TITLE: OLD ENOUGH (Sequel to "The Boy")
AUTHOR: Char Chaffin
CATEGORY: Pre X-Files, Mulder/Other, M&S Married, Childfic
RATING: R, Adult language and situations
SPOILERS: None
ARCHIVE: Sure! Just let me know where -
DISCLAIMER: Same old refrain... Not Mine!
FEEDBACK: Is what floats my boats...
SUMMARY: A son's dilemma brings back painful memories for his
father, one Fox Mulder...
THANKS TO: Two great friends; my darlin' Sissy Tbishop and my beta
Goddess Foxsong. They never fail to encourage the beejeezes out of
me and their approval means a lot to me -
NOTE: This is the sequel to a story I wrote last year, entitled
"The Boy". I received many requests for a sequel, and had always
intended to do one, but other projects got in the way and I never
did. Then a fellow writer, Lara Means, gave me an idea for a sequel -
and it made sense to me. My Muse got hold of the idea and forced me
to pound away on my keyboard until it was done. Muses can get like
that sometimes - So, thanks, Lara!
This story is better understood if "The Boy" has already been read -
so I have re-posted it for that very reason.
"Old Enough"
The boy sat on the top step of the front porch, staring off into
space. Pensive and silent; not really seeing the spectacular sunset
on display before him, filling up the sky with red-gold wonder.
Likewise not aware of the warm summer breeze or the occasional chirp
of cicadas in the trees which lined either side of the driveway - not
feeling the rub of his cat Shambles, as she curled around his
sneakered feet and purred loudly. None of it registered - none of it
swerved his attention from watching the street for signs of his
father's car. Seven o'clock, and Dad would be home any minute now,
and the boy was getting impatient. His mother had asked him what was
wrong, but he sure couldn't tell her; she was a woman; she'd never
understand. No, at times like these a guy needed his dad. The boy
dropped an absent-minded hand down to pet his adoring cat, forcing
even louder purrs to vibrate from the ecstatic feline. 'Come on,
Dad...' the boy muttered under his breath, then jumped up in relief
when he spied his father's car rounding the corner. He stood there
on the porch steps and tried to look nonchalant, as his dad parked
the car and got out, pulling his briefcase after him. Approaching
him in the quickening dusk; a smile on his face - dressed as usual in
a dark suit and conservative shirt - and a wildly-patterned tie, for
Dad really went for crazy ties - his father was a tall, comforting
presence in the boy's world. He'd know just what to say; know just
what sort of advice to give...
"Hey, Kidlet." The deep voice had a grin to it; and even though
that goofy nickname was fourteen years old, the boy didn't mind it.
His father dropped the briefcase on the porch and reached out one big
hand, ruffling the boy's dark curls; in silent agreement they sat on
the top step and butted shoulders slightly - the boy's showing
promise for being as wide as his dad's, someday. They stared at each
other, father and son - same shape to the eyes, though the boy's were
blue - same dark brows and unruly dark hair. His father must have
seen the worry in his son's blue gaze, because he bumped him gently
with a shoulder, and spoke quietly. "Okay, spill it, Will. What's
up? You never come out this time of the day, and you never wait for
me on the porch. It's all Mom and I can do to pry you off the
computer long enough to eat! So, what's going on? I know you didn't
fail a test; you'd be locked in your closet with all the lights off
if that had happened." Will managed a minuscule smile at the closet
reference, although he groaned audibly and poked his father back with
a corresponding elbow.
"Dad, jeez... that was two years ago. I'm never gonna live that one
down, am I?" God, that was humiliating - failing a biology test.
His mom had come unglued... Will's smile grew wider at the remembered
verbal flaying he'd received from her, after they'd finally found
him. "Mom had such a cow... man, my ears burned for hours! Then she
made me a huge batch of brownies 'cause she felt bad for yelling, and
I ate almost the whole pan and got sick from all the sugar and threw
up all night." His father chuckled, recalling the general panic that
had ensued, and how they'd stayed up for hours with Will. His mother
had been so upset... she knew Will didn't digest carbs properly but
figured a few small brownies wouldn't hurt him. Little did she know
he'd scarf the entire pan of them.
"They had frosting on them, too - it's a wonder we didn't have to
drag your sorry butt to the hospital, you little oinker. But that's
not what you want to talk about, is it? So quit stalling and tell
me. You know Mom's got dinner almost done. And I have a feeling you
don't want her to know whatever it is that's got you in an uproar...
right?" Will nodded, and slumped forward, hiding his suddenly-pink
cheeks. His father cleared his throat pointedly, and Will
immediately straightened his posture. He could pick at his seat in
public and he'd lay money Dad wouldn't say a thing. But let him
slouch, even a little... it drove the old man crazy. Another 'hmmph'
from Dad; that was the impatient one. Will sighed, and faced him,
fighting to keep from blushing. Might as well say it - might as well
be blunt, too. He'd learned a long time ago that the best way to
approach problems in his house was to lay it on the line, and not
pussy-foot around. Will took a deep breath.
"Dad... how old were you when you got lucky, for the first time?"
His father's eyebrows, both of them, did an upward climb as he
digested his son's question.
"Define 'lucky', please." Will sighed, clearly unwilling to go into
that much detail.
"You know... 'lucky'! With girls... kissing, and... stuff." The
'stuff' came out very softly; his father barely heard it. Barely...
but he did hear, and he reacted.
"By 'stuff', I assume you mean all the fringe benefits of kissing,
Son? Love, is that what you meant? Because the true answer to that
is an easy one -" Will interrupted him, already predicting the rest
of it.
"I don't MEAN with Mom, Dad! Sheesh, I KNOW you got lucky with her!
She told me so..." His dad snorted, half in amusement, half in
irritation, and his muttered, 'I'll just BET she did!', was almost
lost on Will. Almost. He grinned at his dad and that little goat-
getting remark relaxed him enough to say the rest. "I meant, how old
were you when you first... made it with a girl? Was she in your
class, or was she... older than you?"
Fox Mulder tried very hard not to choke on his tongue, staring at
his fifteen-year-old son; his baby - fighting to keep in mind that
this so-called 'baby' of his was almost six feet tall and definitely
in the zone where biological urges were concerned. Will held his
stare with steady eyes, face somber and not a speck of humor or
mischief to be seen. This was a serious question, then - no fooling
around. Jesus, every father's worst nightmare - the day when they
had to give the "Sex" talk. Except they'd been really lucky so far -
because Will Mulder had a brilliant mind, and was so hooked on
science, especially biology - and everything he needed to know he'd
found in books, from a very early age. He'd never been curious,
never asked - until now. And not only about sex, but also about the
age of his father's first conquest.
Oh, shit.
Mulder tried to find his voice, knowing he shouldn't be shocked.
After all, Will was securely in the throes of the final stages of
puberty - and most of his question was valid and normal. Right now,
within that tall, lanky frame, his gonads were probably doing the
'Dance of Happy Sperm' - and rightly so, for a fifteen-year old boy.
Mulder would have been more concerned if his son had not trusted him
enough to ask. No, it was the other section of the question that had
him speechless; the possibility that not only had a girl approached
Will in a sexual way... but that she was older. Maybe just a little
older - and maybe not. Maybe a whole hell of a LOT older! Mulder
opened his eyes wide, and did a very thorough perusal of his beloved
child, ignoring the reddened cheeks and the muttered, 'Jeez, DAD!' -
attempting, perhaps for the first time, to see his son in a different
light. To see him as a girl may see him, as a potential mate...
instead of, as he always had - a son; a child. And what he found
shocked him. Jesus, where had the time gone?
Sitting before him was a tall, tanned and very good-looking boy.
Wide shoulders, dark curly hair, long eyelashes shielding bright blue
eyes. His mother's eyes, although the shape of them was true Mulder.
Slender yet muscled, from hours and hours of playing baseball... long
legs and big feet. Awkwardly graceful, especially on the court;
handling a ball with ease, whether it be a tennis ball or a
basketball. Serious and a little shy; studious but with a wicked
sense of humor. Obedient to adults and kind to younger children, an
animal lover to the nth degree - popular. So popular with his peers -
always surrounded by friends. William Samuel Mulder, in a nutshell.
Would a girl look at him and swoon? Of course. Would an older girl,
say, twenty or older - would she also look at him and think to
herself what a tasty bite stood there before her...?
Oh, hell yes. Yes - because here before Mulder sat a younger Fox
Mulder, aged fifteen - right down to the Band-aid wrapped around the
index finger of his dribbling hand. And Mulder had never, never
forgotten what it was like to be fifteen - and in love; in flaming,
glorious, impossible love - with somebody completely inappropriate.
Now, looking into his son's dreamy eyes, he had an awful feeling that
Mulder history was about to repeat itself - and if that gut-feeling
was accurate, then his son was in for a hell of a lot of heartache.
There had to be a way to minimize and negate anything that may have
already occurred, if anything actually had... and Mulder did not want
to relive that period in his life, but if it meant keeping that sort
of pain from his son, he would - for Will was just too young for it.
Just as he'd been much too young...
"Son, when I was your age I fell for a girl..."
If I close my eyes I could feel it, all over again - the uncertainty
and insecurity, the excitement; of not only moving to a new place but
having to establish myself in a new school. The house that was too
big for the three of us, and the emptiness of that third bedroom; the
room which should have been Samantha's. The first day of school;
trying too hard to fit in, and not quite getting there... at least I
made the basketball team, on my first audition. And that's when I
met Jimmy, who had been on the team only three months... and
discovered life in Lambert wasn't going to be so bad after all.
Junior High basketball wasn't the most challenging game in town, that
was true - but it would be enough for us; we were good teammates,
worked well on the court together and became tight pals off-court as
well, once we realized we shared a serious Sci-Fi passion. Through
the rest of eighth grade, up into high school, Jimmy and I were
inseparable. Tenth grade, and we made the team, once again - man, we
were so excited! Lambert Lions, the 'big-time' team; red and blue
uniforms. Jimmy's folks were proud of us both. I had really eaten it
up, the attention I got from his parents; for my own mom and dad
really didn't involve themselves with much of my school life... I
spent a lot of time at Jimmy's. Played basketball over there, every
day...
Including that day in late August, when Jimmy turned sixteen, and
had a birthday party at his house. We'd played one-on-one that day; a
momentous day for me - because I'd finally scored more baskets than
Jimmy, and it was the day I met Jimmy's sister Kelly... and fell in
love. Fell instantly, and fell hard - the moment I looked into her
green eyes.
Up until that summer I had never done more than hold a girl's hand;
on my very first date, only four months ago, and I'd asked Anne Keyes
to a movie. In the dark of Lambert Super Ten, we'd sat through an
encore showing of "Romeo and Juliet" - and I had garnered enough
courage to hold Anne's hand; fingers clutching hers a bit too hard,
until our entwined digits broke out in an uncomfortable sweat. But I
didn't want to let go; the connection was not very romantic, but at
least somebody was touching me, and I needed so badly to be touched.
Mom wasn't the touching type, and Dad... well, best not to even go
there. So I'd sat in the dark, stuffy theater holding a girl's
sweaty hand, and convinced myself it was a pivotal moment in my life.
Four months later my life pivoted, for real.
Kelly was beautiful; small and delicate and soft-looking. She had
reddish blond hair, thick and wavy and brushing almost past her
waist. Big green eyes and pale, perfect skin; in the instant after
we were first introduced I registered everything about her, from the
tiny smattering of freckles across her cheeks to the pale pink polish
on her cute little toes. She was exactly my type, I decided - as if
I'd already developed a type of ideal girl from the composite hoard
of high school lovelies inhabiting Lambert High. I shook her hand,
feeling the silk of her skin contained there in her small palm - and
although I smiled politely at her and said 'Hi', in my usual grainy-
squeaky voice; although I let go of her hand after an appropriate
amount of time, and acted as if I had better things to do with my
life... although I did all that, a piece of me stayed behind and
begged her to see me, love me; Me, Me... Kelly went back to her seat
there at the picnic table and I went back to my game... well, most of
me. And after we'd had cake and ice cream and punch; after Jimmy had
opened his loot and we'd gone off to rave over the new Star Trek book
I'd gotten him... I hemmed and hawwed around for a few moments,
before finally coming out with it and asking him about his sister.
Jimmy's response was that of a typical, long-suffering brother who
must tolerate his pesky female sibling.
"Wow, your sister's really pretty... a knockout. I don't remember
seeing her around school..." The look my pal tossed in my direction
was pitying.
"That's 'cause she's not in high school, Dork - Kelly's already
graduated." My eyes got wide as I considered the meaning of those
words. Out of high school... oh, man. An older woman...
"Well, when did she graduate? I know a lot of the seniors..."
Another pity-filled look; I could only imagine what it meant -
"She's like twenty-five or something, you moron! Married too - a
real jerk, but she loves him, I guess..." Those two sentences hit me
right between the eyes and left me temporarily paralyzed. Older, to
be sure - a LOT older. Jeez, ten or more years... and a husband,
too. I couldn't believe it; she looked so young. Thinking back on
it now, I know a lot of her youthfulness had to do with her petite
frame, and delicate structure; add her gorgeous hair into the mix and
the way she dressed... little wonder I assumed she was my age, or
even younger. Now I smile as I remember; then, I was crushed - and I
tried not to show it. Jimmy, however - well, he wasn't my best
friend for nothing; he knew me very well. Slapped me on the back and
said, "Hey, s'okay, Dude - all the guys in school think she's a real
fox. Used to bother me, but I'm okay with it now, y'know?" I felt
like saying to him, 'No, I DON'T know, Buddy' - I don't know because
my own cute little sister was abducted from under my very nose one
night when she was barely more than a small child, before she even
had a chance to grow up into the sort of sweet young thing that could
make the guys drool over her, and consequently make me want to bash
their heads in...
I would never know that feeling of protectiveness, the kind that
develops when a guy has a pretty sister that he only wants to care
for, and keep safe. I would never know. And I would try my hardest
not to be envious of Jimmy, for one more blessing added to his
already-groaning plate, of happy home with loving parents, family dog
and family cat... I didn't think I could take much more envy. I told
myself I was glad Jimmy had a great family, counted myself lucky to
be included in their warm circle as much as I was - and vowed to find
myself a girl of my own dreams that I could actually walk home from
school, carrying her books and swinging her hand in mine. I'd look
for her and when I finally had that hand of hers securely in my
grasp, I'd treat her right. I'd make her happy, show her all the
love I knew was simmering inside me. I would...
Except I had the unsettling feeling that I'd already found her, and
the discovery would end up being one more non-workable episode in my
life that I could shelf with all the others; labeled things like,
"Fox Loses His Baby Sister", and "Dad Mulder Ashamed of Weenie
Son"... I could just slide this one up there, cozied next to the
rest, and label it, "Dumb Loser Jerk Kid Falls for Beauty Who Doesn't
Know He Exists"...
I thought about her a lot that month. I mean, I played ball with
the team and practiced daily with Jimmy; we were both wanting to try
out for Junior level Lions. We trained hard for the rest of the
summer, and before I knew it there was only a week of it left, and
school would start. But in between all the practice and the goofing
off and my part-time job at Ellersby's... still I thought about
Kelly. I knew she worked at Lambert Savings; I'd seen her little car
there in the parking lot. I thought about just going over there and
making a deposit. I'd had a savings account there for about a year;
no money to speak of actually in the account, but I was trying to get
enough money to buy decent Christmas gifts this year. One day, about
a month after I had first met her, I decided to go drop off my pay -
and maybe I'd get lucky; maybe I'd see her. I left the store and
walked the four blocks over to the bank; slipped in the door and got
in line. Figured I had as good a shot as any to end up at her
window; maybe she would smile at me; maybe I'd hear her voice again.
I had no way of knowing, as I stood there in line, nervous as can
be... that I would get far more than just 'lucky', that day.
I can't remember much of what happened at the bank; I was in such a
state of basic teen-panic that most of it was a blur. I remember her
smile when I came up to her window. How she looked so adorable in
her little white dress, with her hair pinned on top of her head. How
she maintained eye contact with me, making me feel as if I was really
important to her. I don't remember leaving the bank or walking back
to work; maybe that's because I didn't do any such thing. I hung
around the bus stop, across the street from the bank... and when she
came out I followed her. Playing hooky, both of us - great minds
think alike, I guess. I followed her to Lambert Pool. I can't say
what sort of insanity may have been going through my head as I
followed her; going into the men's locker room and changing into the
trunks I kept there - I was driven by something more powerful than I
could hope to control. That feeling; indescribable feeling of
fluttery anticipation - a combination of fright, anxiety, major
butterflies... and the final ingredient called desire, though at
fifteen I barely knew what to call it. I only knew I was marinating
in it - and if I could have bottled that feeling and sold it like
dime-store elixir at a county fair, I would now be a very rich man.
I got out to the pool before she did, and I plunged into the cool
water, letting it calm me and wash some of the day's heat and sweat
from my body. I did laps while I waited for her, hoping that the
exercise would help tame those active butterflies. The exertion only
made the little suckers dance and flit harder inside my stomach. I
kept my eyes trained on the locker room door, and saw her the instant
she came out - and I tread water in the deepest end of the pool and
forgot to breathe every few seconds the way normal people need to do,
and almost swallowed a gallon of nasty chlorine water when I went
under... because she was so pretty. No, beyond pretty... perfect.
The most perfect thing I had ever seen, up to that point in my life.
She wore a bright pink bikini; hair caught up in a ponytail. She
ran the length of the diving board and jumped in with a graceful
curve of her little body - and when she broke the surface and swam
over to the ladder I was waiting for her. In my hurry to get there
before her, I dunked a little boy swimming with inflatable rings on
his arms, and splashed his poor mother. I never heard them yelling
at me. I never noticed anything past the sleek look of her as she
headed for the ladder - and I temporarily forgot my butterflies and
my panic in my rush to make it to that ladder; to be there and ready
to take her hand and pull her up beside me. And she looked up at me,
the afternoon sunshine in her face - and she let me pull her up.
I know I must have spoken some sort of words to her - for the life
of me, I can't remember what they were. And I know she answered -
but all I could absorb was the expression on her face, as she stared
at me - as young as I was, I knew what it meant. I knew. We sat in
some lounge chairs and stared some more, stared hard at each other.
Nobody had ever looked at me the way she did; as if I was... edible.
I know that look now, of course; years later I know what the look
represents. But then, oh God... I had no idea. I just knew her face
was melting me from the inside out, all of me, draining onto the
cement patio in one large mass of skin and bone and rubbery muscle.
She asked me where I worked; I told her a little about my summer
job... and then she asked me about Samantha. In a soft, sweet and
sympathetic voice, she asked me. And I remember it was as if a flood
of need, to talk about my sister - this flood erupted from me, and I
told her. Things I could never say in front of my parents; things I
laid awake and thought about, late at night when I should have been
sleeping. What a joke... as if I ever slept, for even back then I
had problems allowing my mind to take any sort of respite from the
troubles of the day. I talked about my sister, and she listened.
"Her name's Samantha... she's ten years old. She went away when I
was twelve, three years ago. She was... she was abducted." A soft
sound from Kelly's throat, as I said that word; I think she thought I
might have meant that she was kidnapped or something, and for some
reason it was very important to me that she know my feelings and
beliefs about extraterrestrial life. I decided to take a chance on
her open-mindedness. "Kelly... do you believe in the existence of
life on other planets? Do you think we're not alone in the universe?"
I think the question threw her a little, but she answered me, the way
I had hoped she would.
"I don't think we're completely alone, no... I think there's
something out there, but I never really gave much thought as to what
it might be. Why? Do you think your sister was abducted by aliens?"
Her voice was very soft, very gentle; I found myself nodding, telling
her what had happened. And then it was as if I knew I could tell her
anything, show her my soul - because I was suddenly crying, and she
actually reached out one tender hand and wiped at my tears; she
touched me. In a way I had not been touched in so long, she cupped
my face; let me hold her hand close to me, as I cried.
"I miss her, so much... my mom won't let me talk about her, and my
dad just gets mad when I talk about her. I really need to remember
her, every detail of her face, the dumb things she used to say...
what if I never see her again, Kelly? All I'd have left are the
things I remember about her... that's all I'd have." That's all I
could see, as well... before my swimming eyes at that point, nothing
but Sam's sweet little face; hair braided into two fat ropes of dark
silk hanging down the back of her long flannel nightgown; that
childish voice calling me silly names... I cried. Hard. Hid my hot
face in my arms and sobbed my eyes out. For everything I had lost;
and felt guilty still, for having lost it - for the mother who hardly
spoke to me and the father who mostly ignored me, so wrapped up still
in their own singular pain... for the things my pal Jimmy had that I
would never get to cherish; for the sister who left me just as I was
beginning to really love her... all of it. I cried, and Kelly held
me - and I was so numb from the tears that I hadn't even known I was
being held, until she put her hands under my face and turned me to
her, and kissed me. My cheek. My burning, wet eyes. The corner of
my mouth, oh, God... it was the mouth against me, so near to mine,
that finally woke me up. Woke me up with a vengeance, as soon as her
lips covered mine.
She kissed me. Willingly. Eagerly; even as innocent as I was I
could tell it was eager. Her lips were silky and soft and cushiony
and alluring and tasted like berries dipped in sugar... and it was my
very first kiss and I was drowning in it. Not knowing what to do; not
fully understanding what was happening to me... until she opened my
mouth with her tongue, and slipped inside. In my mouth; holy shit...
a beautiful, scantily-clad girl was inside my mouth. I could not
believe it. I grasped at her upper arms, bare and hot to the touch;
I had to hang on to something; had to anchor my existence before I
simply blew away with the light summer breeze. And somewhere into
this amazing kiss, somehow Mother Nature gave me one large ass-
kicking, and told me what to do... and I gripped Kelly hard and
pulled her to me, and kissed her back. My tongue found its way into
her warm mouth and I explored all the dark, moist places there; along
her teeth and over the insides of her cheeks. It was magical. It
was heady stuff. It made me go up in the kind of flames you read
about in cheesy romance novels; the ones that Mom left lying around
that I sometimes peeked into, just to see what was so fascinating
about them.
Well, if the hero and heroine of these silly tales could feel one-
tenth of what I felt, as I kissed Kelly... I guess I could understand.
A long time later - or maybe just a minute or so - I felt her pull
away from me; from my hands which had found their way to her soft
breasts, and had been cupping them through her pink bikini. From my
body, which had been supporting hers, there between my spread legs -
and I knew she had felt me hard beneath her; the hardest I had ever
been in the short time I had been experimenting with myself to see
just how long and thick I was. All boys do it - that's a fact. I
was rock-hard, and this time a real live girl had gotten me in that
state. And she jerked away from me, and sat up - mumbled a horrified
apology and took off running. I lay there stunned, by everything
that had happened to me. My first kiss. My first grope. My first
girl-induced woody... all compliments of my best friend Jimmy's
older, married sister Kelly. Jesus love a duck.
I grinned all the way home... and I plotted all the way as well, on
how I would find a way to see her again - that night, if possible.
Fox Mulder had fallen in love... God help him.
It was easier than I thought, to meet up with Kelly - all I had to
do was hang around the general neighborhood, and wait. Granted, I
started hanging out a little early... but I didn't mind. I wasn't
hungry - it's damned hard to work up an appetite for food when a
guy's body is already worked up for a different kind of sustenance.
I didn't bother going into my house when I got there - just grabbed
my basketball from the garage and started shooting hoops. Stopped
once in awhile to drink out of the garden hose. Smiled, a lot. It
was sort of a good feeling, to be shooting hoops with a huge-ass grin
on my face. I sunk all but one; twenty-nine out of thirty shoots;
not bad. Look out, Lions... I figured I could be their star player,
as long as I was goofy in love during every game. When it started to
get dusky I walked over toward her street; it was only six or so
doors down, on the next street over. I had hastily chewed some gum
that I'd found in my pocket; not even wanting to go inside to brush
my teeth. I sucked on the cinnamon gum and figured it would have to
do. I'd even smelled myself; a little musky but not too bad. At the
time it never occurred to me that sniffing your pits before going to
see the girl you loved might be considered disgusting; as long as
nobody caught me doing it, I figured it wasn't a big deal... A real
Renaissance Man - that's me.
I had to wait about an hour before I finally saw her. Don't ask me
how I knew she would probably take a walk; honestly I don't know. It
was a hot night, and most of the houses in this residential area did
not have air conditioning. People either sat on their porches in the
dark or they took a walk. I took a chance on the walk, and luck was
with me; for there she was, coming toward me. Looking down at her
feet, she never saw me until she bumped into me, for I had purposely
stepped in her path. And the swirl of emotion welling up inside me,
as I watched her walking my way... it left me with little or no
breath; yet I felt as if I would never need to breathe again. In the
darkness her hair glowed, left loose and curling all around her
beautiful face, down her soft shoulders and on a one-way trek to her
waist... gorgeous. She wore a thin tee shirt and cut-off denim
shorts, her little feet encased in thong sandals. And when she
finally realized I was in front of her, those green eyes got large
and round with surprise; she stood there silent and still, letting me
touch her, my hand in her hair. Winnowing through the thick silk of
it, murmuring, "Like pale fire... so soft... like liquid fire." I
barely registered what I was saying, babbling like a goon I'm now
sure, but at the time my words were hushed and adoring as I fingered
her hair and my eyes roved every inch of her small frame. I pulled
her closer, and then closer still; she let me. Her gaze never
wavered from mine; she held on until I bent over her and touched my
mouth to hers; my lips were shaky and needy and when they brushed
over her she moaned - I made a girl moan, oh my God - and her hands
slipped into my hair and she tugged at me until my mouth was hard on
hers.
The mechanics of a kiss, well - I remembered that, from just a few
hours past. But the raw desire and lust behind this new kiss...
altogether new and different from my first clumsy attempt. And from
the instant my lips covered hers, I became the leader, and eager to
show her what my mouth could do; the tricks it had learned, just as
an obedient puppy could learn. I licked at her tongue and nipped at
her sweet lips, and she moaned again. I wound my arms around her and
lifted her off the ground, pressed her body into mine as I kissed her
harder, and deeper. Deeper - now I was the one moaning. Her hands
were in my hair, then slipping down my back and pressing into my
lower waist, finding the loose opening of my running shorts and
burrowing under the cotton to touch my bare skin. I shuddered and
gasped into her open mouth as I felt her hands down there; Jesus...
little hot girl-hands kneading my bare ass. I could barely
comprehend just how fortunate I had become, for the sensations were
pounding against me and I had to concentrate hard just to remain on
my feet...
There was so much white noise roaring in my ears that I barely
caught the moment her moans became actual words, but suddenly I heard
them, uttered in a breathless whispering cry that lodged inside my
head and made my whole body clench. "Not enough, not nearly enough,
couldn't ever be enough, need it all, God all, every inch, every drop
of you, Fox, all..." The rush those words spun at me caused a fresh
burst deep inside of me, all this lust boiling up and saturating my
very bones. I pushed my hands underneath her shirt and felt the soft
skin all along her back, and sliding over delicate ribs until I could
reach for and press into her naked breasts. So amazing... I had to
know more. I found myself on my knees in front of her, and I had
gotten her shirt off but I couldn't remember how; I had my face
pressed against those perfect curves and had opened my mouth around
one small pink nipple. And I would always remember it; that first
matchless taste of a woman's breast; how sweet the skin; how intimate
and how rare. A cry wrenched from her throat when I bit the tiny
hard tip, purely by accident discovering that a woman was so very
sensitive there - and I slid to the ground and she went down with me.
When I felt Kelly under me on the cool grass; felt her shivering
with the same heat that made me tremble... I had to have her; I
couldn't stop. Every caution I had ever heard my parents or my
teachers utter about unprotected sex; any insignificant thought that
I was doing something very wrong, and doing it with somebody so very
off-limits to me... it all got stomped into the ground beneath us.
Nothing mattered to me but the sure knowledge that I was going to
make love with Kelly; was going to know what it was like to be inside
a woman. Inside, where even my wildest imaginings could never
accurately take me; inside where I'd finally, hopefully feel myself
become whole - because until this moment in my life I had always felt
like a piece of something bigger; something unknown to me. Always a
missing chunk, always lacking - and now I had found that piece and
that chunk and I would never, ever let her go...
Until Kelly gasped into my neck, as I started to unzip her shorts -
and pushed me away - and I lay on the grass with my hair sticking up
on end and my eyes still smarting from the hot daze behind them, and
an ache in my groin that bordered on agony. Through a dull haze I
saw her mouth move; heard her words and felt her hand press against
my chest when I tried to get close to her again.
"Fox, no... we can't... we can't do this, I can't do this to you -
not fair; God I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me." She was
crying, and I wanted to wipe her tears away as well as her words,
because I didn't want to hear those words; they meant the end of it;
I knew this, even as young as I was... I knew. "Fox, listen to me...
this is wrong, so criminally wrong of me, to be here like this, with
you. I'm an adult, I should know better... you're so young, and so
innocent... the only excuse I have for myself is so purely selfish -
I saw you, and I wanted you, simple as that. I never stopped to
consider what damage I could do to you, or anyone else, and I'm sorry
for that as well." She paused and rubbed at her face, getting rid of
the tears which I would have kissed from her face, had she let me.
Some of what I was feeling must have been evident on my face, even as
dark outside as it was by now - because I could hear the softening in
her voice, and the tenderness when she spoke again, low and firm.
"Look, Fox... you're so young, so much younger than me... even if I
wasn't married, there are way too many years between us. This would
never work, never. I'd probably be thrown in jail for corrupting and
seducing a minor... you need someone your age, or at least closer to
it than me, and you need to be able to experience all the fun of
growing up in your own time and place, and not being forced to rush
it. Only fifteen and you already know way too much -"
Of course she was right; I know that now. A romantic relationship
between us would have been disastrous; of course I know that now.
But at the time, all those years ago... I was not Mulder; I was a
fifteen year old boy named Fox and I needed her; needed everything
she could give me - all the ways she could love me. A thousand ways
she could love me, and I had barely tasted just one of them. My
emotions were very raw, and I was hurting badly but I managed to
reply to her in a fairly adult manner.
"Kelly, I followed you today - I followed you to the pool. I wanted
to see you, wanted to be with you, to get to know you. I felt what
you felt, that first time we met... don't you think I knew it was
wrong? I may be young, but I'm not stupid. I know this isn't right,
that you're married. I also know you can't really be very happy with
him, if you're looking for something else." I had begun crawling
toward her as I spoke, and when I got close enough I drew her back
into my arms and in a raspy, urgent voice sent the rest of my
attempted persuasion into her silky hair.
"Your age and my age, that doesn't matter, not a bit... what's
inside matters, how we feel, in our hearts. Say it's impossible
because you belong to someone else, or because you aren't serious
about wanting me... but don't block it because of a dumb thing like
an age difference." I felt her sigh, and then withdraw from me; and
I wanted to grip her hard and never let go; for one crazy moment I
thought of just picking her up and carrying her off, the way you see
the hero do in silly old movies, or the way it happens in those same
romance books I mentioned before. But maybe there was a more mature
slice of me that I had thought, which controlled all the other pieces
and kept me planted in one place - because I didn't move as she shook
her head, and the final words she spoke to me stayed in my head for a
very long time.
"Fox, you will never know how much I wish it could be me... you'll
never know. But it's not going to happen, even though I may regret
it always. I am married, and I do love my husband; I need to find a
way to work things out. You deserve everything magical about the
power of love and how it can transform you from an ordinary person
into someone quite special and unique. You need to progress within
the sequential lines of adolescence, and date a lot of girls and have
a hell of a time doing it. Then someday, when you're a man and all
grown up, ready for it... you're going to meet a wonderful woman, and
she'll hold your heart's deepest innocence in gentle hands, and take
it into her heart... and then return it improved beyond measure.
She'll complete you, Fox - and that's what I want for you. I want
you to find that someone special, who will complete you." She smiled
at me; through the tears gathering in my eyes I made out the blurry
line of her sweet face as she leaned in and kissed my mouth one last
time. She walked away and I watched her leave, and I was numb. It
was a long time before I was able to move, enough to walk home. And
I was in pain for a long time after that night; long after my family
moved away from Lambert; years later when I was struggling through
tough college classes and inventing all sorts of reasons why I was
too busy to date. It took a lot of years to forget Kelly, and the
way she had made me feel...
***********************************************
"Did you ever see her again, Dad?"
Mulder roused himself from his final musings, and looked at his son
in a sort of daze. Will returned his regard with wide eyes, having
soaked in the whole of his father's story with rapt attention. For
one panicked moment Mulder was afraid he'd revealed too much in the
telling of it... then realized that his words to his son had been
vastly edited from the version that had coiled through his memory as
he'd relayed the past. He smiled and stroked over his son's dark hair.
"I didn't see her for a lot of years, Will - over twenty-five, to be
exact. I always wondered about her; how she was doing; if she had
ever married again - she had divorced her husband shortly after we
left Lambert. I saw her in an airport, years ago when you were just
a toddler. I recognized her and spoke to her - your mom saw her too,
and although they didn't get to meet it was a good thing to see her
again - I was able to thank her for the great advice she had given
me. I suppose she got married again, and I hope she had children. I
never forgot her, because she was my first love, in a way - and you
never forget your first." Mulder leaned his chin on his hand, and
thought about the way Kelly had influenced his young life. He
watched the thickening darkness all around them, wondering vaguely
why Scully had never called them into supper. Maybe she'd poked her
head out the door and seen them in the thick of their talk, and had
decided to leave them to it. Maybe she heard him speak Kelly's
name... He looked over at Will again, and thought tenderly of the
man his son would become, someday. With the right woman at his
side... that's all it took. Kelly had been so right about that - and
he had remembered, and had waited... and had found Scully. Had wised
up after waiting almost too long, and had made her his - and she had
completed him. Just like that... just like Kelly had told him. And
as he smiled at the thought of the way the mother of his child had
soaked into his heart and joined with his soul, a sudden thought
occurred to him.
"You know, I never stopped liking red hair on girls, that's for
sure; although for some reason I never dated red heads in school
much. I guess I always figured that I would date blondes and
brunettes for fun, but when it got serious the lady of my dreams
would have red hair." He grinned at Will, and added, "And she did,
you know - the one I fell in forever love with, Son - your mom. I
guess I'll never know for sure if the initial attraction was for her
mind or for her hair and her petite size... but it really didn't
matter much, because by the time I realized that I was hopelessly in
love with your mother I was so far beyond the superficial with her -
I had been afforded the chance to glimpse at her soul. And that is
the best part of the person you love, anyway - their soul. Your
mother's is so very pure. So is yours, Will - you are so much like
her." Will returned the smile, his wide grin so like Scully's that
it made Mulder's heart hurt. He slipped an arm around the boy's
shoulders, and gave him a loving squeeze - and Will leaned into his
dad, and laid his head on the strong shoulder so close to him.
And Will wasn't embarrassed about showing love for his dad, not at
all. Nor his mom, whom he loved so fiercely he sometimes ached. And
he felt very proud that his dad had trusted him enough to tell him
about the girl Kelly; glad that this girl had cared enough about Dad
to steer him in the right direction. She could have hurt him, a lot.
As young as he was, Will could see this. He was so glad things had
turned out the way they had... for if they hadn't then Will Mulder
would have either never existed... or would have been a completely
different person. And he was happy to be just the way he was, with
the life he had and the family he loved. Smart enough to know just
how lucky he was... and smart enough to provide a appropriately-vague
answer when his dad gave him one last shoulder-clasp, and spoke
affectionately to him.
"Guess we should head on in and eat; Mom's been very patient with
us; she hasn't yelled yet. By the way -" as he opened the front door
and pushed Will through in front of him - "you never did tell me...
how old IS this girl that's giving you the once-over? How much older
than you?" Will looked back over his shoulder at his dad, and his
face was alive with mischief as he replied in a non-committal,
innocent voice.
"Oh... old enough, Dad..."
end
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