NODA
Copyright 1998 by NODA
noda@ballcom.com
STORY NOTES: This was originally written for a contest, long before the episode *Extreme Risk* aired. So, this is now definitely a non-canon version of how I thought Chakotay would have helped B'Elanna deal with her demons.
*SOJOURNS*
B'Elanna Torres ducked under the outer threshold as she entered the shuttlecraft *Sacajawea*. However, her surprise at seeing Commander Chakotay in the pilot's seat, caused *Voyager's* half-Klingon Engineer to forgot about the second low threshold. Banging her head so hard she made her former Maquis Captain look up, she stopped mid-stride, rubbing her ridged forehead. Chakotay tried to suppress a smile as a string of Klingon profanity echoed off the shuttle's walls.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yeah," B'Elanna growled, stowing her survey equipment in an overhead compartment. She'd sworn more out of embarrassment than any actual pain. "It's just that I wasn't expecting. . .I mean I thought. . . "
"You thought Tom was assigned this mission," Chakotay finished for her.
"Yeah," she said again, taking the vacant seat to his left.
"Disappointed?"
"No! I just thought. . .No! Why should I mind?" B'Elanna shot back. "I'm just a little surprised, that's all."
"Surprised that I'm not Tom? Chakotay pressed. It was going to be a four hour flight to Resika; no doubt B'Elanna was looking forward to some private time with Paris.
"No, surprised the Captain would trust you piloting a shuttle; you haven't had the best track record, you know."
Chakotay's face produced an self-conscious grin. "I have to admit, I don't seem to have the best of luck with shuttles, but I sure got us out of some scrapes back in our Maquis days."
At the mention of their former affiliation, B'Elanna fell silent. It had been six months since Chakotay had delivered the news that the Maquis were extinct. Except for the members of their cell on *Voyager* and a few who were in prison, the Maquis no longer existed. They'd been wiped from reality by a force they'd never heard of: The Dominion. B'Elanna had done her best to block out the truth, to forget that their friends and allies were gone, but the haunting realization never quite left her.
"B'Elanna?" Chakotay asked, bringing her out of her reverie. She looked at him with sad, dark eyes revealing how she felt about the comrades they'd lost: grief at their senseless deaths; relief to be alive; and a nagging guilt for having been spared their fate because of their own serendipitous circumstances.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he offered.
B'Elanna angrily burst out, "No, I most certainly do *not* want to talk about them."
Chakotay's face fell slightly as he turned his attention back to his pre-flight check. "I was hoping. . .B'Elanna," he said, looking up at her once more, "I feel *I* need someone to talk to about this. I was hoping that maybe you'd listen. That's why I asked for this assignment."
B'Elanna suddenly felt six inches tall. It was always about her, wasn't it? How *she* felt. How *she* was dealing with the loss of the Maquis. Had she, or any of their former group, asked Chakotay how *he'd* taken the news? No, they were all so wrapped up in their own misery that they hadn't taken the time to notice his.
"Kahless, Chakotay, I'm sorry, I didn't think. . . ."
"It's okay. We don't have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable."
"I guess I thought you'd talked to the Captain, your spirit guide or someone," she finished lamely, realizing she *hadn't* thought much about who he'd go to for counseling. He was the closest thing *Voyager* had for a counselor; there was no where for him to go.
"The Captain?" Chakotay almost laughed. "I can't take this to her. For all I know, she still considers us outlaws!" he tried to joke.
"You don't really believe that," she said, not quite sure if he were serious or not.
"No, I don't," he sighed. "But this isn't something I can talk to her about, even if we are good friends. She wasn't there, she doesn't know. . . ."
"How it pulled us all together," B'Elanna finished for him, realizing for the first time that the same thing had happened on *Voyager*: their unusual circumstances pulling them together as a unit, a family group. But life with the Maquis had been different. Every day could be their last. Everything they had was either patched together, scavenged or both. Not that the Delta Quadrant didn't offer its share of risks, but *Voyager* was a big, well-armed ship that stood a better chance of survival than the cobbled Maquis vessels. When *Voyager* was low on supplies, sometimes it was hard to remember they were still better off than they'd been with the Maquis.
Chakotay turned his attention back to his console, continuing his pre-flight check. "Everything looks good here. Do you have what you need to do the survey?"
"I think so. I just wish we could do this from *Voyager*; the ship's sensors would give us a more thorough scan."
"I agree, but we're so low on power, it makes more sense to send a shuttle to do the survey and hopefully collect enough deuterium so we can return later with the ship," Chakotay reminded her.
"You know," B'Elanna said, working her own console in preparation for take-off, "I never realized how much our situation here in the Delta Quadrant mirrors our time in the Maquis."
"How so?"
"Well, we're *always* low or running out of something. We never know where help or hindrance is going to come from, and the food still sucks."
Chakotay's face lit up as he indulged in a hearty laugh. "And you say *I've* got a twisted sense of humor?"
Now it was B'Elanna's turn to suppress a grin. Suddenly serious, she said, "I'm glad you asked for this mission, Chakotay. It's been too long since we've had a chance to talk."
"And who's fault is that? I'm not the one who doesn't have time for old friends because of a certain pilot," he teased.
"Okay," B'Elanna said, holding up her arms in resignation. "I agree I haven't exactly been accessible recently, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss talking with you. We've got a bond that few understand, I'd just hate to lose that," she confessed, ducking her head, slightly embarrassed at her candor.
"It's hard to remember a time when we weren't friends," Chakotay said looking at her. "You're not the same woman I met six years ago."
"I don't suppose any of us are," B'Elanna said, again flooded with memories of their lost comrades.
"Looks like all we're waiting for is clearance from the bridge," Chakotay said, changing the subject. B'Elanna was grateful for his tactful redirection of her attention back to duty. Once again he'd taken it upon himself to make sure she was comfortable. If he needed to talk about the Maquis, she would oblige him, no matter how difficult it might be for her. She owed him so much; it was the least she could do.
Chakotay signaled the bridge, waiting for the captain to authorize their departure. Over the comm system they heard Janeway conferring with Tuvok as to the status of the launch sequence. The Vulcan security chief confirmed the shuttle's ready standing; all that was required was the captain's approval.
"Looks like you're cleared for launch, Commander, Lieutenant. Good luck. We'll see you in about ten hours."
"Thank you, Captain. I hope we'll have some good news for you. Chakotay out." He closed the channel and looked at his fellow crewmember. "Ready?"
"Let's get the show on the road," B'Elanna replied.
"I see Vorik's not the only one taking Paris' slang expressions to heart, " Chakotay said as they cleared the shuttlebay's doors.
* * *
B'Elanna rose and went to the small replicator at the rear of the shuttle. "I'm going to have some Pejuta, would you like something?"
"*Pejuta* sounds good," Chakotay said, turning slightly in his seat to watch her gather their mugs. "I haven't had any in a while. I thought you liked *Ractijino* better," he commented as she returned to her seat.
"It depends. I thought a Bajoran blend might put us in the mood," B'Elanna said, blowing on the liquid in her cup to cool it slightly. She could have programmed the replicator to deliver it a few degrees cooler, but there was something about enjoying a hot beverage that was a bit *too* hot. The effort it took to cool it down seemed to add to the enjoyment.
"Put us in the mood for what?"
"To talk about the Maquis," she stated simply.
"B'Elanna, if you don't want to talk about it, I don't want to force you. The last thing I need on this trip is an emotionally distraught Klingon." Chakotay's voice was teasing, but B'Elanna sensed a grain of truth in his words.
"I *do* want to talk about it," she said, hoping she sounded sincere. Actually, it was the last thing she wanted to do, but she knew listening to him was the least she could do, after all the times he'd saved her sanity. Knowing she would have to be the one to get things started, she asked, "Do you think about them often?"
"I think about the good times, mostly," he said, trying some of his own *Pejuta.* "But sometimes that's even more painful. To think we'll never have the opportunity to share old memories with them again."
"I know," B'Elanna said, staring blankly ahead. "When we were first lost out here, it was some comfort to think I might have the chance, someday, to see them again. But now. . .now we'll never get that chance, whether we make it back to the Alpha Quadrant or not."
Chakotay looked to be lost in thought, no doubt thinking about the others that had been left behind: his family, the other members of their cell.
"I still find myself thinking about Etara and Roberto at the oddest moments," B'Elanna confessed, bringing Chakotay out of his contemplation. "I was conducting a diagnostic on the gel packs the other day when I heard Etara's voice in my head, sarcasm and all, saying she thought I was some kind of saint for not ripping out the entire mess and starting over. Me, a saint! But then she always said that because the notion was so absurd."
Chakotay smiled at the mention of Etara's candid nature. Many of the Maquis were outspoken. That was probably the major difference between themselves and their captain. It wasn't that he was less committed, he just didn't have to prove his loyalty by shouting about it.
"I remember the day we left on that last mission, the one that brought us to the Badlands," Chakotay said. "Roberto was so glad that I let him stay behind so he could be with Jalinda. I was happy I didn't need him that day. . . at least I was until Sveta's letter arrived."
"I don't know how you managed to get through it," B'Elanna said. "It's one thing to hear about it, another to have the evidence in your hand."
"I told you how I read that letter over and over; it wasn't an exaggeration," Chakotay said, his voice low. "I just couldn't bring myself to believe it. After all this time, it still doesn't seem real."
"Maybe if we'd had more time, some more details before we lost the connection to home when the array went down. But I know what you mean. Sometimes I think it's just some kind of cruel joke someone's playing on us. I wish someone would tell them the joke's over."
B'Elanna's face took on a slight scowl as she continued to reflect on the injustice of fate. "Chakotay?" she asked, looking back at him again. "Did you ever feel like you were a traitor joining up with Starfleet again?"
Chakotay blew out a breath, apparently struggling to put his feelings into words. "It wasn't an easy decision for me, if that's what you think. I looked at the uniform laying on the bed in my new quarters and was a bit overwhelmed. One minute I'm on a patched together cruiser with a thirty-nine-year-old rebuilt engine, and the next Captain Janeway's asking me to be her First Officer."
He stopped for a moment and looked at her, sheepishly. "Well, I guess it wasn't quite that fast, but you know what I mean. I was like a starving man at a feast. *Voyager* was being offered to me like some kind of prize. New, spacious quarters, a position of respect, almost equal to the one I held among the Maquis. All I had to do was put on that uniform again and it could all be mine. I began to rationalize the situation, telling myself if I were second-in-command I'd be in a position to help the Maquis, make certain they were treated fairly. While all that was true, there was also a part of me that missed Starfleet. Not the politics, but serving aboard a ship, a Starfleet vessel. To be a part of something bigger, to explore space, not just defend it. Janeway's offer was a siren's song, luring me back to my former life."
B'Elanna nodded, understanding how he felt. She'd left the Academy not because she didn't want to lead a Starfleet life, but because a Starfleet life didn't seem to want her. Professors constantly battled with her; fellow Cadets didn't seem to want anything to do with her beyond assignments. If she couldn't fit in at the Academy, how could she expect to fit in on a starship?
B'Elanna was a good engineer. A damn good engineer and she knew it. It was the only area of her life she had any confidence in. She had a temper and her Klingon bravado, but it was all a smokescreen for the scared woman underneath. Realizing she didn't need Starfleet to be an engineer on a space ship, she quit the Academy. Much to the relief, she was sure, of all concerned.
"So, what about you?" Chakotay asked.
"What do you mean, what about me?"
"Was it difficult for you to put on that uniform?" he clarified.
"It was awful," she said without hesitation. "The last thing I wanted was to be reminded of Starfleet. I found it all rather ironic."
"Oh?"
"I quit the Academy, joined the Maquis, only to end up as an engineer on a Starfleet vessel. Not exactly what I had planned."
"No, it's not the usual career track," Chakotay said with a grin. "But you've never been conventional, Torres."
"Well, that was certainly diplomatic," she teased in return. "You're right," B'Elanna said, taking up the thread of Chakotay's conversation once more. "Those first months were damn hard; I never thought Joe Carey and I would see eye-to-eye on anything."
Chakotay nodded, "It was a rough couple of months. But you made it through." He looked to be thinking of something else when he asked, out of the blue, "B'Elanna? How come you stayed with the Maquis?"
The question caught her off guard. "You refused to let me go," she said with a wry smile.
B'Elanna had been caught attempting to steal supplies; since she had nothing to offer by way of repayment, Chakotay pressed her into service for a period of one month. It seemed like a ridiculous length of time since she hadn't actually gotten away with the materials, but she stuck it out, even though she probably could have escaped on numerous occasions. There was something about Chakotay and his rag-tag group that she couldn't put her finger on. Perhaps it was the way he trusted her to stay the full month without supervision, or the fact that as long as she was with them she had food to eat, a purpose and companionship. It was probably a combination of those factors. All she knew was, by the end of her "sentence," she didn't want to leave. The Maquis hadn't exactly embraced her as family, but they hadn't rejected her either; it was a good feeling for once. And at the center of it all was Chakotay. He'd spotted her talent immediately, but didn't dwell on it. His offer of friendship was genuine, not merely an enticement to get her to stay with them. But the effect was the same. The Maquis had seduced her; she wasn't about to leave them.
"It was the only place I've ever felt I was accepted for myself, before *Voyager* that is" B'Elanna added. "I would have thought you would have known this, since you were a big part of it."
"I was? As I recall, I only made you stay one month," Chakotay taunted.
"You're the one who set the tone for the others," she said. "They took their cue from you. I doubt they would have been as open as they were if you hadn't offered me your friendship first."
Chakotay ducked his head shyly. "You seemed like you could use a friend. I was glad you let me be one. I remember the day I found you, face smudged with dirt and grease. You looked so hungry, I thought you'd just as soon eat that induction coil you were trying to steal as install it in that poor excuse you had for a ship."
"Poor excuse for a ship! Look who's talking! I can't believe those scrap heaps you called ships ever made it to space! Before I came along, that is," B'Elanna said smugly.
Chakotay laughed as he placed his empty mug on the console before him. "You definitely were an asset. I saw that right off. I'm glad you decided to stay. For more than one reason. You've been a good friend, Torres."
B'Elanna was uncomfortable with the emotions being expressed. Suddenly the shuttle felt terribly confining. Standing to move to the rear of their small ship she said, "I think I'll make sure we're ready to do that survey when we land on Resika; I don't want this to take any longer than it has to."
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, B'Elanna. I just wanted to make sure you knew how much I value our relationship. If this incident with the rest of the Maquis has taught me anything, it's that you just never know when the end will come. I wanted to make sure you knew what a good friend you've been to me."
"I'm not embarrassed," B'Elanna said, a defensive edge to her voice. Realizing she sounded a little too harsh she apologized. "I'm sorry, Chakotay, I guess I am feeling a little self-conscious. We usually don't talk about such personal things."
An uneasy silence settled over the pair as neither was quite sure what to say next. Sparing them further discomfort, the voice of the computer suddenly blurted out a terse, "Warning! Asteroid field at heading zero mark eight-two-eight."
Chakotay swiveled in his seat as B'Elanna quickly slid back into hers. She activated the shuttle's sensors as Chakotay retook the helm.
"I'm reading a concentration of large asteroids at four-eight-nine mark two-six" she informed him. "This field's not on any of the charts we have. We'll intercept in approximately two minutes."
"Any way around it?" he asked, already plotting a course through the field.
"It doesn't look like it. At least no way that won't take us several hours out of our way."
"Raise shields and try to contact *Voyager*." he ordered.
"This is the shuttlecraft *Sacajawea* calling *Voyager*," B'Elanna called out. There was no response. She tried several more times, but the result was the same.
"They're not answering. I'm reading some kind of electro-magnetic distortion coming from the asteroid field; it must be blocking our communications."
"Understood. Hang on and get ready for a bumpy ride."
"You sure you're up to this?" B'Elanna questioned. "After all, you haven't logged in a lot of flight time recently."
"What's the matter, B'Elanna, don't you trust me?" Chakotay grinned.
"With my life," she answered immediately. "Which is looking shorter all the time," she added under her breath. Just then the shuttle lurched as Chakotay barely skirted a massive chunk of rock.
"Sorry about that," he said, glancing over at B'Elanna's stricken expression. "Relax. I could give Paris a run for his money."
"Chakotay! Look out!" B'Elanna cried, drawing his attention back to the huge asteroid directly in their path.
Swerving effectively he looked over at her, a smug expression on his face. "See?"
"I don't think Tom has to worry about being reassigned," she said, her voice acid.
B'Elanna looked positively ill as Chakotay continued to guide the shuttle around the space debris. "You used to take this kind of thing much more in stride," Chakotay observed.
"Like you said: I've changed a lot." The erratic movement of the shuttle suddenly came to a halt. "Are we through it?" she asked, checking the sensors for confirmation.
"Not all the way. I've matched our speed to the surrounding asteroids," he told her, adjusting their course. "Kind of like running with the pack. I thought I'd give you a break for a minute before we attempt crossing the rest."
"That really isn't necessary, but as long as things have settled down, I'm going to take some readings; I don't want to waste this opportunity now that we're here." B'Elanna set the sensors to do a standard sweep, also recalibrating them to take some non-standard readings as well. It was something else she'd learned during her time on *Voyager*: never waste an opportunity to explore when you had it. Captain Janeway had taught her that. Janeway had proven an excellent mentor and B'Elanna was grateful she'd had the chance to work with her. Even if it meant being stranded on the other side of the galaxy.
"You're awful quiet again, Torres. I didn't scare you that much, did I?"
B'Elanna gave him a crooked smile. "I was just thinking about how lucky I am to have ended up on *Voyager*. What an opportunity it's been. It's a life I never envisioned having. Gods, I was furious with the Captain when she destroyed the array! And with you for siding with her. Then with myself, for becoming Starfleet again." Without warning tears began to well up in B'Elanna's eyes. She quickly looked down at her hands, unable to meet his gaze.
"I like the life I have now," she confessed. "I like who I am and who I work with, but that's what so hard, sometimes," she said with a sigh. Taking a breath she continued. "I'll be working at a panel, or in a Jeffries tube when suddenly the thought will hit me: why was I so lucky? Why was it me on your ship and not Etara, or Jalinda? Of course, at first I cursed that I was the one sucked into the Delta Quadrant. But after you got Sveta's letter, probably even before that, I realized I was the lucky one. And I felt so guilty that I had given up on the Maquis, embracing Starfleet and *Voyager*. That letter drove the point home, how I selfishly abandoned them for my own happiness."
"B'Elanna," Chaotay spoke softly, taking the hands she was twisting in her lap. "I can't tell you to stop feeling guilty over their deaths. Only you can absolve yourself of that. And I know how you feel; it's the same for me. But I have to believe that they wouldn't deny us a happy life even though theirs ended tragically. If the situation were reversed, wouldn't you want the best for them? Would you think them traitorous for looking for the good in a new existence?"
"Of course not," she answered quickly.
"Then why do you think they would? Don't you think the others cared about you enough to want your happiness?"
Tears now slid slowly from B'Elanna's eyes down her cheeks. She didn't even bother to brush them aside. If Chakotay had been anyone else, she would have vehemently denied she was crying. B'Elanna wasn't even sure she could cry in front of Tom. But Chakotay was different; having shared her experiences, he knew the depth of her pain.
A small beep from B'Elanna's panel interrupted them. It repeated several times before Chakotay asked, "What's that?"
Hearing the chirp for the first time, B'Elanna checked the status of the scan. "Oh, Kahless, Chakotay! You're not going to believe this!"
"What?" he asked, leaning over to see her readings. "Am I reading that right? There's deuterium in the *asteroids*?"
B'Elanna let out an uncharacteristic whoop. "We just hit the mother lode!" Energized by her discovery, B'Elanna's fingers flew over the console reconfiguring the sensors once more. "Over half those space rocks contain some amount of deuterium, others show signs of hydrogen; some have both! Chakotay, this could keep the ship going for months! Possibly years!"
Absorbed in her new task, B'Elanna forgot her melancholy from moments before. Chakotay watched her as she worked. An amused smile came to his lips as he gazed at her, elbow on his knee, chin on his fist.
"What?" B'Elanna asked, catching him out of the corner of his eye.
"Nothing. I was just thinking how you've probably got it all figured out how and where to use the deuterium and it hasn't even been collected yet," he said, straightening up. "Your mind moves at warp speed when you have a challenge before you. It's been awhile since I've seen you like this; it's good to have you back."
"I didn't think I'd gone anywhere," she answered, purposely obtuse.
"No, just distracted," Chakotay said. As B'Elanna noted the self-satisfied look on her Commander's face, the realization hit home. He hadn't needed to talk about the Maquis. She had. And when she refused him the front door, he simply went around to the back, claiming the need to bare his own soul.
"You're good, Chakotay," B'Elanna said, a slightly embarrassed look gracing her features. "I just never knew *how* good."
"What?" he asked, feigning innocence.
"You're probably the only one in the galaxy who could get me to open up about the Maquis like that. I didn't even think I needed to. You knew that too."
Chakotay fidgeted in his seat, powering up the shuttle once more. "What do you say we let the captain in on the good news? As soon as we're clear of the asteroids, the communications should work again."
B'Elanna simply nodded. Placing her hand on his arm she drew his attention back to her. "Thank you," she almost whispered, her voice so thick with emotion.
"Any time, my friend. Let's go home."
The End