NODA
Copyright 1998 by NODA
*CHANGES*
It's funny how things change, and your perspective along with them. If someone had told me five years ago that this is where I'd end up, I would have told them they were crazy. Even with the unpredictability of a Starfleet life, I never could have imagined the life I have now. I'm decades from Federation space, on the other side of the galaxy. But as I once told Mr. Kim, "weird is part of the job." So this current change in my life really shouldn't have surprised me.
I always seem to find myself reflective at this time of the morning, or is it still my night? Again, I guess it's a matter of perspective. Chakotay's arm draws me nearer to him as he nuzzles my neck and mumbles that he loves me. I smile into the darkness, knowing he's still asleep. But even in sleep he's aware of me, as I am of him. I used to think I was aware of him before, that I could sense his presence in a room even before I saw him. But that was nothing like it is now. He doesn't even have to be on the ship for me to be conscious of his connection to me. I used to worry that if we became involved it would be more difficult for me to assign him to away missions. If anything, I think it's become easier. I don't know how to describe this feeling, but I can sense his well-being even when there's been an interruption in communications. It's not that I don't still worry about my people when they're off the ship, but it does give me the strength to appear calm before my crew, thus helping them to focus and solve the current dilemma.
Absentmindedly I start to caress Chakotay's encircling arm, his strength and gentleness combined in the embrace. We've been together for about a month now. Although we've actually been together for five years, we haven't allowed ourselves to be truly together until recently. Or rather I didn't allow it. Chakotay'd been trying to convince me, in his subtle way, since our days on New Earth, that this was what was right, what I needed. What *we* needed. But I let my fears keep us apart. I suppose I could reproach myself for time we've wasted, but I think we became lovers when the time was right. Earlier, and I wouldn't have been ready to accept it. Again I smile; I seem to have acquired a bit of Chakotay's philosophy through osmosis. I used to be so practical, everything used to be so black and white, until Chakotay entered my life and introduced me to the shades of gray. The world of fate and faith that had nothing to do with physical, scientific fact. Perhaps it is the greatest gift he's given me.
I always imagined we'd come together in a fit of passion. That we'd be arguing and he'd grab me and my walls would crumble. It was quite the opposite, actually. We'd been going over reports in my quarters, the same as we've done on numerous occasions, when he leaned over and kissed me. There was no preamble, no preface, I just looked up from an engineering report and his lips were on mine. It was slow and gentle, no demands, just a question. We separated and Chakotay looked into my eyes, neither of us spoke; I think words would have broken the spell that had settled upon us. I don't know how long I stared at him; it could have been seconds or hours, time had lost meaning. I always thought there would be a million alarms going off in my head when this finally happened, and I knew eventually it would. But there was silence. No conscience shouting at me, quoting Starfleet protocol. Just calm, wonderful silence. I think that more than anything convinced me to reach my hand to the back of his head and pull his face towards mine.
The kisses continued to be slow and gentle, though the time our lips were separated became shorter as our kisses became increasingly deeper. Still we didn't seem to be in any rush. Our tongues met in a sensual dance, but it was neither hurried or frenzied, as we explored each other's mouths. I felt almost bereft when his mouth moved down my neck, but I was rewarded with an equally pleasurable sensation. I know I must have moaned at that point because I felt the vibration in my throat. With his lips on still on my neck, I felt Chakotay pick me up and carry me to my bed. Most of the rest is a bit of a blur as I concentrated on the sensations he was evoking in my body. I had waited so long, we both had; yet for the rewards of this pleasure, I would have waited a lifetime.
When finally we were truly together, it was almost reverent, sacred. I was ready, both physically and emotionally, to accept him; the union was so joyous I started to cry. Me, whose expression of emotion is usually limited to tearing up, was actually crying. Chakotay too was crying, and we both started to laugh then, wiping the tears from each other's cheeks. He kissed me again then, just a simple touch of lips as he gathered me into his arms. I didn't realize how tired I was until I lay my head on his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart, falling asleep to the rhythm of his life.
The second time we made love was more what I had expected from the first. I felt Chakotay stir beneath me and looked up to see renewed passion burning within his eyes. I didn't think it was possible for either one of us to move so fast, but before I knew it, we were scrambling to kiss the other, hands and teeth everywhere on the other's body. If we'd been dressed, I'm sure our clothing would have been in shreds. As it was, we settled for scratches and tiny bite marks as evidence of our desire. We were worse than a pair of tribbles in heat, and I was more vocal than I thought myself capable. I only hoped the corridor outside my quarters was vacant at that hour or the rumor mill would be working overtime. Even given the number of times we've made love since, I think we're both a little embarrassed over the abandon we experienced that second time; neither of us has mentioned it. I think the enormity of the emotions we encountered that night left us both a little overwhelmed.
There was never any kind "official" announcement that things had changed between us. Instead, by unspoken agreement, we just stopped holding ourselves apart in public. Rather than being self-conscious of my hand on Chakotay's arm on the bridge, I would let it linger. Not so long as to be inappropriate while on duty, but I wouldn't deny myself the action for fear the crew would see my affection for my First Officer. At off-duty gatherings, I allowed myself the pleasure of his company. Oh, there was the odd complaint, both verbally and through official channels. Claims we were both acting in a manner unbecoming to officers, commanding officers at that. But we'd been prepared for that reaction. I knew, with a crew of over a hundred people it was unrealistic to think *everyone* would be comfortable with this. I filed the grievance report and continued to see Chakotay.
That action alone must have been a turning point for me. In the past, I would have shown Chakotay the report and told him there was no way we could continue our relationship. Instead I'd finally come to have a pragmatic attitude about it. Out of a hundred and forty some people one or two opposed our decision. They'd have to deal with it.
I must have shifted, for Chakotay asked in a sleep-hoarse voice,
"Kathryn? What's wrong?"
"Nothing, go back to sleep," I told him in a whisper. Why I whispered, I don't know. He was already awake and there was no one else in the room.
"Is this some kind of ritual with you? To wake an hour before the computer calls us?"
I turn over snuggling closer into Chakotay's embrace. Kissing his chest, I tell him, "Some things never change."
The End