"I'm sexually dysfunctional."

Chakotay was stunned. How did he respond to a statement like that?

"See," she said, "you shouldn't have promised. Edan's final. . . gift to me was leaving me unfit for a normal relationship. He tried so hard to break me, if only he knew he had." Sobbing uncontrollably, she slid down the trunk of the tree and wrapped her arms around her knees, pulling herself into a tight ball. Chakotay started to move forward, but she begged him,

"Please don't come any closer!"

"All right," he conceded, "if that's what you want." He was silent for a moment, then he started to question her reasoning.

"Kathryn, I've seen how you are with people, you're constantly in contact with them. You have a passionate nature."

"'Touch-feely Janeway,'" she supplied, trying to wipe the tears from her face, but they continued to fall. Chakotay started to deny the nick-name but she stopped him, her breath coming in little gasps as she tried to control her emotions.

"It's...okay...I've...heard...it...before." She was busy wiping her eyes, so Chakotay took advantage of her distraction to move closer.

"Then you have to know you're putting this pressure on yourself. People who truly have sexual problems wouldn't allow anyone near them, much less initiate contact by touching someone. I'm not trying to belittle what happened to you, or say it's 'all in your head,' but I think you're just scared. Maybe that you'll feel like you're back in that prison or in one of you're own making, I don't know. But I do know that you're not a lost cause, and I'm not about to give up on you Kathryn Janeway." He had managed to walk over to where she sat, curled up at the base of the huge oak. Partially blocking the sun with his body, it was difficult to see his face. She had to look into his eyes, to read what he truly felt. Struggling against the tree, she stood and managed to look deep into his soul. His heart was in their dark depths, and surprisingly, she had never felt so calm and reassured in her life. The poignancy of the moment brought fresh tears to her eyes.

"Don't cry Kathryn," Chakotay's voice soothed as she allowed him to take her into his arms. "Don't cry. We'll get through this together. Shhh. I love you. I love you Kathryn. Don't ever forget that."

She was shocked. How could he be so forgiving, so understanding? He said he loved her? She supposed she knew it, but he'd never come right out and said it before. She wanted to tell him she felt the same, but there had been enough revelations for one twenty-four hour period. Hugging him tighter she whispered in his ear,

"I know."

As he continued to embrace her, he felt the locket he had given her pressing into his chest, reminding him that she was indeed, home.

*********

A starting point. At least they had one now, Chakotay thought. It wouldn't be an easy road, but he felt he was up to the challenge. Although he knew it could be a long time before she could accept him into her life, at least he had an answer to some of his questions, and that in it self was a comfort, a relief.

This was the last week of their experimental duty swap. He was sorry to see it end, and at the same time he looked forward to having things back in their proper order, with her on the Bridge and he at her side. With her grace and dignity, Kathryn would always be "the Captain," regardless of her rank. Thinking of it now, he found it remarkable she had been able to rise above all the suffering in her short life. She saw them as weaknesses, but Chakotay knew them for what they were--tests of character, all of which she had passed with flying colors.

Chakotay was shaken from his reverie by Harry Kim's excited voice. After these last years he had settled into his job, but still couldn't contain the slightly nervous tone that crept into his voice when he spotted something he didn't think he should.

"Captain, I'm reading several ships off the port bow!"

"Heading Ensign?"

"Zero four, mark eight. They look to be Kazon Sir!" One or two Kazon ship's didn't pose a threat to *Voyager,* but an armada did.

"Mr. Paris, bring us around. Go to Yellow Alert. Tuvok?" Chakotay asked, knowing the Vulcan didn't require any special instructions to give his report.

"I confirm Mr. Kim's readings. There are five Kazon ships heading this way at top speed. They're powering their weapons," Tuvok answered, fingers flying over his console.

"Raise shields and power our weapons as well. Tom, can we out run them?" Chakotay asked the Pilot.

"It's unlikely. Normally I would say yes, but with all the quiet, B'Elanna's been working on a re-fit of the warp coils. Best we can do is Warp 2." Chakotay remembered sanctioning that re-fit two days ago. He would have thought it would have been done by now.

"Chakotay to B'Elanna," he called out, "What's the status of our Warp drive?"

B'Elanna was rushing around Engineering doing ten different things at once, sounding distracted as she answered him. "During the re-fit we had a little accident and a crack developed in one of the new coils."

"Why wasn't informed of this?"

"Because I would have had it fixed by the end of the shift!" She growled at him. It would have been in my report tomorrow! Hopefully I can get you Warp 3 in about fifteen minutes. Torres out."

"That's not going to do it," Tom said as he brought the ship around. "What are the Kazon doing so far out here anyway? Even at top speed they wouldn't have been able to get here, let alone make it through Borg space."

"You're right," Chakotay said, puzzled. "Harry, scan those ships for life signs. Let's see if there's Kazon aboard, or if it's just their ships."

Harry ran the scan and confirmed his commanding officer's suspicions. "They're not Kazon, Sir. They're a race I haven't seen before. They're hailing us!"

"On screen," he ordered.

"Starfleet vessel, this is Malla of the M'narra Alliance. You will power down your weapons and prepare to be boarded."

The person on the screen appeared humanoid, but he couldn't discern the gender. The universal translator projected the voice as female, and Chakotay wondered if he shouldn't call Kathryn to the Bridge. Not only was this her ship, but perhaps dealing with another female would help defuse the situation. The person before him was ashen in appearance, with long, stringy gray hair that reminded him of the old Earth style known as dreadlocks. The clothes were also gray, as was what he could see of the interior of their ship.

"How do you know of us? We pose you no threat, we're just passing through on our way home to. . . ."

"I know why you're here," Malla replied venomously. You will stand down and prepare to be boarded!"

"How did you come to acquire your ships? I know they're not from this region of space and that. . . ."

"This communication is ended," Malla said, and the screen went blank.

"Friendly sort," Tom quipped. "They don't exactly remind you of the welcoming committee on Risa, do they?"

"That's enough, Paris," Chakotay scolded him, but he was thinking the same thing, only he didn't have the luxury of voicing it. "Any ideas?" he asked to Bridge officers.

"We can not out run them," Tuvok observed, "But we do have superior weapons. However, with the number of ships they have at their disposal, it puts us at a distinct disadvantage."

"Tom, take us away from here as fast as you can. I realize we won't out run them, but it will give us a little more time. Go to Warp 3 as soon as it's available."

*********

Kathryn was at her station doing what she could to wrap up her research. She had been close to having some real discoveries, but she'd run out of time. She considered extending her stay to finish her project, but she missed the Bridge. She knew now that she had chosen the correct path in life when she chose Command. Perhaps if she had never tasted the rewards of being in control of a Starship she would have been perfectly happy as a scientist, but she had, and there was no going back.

She had decided to let Alyssa Myers finish the work on the pulsars. For any number of reasons, she had become very interested in Janeway's work and expressed an interest in building on it.

"Alyssa," Kathryn called her over, "why don't you have a look at this." She explained where she had been heading with her theories, and saw the questioning look in the former Maquis' eyes.

"Commander?" She asked, waiting for Janeway to explain what she was getting at.

"This will probably be my last day down here," Kathryn told the young woman. In a lot of ways she reminded her of herself. An eager scientist, wanting only to prove herself. She had felt much the same way when she was first posted to the *Icarus.* Her mind started to head down that path again, but she quickly ended it. She couldn't allow herself to loose focus and dwell on the past.

"And I need, I would like, someone to finish the work for me. Would you be interested?"

"Me? I mean yes! I would be honored!" Ensign Myers sputtered.

"Good, now that that's settled, I think. . . ." Just then Kathryn heard the call for Yellow Alert. She tapped her comm badge,

"Janeway to Bridge! What's going on up there?" Silence. She was sure the link had gone through. He must be too busy to answer at the moment. She waited a lifetime. "Janeway to Chakotay! Report!"

"Sorry to keep you waiting. There's five ships chasing us, they're Kazon in configuration, but the people claim to be from the M'narra Alliance."

"M'narra Alliance? Do we have any information on them?"

"Negative," she heard Ensign Kim answer this time. "They're closing in on us at Warp 6."

"I'll explain the rest when you get to the Bridge," Chakotay said, knowing nothing would keep her in the Science Lab if her ship was in danger.

"Go to Red Alert," she ordered as she practically ran for the turbo-lift. Suddenly she was knocked off her feet by a hit to the ship.

"Why didn't you call me sooner?" Janeway shouted into her comm badge.

"There was no time," Chakotay replied, picking himself off the floor, out of breath.

"Captain, the blast has caused several minor injuries and has knocked the turbo-lifts off-line," Tuvok informed him.

"You had better just stay put!" Chakotay advised.

"I'm coming to the Bridge!" She stated emphatically. I'll climb the access shaft the whole way if necessary! Just take care of *my* ship. Janeway out."

Kathryn managed to get the doors to the turbo-lift shaft open with the manual overrides and began to climb the 13 decks to the Bridge. She'd made it past two decks when she almost fell off the ladder as the ship was rocked with another blast.

"Chakotay! What's happening?" She called out as she accessed her comm badge.

"We've taken a couple of more hits and the shields are down to forty-eight percent," He told her.

"Well execute some evasive maneuvers! Get us out of here!"

Chakotay wanted to yell back at her, but he knew now wasn't the time. "Paris!" He shouted at the Lieutenant instead, "Let's see some of that fancy flying you're always bragging about!"

"Yessir!" Tom replied, overjoyed that he had been given free reign for once. He knew he could surprise the M'narran's with a few Alpha Quadrant tricks, if just given the chance.

B'Elanna's voice came over the comm line, "You've got Warp 3.45, but that's all I can give you for now."

"Good work, B'Elanna, keep at it." Chakotay closed the channel as the ship took another hit.

"Captain," Tuvok's calm voice stated, "the last hit did substantial damage to deck 10, and there is a power conduit in Jeffries Tube 10 A that is about to rupture. That conduit is one of the main power sources for our weapons. Apparently the M'narran's know our vulnerabilities as well as our identity."

"Send a repair crew to that Jefferies Tube," Chakotay ordered, retaking the Command chair.

"I'm at Deck 10," Janeway said, "I can get to that Tube before the repair crew, there's a lot of debris here, I don't know if they'll even get through once they arrive." Kathryn struggled through the charred, damaged deck and found the Jefferies in question, but the hatch was sealed.

"Computer, open hatch, Jefferies Tube 10 A," she ordered.

"Unable to comply. Safety protocols are in place."

"Override, authorization Janeway Epsilon four."

"Unable to comply. Commander Janeway does not have authorization for Command code Epsilon four."

Damnit! Chakotay still had the access codes! "Janeway to Chakotay! I need you to turn the Command Codes back over to me!"

"Kathryn, you can't go in there! The tube is flooded with Thoron Radiation and that conduit is about to rupture!" In his concern he hadn't realized he had used her name on the Bridge, but it didn't escape the notice of the rest of the Bridge compliment.

"Which is why I have to seal it! Give me those Codes *COMMANDER*! That's an order!" He didn't have to be on Deck 10 to see the look on her face that meant business.

Tuvok and said, "I would recommend that you comply, Commander. Not only has she correctly accessed the situation, but she is well within her rights to retake the Captaincy of this ship." Chakotay didn't miss the veiled threat from the Vulcan. If he didn't give Kathryn back the Command Codes, Tuvok would relieve him of duty. And if he did give her back her rank, he was signing her death warrant, or at the very least she would have Radiation poisoning. But he knew he had no real choice. She was the Captain and if she chose to be reckless, sometimes he had to let her be.

"Computer, transfer Command Codes and rank of 'Captain' back to Janeway, Kathryn E., authorization Chakotay Beta six."

"Confirmed," the mechanical voice replied.

Back on Deck 10 Kathryn tried again to open the hatch.

"Unable to comply."

She slammed her hands in frustration against the hatch. "WHY THE HELL NOT?"

"Structural damage has occurred to the opening mechanism" She knew manual methods wouldn't work then, either. She was running out of time!

"Harry! I need a site-to-site transport into that Jefferies Tube!"

"Captain, I don't know if I can, it's such a confined area, and with the ship under attack. . . ."

"Just do it Mr. Kim! I know you'll do your best."

"Yes Ma'am," the nervous Ensign replied, checking and re-checking his co-ordinates.

"Harry, keep a lock on her, and beam her directly to Sickbay when she's through," Chakotay added.

"Only on *my* signal," Kathryn emphasized. "Energize!"

She materialized inside the Tube, seconds later, to find it filled with smoke. With the hatch sealed, any emanations from the leaking conduit simply built up, until the air was so thick she could hardly breathe. She found a tool kit just inside what would have been the opening, and used the ion spanner to repair the rupture. It was slow going with the small, hand-held spanner, but she manage to seal it off, moments before collapsing in a fit of coughing. She opened the comm line,

"Get me out of here Mr. Kim."

*********

Chakotay relaxed slightly when Tuvok informed him that the Captain had been beamed to Sickbay and seemed to be stable. Focusing his attention on the Helm, he tried to follow the type of maneuvers Tom was executing. Now that their weapons were back on-line, he had changed his strategy from passive, evasive moves to definite aggressive ones. He flew so close to the first ship, that Chakotay thought they were going to crash into it, then at the last minute he pulled up as Tuvok released a volley of phaser blasts. So as not to lose his element of surprise, Tom quickly repeated a variation of the move on the next ship and Tuvok again fired Tom knew that by the time he reached the third ship they would be on to them, so he flew straight at them, then at the last minute dropped beneath the Kazon ship. He came about almost instantly and Tuvok let go another volley.

"All three direct hits!" Harry confirmed, with a kind of surprised pride in his voice.

"The other two ships are breaking formation and retreating," Tuvok informed.

Chakotay stood and walked over to Tom's chair. "Good work, Paris! I guess your money is where your mouth is after all!" He said, clapping the younger man on the shoulder. "What do you call that?"

"It's a technique they used to refer to as 'barnstorming,'" he said, reveling in the attention he was receiving.

"For once I'm glad you're such a nut about the twentieth century," he said, still smiling, then added, "helmboy."

"Nut?" Tom asked incredulously "aficionado, interested observer maybe but 'nut?'"

"Too bad you got caught your first time out," Chakotay continued to tease, "you might have been a valuable addition to the Maquis after all."

"Doctor to Commander Chakotay. I've stabilized the Captain and she's asking to see you."

"I'll be there as soon as we can get the turbo-lifts back on line," he looked at Tuvok.

"About thirty more minutes."

"Did you hear that, Doctor?"

"Affirmative. I'll try to get her to stay put that long, although I'll probably have to sedate her to get her to wait," he said pointedly, staring at his patient.

Chakotay understood what the Doctor was trying to say. Even with Thoron Radiation poisoning, she would still do anything to avoid being kept in Sickbay while her ship's safety was still in question. "Tell her the M'narra have broken off the attack and I'll fill her in as soon as I get there."

*********

It was closer to an hour by the time Chakotay made it to Sickbay, and when he arrived, he found that Kathryn was sitting up, waiting for his appearance.

"What are you still doing up?" he admonished her.

"I tried to get her to rest," the Doctor grumbled, "but you know how she is."

"Yes, I do," he said, giving her a stern look.

"You would have done the same thing," Kathryn answered, trying to appear contrite.

"What *I* would or would not have done is hardly the point here."

"I wish *somebody* would get to the point," the Doctor mumbled as he deactivated himself.

Kathryn and Chakotay looked at each other and started to laugh. "Ooo, don't do that," she said, holding her side. "It hurts when I laugh." Instantly concerned, Chakotay asked,

"Are you all right? What did the Doctor say?"

"I had some Radiation poisoning, and some damage from smoke inhalation, but he say's I'll be fine in a couple of days. So," she said, straightening the hospital gown the Doctor had placed on her, "think you're up to hanging onto the Big Chair for a couple more days?"

"Just try and pry me out of it."

"So what happened up there? I never realized how frustrating it is for the crew below decks, relying on us to let them know what's going on. All they get to hear is the call for Red Alert and they have no idea what we're up against. It's no wonder this ship lives on gossip!"

Chakotay told her what he knew of the situation. How the M'narra showed up out of nowhere and just attacked.

"Does anyone have any theories? Why would these people have Kazon ships, knowledge of *Voyager* and such an animosity towards us?"

"I'm not sure about their hatred of us, but Harry and Seven have uncovered evidence of a short-distance worm hole that originates in Kazon space and ends here. It seems stable, so either the Kazon or M'narra may claim it as theirs. Or it could be that the Kazon ships came through by accident, and were met by the M'narrans and were no match for them, and their ships were confiscated by them, like they tried to do with us. It's probably how they found out so much about us. Tuvok's identified the ships as having belonged to the Kazon Nistrum, which would have had detailed files on *Voyager,* both from Seska and Maj Cullah."

"She just keeps turning up like the proverbial bad penny, doesn't she? Are we ever going to be free from her influence?"

"I some times wonder," he said, feeling as if she somehow had managed to haunt him still. Chakotay sat down next to her on the bio-bed and continued his speculations.

"Like I said, we don't know if the Kazon's appearance here was purposeful or accidental. They may have known about the worm hole and did everything they could to prevent us from finding it, knowing it circumvented Borg space, or maybe it was a surprise to them as well."

Kathryn thought about his speculations. What if they *had* found the worm hole? Think of what could have been avoided if they hadn't encountered the Borg. No shaky deals with unreliable partners. No falling out with Chakotay. But then there would be no Seven of Nine either. Did the events balance each other out? She didn't know, and it was no use to think of the "what ifs," they were well past Borg space now.

"I guess it answers a few questions," she said. "How's the ship?"

"Okay, thanks to you. It was an incredibly stupid, brave thing to do, Kathryn."

"All in a day's work when you're the Captain," she smiled at him.

*EPILOGUE*

Kathryn settled into her Command chair. It felt good for her to be "home" again. Everything was back to proper order--Chakotay was at her side, and even her personal life was starting to fall into place. For the first time in years she didn't dread thinking about the past. It still held many painful and uncomfortable memories for her, but she could at least look at them now instead of trying to push them aside.

The Doctor had finally given her a clean bill of health after she badgered him for nearly a week. She still had a bit of a cough, but she already felt one hundred percent better just being back on the Bridge. Chakotay leaned over and whispered,

"It's good to have you back."

"It's good to be back," she whispered in return.

"Ensign Myers has requested a meeting with you," Chakotay said.

Normally, she would have headed down to Science Lab One to meet with her, but then she thought better of it. Remembering how cut off she felt from the "real" action on the ship, she thought maybe Alyssa would like to see the Bridge. She was quite sure the woman had never been there, and she might enjoy it.

"I'm a little reluctant to leave my chair so soon," she told him with a glint in her eye. "maybe I'll invite her up here instead." Chakotay gave her a questioning glance, but let the comment slip by. He guessed she was allowed to have a few mysteries.

Fifteen minutes later Alyssa stood in the turbo-lift as the doors opened onto the Bridge. It was bigger than she thought, and she remained rooted to the spot, unable to move forward. Knowing she must look like an idiot, she swallowed and stepped off the lift. All the faces of senior staff turned to look at her and she felt like she was going to faint. Most of the Bridge crew either returned to their duties, or smiled slightly at her, welcoming her to their domain, except for Tuvok, who simply nodded. She remembered him from her days on the *Zola*, and smiled tentatively at him.

Captain Janeway stood and greeted her, "Ensign Myers, thank you for coming," she addressed the young woman warmly. "Shall we go to my Ready Room?" Kathryn lead the way as Alyssa spotted her former Captain.

"Cap. . .Commander Chakotay," she said with a nervous smile. "It's good to see you again Sir."

"You too Ensign. Everything okay down in the Science Department?"

"Oh just fine, Sir!" She answered enthusiastically. Gods, was he ever that young?

"Alyssa?" Janeway said, trying to regain the Ensign's attention.

"Oh, right," she said, embarrassed, a slight blush starting to creep into her face.

Once the doors to the Ready Room were closed, Alyssa relaxed just a little.

"Have a seat," Kathryn offered. "What can I do for you?"

"Actually it's what I can do for you," she said, sitting in the chair across from Janeway's desk. She tried hard not to look around, but found her eyes scanning the room. It spoke to her of the woman she'd had the privilege of getting to know a little better during the last month. Kathryn did her best to hide her smile as she watched the young woman's eyes wander around the room.

"And what is that?" She prompted. Alyssa produced a PADD and handed it to Kathryn. She scanned the data and looked up in astonishment.

"You finished it! How did you do this so quickly?" Alyssa shrugged her shoulders.

"I guess I made it priority."

"But what about your own research?"

"I needed some time away from it. I had a million new ideas last night," she confessed, excited now to return to her own work. "You were right, the pulsars do seem to be the initial phase of massive compact halo objects. I'm just sorry I didn't recognize this data sooner!"

"Alyssa! You did a wonderful job! And it isn't like this was a life or death situation here! It was a personal interest of mine that had sentimental value, and you took upon yourself to finish on my behalf!" Kathryn leaned across her desk towards the woman, an ironic, enigmatic smile on her face.

"Some times you just have to know when to forgive yourself."

THE END

Ingela Stern has written a "prequel" to my story entitled "A Time To Heal." It's her take on how Kathryn initially dealt with her memories of being a Cardassian prisoner.

NODA