Author's Note: I wrote this in advance of the airing of the actual episode and based it on the rather lurid and suggestive trailers UPN provided. Apologies to Nick Sagan whose script turned out to be *much* better than the spoilers had it.
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Oh yeah, flashing parody alert
Disclaimer: Voyager ad its crew belongs to Paramount and the TPTB, who haven't got a clue.
(Scene: Janeway's Ready Room. She's sitting at her desk, reading the lastest security report from Tuvok. Chako's report of his most recent inappropriate behavior is resting prominently on the top of her desk.)
Janeway: (taps communicator) Commander Chakotay, please report to my ready room at once.
Chakotay: Aye, Captain.
(Chakotay enters)
(Janeway looks briefly up at him, then back down at the report. Chakotay sees what's on her desk and stops 3 feet short of the desk and assumes the "at attention" posture.)
Janeway: (in a frosty voice) Commander, how would you describe your recent behavior with regards to our encounter with Species 8472?
Chakotay: (trying hard not to look hangdog and staring at a spot on the wall about 2 feet above J's head) Entirely inappropriate, Captain. My actions put the ship and the entire crew in jeopardy.
Janeway: (rising from her desk, still looking cold and a bit angry) Not just the ship, Commander. Very possibly Earth and the Federation itself. Your behavior was inexcusable.
Chakotay: Yes, Ma'am.
Janeway: (she's stalking him now, walking around him like a tiger, but he hasn't moved and he's still looking at that spot on the wall above her desk.) This is the third time in as many years that your.....sexual proclivities.....have placed this ship in danger. I won't have it happening again. Is this clear?
Chakotay: Yes, Ma'am.
Janeway: (returning to stand in front of her desk and looking Chako in the face for the first time. Softening her tone a bit) Chakotay----
(He looks at her)
......what am I going to do with you? It seems all your brains are in your d**k. (Janeway shakes her head and looks a bit sad)
Chakotay: (apologetic) Kathryn, I'm sorry, believe me, I never intended for things to turn out like they did.
Janeway: (leaning against the edge of her desk, looking a bit sympathetic and still disappointed) I'm sure you didn't, Commander, but still, you have appalling taste in women. And *that* presents me with a serious security problem. (She walks back behind her desk and picks up the padd with Tuvok's report, looks at it.) I'm afraid you leave me no choice, Commander. (She looks into C's face. Sighs as if she about to deliver bad news.) I'm sorry, Chakotay. I just can't afford to have you sleeping around. Unless you are on active duty, you will report to my quarters at 2200 hours tonight and every night until countermanded. Is *that* understood?
Chakotay: (with real enthusiasm) Yes, ma'am.
Janeway: Dismissed.
(Chakotay exits)
Janeway: (softly, looking at the Tuvok's report) I still think castration would have been the simpler option.