Series: Voy, Emotional Baggage
Rating: PG
Codes: P, J, Implied P/T
Summary: Tom and Janeway come to terms withAdmiral Paris. This is the third of three stories. The others are Unforseen Consequences and Losing a Hero.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns the Star Trek Universe. I own my story. I just took the chracters out to play for fun, not for profit. Warning: Some more emotional blood letting.
Thanks to Monica who proofed this story and helped make it readable.
Growing Up
Copyright by Jan Monroe 1998
Tom was dressing for his bridge shift. B'Elanna had an engineering department meeting and had left over an hour ago. He had enjoyed his two days off. He wasn't sure why Janeway had ordered him to take the time off but he wasn't going to complain. His situation with Janeway had confused him since he had awoken in Sickbay from his nap. She had been in Sickbay when he awoke but she would not make eye contact with him.
According to Doc, he had a nightmare while with the Captain in the cell. Tom wasn't surprised. The nightmares had been a regular occurrence in his life since childhood. The prison psychologist had labeled them a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the shuttle accident. Tom knew the nightmares were a fixture in his life before the crash but the psychologist didn't believe him...called it rationalizing, playing down the importance of the crash. Tom readily admitted that the joke was on him. His parents had projected the image of the perfect parents. They were so good at it that no one believed Tom about his life.
He no longer woke B'Elanna screaming every night. All he had to do was to cuddle close to her when he became restless and it helped stop the nightmare. Just knowing that she was there helped tremendously. It was the first time he had someone somone so close to him whocared. Well, that's not exactly true, he remembered being six and waking from a nightmare. He snuck into bed with his sister Kathleen. She was a grown up, about 10 years old, and she chased the bad dreams away. That had lasted less than six months until Moira told on them. After that his father had locked him in his room every night. Moira had been sorry later but at the time she had only wanted to divert attention from her own misdeeds. Tom did figure out how to deactivate the lock but had never again went to anyone after a nightmare. It was too dangerous.
"Enough!" he told himself out loud, silently adding, 'enough bad memories and pain. Focus on right now.' That was how he lived. He could even plan a few days in advance now. Before the brig time, he could plan up to six months in advance. His time on Voyager had finally given him a sense that he had some control of his life. Now, he was slowly rebuilding it.
He would never admit it but being locked up didn't cause the nightmares, it was the isolation. Being alone was his biggest fear, it was a conditioned response to his father's behavior. If they were alone than his father would let loose with insults, belittling everything that Tom did. But, if anyone was there he be would be the picture perfect Dad. Learning charm had been a strategy to pull people in. He had felt alone in the crowd but the crowd was protection.
He had caught a glimpse of Janeway at dinner yesterday. She had given him a strange look. He wasn't sure how to describe it. It was a mixture of pity, pride, indecision and self-doubt. That look was as far from her normal command expression as day was to night. He knew that something was happening with her but not sure exactly what.
Harry told him about Janeway going to her ready room and hearing her and Chakotay arguing later. When she finally came out, she had looked shocked. Harry didn't hear enough to know what the argument was about but it was a big blow out. Tom was curious but not enough to ask about it. He had told the Captain more about his life than he had ever intended. Tom admitted that he had grasped his philosophy of life early... 'Laugh and the universe laughs with you, cry and the universe laughs at you'...better to be the clown than the victim. He refused to think of himself in those terms.
Tom was not impressed with Neelix's breakfast. It was edible, no more, no less. It looked like rice cereal but tasted like corn flakes. It at least had a familiar taste. It was a little strange to eat cornflakes without thecrunch.
Tom smiled, back to work. Today he was on Bridge duty. Flying was very therapeutic, at least that was what he keep telling the Doctor. He wasstarting to hate the way that Doc would hover when he was working in sickbay. The first two months after the brig Doc acted like Tom was a patient rather than a worker. Now it was more like half and half. Doc treated him like he was made of glass. Doc should know better, he had patched Tom back together too many times not to know that he was just a human as most of the crew. He didn't think that he was any more fragile than anyother member of the crew.
The morning passed quickly and quietly on the Bridge. It felt strange to him. All the talking was in whispers when anyone talked at all. He and Harry had sent several messages back and forth but had not spoken. He had turned several times to look at the Captain. He kept getting the feeling that someonewas staring at him and she was the only one there.
After lunch her mood changed, she had made a decision.
"Mr. Paris, report to my ready room after your shift," she ordered. She rose, formally gave the bridge to Tuvok and retired to her ready room.
Seeing Tom this morning had finally crystallized her objectives. She may have been devoted to his father but Admiral Paris was a long way away and Tom was a member of her crew. She had a responsibility to Tom. She had reviewed his records, including his academy records. As she had read through the evaluations, she thought that they were talking about someone else. Not one of the evaluators had even bothered to get to know him.
Tom had proven over and over again that he would die for her. He had hurt her with his action on the water world. In a way it was payback. She had used him in so many ways. She had sent him into situations that would have been certain death to others but he came back. Every time he came back, she would send him out on more and more dangerous assignments. No wonder he played in that silly "Captain Proton" holoprogram. At least there no one was sending him to face death, again and again.
After all of her reading, she was angry. Not at Tom and not really at his father but at Starfleet. No one had tried to save Tom. The Admiral had worked at headquarters surrounded with mental heath professionals and medical personnel. They allowed him to continue with his obsession even though some one should have seen it. It was their job!
She finally came to the realization that she would never totally reconcile the two very different sides Admiral Paris. She had tried but with limited success. What she had discovered was that she had a hero with feet of clay. She needed to accept that he had flaws and Tom had only seen the bad parts. She had continued with her research and had found herself admiring Tom. He had survived, he was functional and he was still able to love.
He had problems which included a distrust of authority. He expected anyone that had authority over him to use him, and eventually try to destroy him. She had played right into that mold. She had never considered just how close she came to abusing him. She had taken his talent for getting out alive for granted. Since Tom had become the Doctor's assistant, he had been unavailable for some of the away missions. They had changed the missions because without him it was considered too dangerous. That should have set off alarms for the entire command staff but nothing. It worried her slightly that they would depend on someone so much that they just assumed that he would do the job as needed. That was not how starships were supposed to operate. They had unknowingly made him indispensable.
She had finally decided what she had to do, now all she had to do was get through this meeting. She glanced at the chronometer, five minutes.
She walked over the replicater, "One set of lieutenant j.g. pips."
A small blue case appeared, she picked it up and opened the case. She smiled slightly, brand new, shiny pips...she remembered getting hers, the feeling of pride. She hoped that Tom would react the same way as he did four, almost five years ago when she had first made him a lieutenant. She was brought back to reality with the sound of the door opening.
"Tom, have a seat. We have some issues to discuss," She started.
He took his seat without a word. He looked slightly embarrassed. She smiled but realized that this conversation was going to be harder than she had planned. He was not going to help. She took a deep breath and began, "After our discussion three days ago, I decided to prove you wrong. I thought that I could do some research and prove that your father was not as bad as you claimed."
She wasn't prepared for his reaction, laughter. She continued, "What I found wasn't the evidence I needed. I found a father that talked about his son's record breaking career in Starfleet as a given from the time he was six. I found what to me is clear evidence that your father was obsessed with your flying. I also found a child whose talents were exploited to further the goals of others."
He seat there passively. She continued, hoping he would start talking to her, "I talked to Chakotay. He suggested I review your records, all of them. I must congratulate you, your academy records were the most entertaining I have ever read."
Her gambit finally worked. "Thank you, why?"
"You were called 'brilliant', and 'marginal.' One evaluator even called you a 'lazy kid who was riding on his family name.' I guess he didn't realize you had already done more to promote the family name than the previous three generations. Your leadership skills were also the subject of wide opinion. Let's see if I can remember 'he does not have not leadership ability. When placed in command situations, he made inappropriate comments. He was extremely lucky that the simulation was completed as assigned.' Tom what did you do?"
"I told a few jokes. I was nervous, the other cadets were nervous and it helped. What Professor Thoak doesn't mention in that review was that we had the highest score for the exercises in six years." Tom told her, not particularly enjoying this walk down memory lane.
She moved on, "I reviewed your record here on Voyager. Do you realize that you have been seriously injured no less than 21 times in five years requiring stays in sickbay for 24 hours or more?"
"Voyager isn't the safest post in Starfleet," Tom countered. He knew that he got hurt often. He had broken one rib in the same place on three different occasions. According to Doc, it would never heal to be as strong as his other ribs.
"No, but compared to the rest of the crew, you have been hurt more than twice as often as any other crew member. You have spent more than three times as much time on sick call as any other member of this crew."
Tom smiled, so his injury prone activities was what this meeting was all about. "I'll exercise more caution in the future."
"That will be a relief. I really called you in here to apologize. I assumed that you were just angry with your father and that anger was coloring your perception of him. I know now that you actually have a better view of your father than I had. After doing my research, I realized that you were lucky to function as well as you do," she babbled.
"I don't understand why you're telling me about this. I never tried to change your mind about the Admiral," Tom was uncomfortable about all this attention. He had to admit that he had been tired and angry after his time in the brig. Most of his anger had been about her attitude toward him and his father. It's not easy to live with someone that held you up to their hero and found you lacking. Of course, he had always been found lacking when compared to his father.
"No, you have always let my attitude slide. I was trying to change your attitude only to find that mine was the real problem. The reason I had to talk to you about this is that you have worked so hard to redeem yourself, only to have me keep comparing you to someone that I now know had many more flaws than I wanted to admit. I know that getting to be an admiral takes nerve, talent and a willingness to use others but I never realized that your father was willing to use you," she still found this disturbing.
"He was willing to use anyone to make admiral. After all, it was a family tradition," Tom was even more uncomfortable with this. She looked like she had lost her best friend. "I came to terms with that a long time ago."
"I still haven't. I spent so much time thinking that he was a great officer--a great man..."she trailed off. "Now, I have to realize that he may have been a great officer but he was not a great man and he should never have been a father. After reading through all your records and the news reports about your family, I had only one question."
"What?" Tom asked.
"Where was your mother in all this? Why didn't she protect you?"
That was really two questions but Tom didn't comment on it. "Mom was there, always on the fringes. She was always busy with her work or one of her groups or my sisters. She kind of just let my father do what he wanted with me. I think that she was intimidated by the flying. World acclaimed proteges are not the easiest kids to raise."
She laughed, he talked about his mother and her distance from him and his problems with his father as if that was the way all moms were. She suddenly stopped. He didn't know that it was different from most other families. She suddenly flashed onto a new idea, he had no expectations about people. He expected to be hurt and ignored. That did upset her. No one should have such low expectations from life. "How long do you think that your relationship with B'Elanna is going to last?"
"I don't know." This sudden jump in subject had caught him off guard. "I don't really trust love but we have lots of other things going for us. If I may be so blunt, why are we here?"
"My research made me realize just how little I appreciated what you do on this ship. Most of the members of this crew have one full time job, you have closer to three: flying Voyager, running the conn and navigation department, and working part-time in sickbay. I also realized that you were overdue for a promotion," she paused, taking a deep breath. "I also learned that you regularly put in more hours a week than B'Elanna. You just hide your workaholic tendencies better than she does."
He was waiting, not exactly expectantly, but he hoped that all this talk of work and promotion was going to lead somewhere.
She picked up the blue case and handed it to him. "These are yours. Also you are not to put in more than 60 hours a week. By most standards that is still too many hours but it is your limit. Also I found a stretch of 16 days with bridge duty, with five double shifts in sickbay. The only way anyone on this ship should work that long is in emergencies. I had better not find another stretch such as that one."
Tom flipped open the box to find the rank pips. He was again a Lieutenant. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Dismissed."
"Yes, Ma'am." He acknowledged cheerfully. This was not how he thought this conversation would end but he was happy to get his rank back.
She waited to slowly sink into her chair until after he had left. She had done the right thing. She had known what she had to do after reading his file. He had deserved more than letters of recommendation for his heroism. She compared his accomplishments with others. Even with all his mistakes, he was still a better officer than most. He should have been promoted after the Janus incident, and he should have been rewarded for his extra duties in Sickbay.
She, Chakotay and Tuvok had all become so complacent about Tom. They had all called him a survivor, then ignored the fact that even survivors needed help from time to time. The only ones that had seen that Tom was not surviving as well this time were Doc and B'Elanna. They both saw walking wounded. What upset the Captain was that she had helped rip open those emotional wounds. She had also ignored her own culpability. She kept stating that he 'brought this on himself.' to justify her own anger. Than she had to admit that encouraged him to grow and then punished him for growing. Seven had accused her of the same thing at one point. She wasn't guilty that time but she was with Tom.
She hoped that her restoring his rank would bring some kind of closure to the whole incident. They all deserved to leave their mistakes behind them.
The end.