Hello, Chakotay.
I don't know why I came. Scratch that. I know exactly why I'm here. I wanted to say goodbye. And to give you one last chance to talk me out this terrible thing I'm planning.
I can see you pursing your lips and rolling your tongue against the roof of your mouth as you work at trying not laugh. I can see the dark glint of amusement in your eye that you're trying to hide. Only Kathryn Janeway would seek counsel from the dead, you think. You think I talk to the dead because the living would only argue with me.
You're right about that.
And wrong.
You still argue with me. I still hear your voice inside my head. I hear it everytime I plot some dicey scheme or make some questionable judgment call. I like to think your voice is how my conscience speaks and not your chi or chindi or whatever it is you call it come back to haunt me. You promised me once that you'd haunt me. Do you remember?
I do.
I tried so hard to get it right, Chakotay. When you died with Voyager only a month out from Earth, I couldn't bear the idea of leaving your body to the cold grasp of empty space. So I brought you home to rest in Mother Earth. I did my best to follow your traditions. I had you laid with your head pointing east and your eyes upon setting sun. That's right, isn't it? I hope it is.
I tried to do the right thing. Just like you did. I know that after Seven died, nothing was the same for you, that some spark went out of you, but you still stood by me. You finished the journey with me. I always appreciated that. I always meant to thank you. But I ran out of time.
Time. That's why I'm doing this. For you. For her.
You know, I was jealous of Seven. You were her husband, not mine. But you belonged to her for only 3 years. I had you before. And after. Twenty years together has to count for something, doesn't it?
Well, doesn't it?
What we had between us was a complex thing. I've struggled to find the right word to describe what we had. Friends? We were so much more than that. Lovers? I might have wished for that, but I couldn't let it happen. I always hoped you understood my reasons. And forgave me. Partners? Soulmates?
I came across a word and I think it fits. Hom il'ona. It means 'one who has me,' 'one who holds my life.' You held my life, Chakotay.
Dom ho' ichem'a.
Author's Notes: Well, I won't say I *hated* Endgame. Parts of it were OK--like the special effects and the Janeway vs. Janeway interaction. I hated the C/7 stuff (even if I weren't a JCer I would have hated it. It came outta nowhere and added nothing to the story.) And I harbor a sneaking suspicion that Janeway never really let go of Chakotay. The scene in the cemetery when she goes to say good-bye to his grave is quite touching. Maybe it's just my J/C heart speaking--or maybe, just maybe, there was something there. Anyway, this is my way remedying the what I see as a characterization failure on the parts of the powers that be.....
P.S. I know I got the Timeline wrong and that Chakotay died several
years after reaching Earth, but somehow it seemd awfully ludicrous for
him to linger on, dying beautifully like a heroine in a Russian novel,
for more than 15 YEARS after Seven died. So I changed it.
Chindi is the Navajo term for a evil spirit that remains behind after a person's death. A chindi is thing to be feared as it often inflicts terrible bad luck on anyone who incautious enough to catch its attention.
Hom il'ona is a Zuni expression that translates as given in the story.
Dom ho' ichem'a is the Zuni phrase for "I cherish you." It can
also be translated as "I love you" since there is no word for 'love' in
the Zuni language.
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