DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters andplaces are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp andDouble Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction wascreated for entertainment not monetary purposes and noinfringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended.Previously unrecognized characters and places, and thisstory, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity toreal persons, living or dead, is coincidental and notintended by the author.

Author's Notes: I wish to thank my beta readers for their inspiration and helpful comments, but any mistakes are mine alone. In no particular order: Gina, Karen, Jo, Michelle, Sally and Sheena. Thank you all so much for sticking with this!

Copyright July 2001 by Noda

*Illusion of Truth*

~1~

Samantha Carter stood at the patio door, overlooking a balcony fronting the ocean. It was a gorgeous day--bright sunshine reflecting off the low surf--but she didn't remember it being sunny. Or that there was an ocean for that matter. The last thing she could recall was staff weapons firing on her at dusk on a planet in the midst of a torrential downpour. She remembered sliding in the mud, frantically scrabbling for purchase on a steep incline as she searched for signs of Colonel O'Neill and the rest of her team. Off to her left there had been gunfire, and she remembered hearing O'Neill calling out her name in warning as she popped her head up for a better look at the situation, then nothing, until she was standing there, staring out at the vista before her.

Sam was surprised to look down and find herself clad in only a large, white bath towel. She *definitely* had more than that on last time she checked. Panic was starting to set in when she felt a strong arm circle her waist, pulling her back against a hard male body. A body that didn't seem to think it was presumptuous to nuzzle her neck and place a light kiss just behind her ear.

"I missed you," he said, pulling her closer. "Why didn't you wake me, we could have shared the shower."

Sam froze in shock. "S. . .Sir?" she questioned, almost afraid to turn her head to confirm what she already knew. She'd know that voice anywhere.

"Sir?" he questioned, pulling back slightly, almost, but not quite releasing her. "Oh, I get it, you want to play 'major and colonel' again." Sam could tell from the tone of his voice he was smiling as he drew her near once more. "Come here," he growled. "That's an order, Major."

"Sir!" she practically squealed as she jumped from his arms, clutching the towel tighter to her body.

"Sam? Are you feeling all right? I have to admit you felt all right last night," he grinned, wagging his eyebrows at her. Normally the gesture would have at least provoked a smile, but she couldn't do anything but gape at him. Not only was she stunned at his unprofessional behavior, she didn't understand how she came to be in a room alone with him, wearing just a towel and he only in a pair of boxers.

Sam stood blinking at him, totally at a loss for words. Jack started to take a step closer, but she held out her hand in a meager show of defense. "Don't come any closer."

"Sam? What's wrong?" Jack asked, concern clearly etched on his face. "Did you slip in the shower? Hit your head or something?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said, backing away until she made contact with the wall. "The last thing I remember was being pinned down by a bunch of Jaffa on P2X-993. You called out my name, and the next thing I know I'm here, dressed--if you can call it that--in a towel. What the *hell* is going on, Sir?"

"Sam," Jack said, slowly advancing on her, "I don't know what brought this on, but Janet kept saying it was a possibility."

Sam shook her head. "What? What are you talking about?"

"It's most likely a form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, although, since it's been two years I thought. . ."

"*Two years?*" Sam was shaking her head back in forth as she tried to digest what Jack had just told her. "No, no, nonono, no! That's not possible! I can see losing a day, maybe a week, but two years? I can't believe it! I won't believe it!"

Jack moved a little closer, causing her to shuffle along the wall to keep some distance between them. "Sam, you didn't lose two years! Everything's been fine until now! Like I said, I thought you'd aced this, put it behind you!"

"Then why can't I remember anything after the mission to P2X-993 or even going back through the 'gate?"

Jack froze where he stood. "Nothing? You don't remember anything?" The look on his face caused Sam to suddenly forget her own confusion, replacing it with sympathy for the pained expression he now wore.

Sam felt her throat constrict. "I'm sorry, but I don't." Jack turned away from her, trying to hide how her revelation was affecting him. "Sir? Are *you* all right?"

It took a moment, but Jack cleared his throat and softly replied, "Yeah. Great." Slowly, he turned to look back at her. "It's just a little unsettling having all these memories of the last two years with you and you don't. Kinda makes me feel like they didn't happen."

"Last two years with *me?*"

"Well, yeah, we started seriously seeing each other when my knee was permanently wrecked on '993." Sam's surprise must have been evident when he continued with, "I don't suppose you remember that, either."

"I'm sorry, sir, I don't." Sam could feel her cheeks warming at the implication. He wasn't in the Air Force any longer? He wasn't her CO?

"Do ya think you could at least call me 'Jack?' This is hard enough without that reminder."

Sam nodded, then tore her gaze from his, looking down at her barely covered body. "I should get dressed."

"Probably a good idea. Under the circumstances," he added.

"Um, Jack? Any idea where I might have put my clothes?"

He crossed to the dresser, pulling a pair of jeans and a T-shirt as well as underwear from a bag she didn't recognize. Jack didn't seem uncomfortable handling her more intimate apparel, but Sam felt her face flush once more as he handed her the items.

Heading for the bathroom, Sam turned to Jack with a question that had burned in her mind since she'd "woke up."

"Jack? Where are we?"

"Maui, why?"

"I was just wondering what we were doing here," she said.

The hurt look returned to his face. "It's our honeymoon."

Sam felt herself gasp, just before the room tilted and she collapsed to the floor.

~2~

Eros looked down at the woman lying on the table. She was resisting the programming and he was growing impatient. Looking to his lover and companion, Psyche, he watched as she fine-tuned the device attached to the woman's temple. It was a reconfigured memory recall implant they'd received in trade from a Tok'ra, altered to create images rather than remember them.

"Why isn't this working? You told me the Tau'ri were particularly susceptible to this type of mind control."

Psyche sighed, pulling her long, dark hair back over her shoulders. "Normally, they are, but now I'm sensing the presence of naquada in her system. Not a lot, but enough to throw off my calculations."

"She was a host?" Eros asked, his voice sounding skeptical as he turned her head to the side, searching the back of her neck for an entry scar.

"That would be my guess," Psyche confirmed.

"There is no outward evidence," he said, turning the woman's head back to its original position.

"Perhaps the Tok'ra?" she ventured. Eros shrugged. He really didn't care how it was the woman came to have naquada in her body, only that it could be compensated for.

"You've made allowances?"

"Yes. I've recalibrated the implant to counter-act the effects of the mineral, but I can't change what we've already implanted."

"I don't understand," Eros said. "All you need to do is get her to remember the codes to their Stargate shield and what type of defenses Earth has. Why is this deception necessary?"

Psyche slid her hand seductively up the well-muscled chest of her associate, moving to twine her fingers in his blonde, slightly curled locks. "Are you not the God of Love, my Lord? Surely you know better than anyone a person will do anything for love. Even betray alliances they've sworn to. Samantha will give us the information we require; it will only take a bit longer than I'd originally anticipated."

Eros' eyes flashed as he felt the heat she always ignited within his body. Yes, he did know better than anyone, people--even gods-- would do anything for love, after all, he could deny Psyche nothing.

"Very well. Continue. But if you do not have results soon, I will be forced to use more 'aggressive' methods."

"You shall have your answers, my Lord, and then you shall have Apophis where he belongs--kneeling at your feet."

Eros ran a hand through her silky, dark hair, pulling her closer to capture her mouth. The kiss only served to further inflame his passion for her, but he knew now was not the time to be distracted. There was too much at stake.

***

Psyche watched Eros retreat from the chamber where the Tau'ri woman was being held. She knew he was eager for results, but he didn't understand the delicate balance she had to maintain for Samantha to embrace the memories she'd given her. It never occurred to her to check for naquada in this warrior woman of the Tau'ri. When a Goa'uld left a host, they took everything they could, including the host's life. But for some reason, this woman had survived an unblending. If Psyche didn't have to concentrate so on the thoughts she was implanting, perhaps she would have looked for recollections of Samantha's symbiote, if for no other reason than to satisfy her curiosity.

Eros had wanted to use the ribbon device to extract the information he needed from the woman, but Psyche convinced him it would be better to have Samantha give up her secrets willingly, and to do that, she had to reach her on a level torture could not.

While scanning Samantha's memories, several men kept showing up. An older man Psyche realized was her father. Another older man who seemed to be her superior where she worked within Earth's secret fortress. The Jaffa she had spotted when Eros' forces overtook the Tau'ri. A younger man; a colleague and friend. A slightly older man, again in the position of authority, but one Samantha seemed to think of more than the rest. He was the one to get the woman to give up her secrets.

Unfortunately, the unexpected naquada caused Samantha to have a memory loss within her own false memories. Psyche thought about cleansing her mind of the initial implant, but she'd already invested too much time in the illusion to start over. Besides, she wasn't sure it could be completely cleansed. It would only serve to cause Samantha further doubts about what was real, and she was suspicious enough as it was. No, it was best to continue on, and let this "Jack" persuade her what Psyche had implanted was the truth. Once Samantha was convinced Jack could be trusted, she'd share with him what Eros needed to know.

~3~

Sam's eyelids fluttered open to a darkened room. She could see it was still daylight, but the curtains had been drawn and she was covered with a light blanket. Shifting, Sam realized she still wasn't dressed, but remained wrapped in the towel. Putting a hand to her forehead, she discovered a cool cloth had been placed across her brow.

Letting out a low moan, Sam alerted Jack she'd regained consciousness. He was instantly at her side, smoothing damp hair from her forehead.

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

Sam thought a moment about her response then said, "like the bottom just dropped out of my world."

"Oh," he said, moving away, but before he could stand, Sam stopped him by placing her hand on his arm.

"Si. . .Jack, it's nothing personal, but it's just a lot to take in, you know?"

He nodded his understanding. "Yeah, I guess it would be. If someone told me I was married and had no recollection of it, it'd knock me for a loop, too." They shared an uncomfortable silence, then he turned to her. "I called Janet."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, she said she was sorry, but it wasn't totally unexpected. We were all just hoping something like this wouldn't happen."

"We?"

"You know, Janet, Daniel, Teal'c, Hammond your dad. . . ."

"Right."

"And me of course," he added. Sam's gaze slid away from his again, focusing on a patch of sunlight showing through a gap in the drapes.

"You said PTSD," she swallowed. "What happened?"

Jack picked up her hand, loosely winding his fingers with hers. "You died," he said simply.

Sam's head snapped up. "I WHAT?"

"Janet said technically, you were dead for over five minutes. She was worried you'd suffer brain damage, but somehow you were fine."

"I don't know what your definition of 'fine' is, but waking up in a strange room, with you telling me we're mar. . .married, and two years of my life are gone, isn't it!" Sam threw back the blanket, intent on rising from the bed, but Jack held her in place.

"You need to rest!" he insisted, pushing her back down onto the mattress.

"What I need are some answers!" Sam cried, struggling against his hands. Sighing, Jack let her up, watching as she crossed to the clothes she'd dropped when she'd fainted. "I'm going to get dressed and then you're going to tell me everything!"

Shutting the door to the bathroom, Sam leaned back against its solid surface. Her mind was reeling. Married? To Jack? And she'd *died?* Funny how that seemed a secondary concern to finding out she and Jack were newlyweds.

She ran her hands through her hair. It was slightly longer, but still an acceptable length for Air Force officers. So, did that mean she was still at the SGC? Jack must have retired if they were together. Now that she thought about it, he did seem to have more of a pronounced limp. He'd mentioned his knee getting wrecked on '993, had that been the end of his career? So many questions were swirling in her mind she felt herself growing dizzy again. Clutching the edge of the sink, Sam steadied herself until the wave of vertigo passed. She looked up into the mirror, noting her face was deathly pale. No wonder Jack was worried about her--she looked like hell.

Jack. It certainly didn't take her long to accept calling him by his name rather than "sir" or "colonel." Shouldn't it feel odder than this to be so familiar with him? Could he be right and they *had* spent the last two years together and she just couldn't recall it?

"Sam? You okay?"

Sam was startled out of her thoughts by the sound of Jack's voice. "Uh, yeah. I'm just about done," she called out. Dropping the towel, she noticed her stomach was slightly more rounded than she remembered. *Guess I haven't been working out as much as I should,* she thought to herself as she pulled on her jeans. The fit wasn't snug, which surprised her. If she'd put on a few pounds she'd expected them to be tight. It wasn't like her to buy a size larger. If she noticed she'd been hitting the dessert table too much, she made an effort to rid herself of the extra weight, not compensate by purchasing larger clothes. The T-shirt too, was looser than she usually wore. It wasn't a bad fit, just. . .different.

Two toothbrushes lay on the side of the sink. Which was hers? She couldn't tell by looking at them, so she chose the one closest to her. If she was wrong, it wouldn't be the end of the world. After all, Jack claimed they were married, so they'd obviously shared more than just a toothbrush.

Sam found herself growing embarrassed once more. How odd to think he could remember making love with her, and she couldn't recall the same intimacy. It made this whole situation even more surreal.

One subject she hadn't let her mind touch on was if he could be right about the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. She'd been through a lot of tough missions and had never suffered any long-term ill effects, even when she'd died on the Nox home world. Sam suppressed a shudder. Had she really been clinically dead for over five minutes? She could see how something like that could come back to haunt you. But Jack said it had been two years since the event. Had she shown any other symptoms before this?

She wasn't getting any answers hiding out in the bathroom. Sam didn't know if she could take Jack at his word or not, but what would be the point in lying to her about something like this?

Stepping from the bathroom, Sam watched Jack stand from where he sat perched on the edge of the bed, a weak smile on his face.

"You don't look quite so pale," he ventured as he closed the distance between them.

"I hate to think what I looked like before," Sam said with a slight grin, hoping to ease some of his worry by keeping things light. It seemed to have the desired effect as his smile grew larger. "So. . .," Sam said, stuffing her hands into the pockets of her jeans. "I died, huh?"

Jack's smile slipped and he looked away. "Not exactly the high point of my life."

"Mine either," she joked, getting him to look up at her.

"Hey, I'm the one with the bad jokes, remember?"

This time it was Sam's smile that melted away. "Yeah, that much I do."

"I guess there's no getting around this conversation," Jack sighed. "How about we go down to the beach? I'm starting to feel a little claustrophobic."

Sam nodded; it was a good idea. The confines of the room made everything seem even more personal. A little space would be welcome change. Heading for the door, Jack stopped her, handing her a pair of sunglasses.

"Here. I don't know how you always manage to forget these when the sun bothers your eyes so much."

Sam accepted the glasses, wondering how he knew this about her. Had she mentioned it on a mission, or had he paid more attention to her than she thought?

Noting her confused look, Jack said, "you told me the day we took Cassie to the fair. I accidentally broke your glasses, and you practically had me drawn and quartered."

"I did? I can't believe I would have gotten so upset over a pair of sunglasses."

"They were the first pair you were issued when you started flying. I guess they had a lot of sentimental value."

Sam looked at the pair of glasses in her hand. They weren't cheap. Apparently he'd done everything he could to rectify the situation. She didn't know what surprised her more--that she'd gone ballistic over something as trivial as sunglasses or that he knew the story behind them. It might have been something that would have come up during a mission, but she doubted it.

"Shall we go, Mrs.. . .Sam?" Jack looked almost sheepish at his slip. "Sorry, I guess I was getting used to calling you that."

Sam looked away briefly then back in his direction. "So, am I just 'O'Neill' or 'Carter-O'Neill?'"

"You like the hyphen. Personally, I think it's because your initials are C.O." Sam grinned at his teasing. At least some things hadn't changed.

Both were silent as they walked down to the shoreline, unsure where to begin. Sam took off her shoes, and Jack agreed it was a good idea, and they left both pairs on the sand. Walking in the surf, Sam finally broached the subject they'd been avoiding.

"So, how'd I die?"

Jack reached over, trying to take her hand, but when Sam started at the contact, he opted for placing his hands in his pockets. "Kind of a long story, but I'll try to pare it down for you. You say you remember being under fire on P2X-993?"

"Yeah, it was raining so hard I was having trouble maintaining a position. I was on this steep incline and I kept slipping down the hill. I didn't know what had happened to you or Daniel and Teal'c, so I was just trying to stay low until I found you. Then I heard gun fire off to my left, so I knew it had to be either you or Daniel. I remember peeking around the rock I was hiding behind, hearing you call out my name, and that's it. I woke up here."

"Well, that's part of the story," he admitted. "Ya kinda left out a big chunk, though."

"Like the last two years," she supplied. "So tell me. What happened?"

Jack looked out over the ocean, shoulders slumped as he recalled the events. "I yelled at you, but it was to get down. Either you didn't hear me, or ignored my order, because you were hit with a zat blast. At first I was more concerned about keeping those guys busy so they couldn't shoot you again, but Teal'c managed to get my attention, letting me know you hadn't moved.

"While I was trying to get to you, I was shot in the knee, even though Daniel and Teal'c did their best to cover me. Somehow, I made my way to where you'd fallen, only to discover you weren't breathing and didn't have a pulse. Needless to say, I started to panic. I didn't even realize how bad my knee was at that point. I knew, zat blasts hurt like hell and left a person weak, but I'd never seen anyone go into cardiac arrest over one. I started to do CPR, and after a few minutes you started to come around. I knew I had to get you back to Fraiser ASAP, but the Jaffa still had us at a disadvantage. The biggest cluster of warriors was close--close enough for Teal'c to toss a grenade at them, but I couldn't get his attention with the noise and smoke from the staff weapons. Finally, Daniel looked in my direction and I started miming pulling the pin from a grenade and tossing it. I swear to God he's clueless sometimes! I don't know how many times I made the motion before he got what I was trying to tell him."

"You can't really blame him," Sam said, defending her friend. "He's only had the basics when in comes to any kind of combat training. And if it was as smoky as you said, he maybe he didn't see what you were doing."

"Well, it all worked out in the end as he finally got the message, relayed it to Teal'c and they blew those Jaffa to Hell. I still didn't think we were going make it back because I could barely stand and I didn't have the code to the. . .iris."

Sam looked up, wondering why it was he'd stumbled over the word 'iris.' It was almost as if he was going to call it something else and then changed his mind at the last minute. Even stranger was the fact he claimed not to know the code. He knew it, same as everyone on the team did. He might not have had a GDO, but there would have been one strapped to her arm. He must have used it to get them home, so someone had to input the code.

"Daniel must have sent the code," she speculated.

"Yeah, he did, that's how we got you back to Earth." There was still something off about the way he described their return through the Stargate. Perhaps it was just the pain of remembering his injury and her being hurt, she thought.

"So, if I was breathing when I made it though the 'gate, when did I die?"

"In the infirmary. Janet was hooking you up to all that equipment when you flat-lined. She tried those paddle-thingies, but she said for some reason it was making it worse--that you still had some kind of residual charge in your body and the electricity she used only increased what was already there."

"That doesn't make any sense," Sam protested. "The human body isn't like a battery that it can hold a charge!"

"Hey, I don't know about stuff like that! Maybe it's that naquada in you, how should I know? All I *do* know is Janet's efforts seemed to be making things worse, and she didn't know what else to try. She stuck a big honkin' needle in your heart, but that didn't do any good either. I was lying on a gurney watching the whole thing. Let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. It was going on five minutes and she was stumped. She tried CPR again, but it still wasn't working. She was barely holding it together when she stopped doing chest compressions, unwilling to admit she'd actually lost you. We were all in shock, just staring at your lifeless body, when Janet started to call the time of death. Suddenly you gasped for breath, and the monitors started beeping. To this day Janet doesn't know how it happened, but I think she goes to church more than she used to," he grinned.

"So, she never came up with an explanation as to how I recovered?"

Jack shrugged his shoulders. "Just one of those things, I guess." He stopped, his hand reaching out to turn her toward him. "You've always been a miracle, Sam. Now I just have proof."

Sam felt her throat tighten as she looked into his eyes. Jack O'Neill had never been one for sappy sentiments. *Something* had to have happened between them for him to be so forthright revealing his emotions. She started to grope for a response, but before she could answer, he started walking again, picking up his narrative once more.

"I was in the infirmary recuperating from my knee surgery, and you were there for observation, so, we had a lot of time to talk. Finally settled all the business about what happened with Freya and that zanax detector." He was smiling, and she knew it was from his intentional mis-use of the word 'zanax.' He'd always done that, often just to get a rise out of her.

"We'd grown closer spending so much time in Doc Fraiser's little bed and breakfast, so even when you were released for light duty, you visited as often as you could. I was in re-hab, but I knew there was no way I was going out in the field again."

"That must have been so hard for you," she said, genuine sympathy radiating from her.

Jack released a sigh and looked out at the water again. "Yeah, but not nearly as tough as it could have been." He looked back at her and elaborated. "I had a few other things to keep me occupied."

Sam looked down, scuffing the sand with her bare toes. "You seem to be getting along all right now," she said, nodding at his right leg. It was stiffer than his left, but he was having no trouble keeping up with her.

"I'm okay to walk--in fact Doc insists on it--but I know there's no way I could keep up with team in the field, much less lead one. Besides, it's kind of a trade-off."

"Trade-off?"

"Yeah, I lost SG-1, but I found you." His words were making her feel uncomfortable again, and she found herself being honest with him.

"This is really awkward for me," she confessed. "You say all these things, make these personal statements, but I don't remember any of this. It makes me feel a little uneasy, if you know what I mean."

Jack stopped, picked up a stone and tossed it out into the ocean. "Sorry. It's just that yesterday was one of the happiest days of my life, and now it's all been ripped away. I keep waiting to wake up."

"How do you think I feel?" Sam asked gently, throwing a rock of her own into the surf. "You tell me we had this life together and I have to take it on blind faith. If you recall, I'm not too big in that department."

Jack smiled at her, and from the way he was looking at her, Sam knew he wanted to kiss her. How many times had she dreamed of seeing that expression on his face? He would be more than willing to satisfy her wish, but there was no sense in deluding each other that she remembered being his wife.

Breaking the spell that had settled over them, Sam asked, "you say this is some form of PTSD, why now after two years?"

Jack shrugged his shoulders. "That's what I asked Janet, but she doesn't have an explanation, any more than she did why you suddenly recovered. She was expecting you to have some type of reaction when this happened--nightmares, phobias--something, but you never showed any signs it had affected you. She said short-term amnesia might be a possibility, that maybe you'd block out the events on '993. After a year went by, we were all pretty confident you weren't going to suffer any side effects. Frankly, I'd forgotten about it. At least until this morning."

"You have no idea how weird this feels. It's not like I *am* upset about what you told me. I mean it's pretty miraculous I *did* recover, but I don't feel any differently than I would about any mission where I'd been hurt. I should have had trouble dealing with it before this. I just don't know what could have set it off."

"Janet thinks maybe we had a little too much fun on our honeymoon," he teased.

"Well, Jack, pardon me for being crude, but I hardly think you screwed my brains out!"

Jack raised his eyebrows in mock indignation. "Sam! I can't believe you said that!"

Sam felt her cheeks coloring. "Actually, neither can I," she mumbled, turning away from him.

"Hey," he said, pulling her around to face him again. "I only meant a few years ago you wouldn't have said something like that. Maybe this is a good sign."

"Oh yeah, being vulgar is a real improvement!"

"How about step in the right direction?" he offered. "Two years ago you wouldn't have felt comfortable enough with me to be so blunt."

"Okay, I'll accept that," she said, still wondering where the statement had come from in the first place. Suddenly changing topics, she asked, "So, now what? What happens if I stay this way?"

Jack was silent, obviously mulling over the implications if she didn't remember their life together. Reaching down, he scooped up a handful of loose sand, allowing it to run through his fingers. "I guess we'll just have to do it all over again."

"Do what all over again?"

Looking up, Jack's eyes met Sam's. "Fall in love."

Sam was speechless. It was so unlike the Jack she knew to be so open, so honest about his feelings for her, that she wasn't quite sure what to make of it. Spending two years together had probably meant they'd broken down a lot of barriers, both on her part and his. The last thing she could recall about her relationship with Jack was he was her CO and they were struggling with an attraction to each other. An attraction they both knew couldn't be acted on under their current circumstances.

But now he was telling her those circumstances had changed and they'd stopped denying their feelings. It seemed almost like a fantasy come true. So much so, Sam was having trouble believing it was real. Could getting together really have been as easy as he made it sound?

Walking ahead of him, Sam turned her head slightly so he could catch her words. "You make it appear so simple. That you were discharged and we ended up together."

"Well, simple isn't the word I'd use to describe it," he laughed, catching up with her. "Even though it wasn't against the rules any longer, we both had trouble accepting what we felt for each other. Maybe the regs had been ingrained in us too long, who knows."

Sam nodded. She could see she would have held back in getting to know Jack outside the SGC. For one thing, she wouldn't have wanted to substantiate the rumors she had a thing for her CO There was enough speculation on that. No, it would have taken time for her to let down her guard enough for him to completely move into her heart. Even now, with as attracted to him as she was, she couldn't imagine being his lover. And yet his actions proved they'd been intimate for some time.

"Do I still work at the SGC? Am I still on SG-1?" she asked.

"Yeah, you're at the SGC, but you're on a leave from SG-1 with the baby and all." Jack's eyes popped open, as if he realized he'd just dropped another bombshell on her.

"Ba. . .baby?" Sam's hands automatically went to her stomach, feeling the slight rounding again. She was *pregnant?*

"Oh, God, Sam! I didn't mean to tell you this way! I just keep forgetting there's so much you don't remember!" Jack tried to pull her into his arms but she backed even further out of his reach.

"Stay away from me!" she cried. "Just stay the hell away from me!"

"Sam? Honey, come on! Look, just give me a minute to explain!"

"Explain? I don't think this needs any explaining! I have a pretty good idea where babies come from!"

"Sam! It's not like it was a mistake or anything! We wanted this baby!"

Sam held the palms of her hands to her ears, trying to block the sound of his voice. God! This could *not* be happening! Continuing to retreat from him, Sam warned him, "please, Jack! I need some time to digest all of this!"

"Sam. . . ." he pleaded.

"I just need to be alone!" she yelled as she began running down the beach. Fortunately, Jack hadn't followed her. She was garnering stares from the other people walking on the beach, but no one approached her. Finally, when she couldn't take another step, she sank to the sand, pulling her knees to her chest. She noticed she couldn't pull them quite as close as she once had, and started crying all the harder.

It was difficult enough to believe she was in a relationship with Jack, but married and expecting his child? How much more could she take? *Was* there any more to take? And why was she so upset? Hadn't this always been one of her secret fantasies? However, day dreaming about it and being told it was true were two different things.

Burying her face in her hands, Sam tried to remember anything from their past together. Shouldn't she remember something? Even if it were just a moment? A scene of them together? A flash of a memory of them making love? How was it possible to have her mind essentially wiped overnight? If this was some form of PTSD as Jack told her, what set it off? And if was related to her "death" why didn't the thought of her having died bother her more? It was almost as if the thought of her and Jack being together was more traumatic than dying. Could that be what set her off? Marrying him? Looking down at her stomach, it was obvious they'd been together before their marriage, so if her amnesia was a result of guilt over their relationship, wouldn't this have happened before now? God, she was so confused!

~4~

Psyche shook her head as she watched Samantha's thoughts playing themselves out on the screen. She was being particularly resistant to the mind control device, fighting her with every step. Perhaps it was her own fault as well. Psyche had been anxious for results and it was possible she pushed Samantha too far too soon. She'd thought by introducing the idea of a child with O'Neill, Samantha would feel more of a connection to him, trust him more readily. She knew of the woman's desire for the man, why was she resisting the idea so?

Psyche had almost destroyed everything when Jack didn't instantly know the word for the Tau'ri's Stargate shield, or that he should have known the codes without having to ask her. It had caused doubt in Samantha's mind which would take even longer to undo. Psyche was going to have to be more clever if Samantha was to reveal the information she needed to Jack.

If only it was just a matter of reading Samantha's thoughts, but it wasn't that simple. Psyche could make the suggestion, but Samantha's mind needed someone to interact with to bring forth those thoughts. If only the naquada hadn't fouled her initial attempt. No doubt she would have had the key to the Tau'ri defenses by now and Eros would be rewarding her. Psyche grew warm just thinking of how he would bestow his favor on her. He had chosen his host well, and the mere sight of him was enough to make her knees weak. She needed no more incentive to finish her task at hand.

~5~

Sam felt a blanket drape around her shoulders and she looked up to see Jack's worried face illuminated in the moonlight reflecting off the water.

"How're ya doing?" he asked, keeping his distance.

"Better," she said, pushing errant strands of hair back from her face. "I'm sorry about before; I didn't mean to freak out like that or worry you."

Jack took a tentative step closer. "Well, I shouldn't have blurted it out that way, either."

"Any way would have been a shock," she tried to smile. Until Jack had given her the blanket, she didn't realize how chilled she'd become. Pulling the material closer around her, she nodded to the sand next to her. "You can sit down, I'm not going to run away again."

"I was getting concerned," he said, lowering himself to the sand. The action was more difficult for him than Sam remembered and immediately she felt sorry for asking him to sit when she could have stood. "You've been out here for hours, and you haven't eaten all day," he said with a grunt once he was finally on the ground.

"Can't say it crossed my mind," she said with a small smile.

"I don't suppose it would have," he agreed. The silence between them was tense; neither sure what to say.

"Sam. . . "

"Jack. . ." they spoke at the same time, causing each other to laugh nervously.

"This feels so weird," he said, "like it's a first date or something. We weren't this awkward when we *had* a first date."

Sam looked over at him. "What did we do?"

"Well, I was trying to impress you," he admitted. "So I made reservations at this really fancy French restaurant that had just opened up. I even got Daniel to give me a crash course in French so I could pronounce the items on the menu." Jack smiled at the memory. "You looked fantastic. You had on this little black dress and heels that looked so sexy, I wondered how I was gonna make it through dinner."

Sam looked down at the ground, playing with the sand. She knew what dress he was talking about. She'd bought it on a whim, at Janet's insistence, hoping someday she'd get the chance to wear it for him. Apparently she had.

"Anyway, we got to the restaurant and everything was going great. I even managed to order without mangling the words too much. So, our dinner arrives and we each took a bite and it was all I could do to swallow. I have no idea what I ordered, but it tasted awful! I looked over at you and you had this same stricken look on you face, like you didn't want to insult me by telling me how bad it tasted. There we were, both pushing our food around our plates, neither of us taking another bite. Finally, I asked how it was and you mumbled something non-committal, and our eyes met and we both burst out laughing. I looked over at you and said, 'well, mine tastes like shit,' which started us both laughing so hard we couldn't speak. It only grew worse when the waiter came to ask if everything was all right. When I could draw a breath, I told him the escargot had really filled us up, and asked for the check."

Sam was smiling, envisioning the two of them suddenly trying to be serious. "So was that the end of the date?"

Jack was smirking as well, as he finished his tale. "No. Actually, we were both still really hungry so we drove to a McDonalds. We had Big Macs, fries, the works, sitting in one of those cramped, plastic booths. It was the best date I'd ever had," he smiled fondly.

Sam was grinning too, thinking of the sitting in the garish florescent lighting, dressed to the max, eating fast food. "I guess we're just spoiled eating all those tasty MREs," she said.

"Of course, the best part was when I took you home."

"Oh?" she asked, suddenly feeling nervous.

"Yeah, I got to kiss you good-night." Noting the expression on her face, he added, "that's all we did."

Sam relaxed, unsure why talking about them being involved made her so tense. "I wish I could remember."

"I could show you," he offered, almost shyly.

Sam merely nodded, afraid to voice her consent. Jack leaned closer, narrating how it took place.

"I slid my hand behind your neck like this, pulling you near me." Sam could feel his breath on her lips, as her eyes drifted shut. Seconds later she felt the touch of his lips, soft and gentle, and she felt her mouth opening for more. Jack didn't need any further encouragement as his tongue slipped inside her mouth, deepening the kiss.

*God!* Sam thought *How could I ever have forgotten this?*

Slowly, Jack pulled away, giving her lips one last quick peck. "And then you went inside," he sighed.

"I must have been mad to let you leave," she said.

"Well, that's what I thought, but hey. . . ."

Sam playfully slapped his arm, then sobered. "Jack? I know this feels like ancient history to you, but to me it feels like the first time. Think you can give me a little time to catch up?"

"Sweetie, I can give you all the time you need," he said, giving her shoulders a hug.

"Sweetie? I let you call me Sweetie?"

"Well, you don't *let* me, but you said if I didn't do it in public, you'd live with it."

"I can't believe I'd even agree to that," she groused.

"I can be pretty persuasive when I want to be."

"I kind of noticed that." Sam was silent for a moment as her mind continued to whirl with questions. "How'd my dad take all this?"

"He wasn't crazy about you living with me, but the whole relationship thing? It didn't surprise him much."

"How long have we been living together?"

"A little over a year. We were planning to get married at the end of this year, but the baby pushed things up." Sam grew quiet once more, looking out at the water.

"Sam? Does the idea of the baby really bother you?"

Turning back to him, she smiled. "No, not really, I guess. Just a bit of a shock. I'm sure in time I'll get used to it. Guess I don't have much choice, do I?"

"Believe me, Sam, we both wanted this baby. We discussed birth control but neither of us wanted to wait. We figured if it happened, it happened. We knew we were going to get married, it was just a matter of when."

"So why didn't we? Get married right away, I mean."

"You were still kind of dragging your feet. It wasn't that we didn't love each other, it was more you were still clinging to that last shred of independence. I guess I can't blame you, I know it wasn't easy being with me those first months."

"Why is that?"

"Oh, you know me. Speaking of clinging, I was trying to find some way to still make a contribution to the SGC. Hammond made some concessions, even created a position for me, more or less, but not being an active member of a team was tearing me apart. We decided it was in everyone's best interest if I just retired."

"So you don't work there anymore?" Somehow the thought of the SGC without Jack was inconceivable.

"They call me in as a consultant from time to time, but I'm not there on any kind of a regular basis."

"I would think I would have missed you there."

"Nah, you like me being a housefrau better." Sam couldn't suppress her grin at the image of Jack in an apron with a duster in one hand and a beer in the other. "Plus, this way we don't have to look for day-care when this little guy is born." Jack reached over to touch Sam's stomach, causing her to jump at the contact.

"I'm sorry," Sam apologized. "It just surprises me so when you touch me like that, out of the blue."

"Hey, I'm the one who's sorry," Jack said, snatching his hand away as if he'd been burned. "I keep forgetting. It's hard for me, too, ya know? I see my wife sitting next to me and I want to touch you, and at the same time you're not her."

Sam felt her heart breaking. She didn't mean to be insensitive to him, but she was dealing with so many emotions herself, she didn't have room for his.

"Maybe we should go in," Jack suggested.

"I think that's a good idea."

"Mind giving me a hand up?" Sam extended her hand, surprised at the warmth of his fingers. Even in the cool air his hands were warm. Struggling to his feet, Sam realized again this wasn't the same man she thought she knew. The Jack O'Neill she remembered would never have asked for help, or even accepted it if she'd offered. He'd mellowed, she realized, and she found she enjoyed a more easy-going Jack.

Once on his feet, their hands remained clasped, more from his refusal to let go than anything. "I called Janet again," he confessed. "When you went running off, I wasn't sure what to do. She's the one who suggested I let you have some space."

"Good advice," she agreed.

"She also thinks we should come home. She wants to have a look at you, see if there's anything she can do."

Sam turned her head, looking up into his eyes. "It's probably a good idea."

"Yeah, I know," he sighed. "This hasn't been exactly how I pictured our honeymoon."

Sam simply nodded. It wasn't exactly how she'd imagined it either.

~6~

Jack O'Neill paced the confines of General Hammond's office, hands clenching and unclenching as he strode in front of his commander's desk.

"General, I don't see how you can call off the search! It's only been two weeks!"

Hammond rubbed his hands over tired eyes. "Colonel, Jack, I know you think I'm giving up but. . ."

"Calling off the search sounds like giving up to me!"

"You know yourself we can't continue to expend the resources of this command for *one* missing team member, no matter how vital they are to this operation."

Jack's shoulders sagged. Of course he knew *technically* one person's life would be forfeit in the greater scheme of things, but this was Sam they were talking about! Finally taking a seat in the chair Hammond kept offering him, Jack buried his fingers in his hair as his elbows came to rest on his knees.

"I can't just let it go, sir." Looking up at the general, Jack met his gaze. "You know this is my fault and I won't rest until we find her."

Hammond gave him a sympathetic look. "Son, you can't blame yourself for this. I've been there. I know it's not easy to accept, but you made the right call."

"Even if that call caused me to leave a member of my team behind?" Jack was on his feet again. "It's the only cardinal rule I have: no one gets left behind, and I abandoned her!"

"Jack, she was separated from you. You were under heavy attack. If you'd tried to rescue her with just the rest of SG-1 it would have been suicide! Under the circumstances, coming back for reinforcements was the right thing to do. You shouldn't blame yourself!"

"Oh, yeah, that thought helps me sleep at night," Jack fired back at him, momentarily forgetting he was speaking to a superior officer. In actuality, it was the stuff of his nightmares. From the moment he closed his eyes, all he could see was her head popping up from behind a rock and the zat blast sending her to the ground. The Jaffa had redoubled their efforts at that point, effectively keeping any of them from recovering her.

He remembered calling for Daniel to dial the 'gate and arguing with him this was the only way to save her. Unfortunately, he couldn't convince himself it had been the right thing to do--it was just what his training told him was right.

They'd returned as quickly as possible to P2X-993 with SG teams 3 and 5, but by the time they'd re-organized and arrived on the planet, Sam was gone. Along with any trace of the Jaffa they'd just been fighting. The only evidence of the skirmish was the scorch marks of staff weapons and chunks of exploded rock scattered near the 'gate and DHD. The worst of it was, they had no idea who'd taken her or where they'd gone, as there was no place on the planet for them to have retreated. There had to have been a ship in orbit. At least at some point. Still, it was hard to believe all their assailants could have been ringed up so quickly.

It was only in the past few days Daniel had begun to speak to him again, still blaming him for Sam's capture. Not that he needed any help in the guilt department. At least Teal'c and Hammond seemed to understand his actions. Too bad he couldn't.

He'd handled the situation as protocol demanded, but that knowledge gave him no comfort. Sam was missing and he let her be taken. Constantly on guard he'd act inappropriately where she was concerned, Jack was worried he'd gone overboard in the opposite direction. Could he have gotten to her? Or did he choose to play it by-the-book so he couldn't be accused of taking unnecessary risks for her? Ever since that damn za'tarc episode, he'd been second guessing his motives, on guard against playing favorites. Now, he was left with even more questions, starting with how he was going to find her.

"Any word from the Tok'ra?" he asked, turning back to the general.

"Not as of a few moments ago."

"Figures," Jack mumbled.

They were actually their only real hope of finding Sam. Even as he badgered Hammond about calling off the search, Jack knew sending teams out to planets in the neighborhood where she'd been abducted was futile. They could be anywhere. Hell, he didn't even have a clue as to which Goa'uld the Jaffa belonged to. He'd been a little more concerned about staying alive than noticing tattoos and armor. Teal'c had mentioned they were *Shal'rak*--mercenaries whose allegiance was guaranteed only as long as their wages were being met. As such, they could be fighting for anyone.

"Colonel, I'm sure as soon as Jacob can be spared, he'll be here. Just because he's a Tok'ra doesn't mean he's forgotten his daughter or ties to Earth."

It was times like this Jack actually missed Martouf. One word of Sam being in danger and he would have been knocking on the iris, offering to do anything to help. "I know, sir. It's just so damn frustrating not doing anything, waiting for the Tok'ra to get off their snaky little butts!"

"I'm sure there's a legitimate reason that. . ."

"Oh, come on, General! You know the Tok'ra help us only when it benefits them! Well, Sa . . .Carter's going to be almost as big a loss to them as she is to us!"

"I know what Major Carter means to you," he said, giving Jack a look that said he really *did* understand what she meant to him, causing Jack to become defensive.

"She's a valuable member of my team and this facility," he stated strongly, grateful Hammond let the subject drop. "Sir, I know you can't officially keep up the search, but let Daniel, Teal'c and I keep looking. There's got to be some clue on the planet, some. . ."

"Jack," he sighed, "we've been over this. I can't take SG-1 out of the rotation over one missing person. There comes a point where we have to accept the fact we've done all we can. Now, I won't deny your team the chance to work with the Tok'ra, providing they get in touch with us, but as of now, I have to list Major Carter as M.I.A. Case closed."

Jack's back straightened, his lips pressed into a thin line. "Yes, sir."

Hammond's features softened as he looked at the man before him. "Colonel, for what it's worth, I am truly sorry."

Jack merely nodded as he exited his CO's office. Striding down the hall way, Jack didn't know what was worse, the feeling of helplessness or anger. The thought he'd never see Sam again was inconceivable to him. She was alive somewhere. If she wasn't, he was sure he'd know. He'd feel it.

~7~

Sam sat on a bed in the infirmary as Janet flashed a penlight into her eyes. The medical bay wasn't cold, but she was shivering anyway. Why was she so nervous? Jack was with her, holding her hand, lending his silent support as Janet continued with her exam.

Perhaps Jack was part of the problem. Janet seemed unconcerned at the sight of them together, but Sam still felt self-conscious with her CO grasping her hand. No matter how many times he told her they weren't in a chain of command, it still felt that way for her. And being within the walls of the SGC only emphasized that feeling.

Janet gave Sam a quick smile, then looked to Jack. "I think it might be better if we conducted the rest of the exam alone." Sam turned to Jack, giving him a slight nod, grateful Janet picked up on her need for privacy.

Once Jack was out of ear shot, Janet asked, "so, how are you doing, really? I know you're putting on this brave front for Jack, but you know you don't have to do that with me, right?"

Janet's kind words released a flood of emotions Sam hadn't realized she'd been holding back.

"Oh, Janet! It's been so hard! I'm so confused! Jack's telling me how we've been involved for the past two years, that we're expecting a baby, and I just don't remember any of it! And I really want to! Not only for my own peace of mind but for his as well. He's so worried about me. I hate to be the one who's causing him to be upset."

"Well, that's one thing that hasn't changed," Janet commented wryly. "Both of you are always more concerned about how the other one is coping rather than concentrating on your own feelings." Janet pulled a curtain around the examination table, handing her a gown. "Now, I don't want to hear how hard this is for Jack. I know that part. I want to know what *you're* thinking."

"Honestly? It feels like a dream. It's almost *too* perfect, you know what I mean?"

"I have to admit the two of you remind me of those happy couples in commercials trying to sell breakfast cereal, but I don't know that everything is perfect. Jack, after all, is still Jack, and that can't be easy to live with," Janet smirked.

"He's certainly been supportive of me," Sam said, picking at the paper gown next to her. "I can understand the chain of events on how we got to this point. They seem logical, but almost too logical."

"I'm not sure I'm following you."

Sam sighed, spelling out what she thought should be obvious. "Jack and I have been attracted to each other for some time, and because of our rank and positions, we can't explore a deeper relationship. Then the injury to Jack's knee takes the Air Force out of the equation. It doesn't incapacitate him, it's just enough to remove one of our biggest hurdles. So, we start seeing each other, taking things slow, like *I* would like to have seen our relationship develop."

Janet shifted her stance, crossing her arms across her chest. "So far I don't see a problem."

"But that *is* the problem!" Sam emphasized. "It's exactly how I *would* have imagined it. Jack can be understanding when he wants to, but patience isn't his strong suit. I don't think he'd have been so accommodating. Don't get me wrong, I know he wouldn't force himself on me, but being *so* understanding is out of character for him, don't you think?"

"Sam, the man is crazy about you. He'd walk over burning coals if you asked him. If you gave him the impression you wanted things to move at a snail's pace, he'd do it, just because he loves you that much."

Sam started unbuttoning her blue issued shirt. "I guess you're right. I suppose what he's telling me could be how things happened with us."

"Is there something else that doesn't seem right?"

"Just me moving in with him, I guess, not planning this baby."

"It wasn't totally unexpected, Sam. We discussed birth control, but you said you didn't want to wait, that if it happened, it happened. And as for moving in, you said the only thing left in your house were a few video tapes and a chunk of moldy cheese, so it seemed silly to continue to pay the mortgage."

Sam smiled at Janet's description of her house. She had no trouble visualizing the scene. And when she and Jack had returned from Hawaii, it looked as though her things had been incorporated with his for a while. Not like she'd moved her belongings near the time of the wedding.

"And you didn't find it odd I was so unconcerned about getting pregnant? Janet, you know me--I calculate things to the nth degree, work out all the possible variables. You really think I could be so laid back about something as important and life-altering as a baby?"

Janet shrugged. "All I know is you were on this incredible high, getting married to Jack, discussing the possibility of a family. I didn't think to question it. Of course, once you found out you were pregnant, you were over the moon. I've never seen anyone so happy. I have to admit, I was a little jealous." Janet's voice faded away with her confession, and she was having trouble looking Sam in the eye.

"Janet, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rub this in or anything I'm just saying. . ."

Clearing her throat, Janet looked up, professional mask in place once more. "You didn't. Now, how about we get a better look at you and see if we can't explain why suddenly you've had this memory lapse."

Sam let the subject drop, unsure how she would have continued the conversation with her friend, now that she was aware of how Janet felt.

"I'm going to give you a full physical and then an ultra sound. It's about time we saw what that baby of yours is up to."

Sam gave Janet a weak smile. Was it only yesterday she'd learned she was pregnant? Now she had to deal with all the changes it was going to make in her life. As if she didn't have enough to contend with! If only she could pin-point what event caused her to forget the last two years. She couldn't imagine Jack keeping anything from her. He'd been almost as shocked and dismayed as she'd been at the sudden loss of time. She wanted to believe him. She really did, but there was just something off about the whole situation.

~8~

Psyche ran a frustrated hand through her long hair as she bent over the control device attached to Samantha's head. Why was she fighting this so? Questioning everything? Psyche was giving the woman her heart's desire, and all she did was challenge the reality of what she was experiencing.

Adjusting the parameters of the implant, Psyche shook her head and mumbled. "Who wouldn't give anything to be with the one they love? Especially when that love has been denied? I'm not going to ask you for much, Samantha, only a few harmless questions, and then you and Jack can be together forever. Trust him, Samantha. He loves you and only wants you to be happy."

". . .happy. . ." Sam muttered as the display screen started to come to life once more. Psyche looked away from the screen as she felt another presence in the room. She never heard Eros when he joined her. He was suddenly there, as he was now, gazing at her with undisguised longing.

"It's late," he said. "You should join me in our bed."

Psyche returned his look with equal desire. "I wish I could, my love, but Samantha will not give up her secrets, and I want her information so I may please you."

Eros stepped closer, pulling her willing body into his arms. "You know you please me," he whispered against her ear. "Leave the woman with the device. Perhaps she shall find love as we have."

Psyche felt a shiver travel down her spine as she drew him closer. "You should not tempt me so."

"No more than you do me," he answered, placing his lips on the juncture of her shoulder and neck. Psyche moaned at the sensation. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to leave Samantha to her new life for a few hours. . . .

~9~

Jack held the door with his foot for Sam as she struggled with two handfuls of plastic grocery bags. He, too, was loaded down with bags, and neither could help laughing at the sight they made, juggling keys, doors and food.

Sam raced into the kitchen depositing her burden on one of the counters before she lost her grip on them.

"You really shouldn't be carrying so much," Jack chided, plopping his own armload next to hers.

"They weren't that heavy," Sam said, pushing stray hair from her face. "Besides, you know Janet said everything was fine as long as I don't over do it." Jack simply stared back at her, raising his eyebrows. "They weren't heavy," she repeated, "just a little awkward. Isn't there some hockey game or something you could be watching?"

"That's okay, I'll help you put these away," he offered. Sam stopped mid-way between opening the cupboard door to face him.

"Jack, I know you're trying to help, but it's easier if I do this myself. It'll help me get acclimated to your--our--kitchen once more."

"So, I'll let you snoop. I'll just hand you the stuff when you find out where it goes." Sam shook her head at Jack's insistence, wondering why he was being so helpful. She had to admit she'd never pegged him for the clingy type, but he'd hardly left her alone since they'd returned from Hawaii. Had Janet advised him to keep an eye on her? Or was he simply afraid she'd have a revelation and he'd miss it? She was starting to find it a bit annoying that every time she turned around, he was there, reminding her of a lost puppy. Surely he hadn't been this attentive before her memory lapse?

Placing her hands on her hips, Sam tried to sound reassuring rather than exasperated. "Jack, really, I've got this covered. If you truly want to help, you'll give me a few minutes to myself."

Jack's crestfallen features were almost enough to make her reconsider his suggestion of help, but she needed a few minutes to get used to all this. Never would she have imagined it would be so difficult to accept she was in a relationship with him. Especially after all the times she'd wondered about it. It was one thing to day-dream about being involved with him and quite another to actually be living it. Given time, she was sure she'd adjust, but she *did* need that time.

"Sure," he said at length. "If you need any help. . ."

"I'll call you," she finished for him. Sam watched Jack leave the kitchen, hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans, shoulders slumped. The funny part was, she hated putting groceries away, and here she was, pushing off his assistance just so she could be alone. aaa,p. She had to smile to herself as she began unpacking the bags. The cupboards were organized in the same manner she'd had them at her house. Apparently one of her "improvements" to Jack's house had been organizing his cupboards. She remembered from their poker nights, Jack used to keep his munchies next to the sink, where now there was stacks of plates.

The whole thing still felt off to her for some reason. Even though there was evidence all around her she'd melded her life with his, it just didn't seem right. The thing she couldn't understand was why she was fighting it. Why was she trying so hard to find proof she wasn't involved with him? They were breaking no rules. Everyone she encountered from Hammond on down seemed to approve of their being together. Why not accept this as the gift it was?

Sam was leaning down into the refrigerator, stacking beer bottles, when suddenly Jack's arm snaked around her, reaching for a cold beer from the top of her pyramid. She jumped at the contact. Whether it was from his sudden appearance, or the feel of his arm brushing against hers, Sam wasn't sure. Standing, Sam looked into Jack's eyes. Their gazes locked and Sam felt her knees growing weak from the heat she saw radiating from the brown depths.

Jack swallowed, but didn't move away. "I'm sorry if I scared you."

"You didn't," she answered, finally turning her head, breaking the spell that had settled over them. Ducking under Jack's arm, Sam returned to the counter, picking up empty bags, bunching them into a ball before she saved them for recycling.

"Find everything okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, no problem. Just like home," she said, her back still to him. "Find a game?"

"Basketball playoffs," he commented. Sam heard the sound of the cap being removed from his beer and saw the lid land in the sink. For some reason, Sam snapped. Whipping around, she shouted,

"Why do you do that? Do you have *any* idea how annoying that is? The garbage can is *right* there, Jack! Why do you always have to toss your caps into the sink instead of the trash?"

Jack took a step back at her outburst. "I never knew it bothered you so much."

"Bullshit! You've always known I hate it!"

"Is this some pregnancy hormone thing I should know about?"

Sam was livid. He was such a. . .a guy! Taking a deep breath she tried to control her voice. "No, Jack, this is not some pregnancy thing. From the time I've come over here to play poker with you guys I've hated this! Surely I've said something before now!"

Jack simply stood there, blinking. "You never mentioned it. Are you sure you're okay? Did you remember something?"

Sam fished the cap out of the sink, making a show of throwing it into the garbage can. "Only what a slob you can be!" Her head was pounding with a headache that had instantly appeared. Rubbing her temples she looked up at him. "I've got a headache. I'm going to lay down." Without a backward glance, Sam exited the kitchen, heading for the stairs and the guest bedroom.

When they'd returned from Hawaii, Jack hadn't even asked her about the sleeping arrangements, assuming she'd more comfortable in a room by herself. Actually she was, but on some level she was disappointed he put her in the spare bedroom. Now she was grateful for the privacy.

What the hell was going on with her, anyway? Why'd she go off on Jack like that? Just because she was uncomfortable with his earlier closeness? Because if she would have stayed near him any longer she might have moved even closer? The bottle cap was just an excuse to start a fight, because a fight was easier to handle than the other emotions he was evoking in her. It was so uncharacteristic, no wonder he thought it was pregnancy related!

Sam buried her face in her hands. Okay, so she was attracted to him, that was nothing new. But she was married to him now. Shouldn't that be making things easier instead of more difficult? Acknowledging the attraction confirmed she believed everything that had happened in the past two days, and there was so much she didn't buy. She just didn't understand everyone's motives if this *was* a ruse. What was the point of making her believe she was married to Jack?

Just then there was a soft knock at the door. "Sam? You all right?"

Sam wiped the moisture from her face. "Yeah."

"Can I come in?"

Staring at the door, Sam wondered if she should tell him to go away; that she needed more time, but he was probably even more confused than her.

"Sure."

Slowly, the door swung open and Jack stuck his head in the room, expectant look on his face.

"I'm not going to bite your head off again, if that's what you're worried about," Sam joked.

"I'm just concerned about you," he said, stepping into the room, but not coming too close.

"I know, and I'm sorry." She patted the bed next to her and Jack took a seat. "It's just that this is hard for me to accept. It's so different from where I was, or remember being."

Jack nodded. "I know if the situation was reversed, I'd be having trouble accepting it, too."

"No matter how attracted we are to each other," she added shyly.

"Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Attracted to me."

A smile blossomed over Sam's face. "I married you, didn't I?"

"Well, ya, but you said you don't feel married to me. So, where do we stand now?"

Sam knew she shouldn't feel embarrassed over what she felt for him. After all, she was going to have his baby, but still, it was hard for her to tell him how much she cared for him. From the way he was looking at her, she had nothing to fear--the feeling was mutual. Still, it felt like a first-time admission.

"I, uh, care about you a lot, Jack." Forcing her eyes upward, she met his gaze. "I've almost always been attracted to you."

Jack's face nearly split from the goofy grin he gave her. "Guess I haven't lost my charm!"

"Never."

Jack reached out a hand, gently caressing her face. "Sam? Can I kiss you?"

She was shocked. Not so much that he wanted to kiss her, but that he asked. He wasn't pushing her. This was her decision, and despite all the anxiety she felt, she realized she very much wanted him to kiss her.

"Yes," she breathed, moving closer to him. Jack shifted his position so he could wind his arm around her. They were both so nervous, they gave each other awkward smiles as they closed the distance between them.

At first it was a mere touching of lips, soft and gentle, but as Sam felt Jack's arms tighten around her, she found herself opening her mouth, deepening their contact. She kept waiting for alarms to go off, for her conscience to berate her for kissing her CO, but the admonishment never came. For once it felt totally right to be where previously she'd only dreamed of being--wrapped in his arms.

The kiss seemed to go on forever, and yet it was over much too quickly. Sam was surprised to find it was Jack who was pulling back, giving her a chance to breathe. Drawing her head to his shoulder, he simply held her, rubbing his hands over her back.

"I think it's going to be nice to get to know you again, Mrs. O'Neill."

~10~

Jack had tried to get the rest Fraiser practically ordered him take, but every time he closed his eyes, all he saw, over and over, was Sam being shot, and hearing his voice calling to Daniel to dial the 'gate. Why the hell hadn't he stayed on the planet? Teal'c and Daniel could have gone for reinforcements. At least then he wouldn't have left her behind. Or at the very least he'd have some clue of where to look for her. Perhaps they would have captured him as well, but it would have been better than leaving her behind. No matter how many times Hammond told him he'd followed procedure, done what was right, there was no convincing him he *had* done the right thing.

Attraction was a terrible thing, he decided. If he hadn't been trying so hard to act impartial where Sam was concerned, he would have done what *he* thought was right and not some damn rule book.

No one gets left behind. How often did he drill that into his team? He knew none of them would have left him, and yet he'd abandoned Sam. For once he had an inkling of what Frank Cromwell must have went through when he'd discovered Jack hadn't died in Iraq. *When* they found her, would Sam feel the same way toward him as he had felt about Cromwell? He couldn't blame her. He was sure she hadn't been taken on a vacation. With every atrocity committed to her, he was sure she was cursing his name.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he tried to block the images of Sam being tortured. Naturally, the first thing Hammond had done was change the codes to the iris. Sam would know this. Hopefully she wasn't trying to be brave and not reveal obsolete codes. She could tell her captors anything and they wouldn't know any more than they had before.

Jack hadn't left the base since they'd returned from P2X-993. There was no way he could leave when the Tok'ra might be in contact at any moment. Yeah, right. If that moment happened to fit their schedule. He couldn't believe they hadn't heard *something* from Jacob, but maybe he hadn't been informed. It would be just like those supposedly benign snake heads to deny Jacob information about his daughter.

Rolling over to his right side from his left, Jack punched his pillow, trying to get comfortable. It wasn't that he didn't want to sleep. Hell, he'd give anything for a full night's rest, short of some of Doc Fraiser's "little helpers," but he didn't deserve to rest. Not when Sam was probably denied the same luxury.

Maybe he should go talk to Daniel. Although they were now on speaking terms, they really hadn't talked about what had happened on the mission. It was late, but chances were pretty good he was still in his lab. Giving up on any pretense of sleep, Jack pulled on his boots, loosely tying the laces. Hopefully Daniel was in a receptive mood.

***

Jack's knuckles rapped on the door frame of Daniel's lab, causing the man to look up.

"Hey," Daniel said.

"Hey. Whatcha doin'?"

"Working."

"Ah."

"You?"

"Can't sleep."

"Ah," Daniel replied. "Anything in particular you wanted?"

"Just more of this stimulating conversation," Jack said, helping himself to a stool without an invitation.

"Have a seat," Daniel quipped, rising from his own. "You want some coffee?"

"Nah," Jack said, rubbing his hands over the scratchy surface of his face. "I don't need any help staying awake."

Daniel filled his mug, obviously waiting for Jack to tell him what brought him down to his lab.

"I can't stop thinking about Carter," he finally said.

"I figured," Daniel said, retaking his seat.

"You think I did the wrong thing."

"Well, Jack, I found it a case of do as I say, not as I do."

"You think I wanted to leave her there?" Jack asked, his voice gaining volume.

"You did have a choice," Daniel said, taking a drink from his mug, grimacing as he drank the dregs of the pot.

"No, Daniel, I didn't. If we would have stayed, we all would have been captured or dead."

"If you're so convinced you did the right thing, how come you can't sleep? How come you're here? You don't need my approval to run your unit." Daniel's words were harsh, but isn't that why he was here? For someone to call a spade a spade and stop telling him he'd done what was called for in the situation?

"I know," Jack said, barely above a whisper. "I shouldn't have left her. I should have sent you and Teal'c back and at least stayed on the planet with her."

Daniel sighed. "And you getting captured would have made things better? Look, Jack, I can't imagine what being put in that type of a situation must be like, and I don't want to know. I don't blame you for what happened if that's what you're thinking."

"You don't?"

Daniel removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Maybe at first, I did, but I don't any longer."

Jack started to fiddle with a small statue on Daniel's desk. "What changed your mind?"

"I guess I finally realized you didn't have much of a choice in the matter. That ordering us back was probably one of the hardest things you'd ever had to do."

"You have no idea," Jack mumbled to himself, but Daniel heard him.

"Yeah, I do. I know how I felt when I had to let Sha're go with Apophis because the odds were too overwhelming to save her."

Jack's head shot up, wondering if Daniel was implying the situations were similar because of his feelings for Sam.

"We all care about her," Daniel said diplomatically, not putting a point on what Jack felt for Sam. "It's hard on all of us."

"Hammond said if the damn Tok'ra ever contact us, he'll let us go with them. Until then, we're back on the schedule."

"Well, that's one thing, I suppose," Daniel said, replacing his glasses. "I still can't believe he's called off the search."

"You know, I've seriously thought about ditching our next mission and going to look for Carter ourselves."

Daniel perked up at the thought. "But. . . ."

"But I haven't got a clue where to start looking. Teal'c seems pretty sure she was taken aboard a ship, and who knows where *that* could be by now."

"Another thing we need the Tok'ra for," Daniel agreed.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, their ships have some pretty sophisticated tracking equipment. My guess is if they use a Teltac they should be able to tell from the ion trail left by the ship where it went, even after this amount of time. That is, if there aren't a lot of ships in the area to confuse the scans."

Jack's eyes brightened. He should have thought of that, but with his guilt over Sam, he hadn't been thinking as clearly as he normally would have. If only there'd be some word from the Tok'ra!

~11~

Eros entered the chamber where the Tau'ri woman was being held, only to spot Psyche rummaging through her work station with an unusual amount of force. Normally, it took something extremely drastic to rile his lover. Of all the women he'd loved, she was the most level-headed. Something had obviously happened to place her in such a state.

"What is it, my love?" Eros spoke, startling her from her tantrum.

"She is the problem!" Psyche cried, leveling a finger at the prone woman on the table. "She is proving to be most resistant to the memories I've implanted within her."

"Is it the device?" Eros asked, slowly approaching Psyche, unsure if in her agitated state she might not take a swing at him.

Releasing her breath, Psyche replied, "no, everything seems to be in order. She simply refuses to believe what she sees! Even though she has had feelings for this 'Jack' for many years. I don't understand why she doesn't wish to be with him, when she obviously loves him!"

"There are many reasons to push away the affections of another. Fear being the greatest of these. Fear of losing oneself, fear of the love not lasting, fear that love is not returned."

"But Samantha knows Jack loves her, I believe she was aware of it even before I gave her the memories of their life together. This is why I don't understand why she hasn't embraced the existence I have given her."

"I believe I can help," Eros said, stepping closer. "Perhaps the Elixir?" Normally, he would have simply ordered Psyche to use the "love potion" he'd created, but she was not in mood to be told what to do.

When he spoke of fear of rejection, he realized he was thinking of his own situation with Psyche. She'd never withheld her affection for him as a prize to be won, but there was always that doubt. Eros refused to use his Elixir on her as a means of retaining her love. It was fine to play with the hearts of others, but he wanted to know Psyche's feelings for him were genuine.

Once a solution was offered, Psyche visible relaxed. "I had not thought of that, my love. Perhaps all Samantha needs is a push in the right direction. After all, if you could make Ammounet fall in love with Apophis, you can incite desire in anyone."

Eros puffed up with pride. "Yes, Ammounet was my finest hour," he agreed. "If Apophis had kept his end of the bargain, we wouldn't be here, wasting our time with this Tau'ri woman, trying to win her secrets."

"But my love, even if you have no wish to compete with the other System Lords for territory, a planet of your own would be infinitely better than living on this ship. With the knowledge we gain from Samantha, you shall have what you deserve."

"All I wish is what was promised to me--a world we can call home. I've told you before, I have no wish to enter into their petty squabbling. This woman is my assurance Apophis keeps his word to me this time."

"But why settle for just a planet when you could rule his empire?" Psyche said, running her hands up his arms and across his shoulders. "When we have the key to the Tau'ri's defenses, we shall no long need to appeal to Apophis, groveling at his feet. The others will join us and with the defeat of the Tau'ri. Then we shall rule over his territories. I will take great pleasure in exacting retribution for the indignities he has made you suffer."

"And I will take great pleasure in watching you," Eros smiled, pulling her to him. Perhaps it would be worth it to get involved in the System Lord's fight, if only to please his beloved Psyche.

***

Psyche administered the potion to Samantha's feed tube. According to Eros, the drug should take effect almost immediately, but she wasn't taking any chances. The Tau'ri woman would feel it would be necessary for some time to have passed in order to explain her increased desire for Jack. So, Psyche gave Samantha fleeting memories of time spent together, giving her a sense several weeks had gone by. Coupled with Eros' Elixir, she was confident she would have the codes very soon.

~12~

Jack stepped down from the ramp, removing his cap and running a hand through his hair. It had been an easy mission, but it might as well have been his worst expedition ever. Captain Harrison replaced Carter, making her absence even more keenly felt. He couldn't remember the number of times he turned, starting to say her name, only to catch sight of the youngish man that had taken her place. It didn't help that he had short blonde hair.

Daniel had been in full diplomatic mode, doing his best to help Harrison adjust to his new assignment, for which Jack was grateful. He was dealing with so many emotions he didn't have any compassion to spare for the man who'd no doubt heard rumors about what a demanding leader he could be. Especially when he was in a "mood."

Gregg Harrison seemed a little leery of Teal'c, but then almost everyone who encountered him up close and personal for the first time was a bit intimidated by him. So, Captain Harrison pretty much latched himself onto Daniel, which was fine with Jack.

General Hammond was waiting at the base of the ramp. "Welcome back, SG-1."

Jack looked up. "Thank you, sir."

"How'd everything go?"

"Piece of cake, General. The natives of P4S-589 are chompin' at the bit for a trade agreement. I recommend you send in the legal boys ASAP to finalize things."

Hammond nodded. "Agreed. Get check out, cleaned up and meet me for debriefing."

"Yes, sir."

"Oh, Colonel? One more thing. You might not want to dawdle. Jacob's here."

Jack's head snapped up, looking around the 'gate room. "Where is he?"

"You'll see him soon enough. Once we've put a period at the end of this mission, we'll talk about your next one."

"Yes, sir!" he replied again, this time a bit more enthusiastically. Tossing his P90 to the arms master, Jack took off at a near sprint, with Daniel and Teal'c hot on his heels. Looking behind him, he noticed the new captain wasn't among their ranks.

"Harrison! Move your ass!" Jack yelled as he slowed a bit. Shocked into action, Gregg followed his new team mates out of the 'gate room.

"Sir?" Harrison asked, practically jogging to keep up with O'Neill. "Why the rush?"

"I want this debrief over with," Jack said, picking up his pace once more. Realizing Jack had confused the newest member of SG-1, Daniel explained.

"Jacob Carter is Major Carter's father. He's also a Tok'ra. We're hoping with his help we'll be able to find Sam."

Harrison's eyes widened as he took in the information. "It's certainly been an interesting week," he commented, keeping pace with O'Neill. "I wasn't expecting such a hands on experience."

"Welcome to Oz," Jack said, pushing the door to the locker room open.

It was strange, but even the locker room held memories of Sam. The good-natured teasing his team engaged in as they vied for first dibs on the showers. Looking over his shoulder at Harrison, Jack shook his head. He wasn't a bad kid. Did quite well for his first time out, actually. But aside from the obvious physical differences, he was no Sam. God he couldn't wait to get this briefing over with so he could talk to Jacob! He couldn't believe Jacob had the patience to wait for them! Of course, Hammond had probably filled him in on all the pertinent data. Jack couldn't imagine how he felt knowing his only daughter was at the mercy of some Goa'uld, and Jack had let her be taken. Jacob was going to crucify him.

***

Just about the time Jack thought he was going to crawl out of his skin, Hammond wrapped up the debriefing.

"Well, done, SG-1. Now I know you're all anxious to talk to Jacob as he is with you, so. . . Airman? Will you call General Carter please?"

Jacob had to have been waiting right outside the door, for as soon as it was open, he entered the briefing room. Jack looked at the man, feeling a mixture of relief, joy and guilt all rolled into one. Jacob nodded to the men in the room, but settled his gaze on Jack.

"How could you let this happen?"

Immediately Jack became defensive. "I didn't 'let' this happen! I'm sure you've seen the report! God, Jacob do you honestly think I would have left Sam. . .left *anyone* on that planet if I'd had the choice? You've been in similar situations! Are you going to tell me you've never had to make a call like this?"

"I always went back for them," Jacob said, taking a seat across from Jack.

"And you don't think we did? Hell, I'd still be there looking if I wasn't sure she'd been taken off-world."

"How do you know she was taken from the planet?"

"There was evidence of transport rings for one thing, besides the fact in the amount of time it took to get reinforcements, they'd all disappeared. And what about the Tok'ra?" Jack asked getting to his feet, placing his palms on the table, leaning toward Jacob. "Where were they in all this? We sent message after message and there was *never* any response until today! Are you going to tell me some mission for the Tok'ra is more important than finding your daughter?"

Jacob was now on his feet, mirroring Jack's posture, leaning across the table. "I had a duty to perform that transcends personal ties!"

"Oh, so it's okay for *you* to look out for the greater good, but when the shoe is on my foot. . ."

"Gentlemen, please!" Hammond interrupted. "Nothing is going to be accomplished by the two of you being at each other's throats! Major Carter's capture has been a terrible loss for all concerned! We need to focus on how to get her back, not who's to blame!"

Jacob's head dipped then he looked up, eyes flashing. "General Hammond is right. There is no use in fighting amongst ourselves. Colonel," Selmac's eerie voice echoed, "do not take Jacob's words personally. He is very concerned about Samantha, and quite upset the Tok'ra deemed it necessary to keep the knowledge of her capture a secret from him until his mission was completed. He was very close to obtaining his objective when we received your first message. It was in everyone's best interest that he finished what he'd started."

Jack backed down slightly, retaking his seat, but not relaxing into it. Jacob's head dipped again as Selmac relinquished control.

"Jack, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take it out on you," he said quietly. "Do you have any idea who might have taken her?"

Jack shook his head. "Daniel seems to think it might be possible to trace the ship if we had access to a Teltac," he said pointedly.

"Do you have any idea how difficult it's going to be to pick up an ion trail after all this time?"

"Jacob," Jack said, staring him in the eye, "it's the only hope we have. If they're on a ship, it's likely they won't be stopping at any planets we could 'gate to. Even if we *did* know the co-ordinates."

Jacob nodded in understanding. "I'll speak to the council. I can't offer any guarantees, but I'll do my best. Besides, if they don't agree, I have my sources," he said with an enigmatic smile.

Jack turned to Gregg. "How 'bout you Harrison? You in? I know this isn't your fight since you just joined but you willing to give us a hand?"

The surprise was evident on the man's face as he accepted. "I'd be honored, Colonel."

"General?" Jack asked, turning to face his commanding officer.

"Providing Jacob gets a ship, you have a go. Until then I'd like you all to remember you still have obligations to this facility. I expect your reports from this mission on my desk by morning. Dismissed."

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