All right everyone. Be afraid, be very afraid. I am pleased to present my
very own Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail and Labyrinth crossover.
(And there was much rejoicing) Naturally I don't own anything you recognize
as Labyrinth or Monty Python characters or scenes. I also don't own Cliff
Notes. (All bow down before the mighty Cliff.) I wish I did because then I
wouldn't be stuck doing pointless papers at four in the morning. I could
pay for someone else to do them.



Monty Python's Search For the Castle Beyond the Goblin City

aka Delilah's Disturbing Dream 


By: Delilah (who else?)



	Delilah sat dosing on the couch. Her German shepherd had nodded off about
an hour before and her cat was purring next to her. She shook herself awake
and tried to focus on the paper in front of her. This wasn't working. She
tossed the pencil away from herself and just managed to stop the words "It
isn't fair!" From passing her lips. She looked down at the paper she was
writing and winced. All she had was the thesis finished. "How am I supposed
to write this stupid paper if I don't know what's going on in the story?"
She whipped out the oversized English book and began to read the story
again. When this didn't work she sighed in disgust and pulled out a smaller
booklet. The bright yellow cover hurt her eyes but she didn't care. She was
desperate! If the Cliff Notes couldn't help her she was doomed! She read
through and sighed as the pages began to unfocus. This was defiantly not a
good sign. 
	"I wish the goblins would take my English teacher away, right now!" She
yelled in a burst of ingenuity. If her English teacher was turned into a
goblin, and Delilah wasn't so sure he wasn't one already, then her paper
wouldn't be due tomorrow! 
	The window flew open and Delilah tried not to yawn as Jareth made his
usual flashy entrance. When he saw who had called him he cursed and back up
a few steps making sure there was no way she could get near his hair. He
also noticed that the grey Persian was waking up and eyeing the swinging
strands with more then a little interest. "What do you want?" He snapped.
	"I want you to take my English teacher away."
	Jareth frowned slightly. "And why would I do that?" 
	"Because I said the right words and according to the rules, you have to.
And if you don't I'm going to start to whine!" Delilah pitched her voice to
slightly below nails on a chalkboard and watched in satisfaction as Jareth
winced. 
	"Alright, alright! I'll take him away. Who is he?" 
	Delilah whipped out a Yearbook. "That's him. Philip Bodey."
	Jareth glanced at the picture and backed away quickly. "No way. I've had
calls for him before and I will absolutely not take him." 
	Delilah frowned at this bit of news. "What do you mean? That's my wish and
you have to grant it."
	Jareth produced a crystal in desperation. "Look, Delilah. Look what I'm
offering you. Your dreams!"
	"And the price would be. . ?" 
	Jareth sighed. "I don't have to take him."
	Delilah seemed to consider this but finally shook her head. "Nope. I want
you to take the teacher."
	Jareth caught sight of the partial finished paper. "That's Shakespeare,
right?" 
	Delilah nodded absently as she tried not to drift off. 
	"Then here's what I'll do. I'll give you your dreams and I'll have Oberon
finish your paper. All right?" Jareth asked nodding hopefully.
	Delilah paused and thought about this. "Well, I guess so. Either way I
don't have to do the paper. Okay, fork over the crystal!" She caught the
tossed crystal as Jareth and the paper disappeared. "Won't take my English
teacher, hmmm. Well let's see how you deal with this slice of peach pie. My
dreams can be very interesting." With this Delilah took out her Labyrinth
movie and replaced it with Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail and
started the tape. "Well, at least Jareth sounds English." She muttered
under her breath as she promptly fell asleep.


*************


	Jareth hooted in annoyance as he made his way back to the Labyrinth. There
was no way he was going to take that annoying English teacher back. It had
taken him time but he had finally convinced Oberon to do the paper and now
he just wanted to go back home and sleep. He angled towards the castle when
all of a sudden he slammed into something warm and very hard. He felt his
momentum shift as he and whatever he had hit were flung backwards. He
landed in the dirt with a thud and carefully clawed his way out from under
the thing. He winced as he looked down at one of his wings that hung limply
at his side. It was more then likely broken. Muttering under his breath he
took on his normal form and flexed his fingers to make sure no damage had
carried over. Great. Now he had to walk back to the castle. He turned and
glanced down at what had hit him and stumbled back in surprise as he found
himself staring at a cow. Why in the world would a cow be flying through
the air? He shook his head and continued on to the front gates of the
Labyrinth. He was too tired to figure out where the cow had come from. He's
take care of it tomorrow. 
	He approached the front gated and was about to walk through when a deep
voice echoed out. "None shall pass." He turned and stared at the black
knight who stood to his side. 
	"Excuse me?" 
	"None shall pass!" The knight snapped. 
	Jareth laughed slightly. "And who are you to block my way?" 
	The knight stood in silence. Jareth shook his head and continued forward
but was stopped by the knight's outstretched arm. "None shall pass."
	"How dare you touch me? I am king of the goblins!" 
	The knight seemed unimpressed. Jareth finally sighed in disgust and flung
a crystal at the knight who promptly fell over missing both his legs and
arms. Jareth started past him but stopped when the knight began to yell.
"Come back here you coward! Tis just a scratch. I'll take you! Come on!
I'll bite yer legs off!" A man appeared in dirty rags and he nodded.
"Uh-huh. Now we see the violence inherited in the system!" Jareth shook his
head and continued on. The knight's voice fell off into the distance as
Jareth kept walking.
	He approached the entrance to the caverns underground and decided to take
it. It was far fast and easier then continuing above the ground. As he
started to walk towards it a flash of fire caused him to stop. He turned
annoyed eyes to perhaps the strangest man he's ever seen. "And who are
you?" He asked. 
	"Some call me, Tim?" The man resounded.
	Jareth fought to keep his anger in check. He was fast running out of
patience with these people. "How would I know is people called you Tim?" 
	The man looked at him for a moment then proceeded to cause more fire to
flare out of his staff. Jareth walked past him and headed towards the
entrance. "I wouldn't go in there, if I were you." 
	"And why ever not?" Jareth asked. 
	"it's protected by an evil beast! It's got a mean streak a mile wide and
big pointy teeth," Tim noticed Jareth's unbelieving look and gestured
about, "look at the bones!" 
	It was then that Jareth noticed that bones were laying about. He made a
mental note to have the goblins clean that mess up. "I'm sure it does, now
if you'll excuse me." He walked about two steps when  white rabbit leapt
forward and upon seeing Jareth's hair turned feral and attacked him. Jareth
stumbled back and tried to push the rabbit off him. When he was out of
range he heard Tim laughing. "Sure, it's only a bunny, I tried to warn ye
but oh, no don't listen to me." 
	Jareth looked at him. "Oh, shut up." He snapped as he lobbed a crystal at
the rabbit which promptly blew up into tiny furry pieces. He walked into
the cavern making sure that Tim didn't follow. He noticed that his false
alarms were gone as were many of the obliettes. A strange looking beast
jumped out at him and he got rid of it the same way he got rid of the
rabbit and knight. He emerged in the forest and started down a path keeping
an eye out for the fieries. He didn't see the large shape covered in leaves
until it was practically on top of him. The man/creature looked down at him
and shouted Nee! in his face. 
	Jareth blinked. "What did you just say?"
	"Nee! We are the Knights Who Say. . . Nee!"
	Jareth sighed. "The Knights Who Say Nee?" 
	"The same!" The knight snapped.
	"And who might you be?"   
	"We are the keepers of the sacred words, Nee, Pang, and Nee-wom!" A knight
in the background shouted out Nee-wom!
	Jareth tried to repress a laugh. "And what do you want?" 
	"We demand a sacrifice!"
	"Nobody demands anything from me!" Jareth snarled and tried to push his
way through but was fought back by the head knight as the other knights
screamed Nee! Nee! Nee!
	Jareth finally gave up. "And what is it you want?" 
	"We want. . . a shrubbery!" From out of no where a dramatic chord was
struck and Jareth frowned. 
	"A shrubbery? You want a shrubbery?" 
	"One that looks nice and is not too expensive." The knight quickly
rectified. 
	"Okay." Jareth produced a third crystal and held it up. A shrubbery formed
and the knights immediately began discussing it in their strange language.
Jareth shook his head and began to walk on when the knight again blocked
his way.
	"It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly."
	"Then why won't you let me pass?" Jareth snapped.
	"Well, there's one small problem. We are no longer the Knight's who say
Nee!" At this point one of the knights in the back cried out Nee! The head
knight turned and shushed him. "We are now the Knights who Say
ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zom-boing-mumble-mumble." One of the denser
knights cries out Nee! again. "Therefore we need. . . another shrubbery
except slightly higher so we get a two level effect with a path down the
middle"
	"A path! A path! Nee!" 
	Jareth shook his head. "No."
	"Oh, please."
	"It's never going to happen." Jareth replied. 
	The knights began to cringe and whine. "No, don't say that word!"
	"What word?" 
	"That word!" 
	"If you let me pass I won't say it." Jareth reasoned with them.
	"Ahh! He said it again!" 
	"Now you've said it!"
	"No you've said it!" 
	Jareth took this time to walk away feeling very ill and more then a little
confused. 

*******************

	Jareth stood before two castles and shook his head. As far as he knew
there was only supposed to be one castle in his realm and that was his but
here were two new ones. He walked up to the door of the first one and
knocked loudly. A woman in white answer and she looked him up and down.
"Can I help you?" 
	"Yes, I've been trying to get. . ." Jareth's words were cut off as the
woman dragged him inside. When he regained his footing he glanced about and
his voice caught in his throat. About thirty women stood around eyeing him
with predatory glances. He slowly began to back up to the door when the
woman who had answered to him stepped forward. 
	"Girls, we're making our guest feel unwelcome. We are so very naughty
girls and you must teach us to be better, and here at castle Anthrax we
have only one punishment. You must spank us!" 
	Jareth turned and ran as the entire group of women began to converge upon
him. There was no way he was going to be buried under a tsunami of
adolescent girls. There were even worse then many of the list members! He
managed to get out the door and he fled to the next castle hoping the
residents there were more normal. 
	He entered the castle and blinked as he heard singing. He stalked towards
the room where the singers were and flung the door open. The room was full
of people who looked like they were in the middle of a wedding. "Who dares
to sing in my realm? Only I may sing here, with the exception of the
fieries." A pasty boy looked at him and smiled. "You've come to save me!"
He flung himself in Jareth's arms. Jareth dropped him and again ran for the
door deciding that he wasn't going to get involved. As he ran he slipped
and fell down a hole cursing as he went knowing where he was about to end
up. 

****************

	Jareth choked as he tried not to inhale. The bog of eternal stench, could
this trip get any worse? He was about to cross the bridge when a small man
stepped in front of him. "You must answer me these questions three, 'ere
the other side ye see." 
	"Fine, just be quick about it!" Jareth snapped and gagged.
	"What, is your name?"
	"Jareth, King of the Goblins."
	"What is your quest?" 
	"To get home and kick all you strange people out of my Labyrinth!" 
	"What . . .is the air speed velocity of an unladened swallow?" 
	Jareth paused. "European or Labyrinthian?" 
	The man seemed at a loss for words. "I don't know that!" He was promptly
flung sideways into the bog. Jareth shook his head and crossed the bridge
hoping that there would be no more interruptions on the way.

***************

	He sighed as he finally walked into the Goblin City. It was about time. As
he walked he noticed that there were no goblins around. "I wonder where
they go to." He passed a man who was ringing a bell and shouting "Bring out
your dead!" The man began a conversation with another man and Jareth
shrugged and walked on. He approached the castle and smiled. He was about
to open the doors when a strangely accented voice yelled out. "'Allo, you
daffy English kanigget! So we French fellows out wit you a second time!"
	"What do you mean a second time?" Jareth asked. 
	"Did you not like out little cow?" The Frenchman asked. 
	"How dare you take over my castle and fling barnyard animals at me! I
command you to leave this place!" Jareth shouted. 
	"No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call
your door opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other
people's bottoms!" Was the reply.
	"Who are you people?" Jareth shouted in annoyance and exasperation.
	"We're French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly
king!" The Frenchman shouted back.
	"What are you doing in my castle?" Jareth demanded.
	"Mind your own business!" 
	"If you don't get out of my castle right now, I'm going to . . ."
	"You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, son of
a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Jareth-king, you and all
your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!"
	Jareth blinked at the language this man was using with him. "Now you look
here. . ."
	"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough
water! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your
father smelt of elderberries! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second
time." A gaggle of geese came flying over the edge of the castle and Jareth
yelped as he began to dodge more barnyard animals. He ran out of range and
sat down trying to figure out what in the world was happening to his
Labyrinth. As he tried to figure it out a thought entered his head. This
had all started when he went to visit Delilah. He had offered her dreams to
her then gone off to see Ober. . . offered her dreams to her. That was it!
Jareth stood and produced one more crystal and used it to teleport himself
back to Delilah's room. 

**************
	
	He noticed that the TV was on and credits were running for some movie or
other. He reached out a hand and shook Delilah awake. 
	"Whacha want?" She slurred as she rolled over and went back to sleep.
Jareth caught sight of the crystal he had given to her and he picked it up.
Balancing it in his hand he shook his head. Amazing that such a little
thing could cause so much trouble. He bent down and whispered into her ear
before disappearing with the crystal. 
	"Sweet Dreams."
 

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