NODA
SUMMARY: Chakotay's tried to move on but it just isn't in the cards.
DISCLAIMER: They aren't mine. The story is. Feel free to distribute or print for personal use, but if you wish to use it on a page somewhere, please ask for permission first.
Copywrite 1999 by NODA
noda@ballcom.com
THE REPLACEMENT
I sit in the mess hall, trying to appear as though I'm not waiting. As if I came for lunch and haven't left because I'm reading a PADD that seemingly holds my interest. It hasn't. Every few minutes I find myself glancing up at the door; I hope no one else has noticed.
I push my partially consumed lunch to the side, trying again to look non-chalant. I never used to be this way; waiting for him to join me.
It all started out quite innocently. He'd show up shortly after I arrived in the mess hall, look around the room at the occupied tables, asking if he could join me. The first few times I thought it really *were* just a coincidence. Then I realized it was pre-meditated. After all, he made up my schedule; he'd know where I was at almost any given time. The knowledge gave me some kind of personal power. That of all the females on the ship he'd singled me out. Well, technically speaking, I was the second choice, but I was at the head of the "B" list, which was more than the rest of the women could claim.
At first, his attention filled me with smug satisfaction. Even Jenny commented on how insufferable I'd become. But lately I began to see our relationship for what it was: an attempt to overcome. Overcome feelings he couldn't deny. Overcome feelings he couldn't express.
I must say he did a damn good job at first. Dates on the holodeck, almost putting on a show for the crew that he was with me. Quiet dinners alone, even some pretty good sex. "Pretty good" in the sense that his heart wasn't in it. Oh, he tried to deny he was thinking of her, but it was rather obvious. At least he had the decency not to call out her name. Not that it would have made much difference, anyway. She may as well have occupied the bed physically, because she certainly was there in spirit. His spirit at any rate.
It was soon after we began sleeping together that I started getting paranoid. It seemed rather late in the game, considering we should have been getting closer. Instead, my presence just seemed to remind him of what he *didn't* have, not what he *could* have.
I look up at the sound of the doors retracting. He glances around the room, spots me and smiles. That smile is all it takes to assuage my fears; once he sees me his search ends.
Pulling out a chair, he sits down without invitation; we're past the stage where he asks to join me.
"Hi, Megan," he breathes, picking up my hand. "How's your day going?"
"Oh, you know. Same old. Not a lot going on in Stellar when we're in orbit."
We've been here for two days now. There's rumors of shore leave on this post-warp world. He's informed me of the negotiations; more information than most of the crew gets. Again I feel slightly superior, having the "inside track" on what's happening on the bridge.
"I think the Captain's secured an agreement on that shore leave," he starts out. "I was wondering if you'd like to join me?" He never calls her anything but "captain" in my presence, and doesn't bring her up other than in the line of duty. I wonder if it's for my benefit or his.
"What did you have in mind?" I ask, leaning closer, gripping his hand tighter. Just then the doors open and the Captain enters the mess hall. My expression must have changed because it's enough to cause him to turn to see who's arrived.
Their gazes lock and I feel Chakotay's hand twitch, as if he were caught doing something elicit simply by holding my hand. I sense his indecision. He wants to let go of me as he notices her eyes focusing on our clasped hands, but he's too much of a gentleman to do that to me. I spare him his dilemma, releasing my hold. As he looks back at me I sense, what? Gratitude? Guilt?
He tries to act as if nothing has happened, tries to refocus his attention on me, but it's useless. His eyes follow her with a will of their own.
"So, I was thinking, maybe we could visit some of the religious temples. The Netherans have a very rich spiritual life."
"That would be fine," I lie. Most likely all we'll get is a half a day; the last thing I want is to be holed up in some church somewhere. There's been talk about a fabulous market on Nethera. That's what I want to see, to hear. After the relative quiet of the ship the cacophony of a market would be something truly different. A real leave.
"Chakotay," I hesitate, "that would be fine, but afterwards could we visit the market? They're supposed to have some kind of musical group that's out of this world." I smile at my own pun.
"Maybe we should just go to the market," he offers. "I don't know if we'll have time for both."
His eyes follow her again as she takes her tray to a far table. I can't see her without turning around, but I would lay odds she's alone. Another safe bet would be that Chakotay wishes he could join her. I don't want him with me out of a sense of obligation. I want him to be with me because he chooses to be.
"Perhaps we should each go our own way," I say, in the context of our discussion on shore leaves. But he knows what I'm really saying. That I'm offering him a graceful way to end this. How magnanimous of you Megan.
I'm surprised he looks hurt. I thought for sure the emotion I'd see on his face would be relief. Relief to have the farce over. In a way it's reassuring that I mean enough to him to warrant that expression.
"I wanted this to work," he sighs, taking my hand again, heedless of who might see. "I tried. Really I did. But I can't seem. . ."
"Seem to forget her," I finish for him. "It doesn't help that you see each other every day, have to work so closely together." I never told him how much that bothered me. That we were lovers, yet she saw him more of him than I did.
"That's one of the drawbacks, I suppose," he tried to smile.
"Or the fact that she loves you but won't do anything about it." His head snapped up then. I knew I struck a nerve. "She's like a wound that won't heal. This isn't all your fault, you know. If she'd *let* you go. . . . But she won't do that. Instead she keeps you in this limbo, within arms reach, but never closer than an arms length. It isn't fair!"
All the resentment I felt as a woman against the "other woman" began to pour out of me. All the things I wanted to say but never did. Because she was my Captain. Because to bring her name up would invoke her spirit.
He sat there, silently listening to me rail, maybe as some form of compensation for dumping me. I must have sensed this coming. Why else have I been such a wimp? Why else did I roll over and play dead just to be with him?
"Megan. . . ." he began.
"No," I stopped him. "Not here. You're in charge of the leave schedule, right? So, you'll know where to find me if. . .well, if anything changes." Walking past him, I squeeze his shoulder, no words left to say.
As I head for the turbolift, I feel a burning in the back of my throat. I won't cry here. I won't! Once inside the lift however, my resolve crumbles. I know without a doubt that I'll be on the planet alone tomorrow.
The End