NODA
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Kathryn was in her quarters, riffling through her bags. She *knew* she packed it. It was one of the first things she'd thought to take once the reality of their return had sunk in.
"There you are!" she cried, elated as a child who's found a misplaced toy. Kathryn didn't know exactly what it was, but she knew what it represented. It was going to have been her contribution to the decoration of the shelter. Looking at the crossed sticks, wound together with coarse cord, it resembled a god's eye--a ancient craft that had survived to this day. Normally the handiwork was something children made while at summer camps, but she'd altered it slightly, until it was more of a cross between the traditional handicraft and dreamcatcher, similar to those of Chakotay's people. She'd done everything herself, from the carving of the cross-members to the spinning and dying of the cord she used to wind around the sticks. She'd added two more arms to the traditional four, giving her eight sticks to weave her design around. Now that she looked at it, the wall hanging reminded her of a spiders web, with bits of rocks, plants and feathers caught in its strings rather than insects. That thought gave her an idea. She still intended for Chakotay to have this gift of New Earth and now knew how she wanted to present it to him. By sharing this last symbol of their time on the planet, Kathryn hoped to put some closure on the episode.
Adding the last few touches, she heard the muffled sounds on the other side of the wall. He was back. It seemed they both had needed some time away to sort out their feelings. After the way they had parted, Kathryn suddenly wondered if she would be welcome next door. Uncharacteristically nervous, she hoped the gift would at least get her in the door.
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The sound of the door chime startled Chakotay. It was very late; most of the Alpha shift's night was gone. Would Kathryn still be up? Who else would be at his door at this hour?
Kathryn pushed the signal again. Maybe he was already asleep. Or maybe he knew it would be her and he was hoping she'd just leave him alone. Regretting her decision to act so impulsively, she turned to go.
"Kathryn?" he asked, the door opening just as she was turning to leave. "Is something wrong?"
"Uh, no." she verbally stumbled. "I just. . .well, I thought. . .I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was so late. I'll talk to you in the morning." She quickly tried to turn away again, but he caught her gently by the arm
"No, it's not that late. Well, it is, but I wasn't asleep or anything. Come in." Chakotay tugged slightly on her arm, almost pulling her at first.
"What's that?" he prompted, noticing the hastily wrapped object in her hands.
"It's for you," she said, handing the article to him. Crossing over to his sofa, he took a seat to unwrap her present. Kathryn stood, fidgeting nervously as she awaited his reaction.
Chakotay undid the cloth she had wrapped the object in. What he saw amazed him. He knew she'd made this. Not because he'd seen the work-in-progress, but it because it seemed like a medium she'd choose to express herself.
"Phoebe's the artist in the family," she started to apologize when he remained silent for so long. "And I've never tried to do any kind of textile art myself and. . ."
"Kathryn," Chakotay said, looking up at her, his eyes bright. "It's wonderful! I can't believe you did this! I'm speechless!"
"Well, I *do* have some outside interests," she answered with a small teasing smile.
"That's not what I mean and you know it! I'm honored, Kathryn. Really, thank you!" Chakotay's voice took on a breathy quality as he struggled for words; he'd never felt so inarticulate. Kathryn felt a warmth spread through her at his acceptance of her offering. Now she realized the pleasure Chakotay must have felt at the presentation of her bathtub; all the work she'd put into the decoration was well worth it.
"I was going to give this to you on the planet, but then Tuvok called and, well, there never seemed to be the right time."
"Kathryn, you never made anything for the shelter, you always said when I did, that I was accepting. . . ." Chakotay let his sentence trail off. "Is that what this means? That you were ready to accept life on New Earth?"
Now it was Kathryn's turn to find difficulty in speaking; she simply nodded. Chakotay closed his eyes for a moment, knowing he had the answer to the question he'd asked her earlier in her cabin: If they'd had another day, another week. . . .For a time he mourned the loss, knowing how close they had come to having it all.
A heavy atmosphere descended on Chakotay's quarters. Trying to break the uneasiness she felt between them again, she told him how she constructed the gift.
"I made everything, you know. First I had to make a drop spindle to spin the cord."
"How did you know about that?" Chakotay asked, knowing her family were traditionalists, but he didn't think they were *that* into ancient ways.
"We learned about them in school. I'd never tried to use one before though; I'd just read about them. There were several plants on the planet that had properties that I found made good choices for spinning. Once I had the cord made, I had to dye it. I found several sources for that as well." Kathryn leaned over and pointed out the purple.
"This was from those berries we found in the woods, the yellow was from the onion-like plants we came across on our hike into the hills. Do you remember that day?"
"Yes," Chakotay said, his eyes closed once more at the memory. It had been a warm, sunny day. Much like early fall was on Earth. They decided not to take any food with them, but to eat what they found along the trail, as much for the sake of discovery as the challenge it presented them. It had been a wonderful day filled with laughter and a shared closeness.
"You've been making this since then?" Chakotay asked. That had been several weeks ago.
Kathryn nodded. "I think I was beginning to accept our life on the planet even before that, but I still wasn't ready to. . .to move beyond our friendship." She knew it wasn't much of an explanation, but it was the best she could do.
"Carving the sticks was the hardest, believe it or not; I'm horrible with that kind of detail." Until that moment he hadn't noticed the designs on the ends of the slightly pointed sticks. There was something familiar about the markings, but he couldn't quite get it until he turned the hanging slightly. It was then he realized she'd carved the lines of his tattoo into the wood. The object she created, marked with his symbol; a joining of the two of them.
"Kathryn, I don't know what to say."
"Let me tell you a story," she said.
Chakotay smiled. "I like stories."
"This isn't a particularly happy one," she said, "But I think it relates to our situation." Kathryn ran her hand lightly over the surface of the object Chakotay still held. "This represents a spider's web. These are the things that got caught in that web."
She pointed out the feather. "This represents a saying a friend once told me: even the Eagle must know when to sleep." Next, she pointed out some dried flowers. "This represents the meadow where we built our shelter, our home."
Chakotay was watching her, as she described the meanings behind the items she'd chosen to weave into her artwork. For someone who claimed to be grounded in science, she certainly understood how much the symbolism would mean to him.
"This stone comes from the river where we would have taken a journey," she continued. "And most spider's webs trap insects; the insect that infected us." She stopped for a moment, letting him absorb her perceived meanings.
"That really wasn't a story, Kathryn, but it was lovely."
"I'm not quite through." Kathryn started to pace before him, not quite sure how she was going to tell the tale, this story she hoped would convey her feelings.
"Among the ancient Plains Indian tribes, there's a character called *Iktomi,* the trickster, who takes on the shape of a spider. *Iktomi* found two people one day, a man and a woman. They had been working side by side for some time and *Iktomi* knew them to be friends. Since it had been awhile since he'd caused some mischief, he decided to have some fun with them. First he released an insect from his web, promising to let her go if he did a deed for him. *Iktomi* asked that the insect bite both the man and the woman, making it impossible for them to leave the planet they were on.
At first it was hard for the woman to adjust to her new life, but the man stood by her side and helped her to realize there was more to living than striving for an impossible goal. But once the woman began to accept her new life, *Iktomi* grew bored with the people. This wasn't what he wanted! He wanted them to struggle with the life he'd left them with. Things had been so much better when the woman was fighting with the man! So *Iktomi* brought back the ship the man and woman had been on, knowing the ultimate trick he could play on them would be to return them to their former life, full of the knowledge of what could have been. In that way, the spider had his ultimate satisfaction."
Kathryn chanced a glance at Chakotay. He was thinking about her story and how he wanted to respond.
"We could trick him," he offered. "Show him that even though they'd returned, they could still pursue what they'd begun on the planet."
Kathryn looked at him and gave him a small smile. "The spider knew the woman too well. He knew the woman couldn't forget her primary duty: to get her people home."
"Kathryn," Chakotay said, coming to stand before her, "I understand all that, but I don't see how. . ."
Kathryn placed her fingers on Chakotay's lips, stilling his words. "Please, Chakotay. I'm not going to change my mind about this. I'm not saying I don't wish things could have been different. What I *am* saying is that it's no longer an option. I will not compromise my command for my personal happiness. Maybe there'll come a time when I can reconcile this, but now is not the time. The ship *has* to come first."
Chakotay gently kissed the fingers that still lay lightly on his lips. "Okay," he sighed. "As long as there may be a chance, someday, I can live with this."
Kathryn allowed him to pull her into a hug for a moment before she disengaged herself from his embrace. Walking towards his door she turned slightly and said, "Welcome home."
THE END