TITLE: "Patches of Blue" (1/1)
BY: Ten
E-MAIL ADDRESS: kristena@ocean.com.au
CATEGORY: V; MSR; Angst
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: I am alone. Everything is white and sterile around me. So
many tests. Mulder will be looking for me. But do I want him to
find me?
TIMESPAN/SPOILER WARNING: I picture this as being set either
around late season six or around the time of "Rush", though
nothing specific is stated. There is mention of "Colony" and
"Redux". The vignette is *definitely* set at a time before "Sein
Und Zeit/Closure".
ARCHIVE INFO: It goes to Gossamer through xff. Can be archived
anywhere as long as my name, addy and disclaimer stay intact.
FEEDBACK: Love it as much as I love seeing M&S kiss!
THANKS TO: Debbie, Cynthia, Sally, Suzanne, Gerry and Mac. And
Stephen, though you don't know it.
I am unsure of the exact title of the poem that I quote lines out
of here, or its author. A friend recited it over email after
remembering he used to say it as a child. I think it is called
"Magpie". No copyright infringement is intended, etc.
My website for all my X-Files fanfiction, thanks to the wonderful
Skyfox, is now at: http://tenxffic.iwarp.com
DISCLAIMER: The X-Files, the episodes referred to, Mulder and
Scully and all other characters from the show belong to Chris
Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions and Fox Broadcasting, and are
used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended, no
profit will be gained. Characters not recognised from the show are
mine.
The X-Files: "Patches of Blue" (1/1)
By Ten, February 2000, posted March
xXx
I am huddled in the corner. My arms are wrapped around my knees,
which are up against my chest. I am sore and dizzy and scared.
Everything is white and sterile around me, apart from - if I raise
my eyes enough and dare to confront the light - three patches of
blue above me. They are my only link with reality. Windows showing
a glimpse of the world.
I am alone. I am frightened. I have been in here for so long. The
nails on my left hand have been chewed right down, something I
have not done since grade school. It is all I can do. I am
powerless.
Unfamiliar chemicals are in my veins. Processes have been put in
place, into action, beyond my control.
My head spins. So many tests. And I know there are many more to
come. I hide my face in my hands.
My body is not my own anymore. My fate is uncertain.
Mulder. His name is on my lips. I look at the locked door. He will
be worried. He will be looking. But do I want him to find me?
"Scully?"
I raise my head. I freeze. He's here. My heart pounds so loudly it
almost deafens me.
He knocks on the door and calls again. "Scully? Are you in there?"
I don't respond. I can't.
He tries the door and finds it is locked. "*Scully*!" His voice
becomes louder and charged with alarm. He bangs on the door.
"Scully, can you hear me?"
The whole door vibrates - he is trying to kick it in. I curl
deeper into myself and cry.
The door flies open. Impact slams it against the wall. I can't
help looking up at the noise, and my gaze meets Mulder. He is
standing in the doorway, staring at me, looking alarmed and
relieved and generally panic-faced all at once. "Dana!" He rushes
forwards and drops to his knees in front of me.
"Scully, what's wrong? Are you hurt?" He's looking at me, checking
for wounds, for some clue. He reaches out to me, and I shrink
further away.
"Stay away! Just leave me alone! Please!"
His fright is escalating. "What's wrong?" he begs earnestly.
"Please, Dana. You can tell me. Did someone threaten you? Hurt
you? Is the cancer back?" He stumbles over the last word.
"N-no."
"Did something happen to your mother?"
I shake my head.
I can see his brain rifling through all the possibilities. "Did
you have a flashback to your abduction?"
"I-I think that may have been part of it..." Overload.
"Part of what? Dana, you're safe now. You're at my place. How long
have you been sitting here on the bathroom floor?"
I look around Mulder's bathroom. I cleaned it all yesterday. He
said it's never looked so clean. I loved the way he thanked me. It
was wonderful to wake up in his arms in his bed this morning.
But that was before.
I can't tell him. The words won't form.
"Let me at least get you out into the living room so you can sit
down. Then I'll get you some water or just hold you, please?"
I nod mutely. Yes, I have to get out of here. There's no air in
here.
Mulder looks up, either so he can grab hold of the sink to brace
himself on as he helps me up, or just to look around for any clue
to my bizarre behaviour. He finds a big one.
Mulder stares at the countertop, at my patches of blue. The
pregnancy test result sticks are upright in their holders like
little soldiers. Blue-hatted soldiers. One, two, three, in
regimented order. Irrefutable.
Mulder sinks down to the floor, inadvertently matching my reaction
when I checked the third stick and the weight of proof finally
sank my pregnancy home.
"A baby?" whispers my lover of three months.
"Yes." Is my mind wrapping around this at all? I want to see
Mulder's expression, but I am too afraid of what I will see. I
study the pattern on my lower sleeve, feeling my body shake.
His hand comes across to touch my knee. "Dana? What's wrong?" I
can hear the confusion in his voice. I still can't look at him.
"Are you worried there may be something wrong with the baby?"
I shrug helplessly. "Tests will tell. I'll make an appointment
soon."
"Good, okay. I'm sure it's going to be okay." His thumb strokes
over my hand. He is still at a loss over my reaction, sure there
is more to it than this, even though with my history the risk of
the child not being healthy is a big possibility. Another
possibility occurs to him and he asks quietly, "You don't want a
baby?"
This propels me momentarily out of the fog. "Of course I do!" I
snap indignantly. He looks startled, then relieved. I try to calm
down. "It was just so...unexpected. I think I nearly fainted... I
didn't want to hurt the baby by falling, so I inched down the wall
and just sat here. I think I hared out a little." I can't believe
I just admitted that. I think the hormones are getting to my
tongue. "Tried to wrap my head around everything." I wrap my arms
around my torso. Around my baby. Our baby.
And that is what is really freaking me out. "Will you be there?" I
hear myself say. I can't believe I asked. I hope my voice was
calm. Not needy. I don't want to force him. But I have to know.
"For the birth? Yeah," Mulder says with certainty. I look at him,
trying to read his expression. He looks shocked, but amazed and
proud. "I may get a bit queasy, but no way I'm missing out on
that!" Then he stares at me closely, scrutinising. "You don't just
mean the birth, do you?"
"No."
He sits back on his heels, puzzled. Then a touch of anger enters
his expression and his voice. "You think I'm going to run out on
you because you're pregnant?"
I want to express my concerns logically, but I can feel tears
threatening. Damn hormones. I won't cry! "I don't want you to feel
you have to -"
Mulder scoots forwards and cups my chin in his hands. "I'm in this
for the whole nine yards, ninety years, however long I live! I was
committed to this relationship even before I knew about this.
About him or her. Do you seriously think I'd go?"
I know... But a relationship is one thing, a baby is quite
another. "But - Samantha..." I blurt out.
He blinks. "What about Samantha?"
"What HASN'T been about her over the years? Mulder, with your
quest, there's no room in your life for a baby. Or the whole
domestic thing. I mean, we only became lovers a few months ago. It
took so many years to get to that stage, and we both knew that the
X-Files still took precedence over us. Over me."
I don't want to do this alone, but I will if I have to. Others
manage. I don't want to trap Mulder. He has to choose willingly,
without being pressured.
One for sorrow.
No. I am two. Two is for joy. I will manage. My heart would
shatter, but I have our child and I will manage. I am good at
managing. I look at the blue sticks. My windows to a world I
thought I would not get to set foot in again.
Mulder is gently shaking my knee, recapturing my wandering
attention. "Sam isn't the centre of my universe, Scully. She
hasn't been for a long time. I traded who I thought was her for
you on the bridge. That was years ago. What I feel for you has
gotten stronger with each year. And ever since Cancerman brought
that woman to me in the cafe, I just... Searching for Sam isn't
the all-encompassing desire that it once was."
There is truth in his words, but I stay quiet as he sighs. "It
used to be that she was always there in my mind. But gradually she
became like a comet instead - popping up in my orbit every so
often. At first I'd drop everything to try to follow her, track
her, blind to everything else. But then she'd go again. That's no
life. But this -" He touches my cheek. "And this -" He runs a hand
over my belly. "This is life. This is worth holding onto, instead
of chasing after something I've finally admitted that I can't
catch. Yes, there are still things in the X-Files that need to be
pursued, not for me, but for his or her future."
He touches my belly again. "There must be a way to keep doing
that. A different way. But it is time to let Samantha go. I want
us, Dana. We can make this work. We'll find a way. We've been
doing the 'domestic thing' pretty damn well for the last few
months when in each other's apartments on weekends. Let's make it
permanent. 24/7, all year round." His look is pleading. "Please
let me in."
I smile through my tears. "Letting you in caused this in the first
place!" I remind him wryly.
He gives a relieved laugh. So do I, as the fear starts to uncoil
itself from its choke hold on my body. I can breathe now.
One for sorrow
Two for joy
I let myself, us, enter his arms, and sigh in relief. It had just
been such an overload. We can find a way, just as we managed to
work together, despite being such opposites. He picks me up and
carries me to the couch. There he kisses me tenderly and goes to
fetch me a glass of water while I phone my doctor to make an
appointment, then we sit and hold each other. We discuss options
about the X-Files for a little, how this will change things, then
Mulder insists we give that a rest for the moment and just absorb
our pending parenthood.
Mulder nuzzles my neck. "I'll clean the bathroom from now on. I'll
do everything."
"This I have to see." I lean against him, smelling his aftershave
and feeling the wool of his sweater against my cheek. Parents. I
let myself feel excited now. Exhilarated. I'm not kidding myself
that it will all be easy, but I am sure now of his commitment and
determination. "So... Do you want a boy?"
"Scully, we're going to have a BABY!" he enthuses. "Pink or blue's
fine with me. My daughter can cheer the Knicks just as well, and
be taught how to swing a baseball bat."
I smile and think back to the poem.
One for sorrow
Two for joy
Three for a girl
And four for a boy
Three... I remember the result sticks. I tilt my head to look at
Mulder, who has literally brought joy into my life. And at that
moment, I am certain. "We're going to have a healthy little baby
girl. And we're going to call her Joy."
"That she is," he agrees, accepting my announcement without
question. "Takes after her mother."
Three for happiness.
My secret told.
xXx
THE END.
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