Blonde Jokes

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

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Smart boy

Old man sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana at 0600 watching the sun rise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.  He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.   Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says back "Catch me some ducks."  Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.   Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.  Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy says "It's a pussy willow."  Old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

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Buying Condoms

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.  The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.  "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.  Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."  The young man makes his purchase and leaves.  Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.  He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.  The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."  He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

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My First Time :o)
 

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!

              As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on
              her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and
              offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

              "Well", said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."

              POOF:  The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into
              solid gold.

              "And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."

              POOF:  The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an
              exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.

              "Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother.  The elderly
              woman's dog raised his head a uttered a single, weak, hoarse
              "woof".  "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a
              handsome prince?"

              POOF:  There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned
              into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man
              anyone had ever seen.  More handsome than anyone could possibly
              imagine.

              She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.  As he came
              toward her, her knees weakened.  He bent down, brushing his
              lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry
              you ever had me neutered."

 What is a cat?

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They are totally unpredictable.
their every whim.
They are moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.

2. What is a dog?

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats

 A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver.
She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to.
She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies.
The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin.
The bus driver says no problem, he's not married.
The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass.
The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving, the bus driver said,
"Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's."
The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too.
My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."

 
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises
and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies,
"Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
 

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