From: whatever1013@my-dejanews.com
Date: Wed, 04 Nov 1998 03:13:30 GMT
Subject: Contentment 1/1 (withhold your wrath at the newbie author!)

Title: Contentment
Author: WHATEVER  (Feedback will be accepted!  Flame
the fool!  Step right up!)
Rating: PG-13 I guess.  The words "bastard" and "slut" are used.  Is that so
bad?  :O)
Classification: V , A, a hint of MSR (but not really.  It is friendshipper
safe.  Heck, I'M A friendshipper!)
Keywords: Pre-FX Mulder/Other
Summary: Sometimes we have to settle for less and be content.
Disclaimer: Well the narrator and her meanie mom belong to me!  (nah nah nah
booooo boooooo!)  But the other characters don't.  They belong to C.C. *darn!*
Spoilers: None
Distribution: Anywhere you feel like.  Gossamer, etc, your own little
homepage.  AS LONG as my name and E-mail address remain intact.

Author's notes:  Hey this is my first time writing fan-fic.  EVER!   So if you
hate this already, it's all my fault!  But don't worry, I still love you!  :O)
~~~~~~~
Content
~~~~~~~

I tell myself that it's better off this way.
I remind myself about what you did 8 years ago.
I convince myself that I don't need you in my life, that I never did.
I know that you were a good point in my life, and that all good things must
come to an end.  At least for me.

I can give myself an ounce of hope and comfort for a moment, but the feeling
is shallow and empty and offers nothing.

Mom always called you shallow and empty after she divorced you.  I always
believed her.  Maybe I was wanting justification for what happened; maybe I
was looking to pin the blame on someone besides myself.  I was eight; I
didn't want to feel like the liability that forced you away.  Forced you to
run away for 5 months and return, hardly remorseful for what you did.  But it
wasn't just those 5 months of leaving us scared and confused; it was for all
the late nights mom spent alone.  All the times it was just me and mom,
eating cold pizza with an empty spot on the couch where you would have fit
perfectly.  I thought it was me.  It would have been so much easier if I was
right, though.

There.  I feel a little better now, even if you won't ever hear me say it.
It's better off that way.

Maybe.......maybe I was the shallow and empty one for believing the lies my
mother spouted out.  Now I know better.

The lies stole you away from us.  Lies surrounded you and your life, and all
you wanted was the truth.  So maybe it was the truth that stole you, because
the rest of the world is contented with the lies, but you wanted the truth.
You left suddenly and unannounced for 5 months in search for the truth.   You
wanted justice for your sister's disappearance.  The lies stole Samantha, but
the truth stole you.

I realize now, that you will never be truly content without the truth.	Well,
I will never be contented with just wishing I could change things.  Sometimes
we have to be contented with just sitting in the audience when we really want
to be on the field.  I want to be the star player tonight.  But if I made a
wrong move, our team would lose.  To make sure the good guys stay on top of
the game, my job is to observe.  People like the man with the Morleys who
told me where I could find you make sure I do my job.

I see the redhead coming up to you now.  She has no idea how lucky she is,
and I wish I could tell her.  Secrecy is policy, though.  It's just a shame
when you learn too late, like I did.  You weren't just a Dad.  When you were
actually home, you were the sharer of hugs and kisses.	The builder of fond
memories of making pancakes, UFO hunting, storytelling, and sing-a-longs. 
Ok, so your voice had much to be desired then, and your choice of songs
wasn't the greatest, but mom never sang to me and she had enough time to
spare.	I felt safe when you were home.  You were the great solver of all
children's problems: Boogymen, spiders, thunderstorms, and bullies.  (I bet
Big Bubba never forgot you either.)  Are you the same for the redhead?	Do
you protect her, keep her, comfort her?  Do you tell her you love her?	Does
she feel safe and content when you are there?  I hope she does.

I hope you are more devoted to her than the truth.  I hope you are with her
more than you are chasing the truth.  I don't know too many things you
wouldn't give up for the truth;  would you give her up?  Or would you do a
repeat of before and walk out on her, chasing little green men and following
every bright light in the sky.

I still have faith in you, Dad.  Yes, I can call you dad.  Sure, you aren't my
Biological father, but you were my only dad.  I have to be content with that.
Not happy, but content.

Maybe I am shallow for wanting more, for wanting you again.  After 8 years,
why do I care?	Maybe I am shallow for wanting to barge in and tell you how I
feel.  If you met me face to face, would you give me the time of day?  Would
you hug me?  I know it wouldn't feel the same anymore.	I don't feel safe
anywhere now.  I ran away from my slutty Mom, from her bastard of a
boyfriend, from the old life.  I ran back to where I could see you.  Maybe
this is how empty souls heal again.


I see you and the redhead walk off together with your arm over her shoulders.
You look so happy together.

Yes.  There is still hope for you.  And for me....I will just have to be
content with watching.


~finished~

You HATED IT!! YOU DID AND YOU WILL NOT E-mail me at spammerific@schoolsucks.com
to tell me you hated it
****Using reverse psychology here, Folks.****

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