DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns the characters and concept of Voyager, but the rest belongs to me, August and Mary Wiecek. This was not a collaborative effort, but I have received permission to use their ideas. You may copy this for personal use, but please leave the author/e-mail/disclaimer intact. For use anywhere else, please ask permission!

NOTE: The story starts out with a scene "tossed into the pond" by August, offering it to whomever wished to finish it. I thought I'd try my hand at it and *Why?* is the result. Also on a borrowed note, I've used Mary Wiecek's "Angels Of The Silences" as the background for Janeway's current views. While it isn't necessary to read Mary's story first, I highly recommend it, for several reasons!

BE WARNED!! THIS IS NOT A HAPPY STORY! While I tend to go for the "reset" button in my stories, this work doesn't have one. I figured one sad story is allowed!

Copyright 1998 by NODA
noda@ballcom.com

*WHY?*

She was smaller than he thought she’d be. Tiny. Age had something to do with it, of course. But from her frame he could tell she was never a large person. A lesson, he guessed, in the perceptions of time. In his mind and youth KATHRYN JANEWAY loomed larger than life.

Sitting before her now in her San Francisco office she just looked . . .

“So. You’re Chakotay’s son.” She said in a voice traced with an emotion he couldn’t even begin to describe.

“Yes, sir.” he snapped, a little overwhelmed by the rank bar on her shoulder.

“At ease, Ensign.” She waved him away, fixing her gaze firmly upon him. “Your father never told you how much I hate that, huh?”

“Ah . . . no.” he didn’t know what to say. How to tell her that his father didn’t exactly regal them with stories of his Delta travels. Or the fact that Voyager was an unmentionable word, all the time he was growing up.

“No.” She repeated, holding his gaze. “I don’t suppose he did.”

He'd seen her holo, of course. He’d seen the old holo-vids of *Voyager’s* return and the homecoming parade. The Academy studied the Voyager mission -- they learned in intimate detail of the Kazon, the Viidians and all the other ‘Delta Horrors’. It was standard texts nowadays, and very strange getting to know his father through a class room.

He took his mother’s name for that reason. The name Chakotay, or any of the Command crew was -- is --gold, so he adopted Ensign Williams. He tried not to flaunt his background. These days, the only similarity he and his people had to his famous father was the spread of feathers, tattooed across his left eye.

It held her attention, he noticed, from the very beginning. She must have realized she was staring, because she proffered an explanation.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen that tattoo.”

“It’s a traditional marking. My father. . .”

“I know.” She interrupted, and she looked so sad, then, just so sad. He didn't know what to say. He had a speech all prepared, but being in her actual presence, the words left him.

"Do you have a first name, Ensign? My appointment reminder just listed an Ensign Williams wished to see me." She was appraising him with a frank stare that left him feeling a bit intimidated; no doubt she was searching his features for evidence of his parentage. He knew he bore a striking resemblance to his father; it had to be a shock to her after all these years.

"Kopec," he answered, stepping closer to clasp her wrinkled hand in his. It was frail with age, but her grip was still strong, her blue-gray eyes still burning with passion. "And thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Admiral." Janeway waved his appreciation away as if she visited with ensigns on a daily basis.

"Have a seat," she said, indicating a chair before her desk. "Can I get you something to drink?" she invited.

"Just a glass of water, please," he said, noting his throat had become unusually dry. Janeway smiled in understanding, ordering water for her guest and coffee for herself.

Handing him the glass, she smiled, "You can relax, Ensign. I'm not nearly as bad as the stories they tell about me." Kopec blanched. One of the worst things that could happen to a cadet was the threat of reporting to then-Vice-Admiral Janeway. Ever since she'd retired from active space duty it was reported that she'd changed, grown harder somehow. But she was still considered one of the fairest officers in the 'Fleet. You really had to screw up to merit a meeting with Janeway, but at least you could be assured she'd treat you fairly. In fact, when he'd told his shipmates of his impending meeting with the Admiral, he had more expressions of sympathy than he knew what to do with. It didn't matter to them that *he'd* been the one to request the meeting, they all assumed if he returned, he'd be stripped of his commission.

Kopec examined Janeway's desk as she settled into her chair. Besides the requisite computer terminal and stacks of PADDs, were several non-regulation photographs. A younger Janeway with two women, presumably shortly after Voyager's return, but mostly pictures of the Admiral with a man, both of them in various stages of aging. The man was dark, bearing a slight resemblance to his father, Kopec noticed.

Kathryn watched the young man across from her, noting the direction of his gaze. "My husband, Michael Benova. He's a professor at the Daystrom institute," she informed him.

"I didn't realize you were married, Ma'am." Kopec saw her flinch slightly at his form of address.

"Please, call me 'Admiral', Ensign. And yes, hard as it is to believe, someone would marry me." There was a bitterness to her voice, which she tried to cover by changing the subject. "What is it I can help you with?"

"I'm here on personal business, Admiral," Kopec started hesitantly, causing Janeway's eyebrows to rise out of curiosity. "My family asked that I come."

Janeway rose then, slower than in the past, but her need to move as she contemplated difficult thoughts hadn't diminished. Kopec's eyes followed her as she paced her office, hand poised before her mouth.

"It's been twenty-five years since I've heard from him," she muttered to herself.

"Admiral?"

Janeway stopped momentarily and looked at the young man before her. "I said, 'it's been twenty-five years since I've heard from him.' Why now? After all this time why does finally send me some word, but still not show up himself?"

"He couldn't come," Kopec answered, struggling with his next words, "because he's dying."

*********

Kathryn couldn't have been more shocked. This was nothing like what she imagined the meeting between her and Ensign Williams to be about. Normally if an ensign had a complaint, it would have been handled by the lower ranks. She wasn't certain what she expected, but it wasn't this. Not to have the first word she'd had of Chakotay in a quarter of a century be an announcement of his impending death. She thought she'd moved beyond all her old feelings of confusion and betrayal, but wavering before Chakotay's son, she wondered if she'd resolved anything she'd felt for his father. She knew he'd married, of course. Tom and B'Elanna had done a fair job of keeping her informed at the beginning. No doubt they would have continued to do so had she not asked them to stop. Chakotay had made it abundantly clear he wanted nothing to do with her or her new command--*Voyager-A*. If only he'd told her why. Why he refused a seat next to her on the new ship, why he refused to answer or even acknowledge the messages she'd sent.

B'Elanna had tried to find out, tried to bring up her name in conversation when she and Chakotay met on her leave. But he told B'Elanna flat out that if she was going to talk about *Voyager*, either the original or the "A," he wouldn't stay to listen. They hadn't met much after that.

Kathryn swayed slightly as all her past feelings came washing over her as if a dam had burst.

"Admiral?" Kopec questioned, rising in time to grasp her forearm and elbow to keep her from falling. Guiding her to his previously occupied chair, he handed her his untouched glass of water.

"Thank you," she managed to croak through her constricted throat. After a sip of water she found her voice. "Why is he dying? What's wrong?"

"Parchey's Syndrome," he said.

"Parchey's? But that's a. . ."

"A Delta Quadrant disease, I know," Kopec interrupted. "And my father has never gone back, even when the wormhole was stabilized. The only thing the doctors can figure out is that he contracted the disease when he was on *Voyager*; they feel he's an isolated case. Their theory is the disease remained dormant until something here, in the Alpha Quadrant, triggered it. But as of yet, they haven't been able to determine what."

"How long have you known?" she asked quietly.

"It's been about a year."

"A year, " Kathryn repeated. A year that he knew he was slowly dying and he still hadn't contacted her until now. "He has all the symptoms?" she asked. "Failing muscle control, headaches, joint pain?"

"And periods of dementia," Kopec added sadly. Kathryn couldn't fathom what it must be like for Chakotay's family to watch him deteriorate before their eyes. Or the loss of dignity Chakotay himself must feel at his failing health. He'd always been such a vigorous man, so physically active. She couldn't imagine how difficult it would be for him to become more feeble daily.

"My family, my mother actually, is asking you to come. He doesn't have much longer."

"Your mother? Why would she ask for me? You make it sound as if Chakotay wasn't the one making the request."

"Well," Kopec stalled again, his face darkening with embarrassment, "he didn't *directly* ask for you."

"I'm afraid you have me confused, Ensign," Kathryn said, wondering what it was he was finding so difficult to articulate.

"During his 'bad spells' he's been calling out your name," Kopec admitted. "He's been mistaking my mother for you."

Now it was Kathryn's turn to blush. "I see," she said, somehow managing to keep her composure.

"My mother asked me to come to you. She feels he hasn't got much longer and thought there should be some resolution between the two of you before he. . .dies," Kopec whispered.

Kathryn stood again, unable to meet Kopec's gaze, but he was avoiding looking at her as well. The tension in the room was nearly tangible as she crossed to her computer terminal.

"How soon can you be ready to leave, Ensign?"

"Me, si. . .ma'. . .Admiral?"

Kathryn leveled her eyes on him, in control once more. "I assumed you'd be wanting to take me yourself," she stated matter-of-factly.

"Well, yes, but I'm posted to the. . ."

"I'm fully aware you were part of the security team aboard the Armstrong." Kathryn keyed a few commands into her console. "Now you're a special envoy assigned to me." Kopec's mouth hung open in astonishment at how easily she'd changed his orders.

"One of the nice things about being at the top, Ensign. I get to pull whatever strings I want."

*********

Kopec arrived in Starfleet's main shuttlebay only minutes before Janeway. As she strode across the bay, he was again struck by her diminutive appearance; she was practically dwarfed by the bag she had slung over her shoulder. Kopec raced forward to relieve her of her burden, but she graciously refused his assistance.

"Thank you, Ensign. I can manage. Are you ready to go?"

"As soon as the co-pilot arrives," he said watching her enter the runabout.

"There won't be a co-pilot. I'll help with navigation," she informed him.

Again Kopec was taken aback. He'd heard Janeway was a "hands on" officer, but he didn't expect her to perform such mundane tasks.

She'd surprised him on many levels. Of course he knew her public persona; there wasn't a person who'd grown up since *Voyager's* return who didn't know Janeway's history. But she was humbler than he'd expected. More down-to-earth, and certainly more congenial than he'd been given to believe. But that didn't mean he was comfortable sharing the long flight to Dorvan V alone with this woman. Gods! What would they talk about?

Janeway took her seat on the left, sliding into the chair a little stiffly. "I can see they haven't made any advancements on the chairs," Janeway commented dryly.

"Um, the control panel has likely changed since the last time you've flown," Kopec said, leaning over to point out the latest changes. He was about to instruct her in the up-grades when she finished for him, pointing to each button on the console.

"Thruster control, navigation, sensors, weapons. I may not get into space often, Ensign, but I do manage to keep up on current specs." She gave him a self-satisfied grin, reminding him just who he'd been trying to instruct.

Taking his seat he asked, "may I ask you a personal question, Admiral?"

"That depends on what it is."

"How come you gave up your command? From everything I've ever read, you loved space." Kopec ventured.

"I did. . . I do. It's just that when Michael and I decided to get married, I thought it would be easier if I were at headquarters rather than gone for long periods of time. It sort of defeats the purpose of being married, doesn't it?" She said, looking squarely at him.

"I suppose so," he conceded. "Do you have any children?"

"You're rather inquisitive, aren't you, Ensign?"

"I'm sorry ma'. . .Admiral, I didn't mean to pry."

Janeway sighed. "You're not." she said, there was a sadness to her voice again, as if it were another opportunity missed.

Their take off was smooth; Janeway further impressing Kopec as he watched her hands on the console. They might be frail, but they moved with confidence. She exuded it. Despite her size, it was immediately obvious you didn't mess with Kathryn Janeway. In a way it was gratifying to know some of his perceptions of Janeway the Legend hadn't been wrong.

The thrill of escaping a planet's atmosphere never ceased to amaze him. Kopec noticed a similar emotion display on Janeway's face as the view suddenly turned black, with pinpoints of light. Perhaps it was just the feeling of sharing something wondrous together, but for the first time since he met Admiral Janeway, he felt himself relaxing.

Janeway stood, patting Kopec on the shoulder. "Well, Ensign, I think you have this under control. I'm going to try to catch up on some reports. No sense wasting the entire day!" He couldn't tell if she were serious or not. Did she see this trip as a waste of time? She seemed eager enough back in her office, but maybe now she was beginning to feel apprehensive. After all, it couldn't be easy heading to a reunion with someone you hadn't spoken to in twenty-five years, and someone dying at that.

He tried to close his mind off from that thought. Kopec knew his father was dying, but he didn't like to think of it, as if the denial would keep him alive somehow. He'd be the man of the house when his father was gone, and more often than not, he was posted far from Dorvan. Would he end up giving up his career as his father had done, when Chakotay'd left Starfleet to pursue Kolopak's dream?

Kopec watched as Janeway made her way to the aft of the runabout, taking a more comfortable seat. On the surface she seemed focused, turning off her feelings about this journey as if she were on some routine transport. For a moment Kopec felt a surge of anger. He'd just told her his father was dying, someone who used to be extremely important to her was on his death bed; she was treating this flight as if she were on her way to a conference! Shouldn't she at least be distracted? Asking him more questions about his father's condition? Initially she'd been stunned at the news. Had she gotten over the shock that quickly?

*********

Kathryn sat staring at the PADD in her hands, the words blurring. She wasn't crying, exactly, but she as having a hell of a time focusing. She tried to do something normal, something routine and automatic like reading reports. Maybe then she could stop thinking about where she was going and why.

Her mind couldn't help but drift back to the last day she and Chakotay had spoken. She'd just been given command of the newly commissioned *Voyager-A* with whomever of her original crew were willing to accompany her. She'd pulled strings for this, called in every favor, used her considerable clout as a Federation hero to get that ship. And her crowning achievement was to get Chakotay assigned, once again, as her First Officer.

Things were different now. Their missions would be weeks rather than years; she was finally ready to throw away her rule book to have the relationship she'd denied herself--and him--in the past.

Kathryn remembered the joy, the sheer exuberance she felt as she headed to meet with Chakotay to tell him of their good fortune. She imagined several scenarios of how he'd react to the news. The way he'd sweep her into his arms, kiss her, tell her he couldn't believe this day had finally come. And she would assure him it had. They'd talk of a real relationship, not one bordered by protocol and parameters. Of how it had been a difficult seven years, but now the wait was over. She thought he'd jump at the chance to serve at her side once more; instead, he was jumping ship.

Chakotay's actual reaction was the last thing she could have ever envisioned. His cool acceptance of her words, the almost glazed look in his eyes as he said he'd have to think about it. Kathryn had stood before him, speechless, unable to comprehend his behavior. She remembered swallowing, trying desperately to find her voice, finally managing to croak out an, "I see." He'd stood ram-rod strait, putting Seven's posture to shame, he was so uncomfortable. He hadn't been this uneasy in her presence since he'd beamed over to her ship when they'd first met in the Delta Quadrant.

She'd asked him what was wrong; something obviously was, but he wasn't being very forthcoming with the answer.

"I told you I would think about it, Captain. May I go now?" Those words were forever burned in her memory; the last they'd spoken face to face. Even his message turning down her offer had been audio only, sent to her office at a time he was assured she wouldn't be there. More words she couldn't forget. "Captain Janeway," he stated formally. "I regret to inform you I'm unable to accept the position of First Officer on *Voyager-A* you graciously offered me. Please accept my apologies." That had been it. No explanation, no mention of a different position, whether he was staying in Starfleet. Nothing. And the stiff formality he'd *never* used with her, even when they were still adversaries. She was tempted to check if he'd been taken over by some kind of alien force.

Kathryn had been devastated by the news, the crew too seemed in shock at the loss of their first officer. Tuvok had sat next to her on the new bridge, even though it was a different ship, it was obvious the crew was aware of the missing element. Some of the spirit, the life, had gone out of her original crew; she wasn't surprised when many elected not to sign on for a second hitch. She herself was tempted to resign, but she wouldn't give Chakotay that satisfaction. Not that he was even aware of what turns her career had taken. It wouldn't have been difficult for him to find out, however, since her name and image had constantly been in the media.

It wasn't until she met Michael that she stopped thinking about Chakotay every day, vacillating between extreme anger and extreme sadness. If only she'd had a reason, no matter what it was, why he'd acted the way he had, she could have gotten on with her life. As it was, he'd tied her to him in a way that was almost as strong as if he'd made a commitment to her. Only this tie was destructive; nothing good could ever come of it.

Michael had caught her eye initially because of his physical resemblance to Chakotay, but as she grew to know him, she realized the only feature they had in common was their dark coloring. Somehow, Michael'd managed to get her to fall in love with him. And it was no small feat. Kathryn had met him at a time in her life when she absolutely did *not* want to get involved with another man who'd leave her. She was hurt, bitter and angry, but somehow Michael accomplished the impossible and got her to love him. If for no other reason, it was enough for her to accept, when he proposed marriage.

They were happy. Not blissfully, wildly in love, but they had a comfortable relationship. In many ways Michael reminded her more of Mark than Chakotay, which she thanked God for. In fact, they'd even become friends with Mark and his wife, Eris. It was strange how life brought you full-circle.

And now it was bringing her full-circle again. This was not how she would have chosen seeing Chakotay again. She wasn't even sure she *did* want to see him again. It was only the fact that she still craved answers from him, coupled with her respect for the dying, she'd agreed to come. Even though she dreaded the thought of dredging up the past, Kathryn needed to know what to expect when she finally saw Chakotay again. Setting down her PADDs, Kathryn rejoined Kopec at the front of the runabout.

*********

Kopec was surprised to see the Admiral retaking her seat again.

"We need to talk, Ensign," Janeway said as she turned her chair to face him. Kopec simply nodded, waiting for her to continue. Apparently she was waiting for him to say something.

"What would you like to know?" he finally asked, knowing it was probably answers about his family she was after.

"What's he like?"

"Well, he's dying," he said, shocked that she asked such an obvious question. A tiny smile played on Janeway's lips.

"I realize that, Ensign. I meant as a father. Who's the man you know?"

Kopec thought for a moment about the man his father had been, but no longer was. It wasn't going to be easy to talk about him when the last image he had of his father was of a bed-ridden shell of a man whose periods of lucidity diminished daily. He'd already missed so much before he'd been granted a leave to be with his family. And now he'd wasted close to two days retrieving the Admiral.

"My father is the strongest, gentlest man I know," he started. "Our house was always filled with laughter, but I think most of that has to do with my mother."

What's her name?" Janeway asked, leaning back into her chair.

"Elaine. Elaine Williams. She's a marine biologist," Kopec informed her.

Janeway choked back a laugh. "On an arid world like Dorvan V?"

"It does sound strange, doesn't it?" Kopec agreed. "Actually, she's studying the prehistoric aquatic life on Dorvan. Apparently at one time much of the planet was covered by water. It's a lot like Earth in that respect."

"When we first got back, your father offered to take me to Dorvan, because I was curious about his home. I never made it," she said, again the sadness entering her voice. Clearing her throat she looked up at Kopec again. "You took your mother's name," she stated.

"Yes, the tattoo was obvious enough evidence of where I come from; I didn't want everyone to think I'd gotten into Starfleet because of who I was related to."

"Anyone in Starfleet should know better," Janeway said.

"You're right, they should, but things don't always work out that way." Kopec didn't tell her of the fights he'd gotten into with jealous cadets when he'd made the cut and they hadn't. Or how he contemplated having the tattoo removed, at least until he made it through the Academy. But he couldn't dishonor his father in that way. If the marking was a burden, it was one he'd have to bear.

"Do you have any brother's or sisters?"

"You're rather inquisitive, aren't you, Admiral?" Kopec said, smiling , displaying his own version of his father's dimples. He knew he was being a little too familiar with a *very* senior officer, but he couldn't help it; she'd left herself wide open for the comment.

Janeway gave him a crooked grin of her own. "I suppose I asked for that." Looking him squarely in the eyes, she said, "I like you, Ensign. I think we're going to get along just fine. I'm tired of everyone treating me with kid gloves, afraid they might upset 'the legend.'"

Kopec wasn't quite sure if she'd paid him a compliment or not, but he chose to take it as one. "I've got two younger sisters," he told her as he entered a slight course change to avoid an asteroid belt. "Topai is sixteen, studying to be a biologist, like *Ina*, "

"*Ina?*" Janeway asked, confused.

"Sorry, I mean 'mother.' *Ina's* a native word. *Ahtay* is father, if you hear one of us call him that." Janeway nodded, as if she were filing the information away.

"And your other sister?" she prompted.

"Naya. She's ten, and I should warn you, she's completely fascinated with you."

"With *me?*" Janeway asked incredulously.

Kopec looked slightly embarrassed, as if he shared a bit of his sister's hero worship. "You're her idol. I swear she knows *everything* about your life and career. She's become quite the expert on you. Needless to say, she plans to attend the Academy and study stellar phenomenon."

Now it was Kathryn's turn to be embarrassed. "Well, I guess I'm flattered to have inspired her, but this will be a bit awkward," she said. "Given the fact that Chakotay hasn't spoken to me in years I would think he'd be a little put out that his daughter is using me as a role model."

"It is rather unfortunate," Kopec said.

"I don't know about unfortunate, necessarily," Janeway said.

"I mean that *Ahtay* has all this knowledge of you that he won't share with Naya. He knows how enamored she is with you, and yet, he refuses to talk about *Voyager* or anything to do with the Delta Quadrant."

"You mean he's never talked to you about it? Any of it?" Janeway asked, clearly astonished that he hadn't heard first-hand accounts of what happened.

"Funny, isn't it? I grew up with someone who was there, and I learned about *Voyager* and the Delta Quadrant at school. It's kind of disconcerting hearing your father talked of as a hero. I remember how watching the holo-vids that the man next to you didn't seem like my father. Like he was someone I'd never met."

"Actually, you probably didn't."

"Excuse me?"

"Ensign, I'm not trying to be rude or evasive, but I'm not willing to talk to you about the man I knew, because he obviously doesn't want that portion of his life discussed. I'm not going to put you in the position of defending him or his actions. Chakotay has his reasons for why he hasn't spoken to me in all this time, but he's the only one who has those answers. I'd rather not speculate on what they might be because I don't want to put you in the middle of this." Her words weren't harsh, but some of the easy camaraderie that had begun to form between them vanished.

"Perhaps it would be better if I returned to my reports for awhile," she said standing slowly, her body taking a few moments to accomplish the action. "It's hell getting old," she said with a smile, trying to reassure him her leaving wasn't entirely due to the uncomfortable turn their conversation had taken. "I would recommend you avoid it at all costs."

Kopec pondered Janeway's abrupt departure. Something was obviously going on that both she and her father had refused to talk about. He'd heard the rumors, of course, that the captain and first officer of *Voyager* secretly had an affair, but there was no evidence to substantiate the hearsay. Probably why Naya was so enthralled with Janeway; the romantic notion that the captor had fallen in love with her captive. It was obvious they were close, it was evident on any of the those first holo-vids, but Kopec never subscribed to the notion that his father was in love with Janeway. After all, if that were the case, wouldn't he have accepted a commission on *Voyager-A?* This had all occurred before he was born, of course, and Janeway was right: he didn't know the man she knew, but if there had been bad blood between them, would she have agreed to drop everything and come to Dorvan with him? He had to admit she didn't exactly sound eager at the prospect of a reunion. Maybe it was just a duty she felt she had to perform, or after he'd come to her office and stirred up old memories, she decided she needed some resolution. What ever the reason, he found that the closer they came to Dorvan V, the more apprehensive he was beginning to feel.

*********

It was a short walk to Chakotay's house, Kopec explained after docking at the landing pad on Dorvan. It was hot here, Kathryn realized. Damn hot. The heat hit her like a physical blow as she stepped out the door of the runabout. This time she didn't fight Kopec on his offer to help her with her bag; it was going to take most of her energy just to walk to the house in that heat. It almost reminded her of Vulcan, except the landscape wasn't nearly as austere. He'd never mentioned the heat, she thought. In all the conversations they'd had of their respective homes, he never mentioned it. She didn't know why that thought struck her odd, as if Chakotay'd been deliberately keeping something from her. If she would have asked him about the climate on Dorvan, she was sure he would have told her. As it was, he hadn't. How many other things about him was she ignorant of? At one time she thought she knew him as well as herself, perhaps even better. But a simple little thing like the mention of climatological conditions seemed to be a metaphor for how little she really *had* known him. Perhaps Chakotay wasn't entirely to blame for their split twenty-five years ago. If she'd been more sensitive to his emotions, maybe this all could have been avoided somehow.

Kathryn looked up at Kopec. He was studying her face, trying to gauge her mood. So much like his father, she thought. Not only in appearance, but manner as well. It was something Chakotay would have done. Waited to see what she thought, then back her up. She managed a small smile as Kopec pointed out his parents’ house.

"It's just a little further," he said, "second on the left." The house looked cheerful, the exterior expressing nothing of what was happening within its walls. There was a small garden, carefully tended, that seemed to make the dwelling stand out among its neighbors.

"I thought you told me your mother was a marine biologist," Kathryn said, her mouth twisting into a quirky grin.

"She is," Kopec said, noting the direction of Janeway's gaze. "She also happens to be one hell of a gardener."

"I would say. I tried my hand at it once," she said, her mind going back to an image of tomatoes. "I actually rather enjoyed it."

Kopec was about to ask her why she hadn't continued with her gardening when his mother stepped out of the house, watering can in hand.

"Kopec?" She questioned, shading her eyes. When did you get back?"

"Just now. We've been admiring your garden. *Ina,* this is Admiral Janeway, Admiral, my mother, Elaine Williams."

Kathryn took in the woman's appearance in one sweeping glance. Tall, long blonde hair captured in a braid, pleasant smile. Aging, but no doubt older than she looked. Elaine was almost a complete opposite of herself physically, Kathryn observed. Except for her height, the woman reminded her of Riley Frasier. Swallowing the lump she felt forming in her throat, Kathryn took a step closer to the woman, extending her hand, hoping the smile she'd forced didn't appear that way.

Elaine took her hand, smiling with genuine warmth, causing Kathryn to feel guilty for being less than sincere with her own facial expression.

"It's nice to finally meet you, Admiral," she said, accepting the hand Kathryn offered.

"Please, call me 'Kathryn.' I only wish we were meeting under different circumstances."

"Thank you, Kathryn," Elaine said, experimenting with her name.

Kathryn knew Elaine was examining her with the same surreptitious glances she herself was making towards Chakotay's wife. Comparing likeness and differences. Chakotay's wife. God, why did the that thought cause her a such a stab of pain in her heart? Wasn't she someone's wife? A man she truly did love and loved her in return? She and Michael had been together over twice as long as she and Chakotay had been, yet it was still hard to imagine him with someone else. Kopec was difficult enough, but seeing the woman who'd given him life, was somehow harder still, reminding Kathryn in ways she couldn't begin to fathom that Chakotay was no longer a part of her life.

"Come in the house, " Elaine invited, "The sun and heat are brutal today."

"I have to admit, I wasn't prepared for the heat," Kathryn said, pulling on the front of her uniform in an effort to release some of the heat trapped by the material.

"It's been a particularly hot summer; it's made it harder on Chakotay," Elaine commented, holding the door for Kathryn and Kopec. She reached up and caressed her son's cheek. "I'm glad you're back, Kopec. He's failing faster than we thought."

"I'm sorry, *Ina,*" Kopec said, drawing his mother into a hug, trying not to cry, seeing how upset she was.

Kathryn noticed it was cooler in the house, but certainly not comfortable. "You don't have any kind of climate control? Shouldn't Chakotay be. . . ." her voice trailed off as she turned to see mother and son in an embrace, both trying to cover the fact they were crying. Feeling like a voyeur intruding on such a personal moment, Kathryn turned back towards the interior of the room, allowing them a few moments to collect themselves.

"Excuse me, Kathryn," Elaine apologized. "I thought I was past breaking down everytime I think about it."

"Don't apologize for loving him," Kathryn said, on the verge of tears herself. "May I see him?" she asked gently.

"Of course," Elaine said, wiping the last of her tears from her cheeks. "This way." She walked down a narrow hallway, stopping before a doorway on the right. "I'll see if he's awake," Elaine said, subtly instructing Kathryn to remain outside.

There were sounds of muffled voices. Chakotay must be awake and Elaine informing him she was there. The feeling of nervousness she felt upon arriving at Elaine’s and Chakotay's home had now twisted into a painful knot, increasing as she clearly heard the words: "I don't want to see her!" shouted with as much strength as the voice could manage. Kathryn looked up at Kopec, who was trying not to look embarrassed at his father's behavior. There were more subdued words, as Elaine tried to placate her husband. Moments later, she emerged from his room, closing the door once again.

"You probably heard that, I'm sorry. He hasn't been very receptive to visitors, outside of the family," she said. "He even refused to see Tom and B'Elanna until she got fed up with his attitude, forced her way into his room and demanded he speak to them." Elaine chuckled at the memory. "It isn't hard to see why they've been friends for so long; they're so much alike in some respects."

Kathryn simply nodded. Tom and B'Elanna knew of his condition and hadn't told her? She realized she'd asked them to stop their "updates" on Chakotay's life, but something like this. . . she would have thought they would have said something. How many others knew and hadn't bothered to mention it to her?

"I'd still like to see him," Kathryn said. "B'Elanna and Chakotay aren't the only ones who are stubborn."

Elaine gave her a weak smile, entering the room once more, Kathryn behind her. She didn't know what she was envisioning, but Kathryn wasn't prepared for the sight of the person on the bed. There was practically nothing left of the man she'd last seen. If it weren't for the tattoo on the sagging, wrinkled skin of his forehead, she never would have recognized him.

He'd lost his hair, and even though his eyes were closed, Kathryn could see they were sunken, rimmed with dark circles. Covered with a light sheet, it was evident there was little left to him. He looked to have shrunk even smaller than herself. His breathing was labored, raspy, as if each would be his last. Kathryn felt tears welling up in her eyes, her throat constricting painfully as she battled her emotions.

Elaine gently shook Chakotay's shoulder, rousing him from the doze he'd slipped into. Chakotay's eyes opened, he blinked several times, trying to focus. Seeing the face of his wife he smiled briefly, but it vanished as he looked in the direction she was nodding. The warm smile faded, his eyes turning cold.

"I told you I didn't want to see her!"

*********

Kopec moved beyond the door of his father's room to the room he was staying in. Growing up, he'd had the room his father occupied, but it was the coolest room in the house; he'd gladly given it up to help make his Ahtay's* last days more comfortable. Topai and Naya had doubled-up as well, leaving his parents’ room for guests. So many had come to pay their respects to Chakotay, even though he saw few of them. The close quarters coupled with the strain of their father's impending death had left them all short-tempered and waspish. Squabbles broke out among Naya and Topai almost on a daily basis, adding to the tension in the house.

His things had been packed in boxes and crates, stacked in the corner of what had been Topai's room. Opening a box he found his *Akoonah,* the device designed to help him communicate with the spirits his people believed in. Kopec had only half-heartedly learned the rituals, making only a minimal effort to gather items for a medicine bundle. He remembered his father clapping him on the shoulder as a boy of fourteen, telling him one day the spirits would be important to him; he'd wished he'd paid closer attention to his father's teachings. A sad look had crossed Chakotay's features that day, as if he were remembering similar advice.

Out of deference for his father, Kopec tried to learn the rituals, but found he couldn't take them as seriously as he knew he should. So he'd given up the pretense of meditating and put the *Akoonah* and medicine bundle into a box in the back of his closet and hadn't thought of it since.

He wasn't sure why he contemplated its use now. Perhaps because his father was on the verge of becoming one of those spirits. Kopec's hands were shaking as he sank cross-legged to the floor, cradling the *Akoonah.* Placing it on the floor before him, he tried to remember the invocation his father had taught him, but he was nervous; the words wouldn't come to him. He took deep breaths, trying to calm his racing heart, wondering why he was so agitated. If this didn't work, it wasn't so tragic. So why did he feel this desperation to make contact with the spirit world before his father entered? As the deep breaths relaxed him, he heard his father's voice in his head and Kopec repeated the words aloud:

"*Akoochie moya*. I am far from the bones of my people. . . ."

*********

"What are you doing here?" Chakotay asked, once they were alone. His voice so hoarse, Kathryn had to strain to make out the words.

Coming closer, she fought the urge to make light of the situation. "I would think that would be obvious," she said, her tone serious. "Chakotay, why didn't you tell me or send word that you were sick?"

"I would think that would be obvious," he rasped, mocking her.

"No! It isn't, damn it!" she shouted, immediately regretting her outburst. Lowering her voice she said, "I've never understood what you seem to think should be 'obvious' to me." Suddenly the realization hit her. "You told them not to tell me."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Chakotay said, shifting on the bed so his back was to her as much as possible.

"Tom and B'Elanna. You made them promise not to tell me you were sick, didn't you?"

Chakotay remained silent, closing his eyes, trying to shut out the knowledge she was there.

"Answer me!"

"I'm not under your command anymore, Admiral."

"That doesn't mean you're going to get out of answering me," Kathryn said, walking around to the side of the bed he'd turned to. Opening his eyes he saw the hard stare she was giving him. She looked into his eyes. They were the one thing about him that hadn't changed. Oh, they didn't have the same gleam in them as they used to when he looked at her, but they were still his eyes, unable to lie to her or anyone else. They stared at each other, each waiting for the other to back down. Finally Chakotay said,

"It's good to know that B'Elanna still keeps her promises." At his words, Kathryn visibly relaxed. Drawing up a chair, she sat next to the bed.

"Why did you make her promise not to tell me," she asked gently, all her earlier vehemence gone from her voice.

"I knew you'd come. I didn't want you to. I don't want you here now." Chakotay's words cut her as if he'd used an actual knife. Clearing her throat she said,

"So you've said. Chakotay it's been *twenty-five years*, for God's sake! Don't you think it's time you told me what this is all about? Why you left the way you did, why you never answered a *single* one of my messages?"

He waited so long Kathryn wasn't sure if he were still awake. "Chakotay?" she prompted.

His eyes fluttered open, refocusing on her. "I thought you'd gone," he said, ending his sentence with a hacking cough. Kathryn reached for a water container, filling a glass about half-full, helping him to drink it. He took a small sip, laying his head down once more, breathing as hard as if he'd just run a race.

"You were telling me what happened to change your mind, all those years ago," Kathryn pressed.

Chakotay started to chuckle but ended up coughing again. Waving off her assistance he gasped, "I know I have periods when I hallucinate, but I also know when I'm not. I definitely didn't tell you why. . ."

"Why you left Starfleet, your friends. . .me," she whispered.

"Kathryn," he sighed, calling her by name for the first time. "It's a very long story, and I'm tired."

Kathryn stood to leave, not wanting to over-tax him. "I'll let you get some rest. But I want you to know, this isn't over yet."

"No, it isn't," he cryptically agreed.

*********

Kathryn exited Chakotay's room, stood outside the door, then leaned her back against the opposite wall, grateful for its support. She'd never had so many conflicting emotions coursing through her; pity, anger, even joy. She couldn't deny that even though he'd been less than excited to see her, she was glad to see him again. If it hadn't been for his physical condition, it would almost be a happy occasion. At least for her.

Kathryn rubbed the fatigue from her eyes, heading down the hall, feeling out of place in this house. *Their* house. Everywhere she looked there were reminders that this was the home Chakotay and Elaine built together. How different would it look if her decorating tastes had mingled with his?

Kathryn emerged from the hallway into the kitchen where Elaine was cleaning vegetables. She hadn't noticed Kathryn's presence, so she spoke up.

"He's resting."

Elaine jumped slightly at Kathryn's sudden intrusion. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you come in."

"I'm the one who should be apologizing, Elaine. I come here, upset your husband, startle you. . . ."

"I asked you to come," Elaine said. "Would you like some coffee?"

Kathryn couldn't suppress a grin. Maybe Chakotay had told Elaine about her after all. "How did you know I like coffee? Did Chakotay. . ."

"Naya told me," Elaine interrupted sparing her the embarrassment of a wrong assumption.

"Naya," Kathryn repeated, a note of disappointment in her voice.

"Yes, she's become quite the expert on you," Elaine confided. "She's told me so much, I feel as though I've already met you."

"Kopec mentioned that. I'm not sure I understand her interest in me, but it's flattering."

"You've been an inspiration to a great many people, Kathryn. Men and women. I know Kopec probably wouldn't admit it, but I think he's a bit 'star struck' by you as well. I don't know that it was Chakotay's former association with Starfleet that set him on that path, so much as a desire to follow in your footsteps."

Kathryn accepted the cup of coffee Elaine handed her. "I've definitely had my share of adventures, but it certainly hasn't been the life everyone seems to *think* I've lead."

"Well, you know heroes, they always seem larger-than-life. I felt a bit like that myself when I first met Chakotay," she confessed. Kathryn waited for her to elaborate, but Elaine didn't offer any more insights into her first encounter with her husband. Retrieving her own cup of coffee, Elaine joined Kathryn at her kitchen table. Taking a deep breath, Elaine gave Kathryn a small smile and said,

"Kathryn, this is hard for me to say, so I'll give it to you in a nutshell." Kathryn felt her lips twitching into a ghost of a smile at Elaine's choice of words. No doubt a phrase she'd picked up from Chakotay.

"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable here. I'm trying my damnedest to keep this all in perspective, but it's not easy for me to have you here."

Kathryn shifted in her seat, uncomfortable herself. "I know. This is an awkward situation for all of us. If Chakotay wasn't sick, I doubt we'd ever have met. At least not here, not in your home. Chakotay obviously still doesn't want to tell me what happened all those years ago. I've disrupted your family enough; I should go. I should. . . "

"That's not what I meant. I don't want you to go. Chakotay may not want to face the past, but he *has* to. I won't tell you it didn't hurt, that it doesn't still hurt when I think of the things he said to me when he was delirious and thought I was you. That's why I knew you had to come. I'm sure you have some unresolved feelings for him as well."

Kathryn looked down at her coffee cup, fiddling with the handle. Could she be so gracious if their positions were reversed? It was obvious Elaine loved Chakotay very much, enough that she could set her personal feelings aside to allow him one last time with his old love, no matter how difficult it was for her. For the first time, Kathryn realized how similar in nature she and Elaine were. Hadn't she set aside her personal feelings for Chakotay all those years for the good of the ship?

"I just want to know what happened that changed his mind," Kathryn told her.

"Why he left you," Elaine supplied.

"Yes." It was barely audible.

"He's the only one who can tell you that," Elaine said, "I asked him about you once, before we were married. And he just said, 'that chapter of my life is over; I don't want to talk about her.' And, being the coward I am, I just left it at that. After all, I really didn't want to hear how much he loved you."

"Elaine, I. . ."

"Oh, you don't have to deny that you loved each other, that you still love him. I'd be surprised if you didn't, knowing him as I do. It's just. . .difficult to hear your husband call you by another woman's name, confess things to you in her name and try to remember it's the disease talking. Chakotay may have been irrational, but I know the words were true."

"I'm so sorry, Elaine," Kathryn said, reaching across the table to touch the other woman's hand. Elaine wiped at a stray tear with her opposite hand, trying to smile.

"Don't be. You can't help how he feels, neither can I. It's just after he kept calling me by your name, and telling me how sorry he was for the things he'd done to you, I knew he had to tell the *real* you. That's why I sent Kopec to get you. Chakotay's rational mind may still deny that there needs to be a settlement between the two of you, but his spirit needs this for him to find peace. I wish I could do this for him, but I can't. The best I can do is try to understand that I *can't* be the one to help him."

"I don't know what to say," Kathryn said, feeling torn between wanting answers and not wanting to hurt this woman. She wondered if they would have been friends if things had been different. She'd liked to think so. As it was, they had an understanding: this wasn't what either one of them wanted.

*********

"Kathryn!" her name echoed through the house. Elaine and Kathryn exchanged glances, rising at the same time.

"You should go to him," Elaine said, a pained look on her face that it wasn't her name Chakotay had called out.

"We'll both go," Kathryn said, taking the woman's hand again. "He needs you."

Entering his room together, Elaine and Kathryn saw him tossing about, either having a dream or in the middle of an hallucination. Elaine went to him immediently, trying to calm him before he hurt himself.

"It's okay, Chakotay. Kathryn's here. She wants to talk to you," Elaine crooned to him as if he were a child.

Instantly Chakotay stilled, his eyes opened, gripping his wife's arm. "Get her out of here."

"No," Elaine said firmly. "You

*will* talk to her. I'll stay if you want me to."

"I. . .yes. No."

"No what?"

"You don't have to stay." Chakotay clarified. Reaching up, he touched his wife's cheek with knarled, distorted fingers; Kathryn recognized the gesture and felt her throat tighten.

"I love you," he said, reassuring her.

"I love you, too," Elaine returned, leaning over to give him a gentle kiss. She stood, giving Kathryn a quick glance as she left.

Kathryn stood on the far side of the room, silent.

"So," he said.

"So," she repeated, crossing her arms over her chest. There was a long stretch of quiet. "Do you need me to start this?" she asked, "need me to remind you what happened that day?"

"No, I certainly remember the day clearly enough."

"I wouldn't know it from the way you're stalling. To borrow a phrase: let's have it in a nutshell, Chakotay."

"Would you believed me if I told you that I left you because I loved you?" his voice rasped.

Kathryn's short laugh came out as a snort. "No, I wouldn't."

"Well, it's the truth. Plus the fact I just couldn't do it anymore. Not one more mission, not one more day."

"Do what?"

"Be by your side. Always with you and never with you. . ." His words ended with a coughing spell, causing Kathryn to cross the room, helping him to take a sip of water. When he was breathing as normally as possible, Kathryn picked up the thread of his narrative.

"I tried to tell you that day, the day I offered you the position on *Voyager-A*, that things were going to be different. That there would be time for us to have a real relationship."

"Time, certainly," he agreed, "but what about the rest?"

"The rest? What do you mean?"

"Kathryn," her name almost sounded like a growl. "Things would have been no different just because we were in the Alpha Quadrant."

"Of course they would have! Our missions would have been--were--weeks, not years!"

"But you forget, there was still Starfleet who frowned on relationships between officers, especially the command team. And the crew, they were almost the exact same people we spent seven years with, what would be different there? You always worried about their approval before, what would have been different that time around?"

Kathryn began pacing at the foot of his bed. "But you never even gave it a chance! A chance to let me prove to you that things *were* different! I didn't have to worry about getting the crew home anymore, or appearing as though I'd given up because I was with you!"

"And if things didn't work out, you could just transfer, right? So you had nothing to lose, am I right?"

"Well," Kathryn admitted, "partially, I suppose. I didn't expect to need to use the fact we were close to home as a fail-safe, but I can't say it didn't enter my mind."

Chakotay was silent again for a moment, then said, "But what fail-safe did I have? What guarantee did *I* get that you'd actually give it your best shot?"

"I don't. . ."

"I couldn't take the risk, Kathryn," Chakotay said, stopped by another fit of coughing. Kathryn went for the water again, but he waved her away, taking great gulps of air between short coughs. Worry creased her brow as she fluttered nervously near his side, unsure what she should do to help him. Slowly, his coughing ceased.

"I need," he took a breath, "to rest." Kathryn started to protest but then simply nodded.

"Will you tell me more later?"

Chakotay hesitated, closed his eyes then said, "yes."

*********

Once again, Kathryn found herself outside Chakotay's door, only this time she didn't hesitate to return to the kitchen.

"Why is he here?" she demanded of Elaine.

"Excuse me?"

"Why isn't he in a hospital, some special medical facility? He's too sick to be here! He isn't getting the proper care!" Kathryn was nearly shaking with fury that Chakotay lay in a small bed in an over-heated house where he was getting minimal care at best.

Elaine gave her a sympathetic smile. "I know how helpless you feel, Kathryn. I went through this myself. The children too. There's nothing to be done. That's why we brought him home. At least he could die in his own home, instead of some sterile medical facility."

Kathryn felt her rage abating. She wasn't really angry with Elaine, she was angry with the injustice of it all. Chakotay shouldn't be dying, he should live to see his youngest daughter married, with children of her own, instead of wasting away from some obscure disease contracted over twenty-five years ago.

She turned from Elaine, clenching her fists. "What about the Vidiians? Their medical technology is far superior to ours, not to mention their familiarity with Delta Quadrant diseases. We have a truce with them, I'm sure some arrangement. . ."

"We've tried that. In fact, it was one of the first methods of treatment suggested. But they have no cure for this. Not even one that could be adapted for humans. There's just no cure. Even Dr. Parchey, whom the syndrome is named for, could offer no help. Believe me, Kathryn. Everything that could be done has been."

Kathryn knew she was grasping at straws. She wanted, no, *needed* to believe there was some explanation for this. Just then the outer door flew open and two girls raced into the kitchen, suddenly stopping short when they saw the woman with their mother. The younger of the two skidded to a halt, her mouth hanging open.

"You. . .you're. . ."

"Kathryn Janeway," she said smiling, extending her hand to the gaping girl. "You must be Naya."

"Ye. . .yes. Yes, I am. Oh, Gods! I can't believe it's you! I mean wait 'till the kids at school hear that you were really here! And I met you!"

The older girl nudged her sister in the ribs. "Cut it out, you're making a fool of yourself," she said out of the side of her mouth.

"And you must be Topai," Kathryn said, offering her hand to the other girl as well. It took a moment, but reluctantly she took Kathryn's hand for a brief shake.

"Admiral," she said tersely. Looking at her mother, Topai said, "will you excuse me? I have a lot of homework." Without waiting for Elaine's response, Topai was down the hallway, slamming the door to her shared bedroom.

Elaine blushed, apologizing to Kathryn. "Please excuse Topai, I think she's taking Chakotay's illness the hardest of all of us."

Kathryn placed her hand on Elaine's arm. "You don't have to explain; I understand completely." Changing the subject she addressed Naya, who stood nervously looking between the adults and down the hall where her sister had fled.

"I hear you're interested in joining Starfleet," Kathryn said, taking a seat at the kitchen table, closing the distance between herself and Chakotay's youngest child.

"Yes, Ma'am." Naya said in a small voice, clearly still awed by Admiral Janeway's presence in her home.

"Well the first thing you need to learn is that I don't like to be addressed as 'ma'am.' How about Kathryn, can you manage that?" She asked in a mock-stern voice.

"Ka. . .Kathryn," Naya stumbled, looking to her mother for reassurance. Elaine nodded, causing Naya to immediately brighten. "Do you want to see what we learned in school today?" Naya enthused. "We finally got to do some study on compact halo objects! Your thesis was one of the works we studied!" Naya exclaimed, clearly impressed that she had the author of one of her texts before her.

"Good Lord," Kathryn winced. "They're *still* citing that old thing? I would have thought they'd be teaching something a little more current."

"They're starting out with your work and we're moving onto more recent discoveries," Naya explained.

Kathryn chuckled. "Well, I didn't expect to be thought of as 'history' before I was dead." At the word "dead" the room suddenly became silent, tears welling up in Naya's eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Naya," Kathryn said, stroking the young girl’s dark hair, trying to comfort her. "I didn't mean to upset you." Elaine stepped in and said,

"Why don't you go put your PADDs away, then you can help me with dinner." Naya nodded, wiping at the single tear that had managed to escape. Gathering her schoolwork, Naya followed her sister’s path down the hallway.

"Elaine, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to remind her."

"I know," she said, trying to give Kathryn a smile, but she didn't quite succeed. "We're all a little sensitive these days." Kathryn started to speak when suddenly there came an anguished cry from the bedroom Naya and Topai shared.

"Stop it! What are you doing! Topai stop it! Please!" Naya's last word was a sob as she begged her sister to end what she was doing. Kathryn stood but Elaine held up her hand and told her she'd be back in a moment. She could hear Elaine's voice, controlled, but couldn't make out the words. Naya’s and Topai's were clear, however. Apparently Topai had taken all of Naya's momentoes of Janeway's career and destroyed them. There was more shouting and suddenly Topai came running down the hallway, stopping momentarily before Kathryn.

"Why did you have to come? Couldn't you just let him die in peace?"

Kathryn started to form an explanation when Topai ran off again.

"Topai!" Elaine called out, but the girl was gone with the slamming of the outer door.

*********

Kopec tried to concentrate on his meditations, but his mind wouldn't focus. Every time he'd start to get close to the ethereal place between worlds, some thought or sound would jar him back to reality. First it was his father's coughing, then it was his sisters coming into the house with a bang of the door. The last was Naya's outburst. Kopec tried one last time to seek the spirits, but his mother's shout ended it. He was about to disengage his fingers from the *Akoonah* when he could have sworn he heard a voice whisper in his mind: "go to her." Kopec had no idea if it were the voice of one of his ancestors or his own conscience speaking to him, but he gave up trying to seek answers from the spirit world.

Exiting the warm confines of his room, the rest of the house felt cool by comparison. Leaving the hall, he noticed Admiral Janeway pacing his mother's kitchen. He'd never had the honor of serving with her, but it didn't take much imagination to place her on the bridge of a starship. Walking as she contemplated her next move as the latest obstacle of the Delta Quadrant was thrown at her and *Voyager.* Inactivity didn't suit her. She needed to keep busy, either physically or mentally. He understood the feeling. He'd experience the same thing in his days since he'd returned home. All their lives were on hold as they waited for Chakotay to die.

"Admiral," Kopec said, announcing his presence. Janeway looked up at the sound of his voice. "Did you see where my sister went?"

"Just out the door," she answered. "And I've asked Naya to call me 'Kathryn.' Think you can do the same while I'm here?"

"If you can call me 'Kopec' instead of 'Ensign,'" he said with a smile.

"I think that could be arranged. It's me, isn't it?" Kopec looked at her quizzically. "The reason Topai's so upset," Janeway clarified.

"Maybe. . . I don't know," he sighed. "She's been impossible lately. It's not like she's the only one losing a father!" Kopec checked the anger in his voice then said, "I should see if I can find her. Excuse me."

Kopec walked the streets of Kiridan, but suspected his sister wasn't within the village. He knew she favored the small, spring-fed pond about a kilometer out of town. It was cool in the shade of the trees that had been planted there, turning the oasis into a park of sorts. Even on the hottest days it was a respite from the heat. He'd changed from his Starfleet uniform, but the walk to the pond still left him sweating; after having been absent from his homeworld for five years, he wasn't used to the climate.

Kopec spotted Topai almost immediately, sitting on a log, dangling her feet in the cool water of the pond. She didn't look up as he came up behind her.

"I knew you'd come," she said with certainty.

"I almost didn't after that childish display I heard. Topai, what's wrong?" he asked, removing his own shoes to join her on the log. The water wasn't much cooler than the air, but it felt wonderful on his hot feet.

She looked up at him with surprise registering on her face. "You brought her here; you have to ask?"

Kopec took in his sister's appearance with one glance. She had the same dark hair he and Naya had, but his mother's coloring. Blue eyes and lighter skin than her siblings. If he took after their father, then Toapai was definitely their mother's child. Naya seemed to be more of a combination of both parents than either of her older siblings. Topai's hair was disheveled; she must have ran the whole way to the pond. And she'd been crying, something that seemed to be a daily occurrence for her. She'd always been so happy; this melancholy was an addition to her personality he hadn't expected.

"You know why I brought Kathryn here," Kopec said.

"Oh, so it's 'Kathryn' now, is it? I suppose she'll have you enamored just like she does Naya, and. . . ." She let her words trail off.

"And who? You mean *Ahtay?* He wasn't exactly thrilled to see her."

"But I bet it didn't take much convincing to get *her* to come," Topai replied bitterly.

"Actually, I believe she came more out of a sense of duty than anything else."

Topai snorted. "You're so naive sometimes, Kopec. She came because she still loves him."

"You don't know that! You don't know if they ever had any feelings beyond the kind of respect and camaraderie that comes with sharing the command of a vessel!" Kopec defended Janeway.

Topai crossed her arms and looked up to the sky, as if she were searching for patience with her brother. "You've seen the holo-vids! You saw how they acted! It wasn't the kind of behavior one shows for a fellow officer!"

"Now you sound like Naya, going on about how romantic it was to be stranded seventy years from home, falling in love with the man you've been sent to capture. If that was the case, why would they split up once they got home?"

"You were gone," Topai said quietly. "Gone to get *her.* You didn't hear the things he said."

"If you mean about *Ahtay* mistaking *Ina* for her, he was delirious. He was mistaking what he feels for *Ina* and ascribing it to Kathryn," Kopec rationalized.

"You just go on believing in your little fantasy, *Tiblo*. You've got Janeway on such a pedestal, she'd surly break if she fell off it."

"What are you talking about?" he asked, trying not to get angry at her digs.

"You and Naya have made her into some kind of noble goddess who's larger-than-life. Well, I've got news for you, *Tiblo,* she's as human as the rest of us. She's a woman who fell in love with her first officer, and he fell in love with her as well."

Kopec ran a hand over his face. "Okay, let's say for a minute that you're right. Why do you think they still feel something for each other? They've both married other people, moved on with their lives. I think you're mistaking nostalgia for love."

"Nostalgia? From *Ahtay?* He's refused to talk about *Voyager* or the Delta Quadrant. Ever! Why should he suddenly start longing for the 'good old days' now?" Topai countered.

"Well, being on your deathbed probably causes you to take stock of your life, to become reflective. That's probably all it is."

"And one of the things he's 'reflective' about is his missed opportunities with *her.*" Topai refused to speak Kathryn's name.

"I still think you're reading too much into this," Kopec said, standing and wading out into the water until the rolled-up cuffs of his pants were practically in the water.

"And I think you're turning a blind eye." Topai insisted. "While you were gone, he had a bad spell that lasted several hours," she said quietly, obviously upset. She cleared her throat and continued. "He kept calling *Ina* 'Kathryn' and telling her how sorry he was that he left the way he did. That he loved her, and despite all that had happened, he still loved her."

Kopec froze in the water, not able to face his sister. "Are you sure? You didn't mistake it for something else?"

"Kopec, I was *there*! I heard what he said! Gods, you should have seen the look on *Ina's* face! I've never seen her look so devastated, not since the doctors told us that *Ahtay*. . . ." Topai swallowed, unable to continue.

"But when I brought her, he refused to see her! He kept shouting that he wanted her to leave! If he's in love with her, why would he try to send her away?"

"I don't know," Topai answered honestly. "I guess he's still denying what he feels for her."

"You don't think that all his talk of love was part of his delusion?" Kopec ventured.

"That's what *Ina* said, but I think she's just trying to convince herself. I don't know how she can stand to have that woman here! How am I going to stay in the same house as her, knowing what she's done to *Ina*?"

"If *Ina* can swallow her pride and welcome Kathryn into our home, than you can do the same," Kopec said, almost ordering her to accept the situation. "Regardless of what happened in the past, she's here to say good-bye to someone important to her. I think we owe her that much. Same as we owed it to Tom and B'Elanna and the rest of his old crew that have come to say their farewells."

Topai sighed. "I suppose you're right, but I don't have to like it."

"It's not up to us. It's between *Ina,* *Ahtay* and Kathryn." Kopec walked towards his sister, helping her off the log. "Let's go home *Tahnkshe*"

*********

Kathryn stood in the doorway of Naya's bedroom, watching the girl pick up the mess Topai had made of her things. Torn pictures littered the room and Naya had to stop picking up the pieces from time to time to wipe the tears that coursed down her cheeks. Kathryn stepped into the room, picking up a fragment of a photo.

"I've always hated this one," she commented, causing Naya to spin around. "It makes me look so stern. I don't remember being that way. But it guess it's true; pictures don't lie." Naya stepped closer to her, taking the piece of the picture and fitting it to the one she held.

"I always thought it made you look 'commanding,'" she said.

Kathryn picked up another. "This one was okay," she said, looking at the upper-half of her body. "I still miss those uniforms. They were a lot more comfortable than these are," she said, indicating the latest version of Starfleet's dress code.

"I like the old ones too, " Naya confessed, taking a seat on her bed. Kathryn joined her, handing her the scrap of photo she held.

"If I recall, Chakotay was in this picture as well."

Naya blushed, ducking her head. "*Ahtay* doesn't like that I have these pictures of you, but he said as long as he never saw them, it was okay." Naya was silent for a moment Kathryn could see she was working up her courage to ask her something.

"Kathryn? How come *Ahtay* won't talk about the Delta Quadrant? Why is he so mad at you? Did you two have a fight? Is that why he left Starfleet?" The string of inquiries echoed her own questions. How was she to reply to Naya when she didn't know the answers herself?

"I honestly don't know," she said, spotting the other half of the picture she'd already handed to Naya. She picked it up and replied, "it's one of the reasons I had to come when Kopec told me that your father was ill. Only he has those answers."

"Topai's mad because she thinks you came here because you love *Ahtay.*" Naya told her candidly. "Is it true?" Kathryn blew out a breath, standing. Naya's dark eyes followed her as Kathryn walked around the small room.

"I don't know if you'll understand this," Kathryn started. "Your father and I were very close once. When we were on *Voyager*, we only had each other to discuss our professional lives with. We were friends with several of the crew, but he was one of the few members of my staff I could turn to with my doubts about command. It brought us very close."

"So you do love him!" Naya cried, happy that her fantasy of her father and her hero being in love was true.

"Not in the way you think," Kathryn clarified. "He was the best friend I ever had," she said, her voice almost failing her. "Your father loves your mother very much."

"I know that," Naya said, "but that doesn't mean he can't love you too!" Kathryn looked at the girl before her. She had such a romanticized version of her life with Chakotay; nothing she said was going to convince her otherwise.

"It was a long time ago," Kathryn said. Looking around the room, she saw they'd picked up all the pictures, but Naya's glass replica of *Voyager* was smashed. "I don't think there's any hope for this," Kathryn said, picking up the larger pieces of glass. Holding the broken pieces of her former ship, she wondered how many times she'd come close to destroying the real thing before they actually made it home. *Voyager* had been a good ship. It was hard to believe that out of her entire life, those seven years still held the most significance for her.

"I got that on the twenty-third anniversary of *Voyager's* return," Naya informed her. "Topai knew how much it meant to me. I don't know why she. . . ." Naya's voice dropped off as a fresh batch of tears came to her eyes. "I can't even replicate a new one; it wouldn't be the same."

Kathryn ran her hand over the girl's dark head, wondering what she could offer to replace the value she'd placed on the souvenir. Touching her rank bar, she knew.

"Naya, " she said, tilting the girls head up to meet her eyes, "I know this isn't the same as having your ship, but maybe this will make up for it's loss." Kathryn took Naya's hand, placing the rank bar onto it.

Naya's eyes were wide with shock. "I can't, it's too. . ."

"Yes, you can. Shall I pin it on you?" Naya nodded mutely, as Kathryn attached the insignia to her collar. Touching the metal as if she still couldn't quite believe it, Naya impulsively hugged her, giving Kathryn far more compensation than the bar was worth.

"Thank you, Kathryn," she whispered in her ear, then, seconds later, was running down the hall calling for her mother to see her gift. Emerging from the bedroom, Kathryn saw Elaine crouched down beside her daughter, admiring the bar on her collar.

"Why don't you go show your friends?" Elaine suggested, standing and facing Kathryn. Naya took off with an enthusiastic run, leaving the women standing in the corridor.

"Thank you for cheering her up. Those pictures, that glass ship, they meant the world to her, especially since Chakotay became ill. It's as if she's trying to find some way to hold on to him by embracing his past. With you," she added. "Dinner's almost ready. Will you help me set the table?"

Kathryn couldn't help but admire Elaine's strength. With all she had to contend with, she still managed to be gracious to her. Taking the cutlery Elaine handed her, Kathryn tried to thank her for her hospitality.

"Elaine, I appreciate your generosity, both in allowing me to stay here and to have this chance to settle things with Chakotay."

"I'm only sorry it had to come to this for you and Chakotay to settle your differences," she said, placing glasses by each plate. I won't lie to you, Kathryn. It's taken a lot for me to accept this, but once I realized it didn't diminish the way Chakotay and I feel about each other, it became easier." Elaine turned to the cupboard, back to Kathryn, bracing herself on the counter.

"It was damn hard that first time, when he called me by your name and said how sorry he was, begging me, you, for forgiveness for leaving you all those years ago. Saying how he never stopped loving you. Topai was there, I think that's why she reacted to you as she did. I'm sorry."

"There's no need to apologize," Kathryn whispered.

Elaine turned to face her. "But that doesn't mean we haven't had some wonderful years. He's been an excellent father. You've seen how Kopec turned out; Chakotay's very proud of him."

"He has every right to be proud; so do you."

"Thank you," Elaine said, ducking her head. "The girls, too. They idolize their father. I just wish he *had* settled things with you; he would have been a happier man. There were times I'd catch him, lost in thought; he'd always have the saddest look on his face. I didn't know it at the time, but I suspect he was thinking of you."

"I'm sorry," Kathryn said, at a loss for how to respond to Elaine's confession.

"It's like I said before, you can't help how you feel. Either of you. I just want Chakotay to find some peace. He couldn't find it completely in life, perhaps he can in death." Elaine stopped then, tears running unchecked down her face. Kathryn took two steps towards her, enveloping the taller woman in her arms. Elaine sobbed, as if all the grief she'd felt had suddenly come to the surface. Kathryn rubbed her back, soothing her as best she could. How ridiculous it all seemed! Here she was, "the other woman," and they stood wrapped around each other, lending each other strength, their love for Chakotay creating a bridge between them.

*********

Kathryn quietly opened the door to Chakotay's room, surprised he was awake.

"How long have I been sleeping?" he asked, his voice even more harsh after his nap.

"A little over an hour," she said, stepping into the room, closing the door.

"That's the worst of it," he said, closing his eyes and sighing. "I have so little time left, and what I do have is stolen by sleep."

Kathryn didn't know what to say. At least he was being more congenial to her this time. Hopefully she wouldn't have to drag every word out of him as she had earlier.

"I've been in the spirit world a lot recently," he confessed. "More every time I close my eyes. It's not going to be much longer," he said, his honesty surprising her.

"Chakotay, don't talk like that!"

"I'm in pain, Kathryn. I welcome death. I only wish. . .I wish it didn't have to hurt the ones I love so much for me to go." Kathryn noticed he didn't refer strictly to his family this time. Could he be including her among the ones he loved? "Besides, denial doesn't do any good. In the end, it's still the end."

Chakotay's last sentence hung in the air between them. Finally Kathryn spoke, "Is that why you've decided to stop running away from me?"

Chakotay had a short coughing spell then said, "I suppose it did look as though I was running away from you. I prefer to think of it as severing my ties."

"But why did you feel the need to sever those ties? Chakotay if you wanted to see other people, I would have been hurt, initially, but I would have gotten over it! Instead, you take off without a word, mystifying everyone."

"I told you. I left," he sighed, "because I loved you. I still do, or this wouldn't be so hard." His last words caught Kathryn off guard. She knew she'd never quite gotten over him, but that was because of the way they'd parted. She had an open wound where he was concerned, one which refused to heal.

"Chakotay, I didn't come here for you to confess your love to me on your deathbed. I have a husband, whom I love, you have a wife and family whom love *you* very much. They're who you should be thinking of. All I want to know is *why!*"

Chakotay took a deep breath that rattled in his chest, causing Kathryn to wince. Obviously, every breath he took was painful. "I couldn't just be a casual acquaintance of yours, just a friend. Every time I looked at you I was reminded of what I couldn't have. I didn't have a lot of choice on *Voyager;* there was no where else for me to go. But once we made it home, I did have a choice. I couldn't take it anymore. I waited for you to come to me, but you never did. You were wrapped up in Starfleet and protocol as much as you ever were, maybe even more so."

"Chakotay," Kathryn said with an exasperated sigh, "I was fighting for *you!* For you and the rest of the Maquis! There were no end to the meetings! Every scrap of evidence from *all* the logs was examined. They insisted on reviewing everything! Every mission, every call I ever made, from following you into the Badlands, to the discovery of the wormhole!"

"And in all that time, you never found a moment when you could contact me? Let me know what was going on?"

Kathryn rubbed her forehead. "You must remember how it was. Besides the media frenzy, Headquarters kept me so busy I didn't have a minute to myself. Certainly you were kept busy as well. I'm sure they were cross-checking your answers with mine; I assumed that's why I was ordered not to talk to you."

"They

*ordered* you not to talk to me? What did they expect to find?" Chakotay's agitation brought on another bout of coughing, causing Kathryn to turn, heading for his water. She helped him take a few sips, holding him by the back of the neck, but when she was through, her hand lingered, then lightly brushed over his bald head. He looked so different, but his eyes were still his, the same eyes that always saw straight through her.

"I had to swear not to discuss any of the proceedings, especially with the crew. I assume so we couldn't re-invent *Voyager's* history. I had no idea how long they'd held you or the others for questioning. All I know was I wasn't allowed to speak to anyone until the council reached their decision. Apparently they must have believed us since the charges against the Maquis were dropped."

"They let me go that first week," Chakotay informed her, watching her walking circles around his room.

"The first week? All of you?"

"As far as I know. I was asked not to leave Earth until the final decision, but we were free to leave Headquarters," he told her.

"They held me, practically under house arrest, for nearly a month! Oh, they'd allowed me to do interviews, but that was about the only contact I had with the outside! I was sure you were all being retained as well."

Chakotay's face scrunched up into a frown. "I thought you'd forgotten about us, about me."

"Chakotay," she said, her eyes imploring, "how could you ever think that of me?"

He turned his face away from her intense gaze. "I didn't know what to think. We hadn't spoken since we arrived at Earth, then there was such confusion we never had the chance to talk about what was happening next, much less the future.”

"I remember. It seemed like every time I turned around there was a camera stuck in my face. I kept trying to find a time to talk to you, to any of the crew, but once the media was done with us, then Starfleet started in with their de-briefings. You don't know how hard it was for me to be so cut off from you, from all of them. For seven years I had the comfort of knowing you were there, suddenly I was more alone than I was in the Delta Quadrant." She turned to face him. " I once told you I couldn't imagine a day without you. Then, there I was with weeks of days. When they were finally satisfied they had all the information they could wring from me, the first thing I did was call you, but you'd already left, gone to Dorvan. I asked B'Elanna if she knew how to get a hold of you, but even she didn't know. I assumed you needed some time, so I waited, best I could, until you contacted me. But you never did."

"I still considered it, at least at that point," Chakotay said, looking at her again. "But then I heard you were trying to get command of *Voyager-A*. I knew then that we'd never have a chance at a life together."

"How did you know what I was thinking? How could you make such an assumption without talking to me first?"

"Your actions spoke for themselves," Chakotay said sadly. "We weren't home two months and you were desperate to get back into space again. Why would you even consider settling down, living planetside somewhere if you couldn't handle it for eight weeks?"

"Chakotay," Kathryn said, rubbing her hands over her face, "I started fighting for command of the *A* for the crew, *our* crew! If my recent experience with Starfleet had taught me anything, it was that my life was nothing without them, without you. I would have been satisfied with a desk job if it meant you and I could have been together. But I thought what we both needed was to be with our crew, our family. I'd had it with the bureaucracy. If they could keep me at their beck and call, just to be trotted out for public relations, I deserved something for myself. I'd given Starfleet most of my adult life, I didn't think being allowed a relationship with my First Officer was too big a price to ask. I had clout; I knew it, so I used it. I was going to get that ship, I was going to get that crew, and I was going to stop putting my life on hold!"

Kathryn stopped her speech as Chakotay began coughing again. She started to reach for the water but he rasped,

"It's time for my medication." Looking at the tray of hyposprays, she said,

"Which one is it? Should I get Elaine?"

"We need to finish this first," he gasped. "It's the yellow one." Kathryn selected a hypospray with a yellow cartridge attached. Pressing it to Chakotay's neck, his breathing soon became easier.

"Thank you," he wheezed, closing his eyes as the medication took effect.

"Would you like to rest?" Kathryn offered.

"No, I want to know why you didn't tell me any of this, why you just sprang the whole business of being your First Officer again on me. I hadn't heard from you in all that time, then I get an official communiqué stating you wished to see me. Not a personal message, but one in an official capacity."

"I hadn't had any luck with my searches, I suppose because Dorvan was still in the process of reconstruction at that time. I thought maybe Starfleet's official channels would have better luck. Turns out they did."

"So what I had to go on was that you were doing everything in your power to get *Voyager-A*, that all you wanted to do was go back to the way things were, with me in the same convenient slot. Always at your side, but never truly with you. And I couldn't do it anymore. Maybe you could live your life that way, Kathryn, but I couldn't. But I knew there would be no chance I'd move on if I saw you daily. You saw what happened when I tried to see other people on *Voyager,* I only ended up hurting everyone. I suppose I had my mind made up not to accept the position even before we met. I just went through the motions for the sake of propriety."

Kathryn wiped at the tears that were threatening to escape her eyes as she listened to Chakotay. God, there'd been so many crossed signals! If only she hadn't tried to surprise him! She purposely made sure Starfleet's message was vague because she'd wanted to give him the position of First Officer as a gift, along with the promise of a real relationship. How was she to know she was sowing the seeds of her own unhappiness?

Chakotay took a deep breath and continued. "I knew there was no way I could see you casually after that. Kathryn, you don't know how hard it was to walk away from you that day. I'd missed you so much, but when you entered that room, so elated to be returning to space, I knew I had to stick by my decision."

The tears she'd been staying now flowed freely. "Why didn't you tell me that's why you refused? We could have *talked* about this! Command of *Voyager-A* meant nothing to me without you!"

Chakotay too seemed to be struggling with his own emotions as he looked at her. "Then why did you take it? Why didn't you turn it over to Tuvok or someone else?"

Kathryn swallowed, trying to regain control. "It was all I had left. You were gone, you wouldn't answer my messages. What choice did I have? Return to Indiana? Someplace else on Earth, or even another Federation world? The only place I've ever really felt at home is on a ship. At least I still had the majority of the crew. But it wasn't the same. They felt your absence as keenly as I did. Most left after that first tour. I can't say I blamed them, but I was angry. I was damned if you were going to take the last thing that mattered to me. So I stuck it out. At least until I met Michael."

"He's your husband?" Chakotay asked.

"Yes. He achieved the impossible, you know."

"How's that?"

"He got me over you. Well, on the surface, at least. I'm not going to deny there's a part of me that isn't always going care about you, but you're no longer the first thought in the morning or the last at night."

"You sound like that's a good thing," he tried to joke.

"It is," Kathryn returned, serious. "My thoughts, no, my obsession with you was consuming me. Michael found a way to bring me back to myself at a time when I desperately needed it."

"He sounds like Mark, another savior," Chakotay neutrally observed.

"I suppose he is that too. Funny you should mention Mark; I thought the same thing at first. Actually, we're quite good friends with him and his wife."

"I couldn't have done that," Chakotay said, barely whispering. "In fact it's nearly impossible talking to you like this, as if we met up at some Starfleet function, reliving the 'glory days.' Kathryn, I know you were able to move on, but I never did."

Stepping closer, she put her hand on his. "Chakotay, what are you saying?"

"Don't get me wrong, I love Elaine. She's been a wonderful wife and mother, but. . . ."

"But what?" Kathryn prompted.

"But she's not you." His voice was so quiet Kathryn was sure she'd misunderstood him, until tears started to come. He squeezed his eyes shut in an effort to stop them, but only succeeded in forcing them down his cheeks, past his ears. He took a breath, continuing.

"Do you know how guilty I've felt all these years? I feel like I've lied to Elaine since the day I met her. She was so different from you, I thought I could put you behind me; for a time I did. We had Kopec, then Topai, and later, Naya. When I was with them I thought I was truly happy. But at the oddest moments your memory would invade that happiness. I'd get so angry with myself, with you, for making me still want you. I think Elaine had an idea why I refused to talk about *Voyager* and the Delta Quadrant, but she never pressed me about it. I don't know it that makes her a saint or a fool. Then, Naya started in with her near worship of you. I have no idea where that came from, but once again I had a constant reminder of you in my life." Chaotay stopped then, drained from his long confession.

Kathryn had taken to circling the room again, unsure how to deal with this revelation. So much pain could have been avoided if only they hadn't been so stubborn. *If only*. The two words that had haunted her most of her life.

"Kathryn," Chakotay gasped, "sit down. You're making me dizzy." She smiled then. The first genuine smile she'd had since she entered the room. Hearing him tease her, she could almost forget that he lay on the bed, dying. She rejoined him, pulling up a chair so she was close to him. Taking his hand, she laced her fingers through his.

"We're the ones who have been the fools, Chakotay. Allowing our pride to stand in the way of our happiness. I'm not saying we wouldn't have ended up in the same place, but the journey here might have been easier. For both of us."

Chakotay reached over with his free hand and gently caressed her cheek, starting with her ear, drawing his twisted fingers across the slightly wrinkled skin.

"You're still so beautiful," he said, looking deep into her eyes, causing her to choke up again.

"You always did have a silver tongue," she said, voice hoarse with emotion.

"I love you, Kathryn Janeway," he said, his eyes still locked on hers. "I'm so sorry I never told you, without a story to back me up. I don't want to die without you knowing for certain how much I love you. Can you forgive me for all the pain I've caused you?"

Her tears started in earnest once more. Tears for him, for her, for lost chances and the fact they'd have no more chances. Leaning forward she kissed him, gently. Stroking his forehead with her free hand, the other still entwined with his.

"Always," she said.

*********

Kathryn was still wiping her tears as Elaine entered Chakotay's room. He'd fallen asleep soon after his disclosure, a slight smile gracing his lips, but she didn't want to leave his side. She knew she had no right to this place next to him. It belonged to Elaine. Disengaging her hand, Kathryn stood, vacating the chair for Chakotay's wife.

"He looks peaceful, " Elaine observed. "The most relaxed I've seen him in a long time. You must have resolved your differences?"

"Yes," Kathryn said, throat still tight as she looked at Chakotay sleeping on the bed. "I finally have my answers."

"I'm glad," Elaine said, sincerely. "This is the longest I've seen him go without hallucinating," she said. "At least recently. Thank you." She wasn't looking at Kathryn, obviously having difficulty reconciling that Kathryn could give him peace when she couldn't.

"You missed dinner," Elaine stated. I can fix you something if you like."

"No, thank you. I'm pretty tired myself."

Elaine turned to look at her. "Of course. I'm sorry, I should have shown you where you can rest." She gave Chakotay's arm one last pat as she rose to escort Kathryn to her room.

Opening the door she apologized. "I should have left the window open; it's a little stuffy in here."

"It's fine, really," Kathryn reassured her. "This is your room." she stated.

"It was. When Chakotay became sick, we moved him into Kopec's room; it's cooler. That's why Naya and Topai are sharing now," she explained.

"I don't want to push you out of your room, I'm sure there's someplace else I can. . ."

"There is no place else. Kiridan doesn't get a lot of visitors." Elaine's voice was almost harsh. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound as if you're not welcome. I'm worried about him. I know it's not going to be long now. I think he was only hanging on until, well, until he reconciled things, at least in his own mind. He seems to have done that."

Kathryn was at a loss for words for what seemed the hundredth time since she'd entered Elaine's home. "I think so," she managed.

"So, anyway, make yourself comfortable," Elaine brightened. "And if you need anything, just ask."

"Thank you," Kathryn said as Elaine exited the room.

It was sparsely furnished, done mostly with native items. It reminded her of the touches Chakotay had added to their shelter on New Earth, causing her to wonder how many of the objects were his creations. Sitting on the bed she pulled a pillow out from under the hand-crafted quilt. Pulling it to her chest she noticed how it smelled of Chakotay, the scent she'd always associated with him. She hadn't intentionally chosen his pillow, but she smiled, thinking she would automatically select his. She continued her perusal of the room. His life with Elaine was everywhere. Their children were no doubt conceived here. How many times had he made love to her on the bed she sat on? Suddenly she felt like an intruder sitting there. She should just ask Kopec to take her back now. But she didn't want to take him from his family when Chakotay could die at any moment. A fresh flood of tears came then, and she pressed her face to his pillow holding it to her as she hadn't been able to hold him in life. She lay back on the quilt, sobbing as she hadn't done in ages. She had to stop her morbid thoughts, after all he wasn't gone yet. Wiping her eyes she crawled under the covers, feeling more drained than she ever could remember.

*********

Kathryn rolled over, seeing something that looked like an expanse of desert. Was she looking out the window? In the distance, she saw pine-studded mountains rising above the desert floor. There was something moving, pacing back and forth on the horizon. At first she couldn't make out what it was, then it became clearer. It was a wolf. It tipped its head back and let out a low, mournful howl, but didn't come any closer, as if it were waiting. Kathryn could have sworn she heard the whisper of her name. She tried to open her eyes, but they were too heavy.

"Kathryn," the voice whispered. "I'll wait for you. Always."

She hugged the pillow closer and smiled.

The End

NODA

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