GREY HAIRS
BY MAGGIE
He almost didn't go. He almost couldn't go. The invitation was to spend time together, which neither of them had done recently; Hercules had been busy making himself pivotal in stopping a war in the South, and Iolaus, for more domestic reasons, had been unable to join him. So, to all intents and purposes, the visit should be innocent - and fun - enough. But Hercules knew very well, that it also had to do with the fact that the barn, which Iolaus had been promising Gabrielle to build for the past year now, was no nearer to being finished than it had been six months ago.
Six months. Six months ago, Iolaus had nearly put his shoulder out, protecting the farm he shared with Gabrielle, his wife of three years now, from a marauding band of raiders. It would have taken Iolaus the same amount of days to recover, three years ago, but that was the point, wasn't it? He was three years older now, and one of the reasons he and Gabrielle had chosen to marry had been due to the fact that Iolaus was feeling his age, even back then.
Hercules knew that when he arrived at the farm in another couple of hours, he would be greeted by a hunter more silver than golden these days.
The lead in his heart weighed heavy all the way down to his boots, and his steps slowed a little. It wasn't just that his best friend was older now; no longer able to keep up with the demi-god, Iolaus had chosen to deal with the realisation by turning his head away from it, and concentrating on someone else - Gabrielle, who had come to such a turn in her journeys with Xena, that she herself had no longer felt able to continue them. She had dealt with that heartache by turning towards someone else whom she loved; Iolaus.
They were happy, both Hercules and Xena knew that. The two of them had more in common with each other than with their respective partners, but it had been hard on both of them, to have to admit that those partnerships were over, for one reason or another, and that they would no longer be able to accompany their heroes, whom they loved, each in their own way. No longer able to keep them sane with their humour and love, nor either to guard their backs, keeping them safe whilst they dealt with the evil that threatened innocent victims. Too many innocent victims. That didn't change and was a weight of shared unremitting guilt for the two mortals; warrior and bard.
Their grief over the necessity of change and parting in their lives, they also shared; for that, at least, Hercules was grateful. If Iolaus had had to make that decision alone, bear the parting alone ...
How would it have been? Would he even still be alive?
A cold wash of a similar grief drenched Hercules, like rain inside him, and he faltered in his journey for a moment, resting weary bones on a rock outcropping near the path. Gods but he missed Iolaus! Hercules knew that the way things were, was really the best solution for all involved, and had even had to agree with Xena one time, when she told him that this was probably how it would be; Iolaus and Gabrielle together.
Between Dahok and Ares, Gabrielle had almost been destroyed more than once, and eventually, much as she hated the need for it, Xena had herself persuaded her to quit and find some peace for herself. Finding Iolaus in a position something similar, the solution had been obvious, even if only reluctantly acceptable at first. That day Herc and Xena had ridden off together, Gabrielle had cried herself to sleep in Iolaus' arms. Her dead eyes and silence had torn at his heart, and although that organ was already bleeding from a wound that it seemed would never heal, caused by his own parting from Hercules, he had been unable to leave Gabrielle to waste away for lack of solace, when he already cared for her.
Solace had inevitably turned to a full-blown love once Gabrielle responded with a kindness and an understanding that he had always known her capable of, and in that tender light had himself gone some way towards reconciling himself to his fate, and his loss. They were good for each other, and had to a great extent, healed each other of their wounds.
If only they could have healed him and Xena. The two of them had tried to find a little solace in each other, but the partnerships had been too close, for too long and neither one of them were able to completely let go. Herc had found Xena staring off into space more than once, her face wet with unnoticed tears, and a haunted aspect to her face, that he knew was only a mirror of his own. They couldn't go on this way ...
It was as if each other's company only served to remind them both what they had lost, and so they had mutually agreed to split up; bury themselves in what they came to call 'the work'. It was necessary; someone had to do it, and it healed souls and lives, and ended cruelty and injustice. There was some solace in that; enough to carry on.
~
He could see the farm just up ahead now, and despite his reservations about the unmentioned plea for help to finish the barn, and what it meant, Hercules' heart lightened and the spring returned to his step. There might be more grey hairs than gold framing his beloved hunter's face now, but the shining blue eyes would still be undimmed; the soul still brimming with light as it always had been, the heart and concerns lit up, and unflinchingly expressed to the demi-god's eyes. It had been too long since Hercules had been able to bathe in that light, and now he hungered for it, no matter what the restriction he would have to lay around his feelings. Just being with Iolaus, sharing his company would be ... like old times. At least for awhile.
He saw Gabrielle first, coming out of the little farmhouse, carrying something in her hands, something ... something that smelt good! She was taking it into the half-finished barn when she noticed him coming up the road, and calling to Iolaus, who was obviously inside the unfinished structure, she changed direction and hurried towards him.
"Hercules! It's so good to see you! Iolaus, come on, it's Hercules, he's here!"
The hunter emerged from a hole in the west wall and, downing his tools, came to welcome him. At a swift walk. Something dropped cold and terrifying inside Hercules for a long moment when he realised that, even three years ago, that swift walk would have been a run.
Had he slowed down that much?
He stood in the road, unable suddenly to move another step, either forward or back, unsure of quite what his face might be revealing at this moment.
A touch on his arm made him jump. He looked down at the beloved, small hand against his flesh. He was paralysed, unable to be polite, to say the right thing, only,
"... Iolaus ..."
A small voice, sounding like someone else. He was vaguely aware of Iolaus exchanging a look with Gabrielle, and she walking off quietly, back to the farmhouse. Then that small hand tugging gently on his arm, and he walking off, with Iolaus, to the small field at the back of the property.
The sun was warm and the old log Iolaus sat him down on was dry and almost friendly against his palms. Iolaus sat down next to him, his small hand never leaving his arm. Hercules couldn't look at him, and was too aware of everything the hunter did.
"Herc; what's wrong? Is it Xena?" A tightening of the grip on his arm in fearful anticipation of what he might have to tell Gabrielle. Hercules shook his head.
"No, she's alright; leastways, she was the last time I saw her ..."
"Then what is it?" Head tilted to one side, Iolaus' hands reached up to his, pulling them into his own, gripping them, a solid anchor for Hercules to hang onto.
"Iolaus ..."
He couldn't say it, not yet. Instead he raised his head and looked back at the unfinished barn, letting all the emotions which were raging through him, show in his face, telling Iolaus what, it seemed, words could not.
The older man followed his gaze and slowly his puzzlement faded, to become understanding. Shining love and sadness. "Ah, Herc ..."
Hercules looked back at his old friend. For the first time he allowed himself to really see the grey in with the fading gold. On an impulse, he reached out and touched it for a moment, as if daring himself to make its acquaintance. A moment ... and then his hand fell back to his lap.
Iolaus sighed softly. He could almost feel the ghost of Alcmene settle over him, and he could have sworn that she was just behind him, her well-remembered concern for Hercules infecting him too. He gripped the hands in his a little harder and bit back a hiss of pain as a twinge of pain shot through his right wrist. It never had been right since he'd had it broken by Maceus' crew, all those years ago ...
That was a lie. It had been fine up until twelve months or so ago; then it, along with many of the other joints in his body, had begun to let him know, in no uncertain terms, that they'd had enough of the hard usage, he had for so long thought nothing of putting himself to.
He had thought he had come to terms with it, telling himself that he deserved a rest, and that it was alright to start to slow down. After all, he was like every other mortal, wasn't he? Somewhere deep inside him though, he knew that he had always kind of believed that, as long as he stuck with Hercules, he would never really die. Tartarus, he'd died three times that he knew of and one way or another, had come back from it. Plainly, he'd been fooling himself. His body was telling him that sooner or later, he would bow out for good.
The pain in his best friend's face was hurting him, and he wanted nothing more than to find a way to make it go away. But he couldn't. Not easily, not now that Iolaus was confronted with it too. He had to face it, had to admit it ... had to share it, even though it would hurt Hercules as well. It was part of a bargain they had struck many years ago, to share everything that concerned the other, no matter how hard or painful.
"Herc, ya know, it's a funny thing, but, I think I used to think the same way."
"The same way?" Hercules' hands gripped his almost painfully, and his eyes bored into his own, waiting and fearful, trying to concentrate almost too hard on what Iolaus was saying. His heart sank as he realised that there was nothing he could do about that; that this time, he was about to make it worse ...
"Yeah; I mean, like not believing I could die, I mean, not really ... ya know ... die ... for good. Because, well, you always brought me back .."
Hercules nodded, his eyes swimming a little now. "All except that last time with Dahak ..."
Iolaus hissed in another kind of pain. That was a time that he genuinely had no intention of ever bringing to mind again, and inwardly he couldn't keep from cursing his friend for doing just that.
The hands squeezed tight for a moment and then eased off. "I'm sorry Iolaus. Let's just forget about that."
"Yeah, lets," Iolaus agreed eagerly.
Hercules was on his feet now, and Iolaus followed him up; stood and watched helplessly as the big guy paced. Suddenly he returned to him and his hands were on his shoulders, gripping tightly, eyes turning from smiling sky to the last fluttering wingbeats of a dying bird ...
"I can't live forever, Herc," Iolaus continued, relentlessly, knowing it was the only way he would get through this. "I'm getting older by the day, and sooner or later I'll die and you won't be able to get me back; not by begging, borrowing or stealing. I mean, c'mon, we have to face it, I have to hold the world record for coming back from the dead, right? Thanks to you. But that can't last forever ..."
The grip on his shoulders was painful but he rode it out, along with the wild ride of emotions which held Hercules in their own grip, and tumbled, one after another, across the gentian eyes looking down into his own ...
Hercules released Iolaus suddenly; pulling his hands away as if he'd burned them. "Iolaus ... sorry ... I -" He had to sit down, swept by an unfeeling wind, which seemed determined to batter him with a grim reality he really didn't want to face. He opened his mouth to ask Iolaus about something else, anything else, change the subject; then realised that there was nothing which wouldn't eventually lead to the same awful fact of Iolaus' mortality.
He looked back at his life's companion and saw what had been there all along, but he had never acknowledged before; death. Death in Iolaus' eyes. He heard words spoken the last time they'd been together; a subject mentioned in passing. Children. Iolaus had told him that he and Gabrielle were trying for a child. In a wave of revelation, it came to him why mortals wanted children so badly. It wasn't just to propagate the species, but also so that something of the father, the mother, could survive, could be passed on to live with the child. Because mortals didn't live forever.
It was a truth that both gladdened and saddened him in and of itself. He hoped that Iolaus and Gabrielle got their wish. Nevertheless, he tasted poison with the knowledge, and allowed it to possess him for a moment, before ruthlessly pushing the grief away from him. Time enough surely for that when the time came. Surely ...
Try as he might, he couldn't banish it completely, only keep it some little distance from him. He made an effort to address more immediate concerns.
"So; what about the barn then? You want me to help you finish it?"
Iolaus looked so defeated for a moment. Defeated, small, helpless ... then with another sigh, he raised his head, chuckled a little to himself, and in his greying eyes, the sun came out once more, as he wrestled the demons into submission, and decided that, sadness or not, greyness or not, growing weakness or not, his lifelong and best friend was here and it was time to play.
"Yeah, c'mon, I've got some wood needs chopping ... if you think you're up to it," he teased, grinning.
The two men turned towards the farm and began to make their way back. Hercules clapped a hand on Iolaus' shoulder, just as if the two of them had never been apart, and rested the other in the small of his back.
"Well, I don't know; I've been getting these cramps in my back lately ..."
Iolaus reached up and whapped him gently on the head. "Ya want Gabrielle to give you a back rub? Nah, on second thoughts, that might not be a good idea ..."
~
Gabrielle looked out of the back kitchen window and saw the two friends coming back towards the house, hearing the laughter in their voices, and catching snatches of their conversation. She smiled to herself, but there was a place inside her that insisted that there was someone missing from the party. It would be good to have Hercules here for awhile; whether the barn got finished or not, he would give Iolaus some more time to spend in at least an illusion of the old days. It grieved her that there were times when he got depressed and although he shared the pain with her, she could only help him lessen it and not banish it completely. It was the same for her, and she counted her blessings over and over for the love and companionship of Iolaus, but she had to admit - gods, sometimes she missed Xena so much!
Tears gathered in her eyes, of their own accord, and she brushed them away with the back of her hand, and sniffed, fighting her own battle. By the time the men had returned and entered the house for a drink before they started work on the barn, Gabrielle had her sorrow back under control.
Iolaus came through to where she had begun to prepare a couple of the yard chickens for dinner, and put his arms around her. Nestling his head in against hers, he became aware of some tell-tale streaks down her cheeks and turned her in his arms. "You okay?"
"Yeah," she said, aware that the shortness of the reply was a dead give away to her husband, and relished the squeeze he gave her in sympathy.
"You're thinking about Xena."
She snorted. After three years she should be used to it, but she was still surprised at the way he just knew the content of her thoughts. "How do you do that?" she asked him, not for the first time.
He leaned in and kissed her softly, lingering for a moment. Then he released her and stood away to look at her, too much knowledge in his eyes. "The same way you do," he told her, the calm certainty in his face and voice reaching into the pain inside her and soothing it somewhat. "Don't worry. I've mentioned to Herc that the next time he sees her he's under orders to make sure she knows she's missed and more than welcome. She's probably still fighting her own demons, ya know," he reminded her.
Gabrielle drew him back to her and kissed him, longer and just beginning to play. "I know," she told him when she let him go, a promise for later, after Hercules had gone, in her eyes.
Picking up a jug of mead from a shelf above the kitchen table, Iolaus swung her around and kissed her once more, before leaving her to take the drink out to his thirsty friend.
Feeling better, Gabrielle went back to jointing the chicken for the pot, and hummed a little tune to herself. Hugging her stomache a secret smile spread across her warm and homely features; she wished the damn barn would hurry up and be finished. She'd known for a week or two now that she was expecting a child and she was dying to tell Iolaus, but if she told him now, the barn would probably stand forlorn and unfinished for another six months, Hercules or no Hercules. Maybe if they got it finished between them this time around, she would tell him then.
DAMN the barn, she thought. Maybe, in honour of Hercules' visit, she would tell Iolaus tonight after they had gone to bed, and that would give them all something to celebrate ...
The End
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