides; sooner or later we're going to be going up against races that they know absolutely nothing of, and they need at least a basic knowledge of their backgrounds, possible agendas, etc."
"Good idea, Captain; I'll get right on it," Colfax replied, and returned to his station to set up the meeting with his fellow officers.
Remaining standing near the viewport, Ivanova gazed out into the endless night of space, blind in its ability to provide for the needs of its occupants, and sighed. New beginnings, though exciting, were always a little uncomfortable until the ground rules had been laid; it was more than time that those were established here, in this challenging new situation which she herself had asked for. Back on the station she had been forced to ask herself, ;Where does my heart lie? Where will it lead me?' At that time, she had been sure of only one thing; that whatever she did, it would be in the name of the love which she had found and lost in that one absolving and agonising moment, which returned life to her even as it tore her heart to shreds once again.
That was gone now; wherever she went now, her Holy Demon would be beside her for awhile, unknown, unseen, except by her, and she was determined to make sure that her feelings, her thoughts and deeds, would be as honourable as if he himself were their author. She could do no less.
Ivanova surveyed the bridge, taking note of the demeanour of each of the crew working there. Patiently she put a name to each of them, reviewing their records in her mind; this is what he had done, this was how he had prepared himself to work with runners and contacts, by making each of them important in the scheme of things, by being personally responsible for their well-being, concerning himself with their problems, and reminding himself constantly of their human frailties as well as their courage and loyalty.
It was going to be an interesting shake-down cruise.
For all of them...
The End