A lady in white is holding a torch, behind which a banner reads “Columbia Pictures”. As music swells and credits begin, we see Batman and Robin run in from opposite ends of the frame. They stop and look around in all directions for a few seconds, then run forward toward the camera. They stop and look around them some more. Fade to Batman and Robin conversing in their car, apparently having figured out where they are. Credits/music end.

A Dose of the Green Hornet’s Sting

A title card fills the screen. The dark cowled visage of the Wizard glares out at us. Beneath his picture, text reads “THE WIZARD…..has planted a bomb capable of destroying the J. L. Railroad train carrying the plans for the XJ7 secret military device.”

This picture is replaced by another card depicting Batman standing in front of the U.S. flag. “BATMAN…...has boarded the train in an effort to stop it before it reaches the bomb.”

A third picture comes up of Robin sporting a confident grin. “ROBIN, THE BOY WONDER….has become ensnared by an ankle trap which keeps him pinned on the railroad tracks a few scant yards away from the bomb!”

It is night and it is dark. Batman is running full speed across the top of a train car.
Robin is struggling to free his ankle. Close-up of Robin’s ankle stuck in a small version of a bear trap.
Switch to a shot of the train rushing along.
Batman slows a little as he moves across the top of the train car, swaying to keep his balance as it goes through a turn.
Robin is still trying to pull his leg free. Close-up of the bomb. The fuse on it is burning down.
Robin strains to reach the bomb, but it’s just out of reach.
Batman leaps from one train car to the next.
Robin tries to pull free of the trap again. The fuse on the bomb burns down closer. Robin looks up as he’s bathed in light from the oncoming train.

Long shot: From out of nowhere, in swings a curvy caped figure on a rope - it’s Batgirl! Close up of the bomb being snatched up by Batgirl’s hand as she sails past Robin. Switch back to long shot of the figure swinging up past the rail tracks. As she reaches the high point in her swing, she pitches the bomb out off into the distance, then swings back down towards Robin. Batgirl grabs at her belt as she does so.
On the train, Batman sees the bomb go sailing off and immediately leaps off the opposite side of the train.
Shot of an overhanging branch: Batman falls into frame, grabbing onto branch and hanging on.
Down on the ground, Batgirl pulls out her batarang, jams it into Robin’s ankle trap and twists it like a crow bar just enough for Robin to pull his leg free. The two dive from the train tracks seconds before the train goes thundering past.
Boom! goes the bomb as it explodes harmlessly somewhere off-screen.

ROBIN: Holy Cow! That was close! (the two are joined by Batman)

BATMAN: Well, it seems we are in your debt again, Batgirl.

BATGIRL: Don’t mention it, Batman; always happy to lend a hand. I’m just angry that we weren’t able to catch whoever was responsible for that bomb.

ROBIN: The coward doesn’t even have the nerve to perform his foul deeds in person!

BATMAN: How did you find out about the plot to blow up the railroad tracks, Batgirl? Robin and I only learned of it 20 minutes ago from Commissioner Gordon himself.

BATGIRL: Oh, I have my own sources, Batman. But maybe you can tell me about this XJ7 that everyone wants to get their hands on.

BATMAN: It’s a secret military device, but I’m afraid there’s no time to go into details now. To the Batmobile, Robin!

The Dynamic Duo sprint off, leaving Batgirl behind. She sighs.

Strolling the city street outside his apartment complex, the Wizard sees a moving van parked by the curb. He finds Daka leaning on his crutch and peg leg, watching the van being loaded. Daka is overseeing the transfer of his belongings from his apartment to the van. He directs several mind-controlled zombies by barking orders into a special microphone. The odd metallic headbands about their heads easily identify the zombies.

WIZARD: Well, Dr. Daka. It looks like you’re moving out.

DAKA: One year ago, I vowed to myself that not another birthday would be spent in these surroundings. For too long, life has forced me to dwell in this squalor. No more!

WIZARD: I take it that circumstances have now taken a sudden turn in your favor.

DAKA: Yes…. although not as much as they will in the near future. When next you hear of me, it will be on the front page of every newspaper in this country!

WIZARD: You don’t mean you got that disintegrator working again after all these years?

DAKA: So sorry, but I cannot stand here swapping trade secrets with you right now. Destiny awaits me! Farewell. Although we have not always been the closest of neighbors, I hope that you will find contentment in your retirement years here.
(He turns his back to the Wizard and moves away.)

INTERIOR: THE WIZARD’S SMALL APARTMENT. He is pacing angrily. We get the impression that he is upset to see Daka join the rest of Gotham’s non-institutionalized criminal population in achieving greater success than the Wizard.

WIZARD: “Retirement years”, eh?
He looks out his window. Long shot of a massive wooden crate being moved by forklift from Daka’s ground-level apartment to the van.

WIZARD: Well, why don’t we see whose metropolis-crippling device works and whose doesn’t, shall we, Daka?
He turns to a set of six black machines lined up against the wall and begins turning dials on them.
WIZARD: I see some mechanical problems in the future of a certain pretentious weasel.

Wizard continues to twirl knobs on his machine. Outside, Daka’s forklift slows to a crawl. Its arms suddenly lower the iron crate to the ground with a thud.

DAKA: (to forklift driver Harold) Be careful!

Forklift lifts the crate off ground several feet, and again drops it back to the concrete.

DAKA: Zombie! If the atom disintegrator is damaged, your miserable life will be forfeit!

Cackling, the Wizard turns some more knobs on his machine.
Outside, the arms of the forklift suddenly shoot upwards, tossing the crate into the air. It lands on the pavement with a crash and part of the box buckles. The sounds of tinkering glass and parts can be heard inside.

DAKA: NOOO!

WIZARD (calling down from his window): Problems, Daka? That’s the drawback with foreign-made products - always breaking down!

DAKA: (yelling) YOU did this somehow! Only a failure of your proportions would be so resentful of my success! Come out of that apartment, you dog, and feel the might of my wrath!

Passers-by begin stopping and pointing at the spectacle.

DAKA (into microphone): Harold! Kill him!

Daka looks at Harold, who is sitting motionless and dazed in the forklift. The zombie headpiece is missing from his head.
Close-up on Harold’s zombie headpiece hanging on a coat rack inside the Wizard’s apartment. In the background, the Wizard continues to play with his machine.
Outside, Daka is screaming in rage as the forklift repeatedly rams the damaged crate.

Alfred escorts Britt Reid into the living room.

BRUCE: Well, well, Britt Reid! Come in! It’s good to see you again. Alfred, could we get a drink for our friend?

ALFRED: Right away, sir.

BRITT: Thanks, Bruce. It’s been a long trip.

BRUCE: What brings you to Gotham this evening?

BRITT: The Daily Sentinel is planning a series of articles on why Gotham City attracts so many eccentric characters. Not only do you have a multitude of super-villains, but I understand Gotham now has five costumed crimefighters? Rock City only has two and their clothes are tastefully understated.

Bruce bristles at being characterized as “eccentric.”

BRUCE: I see that your paper of is still full of tales about this Green Hornet throwing all the crooks behind bars.

BRITT: Well, there’s never a shortage of crime over in Rock City. (Deadpan) On the other hand, as my valet was remarking this evening, the streets of Gotham seem to be filled with good, decent, clean-living individuals.

BACK AT THE APARTMENTS

DAKA (shouting): I will tear you in half and bathe in your blood!!

A small crowd starts to form, whispering amongst themselves.

At Wayne Manor, Alfred enters the room in a leisurely fashion, carrying drinks. He stops in his tracks, distracted by something he sees out the window. It is the Bat signal, hanging high in the night sky!
Alfred strides urgently over to interrupt Bruce and Britt’s conversation.

ALFRED (clears throat): Begging your pardon, Master Bruce, but the Board of the Wayne Orphans Charity Foundation called. You’re needed in a meeting right away.

BRUCE: Very good, Alfred. You might as well come too, Dick. You don’t want to pass up a chance to continue your education in the field of national philanthropy.

DICK (slaps fist against palm): Oh, boy! A…..board meeting!

BRITT (raises eyebrows): Wow! You two certainly are involved in these charities! Well, I’m too tired to be good company right now, anyway.

BRUCE: Sorry to cut short our get-together, Brit. How about lunch, tomorrow?

EXT. - PARKING LOT. Daka is still waving his crutch and hollering at the Wizard’s window. Bystanders shake their heads in disapproval

DAKA: Abandon all hopes for a future, pig! Your continued existence will be measured in scant seconds!

The Wizard is enjoying the view from his televiewer machine of Daka ranting, but then spies the Batmobile charging down the street in the distance.

INT. - THE BATMOBILE

ROBIN: Gosh, I hope that dastardly Daka’s up to more than just disturbing the peace! I’d sure like an excuse to throw him behind bars!

BATMAN: Yes, it's a shame we couldn't prove those geisha girls who attacked us worked for him.

ROBIN: Look, there he is now! Over by that van!

The Batmobile suddenly begins swerving as it nears the apartment building. It continues at a high speed.

ROBIN: Batman! What’s wrong?

People scatter as the car rockets towards them. Brief shot of the Wizard in his apartment working the controls of his machine.

BATMAN: The Batmobile! It’s out of my control! The steering wheel won’t respond!

Through the Batmobile’s windshield we see the front of the moving van rushing up to meet them.

BATMAN: Robin! Jump clear!

The Caped Crusaders crouch, then leap clear of the speeding car. The Batmobile turns so sharply that the falling Batman lands right back in the driving seat instead of on the ground! Quick shot of Batman standing on the seat, looking surprised at his landing spot.
The car suddenly lurches to a complete halt, sending the off-balance Batman flying headfirst through the windshield of the moving van.
>SMASH!<
There is a stunned silence from the crowd. The inverted Batman’s legs kick weakly in the air. Then the crowd gathers around the moving van as the sound of sirens fills the air. Robin helps the stunned Batman extricate himself from the windshield. Batman is barely conscious and clearly in pain. A burly man wearing a shirt bearing the name “Monard Movers” slowly exits from the back of the truck. He has a zombie headpiece on his head.

DAKA (into microphone): Brian. Listen carefully. You will quietly approach the Boy Wonder and eliminate him.

Brian the mover lumbers menacingly towards Robin, who is kneeling as he tends to the dazed Batman. Suddenly a hand from behind yanks off the zombie’s headpiece!
Brian stops and stands frozen in place. Chief O’Hara is standing behind him with the headpiece in hand.

O’HARA: All right, fella, pay attention. There’ll be plenty of time to listen to Chad and Jeremy tunes on your newfangled headset later. Right now I’ll be needing you to give me some room. You’re standing in the middle of a crime scene.

Through his televiewer in his apartment, the Wizard watches what’s transpiring outside. He walks over to turn off the controls on his machines, then exits the room. He emerges outside on the street moments later.

O’HARA (trying to figure out how to cuff the one-handed doctor): Doctor Daka, you’ll be spending the rest of your conniving days behind bars for this!

WIZARD: Wait! Don’t arrest that man! He’s innocent!

O’HARA: Here and just who might you be in that outfit?

WIZARD: I am a scientist and reformed super-villain. I wear these clothes as a constant reminder of the price I had to pay for my former nefarious ways. You have the wrong man there, Chief.

DAKA: Yes. If you do not believe the Wizard, you may ask any of these good bystanders, officer. I am completely innocent in this.

O’HARA (gesturing at the destruction around him): Well, what’s all this, then?

DAKA: Ahh, there is a saying: Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. I am afraid this is proven true yet again.

WIZARD: (points at Batman) There is the man you should be arresting!

DAKA: The Batman has continually harassed me since I rightfully filed a lawsuit after his long pattern of persecution against me.

ROBIN: What persecution, you oily devil!

DAKA: Allow me to refresh your memory, Boy Wonder: breaking and entering, damage to personal property, throwing a man to a pit full of alligators in retaliation for a minor immigration infraction…I believe the papers my attorney has filed are quite clear. Oh, yes, and your automobile is not handicapped accessible.

WIZARD: It wasn’t meant to be driven by people who are drunk, either.

O’HARA: Drunk?!

WIZARD: Yes, drunk! Come now, Chief O’Hara, look around you. Surely you know the results of all-night drinking binge when you see it. Is this the way sober people drive?

O’Hara looks at the stalled Batmobile. He seems confused by the Wizard’s statements and distracted by the bystanders whispering urgently behind him.

WIZARD: It’s bad enough that the Caped Crusaders set such a poor example for youngsters everywhere, but when they endanger the lives of innocent people with their inebriated antics, the law needs to put a end to it!

Members of the crowd nod soberly in agreement. Robin’s mouth drops open in disbelief.

INT. - DAKA’S NEAR-EMPTY APARTMENT. It is sometime later. Daka is having a bulletin board full of lethal prosthetic limb attachments removed from his back room. He peruses the selection of “hands” still mounted on the wall.

WIZARD: …and it’s applications are endless! So, what do you think of my proposal?

DAKA: Well, it does seem that I am in your debt, Wizard. Perhaps I was a bit hasty in judging you.

WIZARD: I’m not the type to meddle in someone else’s affairs, Doctor. You know I would never hold your successes against you.

DAKA (examining a ball and chain hand): Although it is odd that you claim responsibility for the mechanical failure of the Batmobile, but not responsibility for the failure of my forklift and zombie just a few moments earlier.

WIZARD: You were obviously the victim of one of Batman’s little belt gadgets. If I hadn’t put him in the hospital, he would probably be pulling some stunt like that every week.

DAKA: Perhaps Batman has deduced from our last encounter that the headband is the Achilles heel of my zombie servants.

WIZARD: If last night had gone as planned, you’d really be in my debt right now. I came this close to obliterating Batman and his sidekick. I let it be publicly known that an incoming train was about to be blown up, and they fell right into my trap. They’d be piles of ashes right now if not for that Batgirl.

DAKA: Why would you dynamite a train when your machine could simply force it off the tracks?

WIZARD: Although I am very close to perfecting the remote control device, right now it has a limited range.

DAKA (selecting and putting on a large razor hand, examining it thoughtfully): It is just as well that you did not succeed. My lawsuit against the Caped Crusaders will be difficult to benefit from if they are not alive to pay me. I am going to see to it that Batman pays an arm and a leg for what happened to my arm and leg.

WIZARD: Once the remote control machine is back to full power, you’ll find that its applications are…

DAKA: Endless, yes. Very well. Your proposal of an alliance is acceptable to me.

WIZARD (watching the movers return for another load): Why not just stay in your apartment? Then all of our equipment would be in one location. This building isn’t that bad - I hear they allow cats and dogs now.

DAKA: I concluded long ago that it was best to avoid locations with pets.

WIZARD: What do you care? Are you worried about the health or sanitation of the place?

DAKA (looking at his prosthetic hand): Health reasons…yes.

Batman is lying in a hospital bed in traction. Robin is watching over him. Door opens and in strides Kato wearing in his black mask and fighting gear. He nods a greeting.

ROBIN: The Green Hornet’s henchman! (yanks Batarang out of his belt)

BATMAN: On your guard, Robin! I think we both know who’ll be walking through that door next.

Door opens again and Batgirl and the Green Hornet bump into each other as they enter the room at the same time.

GREEN HORNET: Oh, pardon me.

BATGIRL: Hello. My name’s Batgirl. What’s yours?

Instead of replying, the Hornet opens his hand to reveal something to Batgirl. Close-up of a circular seal with his name emblazoned on it.

BATGIRL (reading): “The Green Hornet!”

ROBIN (to Kato): Where’s your button?

KATO: No button.

ROBIN: I guess some members of your little gang don’t quite rate a button, do they?

KATO: At least I get to wear pants.

GREEN HORNET (clears throat)…. and this is my partner, Kato.

BATGIRL: Pleased to meet you both.

BATMAN: Careful, Batgirl. These men are wanted by the law.

GREEN HORNET: Hold on just a minute. The only reason we’re here is to help you, Batman. When we heard that you were injured in action, we flew down to see if we could lend some assistance. If you’re going up against both the Wizard and Dr. Daka, you’re going to need it.

BATMAN: That’s generous, but a bit premature. To begin with, we’re still not sure whether this is the work of both arch-fiends or just one.

ROBIN: Plus we know for a fact that Daka and the Wizard couldn’t stand living near one another.

BATMAN: True, although Daka’s change in address may have made collaboration between our two miscreants more tolerable.

ROBIN: Those two always hated each other! How could they be partners?

GREEN HORNET: Grudges don’t last forever, Boy Wonder. Our presence here is proof of that.

ROBIN: We didn’t try to apprehend you because of a grudge! We went after you because you two are wanted crooks!

GREEN HORNET: Then why were we both on the same side in battling Colonel Gumm?

BATGIRL: I think we should hear them out, Robin.

BATMAN: We’ve got to admit that Dr. Daka’s change in address certainly makes it impossible for you to keep track of both the Wizard and Daka by yourself, Robin.

BATGIRL: Well, now there’s four of us instead of just Robin. That’s two heroes to trail each villain.

GREEN HORNET: Ehh…no offense, Batgirl, but aren’t you a little inexperienced to be jumping into this type of situation?

BATGIRL: Oh, I’ve tangled with Daka before, Green Hornet. I’m no amateur.

GREEN HORNET: I guess I owe you an apology then. I haven’t been keeping up on the latest developments in Gotham.

BATGIRL: As a matter of fact, crime fighting runs in my family!

GREEN HORNET: What a coincidence! Mine, too. Did you know that my great uncle was the Lone Ranger?

BATGIRL: Really? That’s interesting - we have a lot in common.

KATO (to Batgirl): So, do you and Robin want to track Dr. Daka or the Wizard?

BATMAN: Actually, in this case, it might be prudent to have each of our out-of-town guests paired up with a member of the “home team”, so to speak…..just so we can keep close tabs on each other.

GREEN HORNET (shakes his head): You still don’t trust us…..but that’s your choice. As far as your proposal, no objections here.

BATGIRL: Sounds fine by me.

GREEN HORNET: Batgirl and I will find out what Doctor Daka’s up to. You two keep tabs on the Wizard.

KATO (getting edgy): But…are you sure this is wise?

GREEN HORNET: We’ve got to show the Dynamic Duo that we have nothing to hide, Kato. (turns to Batgirl) Now, perhaps you’d like to have a look at my car. I named it the Black Beauty because…
(as Green Hornet escorts Batgirl out of shot, camera pans over to Robin and Kato eyeing each other warily)

INT - THE BATMOBILE. Robin is driving, with Kato in the passenger seat.

ROBIN (breaking the silence): So! The Green Hornet is the Lone Ranger’s great nephew. And you must be related to Tonto.

KATO (takes a long look at him): No.

ROBIN: Do you use that word “kemosabe” a lot?

KATO: Of course not.

ROBIN: That’s too bad. That would have been a neat tradition to keep going. Kemosabe means…

KATO: I know what it means.

ROBIN: .…"trusty scout.” Batman and I have a phrase like that. He always calls me “old chum.”

Kato has no comment.

Robin picks up Bat phone, dials a number.

ROBIN: Hello? Monard Movers? This is Robin, the Boy Wonder. I need your help on a case Batman and I are working on. (pause) Yesterday a truck of yours was at the apartments at 1506 Irony Lane. I need to know the destination that the belongings from that address were being delivered to. (pause) 1804 Powers Way? That’s just a few blocks away. Thank you very much for that information. You’re a credit to your community.

BRIAN THE MOVER (headband in place, on the phone with Robin): You are….welcome. Goodbye.

DAKA (into microphone as he stands behind Brian): You have done well, zombie. Robin would have been wise to wait until Batman had recovered sufficiently to accompany him in his investigation. So sad that the boy will be all alone at the address you have helpfully provided. I must attend to my new hideout now. First, we will gather your fellow zombies…

Close-up of sign reading, “LACEY’S DEPARTMENT STORE - THE PLACE TO GO WHEN YOU JUST DON’T KNOW.” We hear a man’s voice scream in terror off-camera.
Switch to close-up of well-groomed Mr. Knite. His mouth is still open in mid-scream, but his expression has gone blank and his eyes stare ahead without focusing. One real and one prosthetic hand come into shot and place a headband around his head.

DR. DAKA: There, you see, Mr. Knite, I told you that you would grow to like my zombie chair. Look at what a calming affect it has on you. (speaking into microphone while placing some papers in front of Knite) Now, please to sign these papers.
Knite obediently signs his name.
DAKA: You have made a very wise choice, Mr. Knite. What better people could you choose to run your store than the Wizard and myself?

WIZARD (laughs): Mr. Knite is obviously a very shrewd businessman.

Door opens, in walks Mr. Threedy.

THREEDY: What on earth was that scream?

DAKA: Ah, pleased to meet you. I am Mr…Miller, the new after-hours store manager.

THREEDY: I’m Mr. Threedy, assistant manager. Why is Mr. Knite wearing a headband?

DAKA: Excuse, please. I must use the restroom.

Daka conceals his microphone and hobbles behind some curtains.

THREEDY: What have you done to Mr. Knite? What’s this strange iron chair he’s sitting in?

WIZARD: You ask a lot of questions, Mr. Threedy. I don’t like people who ask questions.

THREEDY: Who are you supposed to be?

KNITE (speaking in a zombie daze, obviously repeating Daka’s off-camera orders): This…is Mr.…. Jeeman. He is…. the…other…after-hours store manager.

THREEDY: Why is he wearing a cape and mask?

KNITE: He is…. trying on…. some of our…New Year’s fashions.

THREEDY: In all black? For New Year’s?

KNITE: Return…to your work…Threedy.

THREEDY: I don’t know what’s going on here, but I’m going to find out! (stomps off)

EXT - BUILDING. The Batmobile pulls up in front of it. Robin and Kato exit the car and approach the structure.

ROBIN: This is the place. And the fellow from the movers said that these folks were very protective and secretive about the contents of one of the boxes.

KATO: Where are we?

ROBIN: Here’s a sign. “J. Cotte Dumbbell Supplies”. The door’s locked. Doesn’t look like anyone’s here.

KATO: Stand back.

He yells and sidekicks the door open; they start to enter.

ROBIN: Wait a minute! I just thought of something! (Kato stops and looks at him) Tonto’s horse was the opposite color of the Lone Ranger’s! And since the Green Hornet has a black car, I’ll bet that you have an all-white car! (pause) I’m right, aren’t I - I can tell by your expression.

KATO: You check the boxes on the left. I will check the boxes on the right.

ROBIN: I’ve got my own car, you know. I call it the Redbird.

Kato ignores him.

ROBIN: It’s best if you stay within my sight, Kato. No offense, but when a guy has a crook for a partner, he can’t be too careful. No funny business, now.

On the floor of the department store, Daka is sitting in a wheel chair looking at a made-over Wizard. Now minus his cloak and hood, the Wizard is a balding man wearing a white jacket that denotes a worker in the service industry.

DAKA: Very nice.

WIZARD (angry): I don’t see why I can’t just wear my usual outfit.

DAKA: You and I must avoid drawing attention to ourselves.

WIZARD: I really don’t think the cloak’s that noticeable.

DAKA: We are no longer in the old neighborhood, Wizard. We will be dealing with members of the capitalist upper class now. Such a costume would instantly put them on their guard. You will blend in much better by resuming your old role of servant to the handicapped. Fortunately, my disability provides you with someone to serve.

WIZARD: It’s true that I played the role of Professor Hammil’s butler - and I hated every minute of it!

DAKA (waves his hand dismissively): You must admit, it is the only task that you have consistently displayed an aptitude for.

Close-up on Wizard. He looks highly annoyed. Before he can respond, Mr. Threedy barges up.

THREEDY: Would you mind explaining to me what’s going on around here? Why are the mirrors being removed from the dressing room area?

DAKA: Ah, they will be needed for my room of mirrors.

THREEDY: Lacey’s doesn’t have a “room of mirrors!”

DAKA: Not yet.

THREEDY: Why have all the store’s male mannequins been replaced by mannequins standing in violent, warlike poses? (he paces around the showroom, pointing at the various mannequins.)

DAKA: No. Not warlike - they are…playing golf. You have only to place golf clubs in their hands to see how obvious this is.

He snaps his fingers at Wizard and points in the direction of Tweedy. The Wizard grumbles something under his breath, but he obligingly wheels Daka around the room with Threedy.

THREEDY: Golf? All of them?

DAKA (gestures to the Wizard): My assistant’s research has showed that golf is the pastime of the vast majority of our male customers.

THREEDY: Well, why do some of them have streaks of mold on their heads? Where have you been storing them - the sewer? And why are all the new mannequins oriental? I’d love to see the market research that arrived at those conclusions!

DAKA: Nonsense, they are not all oriental. Here is one right here that is Caucasian.

Threedy looks behind him at a mannequin of aging years and bulging muscles wearing a Native American Indian headdress and holding a golf club.

THREEDY: Ha! So you’ve got 19 oriental mannequins and one old, white mannequin playing golf in an Indian hat! Sheer genius! I don’t know why I didn’t think of it earlier!

DAKA (to Wizard): Is he mocking me?

WIZARD (menacingly): The doctor wants to know if you’re mocking him.

THREEDY: No, I’m not mocking - I’m quitting! And so have half of the salespeople in apparel! This is the most bizarre management Lacey’s has seen in fifty years! And I’m going to be giving the owners a phone call to see what they think of your brand of management. We’ll see what they have to say about this!

WIZARD: Why don’t you calm down and just relax. There’s a nice comfy chair in the back.

THREEDY: Oh, no thank you. I’ll just stay away from your iron chair if you don’t mind. But maybe the police would like to have a look at it.

DAKA: Wunga…

The Caucasian mannequin seemingly comes to life and savagely brains Threedy in the head with the golf club. Threedy drops like a rock. Wunga resumes his mannequin pose.

WIZARD: Good Lord! Where did you get him?

DAKA: Mr. Wunga served me for many years in the Emperor’s battle against the forces of evil. He comes from a long line of men who made their living serving as human statue guards for conquering individuals of destiny such as myself.

WIZARD: Why haven’t I ever seen him before?

DAKA: The Batman’s treachery of years past separated us and I feared Mr. Wunga was lost forever. When I finally located him last month, he had been reduced by this wretched society to accepting work as a cigar store Indian. Quickly now, drag this insolent Yankee to the back room and zombify him.

WIZARD: He didn’t hear you.

DAKA: I am talking to you, “servant”. Mr. Wunga must stay here to maintain his role as an innocent mannequin not worthy of anyone’s attention. One more thing (he snatches four hats from the store shelf) take these with you. We will need them.

WIZARD: For what?

DAKA: There is no time to explain. Let us just say that I have ambitious plans for this establishment’s hat department.

EXT - LACEY’S DEPT. STORE. We see a moving van pulling away from the loading dock. Inside sit zombies Brian, Mr. Knite, and Harold. All three are wearing the fedoras, which conceal their zombie headbands. The truck pulls into the street, heading for the dumbbell factory.

INT. - THE DUMBBELL FACTORY. Robin and Kato are on opposite sides of a large room. They grimace as they lift and move large boxes of dumbbells. There are opened boxes strewn all around each of them.

ROBIN: Well, at least we’re making headway. We’ve checked more than half the boxes.

KATO: You see? When you give it a chance, you find that we are really on the same side.

ROBIN: Just a minute, Kato. Even if I ignore the fact that every other crook in Gotham claims to be innocent too, I still don’t get it. You say you and the Green Hornet are crime fighters. Well, how come you two have never managed to clear yourselves in all these years? Heck, I don’t think you’re even trying. I used to hear a whole lot about you two, but hardly anything in the last few years. You know what that says to me? No drive, no commitment - the telltale attributes of the criminal mind!

KATO (reaching for another box): I suggest we concentrate quietly on our task at hand.

ROBIN: Fine with me.

KATO: Quietly. With no talking.

Batgirl drops down in front of a chain link fence. Green Hornet lands beside her and looks around to see if they’ve been spotted. Both crouch low and work their way around the perimeter of the fence. They pass several moving vans before stopping at one with a large hole in the windshield.

BATGIRL: This has to be the truck that Batman was thrown through! Maybe they left some clues inside.

They open the back doors to the van and look inside.

GREEN HORNET: Empty. But at least we know the truck number now. Why don’t we see what the office records show as this thing’s destination when it left Daka’s apartment?

They warily approach the office, which is dark. Batgirl tries the door to the office. It’s locked.

GREEN HORNET: My Sting will take care of that.

He touches one end of what appears to be a walking cane to the doorknob. Sparks and smoke result and the door flies open.

BATGIRL (watching in admiration): Handy!
The sign says they’re open until 10:00. I wonder where everyone is?

The moving van pulls up outside the dumbbell warehouse. Brian, Harold and Mr. Knite exit the vehicle. Robin and Kato emerge from the warehouse. They are slumped over in fatigue and their arms are hanging at their sides.

ROBIN (panting): I don’t understand. I’m sure this is the right address. But there's not a thing in any of those boxes.

KATO: Except dumbbells.

He sees the trio of fedora-wearing zombies approaching them.

KATO: Hey, what do you guys want?

The zombies keep coming forward. Robin and Kato glance at each other and get into fighting stances. Band music starts as Brian throws the first punch, which Robin ducks. Kato blocks a blow from Harold.

DAKA: (into microphone) Harold. Mr. Knite. Brian. Kill the boy. But you are to take the Asian man alive.

WIZARD: Why? What’s happening? (he takes a turn looking into the televiewer)

DAKA: Our mysterious friend in black wears a hat as part of his attire.

WIZARD: Well, you’re the one with the birthday tomorrow. He should make the perfect present.

Robin jabs a right into Brian’s nose >POW!<
Unfazed, the zombie hits him in the forehead.
Kato is planted in a crouch, arms constantly moving, as Harold and Mr. Knite approach cautiously from opposite sides.
Brian throws another punch at Robin, who blocks with his arm, but is thrown back by the impact.
As Harold and Mr. Knite get to within a few feet, Kato leaps in the air and simultaneously kicks both zombies in the chin.
Robin dodges another of Brian’s punches, then grabs the brim of his hat and yanks it down over his face.
Kato lands a spinning back kick on Harold’s head, sending him toppling and his fedora flying off.

ROBIN (seeing Harold’s now-visible headband): Aha! I knew it! These stooges are super-strong zombies under the control of Dr. Daka!

BACK TO DAKA, watching all this transpire on the televiewer. He shakes his prosthetic hook in exasperation.

Robin begins wearing Brian down, throwing one roundhouse after another >SOCK!< >SMACK!<
Kato leaps into the air, and chops Knite in the back of the neck on the way down. Harold is advancing behind Kato, a dumbbell in his raised hand. Harold never sees the batarang that caroms off of his skull. He goes down in a heap.
Completing the throw, Robin wheels back towards Brian, backhanding him with his throwing arm.
>POW!<
Brian staggers and falls.

WIZARD (looking through televiewer): It looks like you’ll have to choose another birthday present.

DAKA: Bah! Those zombies were worthless - easily replaceable! (stomps off angrily)

Robin and Kato catch their breath, the fight apparently ended.

ROBIN: Did you hear that? When I hit him, there was a clear “Pow” sound.

KATO: What?

ROBIN: Look, there was no mistaking it! You could hear it all the way to the next block!

KATO (pause): So?

ROBIN: Now go ahead and hit this guy.

Knite is rising from the ground, fists clenched. Kato promptly finishes him off with a straight kick to the face.

ROBIN: Well, I heard something there, but nothing crisp and clear. Do you know why? Because your style is sloppy!

KATO: What!? He’s out cold!

ROBIN: If you were doing it correctly, there would be an unmistakable “Thwop” or “Whack”, not just some vague noise. Of course, you don’t have to worry about it. Batman trained me how to do it correctly, and I can teach you.

KATO (seeing red): You’re going to teach me?! (walks away)

ROBIN: Where are you going?

KATO: To ask Batman how making “Pow” noises kept him from ending up in a hospital.

ROBIN: Hey! Are you making fun of an injured man?

KATO: You “experts” don’t need my help.

ROBIN (shouting after the departing Kato): Do you know why you don’t have your own button with your name on it? Because you don’t deserve one! And I don’t you think really have your own all-white car, either!

Wizard watches Robin start tying up the unconscious zombies. Wizard leaves the televiewer and we now see that his remote control machine has been transplanted to the department store back room.

Robin hears the Batmobile motor starting. He heads for the car.

ROBIN: Kato? That’s not your car! (Batmobile begins driving off without him. Robin takes off in pursuit) Hey! Come back here!

Batmobile obediently stops and suddenly backs up towards the charging Boy Wonder. Robin is trying to skid to a stop when the Batmobile slams into his hip, tossing him off to one side. He’s hurled into a group of garbage cans with such force that he is knocked unconscious.

Chuckling, the Wizard turns off the remote control machine and picks up Daka’s microphone.

WIZARD: Mr. Threedy. (the zombified store employee approaches) Take a car and go to 1804 Powers Way. There you will retrieve the boy Robin. Although the address is only a few blocks away, you’ll have to hurry before the police arrive. (Threedy exits)

Close-up on Robin slowly coming back to his senses. He finds himself all trussed up in an office chair. He looks up to see the Wizard holding a large, multi-layered cake.

WIZARD: Hungry, Boy Wonder? The new zombie certainly is!

The Wizard raises his arms and hurls the immense cake onto the Boy Wonder. The chair, mounted on wheels, rolls backward from the impact.

Later, Daka limps into darkened loading dock and looks for the lights - which suddenly blaze on to reveal the Wizard and Mr. Threedy, both wearing party hats.

WIZARD/ THREEDY: Surprise!

They begin singing “Happy Birthday”, with the zombie’s halting rendition missing every third word.
Daka is speechless.

WIZARD: …to youuuuu! (into the microphone) Let the doctor see his birthday cake.

Threedy rolls out the chair-bound Robin, whose waist and stomach are covered in the severely-damaged cake. Robin struggles to free his wrists from the chair armrests.

DAKA: Ha! Excellent! However, that is a very sorry-looking excuse for a cake you have brought me, Wizard. And is it not customary for the cake’s attachments to be burning?

WIZARD (into the zombie microphone): Dr. Daka is absolutely right. Bring out the candles for our cake!

Threedy approaches carrying two sticks of dynamite, which are then taped into the struggling Robin’s open palms. The Wizard strikes a match and lights each stick.

WIZARD: Now, Doctor, would you like to make a wish and blow out the candles? What? You can’t think of anything to wish for? Oh, well. (into microphone) The doctor already has everything he could wish for, so we can just throw this cake out. Roll it down the loading ramp!

A panicked Robin is futilely trying to shake the dynamite out of his taped hands as Threedy rolls the Boy Wonder’s chair up to the edge of the steep loading ramp.

Back to the Batgirl Bat-Trap Homepage!