Title: Taking Me Over
Rating: A MSR, Angst UST
Spoilers: small reference to Millennium
Archive: Yes, anywhere is fine by me just let me know thanks.
Summary: Scully fears that her actions may have tainted a
future with Mulder.
Feedback: Pretty please with sugar on top... I'd love to hear
from you- anyone- is there anyone out there? Email will be lovingly
received at xenoprobe@hotmail.com or
drop by my website at
www.angelfire.com/scifi/xenoprobe
Disclaimer: Ah... the mighty Chris Carter, the folks at 1013,
and the Fox Network are the proud keepers of these characters,
sadly not I- I just play with them
for personal entertainment purposes.
For the very first time I had someone beta for me... The wonderful
Belle from far away lands I hope to see someday was instrumental
in my posting of this story. She has encouraged me to follow this
up with a sequel- I'm working on it already- Thanks Belle!
**
Taking Me Over
By xenoprobe
"You look so fine, I want to break your heart
And give you mine, you're taking me over
It's so insane, you've got me tethered and chained-
I hear your name and I'm falling over.
I'm not like all the other girls,
I can't take it like the other girls
I won't share it like the other girls-
that you used to know."
You look so fine-Garbage
**
There was no way to survive this.
I was speeding, I knew it, but it felt good to just drive.
I slipped in my CD and hit play, cranked up the volume and
prayed it would drown out the hammering in my head. I can't
believe what an utter fool I was showing up at Mulder's like
that. After seven years of hiding my feelings, I should
have just let myself bury them at long last but,
no, I had to find out- had to show him that I was
beyond hiding anymore.
I wasn't sure how long I was driving around but it was
raining when I left his apartment, and it was raining
harder now. It figures that the elements would mock me
on a night like tonight.
A few hours ago, life was normal. I did things like
relax and read a book after work, soaking in bubbles
in my tub. But a few hours ago I was living a lie-
a complete lie. I was sitting under an afghan on the
couch and reached to put down my cup of coffee when I
noticed that the cover smelled of Mulder. I sat there
inhaling the trace of him, feeling like his ghost was
looming around, caressing my senses. I allowed myself
the simple pleasure of dreaming when I dozed off and
dreamt of him. We were in his apartment, tangled in
an exquisite kiss- tormenting each
other.
When I awoke I was so sad. I actually wept- I'm such
a fool.
This was not the first dream. There have been many,
more than I can count over the years. But this time
there was such simplicity in our kiss, that I was hungry
for it. You see, when I used to dream of Mulder's kiss,
I was blissfully unaware of the real sensation. But
since the passing of this New Year, I know it all too
well. He kissed me, when the clock struck twelve, when
the ball dropped in New York; he leaned over and kissed me.
It was a wonderful sensation and I couldn't mask my smile
when we broke away. But it was fleeting. The sadness
crept over me quickly, reminding me that this was one,
never-to-be-repeated moment between partners. Just
partners.
Since that night I've been aching. Knowing just how
sweet and completing the kiss felt was too real for my
heart. My fight to disguise my feelings from Mulder,
and myself for that matter, was lost at that moment
when our lips touched- the lie became too much.
**
So I sped along, missing the exit to my place. I
drove aimlessly listening to lyrics that hit a little
too close to home. "I'm open wide, I want to take
you home/we're wasting time, you're the only one for
me"
Why. Why was I so dumb as to have collected myself
from my couch, grab my car keys and drive to Alexandria
to embarrass myself in the middle of the night and put
an end to a perfectly wonderful working relationship?
I know the reason; I could not go on living the lie.
I pulled up in front of my apartment building, finally,
and turned off the ignition. My legs refused to function
so I sat there, watching the rain wash over my windshield,
distorting my view like a circus mirror. I sat there in
the cold and cried.
What had he said when I pulled away from kissing him,
kissing those full delicious lips? ("I can't-") He said
'I can't' and my heart plummeted into my chest, knocking
the breath out of me. I didn't even wait to see if he'd
say anything else, I just turned and walked away. His
expression was grave, he stood with his arms held out-
palms open to me and I walked out in tears.
I'd heard him call after me- heard the desperation in
his voice but I was on autopilot headed for my car.
**
**
"I can't-" I listened to those words slip from mouth and
saw my future crumble.
I was so glad, and surprised to see Scully through the
peephole of my door. It's a rare pleasure when she drops
by unannounced. I could see, however, that something
was wrong as soon as she crossed the threshold. I asked
her to sit, she said she couldn't, I asked her to tell
me what was wrong and she said nothing. I took her hand
and placed her palm over my heart and begged for her to
tell me what was going on and she started to sob.
She closed the gap between us in two tiny Scully-steps
and laid her cheek to my chest. After standing there,
holding her, feeling the rise and fall in her hiccuped
attempts to stop crying, I began to really panic. I
couldn't conceive of what could possibly break Scully's
iron resolve like this. Taking an opportunity I rarely
get, I pressed my lips to her forehead in hopes to help
her through whatever this was but she pulled back and
looked up at me. Her face was so open; her eyes were
rimmed with tears but were a perfect deep blue. She
slipped her small hand from underneath mine, reached
up and caressed my cheek. I closed my eyes, enjoying
this intimacy, enjoying how nice it was to know that
Scully could come to me for solace. I thought I was
dreaming when I heard her speak.
"I love you Mulder." Her voice was barely above a whisper
yet hoarse with honesty. I was floored. I was fucking
floored. Before I could say or do anything, she was
kissing me, kissing me and parting her lips and seeking
out my tongue and...and... I was in a blur of desire that
snapped as soon as I realized just how dangerous this was.
That's when I said it:
"I can't-"
It's not what I had wanted to say after hearing those
words from my partner, my partner who could kiss and how.
I was too late though; she bolted out the door- probably
out of my life- and left me standing there agape.
I sat down on my couch and realized I was uncomfortable,
everything around me was different and nothing felt like
home to me. I sat there licking my lips, tasting her,
remembering the feel of her velvety mouth pressing to me.
The sweetness of Scully's taste suddenly turned salty
and I realized I was crying. I lowered my head and let
it out.
**
"...You look so fine/ I'm like the desert tonight..."
**
I'm a fool, an idiot a Goddamned motherfucking idiot!
I could have sat there sobbing all night but the memory
of her mouth was too real. I rose, grabbed my keys and
headed for Scully's. I had to finish this; I had to tell
her. I needed her to know that I wanted to tell her that
I can't love her... can't allow myself the dream... but
I do, desperately.
**
**
I watched a car pull up outside my building, across
from where I sat. I knew, before I saw the door
open that it was Mulder. He was likely here to finish
the job, to try and resolve things, explain to me why he
can't. I didn't want to hear it; I couldn't stand the
idea of adding more salt to my wound so I sat there.
I watched him disappear into the building but when he
didn't emerge for over ten minutes I started to worry
that he was standing at my door screaming. My neighbours
would be calling the police soon. I cut the engine and
stepped out into the rain but was immediately immobilized
with fear of confronting him.
I could hear him now, hear him pounding the door-
calling me. The faint sound of his voice ('Scully!')
it was torture, like a toothache you can't leave
alone- sweet pain. I leaned against my car feeling
the rain soak through to my skin, not caring about
catching cold.
"Scully!" His voice jarred me. "What are you doing
standing out here?" I just shook my head.
"I can't do this right now Mulder- go home."
I put my hand out, keeping him at arm's length.
"Just let me get you inside- you're soaked through"
"Go home Mulder. I can't."
**
**
I was ready to kick in the door when I remembered
that I had her housekey in my coat in the car. I
came out and saw her there, soaking in the rain.
I wanted to collect her, take her inside, warm her,
and tell her the truth- the only truth. Instead, she
used my words against me. 'I can't.'
She wouldn't budge. The rain was pelting us both
and she was shivering, recoiled from my touch. I
stood there feeling helpless.
"Fine Scully, if you won't get indoors, we'll do
this in the street." I didn't let her get in a
word of protest. "You came to me tonight and showed
me something, something I'd always hoped for and I
fucked it up. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Scully, I
just wasn't expecting that from you- I didn't know
what to say and I fucked it up."
For the first time, she looked at me- right into me
and I could see, even through the rain, she'd been
crying, hard. I'd made Scully cry.
I stepped forward and collected her in my arms,
trying to shelter her from the pain I'd caused.
"I'm so sorry Scully." I kept repeating it, rocking
her in my arms but she was stiff and unyielding. After
a few moments she thrust her hands between us and
forced me away.
"I don't want your pity Mulder. Just forget this
ever happened and I'll see you in the office. Nothing
happened here tonight. Nothing. Just forget about
it ok?" Her voice was angry and she sidestepped me,
making a beeline for her apartment.
I would not forget; not for a million lifetimes would
I forget what her lips felt like. I'd never tire of
the taste of her mouth, never be anything but constantly
aware that she'd said 'I love you Mulder'.
"No!"
**
**
"I'm not like all the other girls/ I won't take it
like the other girls/ I won't fake it like the other
girls, that you used to know..."
**
**
He shouted after me, the sound in his cry was so
ragged and broken. I stopped and turned to face
him, standing in the middle of the night in the
middle of my street. He seemed to pause, then
a look crossed his face that changed everything.
He looked at me like I was the only thing in the
world, like he was hungry and I was desert. I
actually took three steps back when I registered
that he was walking toward me intently.
"Mulder, no." I couldn't take any more wrenching
of my heart tonight. He said nothing, just moved s
tealthily at me like I was prey. I shook my head 'no'
trying to convey I was too fragile, too tired, too
broken to take anymore of this but as he neared his
hands drew up and gripped my face; leather gloved
fingers stroking my tears in the rain. His hold
on me was firm and without hesitation he leaned in,
claiming my lips in a fervent kiss. I swooned. I
actually lost my footing.
He kept kissing me; the passion in him seeping into
me, rejuvenating the spark I had thought was killed
in his apartment earlier. His tongue parted my lips,
entered my mouth and swirled fiercely. The momentum
built, his one hand still holding my face, the other
tracing down my back- the heat from him pressing my
cold, wet clothes to my skin was sending sparks of
fire through my flesh. I was dizzy and feverish
and stumbled forward a bit when he pulled away.
I stared at his mouth, his pouty bottom lip swollen
and, glistening. I looked up and saw the raw emotion
in his regard and was set a-flame.
**
**
My God. Scully.
She stood there in front of me, soaking wet,
lips parted and eyes dreamy, looking like the
most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my sorry
son-of-a-bitch life. I had to tell her, had to
finish this and let the cards fall where they may.
"Scully I-" I watched her entire being shift and
brace for impact. Her guard was thrown up at lightening
speed- did she really think I was going to say I couldn't
do this- love her. I smoothed her hair from her gorgeous
face and stared her down. (Let down the armour Scully).
"When you came to me tonight, when you kissed me- I was
so shocked Scully, I didn't know what to do. I didn't
mean what I said- I couldn't finish what I started to say."
I watched her glance downward and traced my index
finger under her chin to pull her face to mine again.
I brushed her lips with mine; the sensation was electric.
I whispered, our lips still touching, "I was trying to
say I can't love you... shouldn't love you... there
are so many dangers, so many odds stacked against us
and I want you safe- I can't fathom any more pain for
you Scully. I've tried to convince myself for a long
time now, that I simply can't love you. But the truth
Scully- the truth is that I do, and I can't live without
this now, not after touching you like this, not after
tasting your mouth and feeling you pressed against me.
I can't go on without it, without you."
Her mouth seared mine, halting my words, kissing them
back into me. I slid my hands down her back and
pressed her body to mine, feeling the subtle sharpness
of her hips against me, I moaned into her mouth.
"Scully... Oh Scully, I love you. Love you so much,
sweetheart." I couldn't stop breathing out the words
between hot, tiny kisses; our lips pressed together
as I lead her up the steps to her apartment and finally
out of the rain.
**
**
"You're taking me over... over and over/I'm falling
over... over and over..."
**
**
As the door shut behind us and his kisses found me
again, I was awake and alive. The lie had been
shattered. We pressed 'I love you's' between tangled
kisses and fell into the couch, shedding wet clothes
for the comfort of touch and warmed flesh. If I dream
tonight, I will no longer cry for the idea of Mulder's
kiss. I will love and hold him instead.
**
FIN
Lyrics by Garbage are used without permission; they
just worked really well for what I wanted to write.
Hope you like the piece, I have been trying to write
with a little more angst, but my happily-ever-after
shippy side prevailed. Please send comments/
feedback, I need to know what you think... thanks.
xenoprobe@hotmail.com
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