You press the "buy" button on the cable remote just as the
scramble signal begins ...
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
{The view unscrambles to show a scene of an oblong table,
surrounded by men in severe formal dress, each with a national
flag standing behind their chairs (Russia, Japan, Germany,
England, America, Canada, Mexico, Spain, etc.). They seem to be
arguing over some heated topic, many standing up and pounding on
the table, etc.}
[Voiceover]
When tempers flare ... when words are not enough ...
when events demand a call for action ...
{Two of the men stand back from the table, with a "this means
war" expression.}
[VO]: then no borders can contain the explosive force,
no diplomacy can avoid ... an INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT!
{The two men make "waving in" motions, and a pair of nondescript
wrestlers hop up on the table from nowhere, grappling up as the
uninvolved men generally begin acting like fans; one of the
wrestlers bodyslams the other to break the table, and stands up,
lifting his arms in a cheering posture, as the camera focus zooms
towards and over him, the scene blurring out of focus ...}
=================================================================
{... then dissolves into a view of a crowded arena filled with
cheering fans.}
MOLSON CENTRE, MONTREAL, QUEBEC
{The camera dissolves to a long slow pan along the crowd, showing
fans waving a LOT of Jerry Straite posters, plus a "Danny Boy
McGill: The Next Generation" posters here and there, a Steve the
Insane PlushPal(tm), and signs saying "WELCOME BACK, ANGELA",
"GARDNER FEARS ROADHOUSE", and a creative collage with magazine
cutouts of the Chaos Brothers with North American belts pasted
on them.}
>>PRESSBOX<<
Wwe see an athletic blonde woman in a smartly-cut blue ski-suit;
a sandy-blond man with a "Fu Manchu" mustache, wearing a black
pearl-buttoned dress shirt, buckskin jacket, cowboy hat, and
silver bolo tie; and a smaller blond man barely visible within
his well-oversized fur parka, with a pastel-blue sweater tied
around the hood like a cape. AWI fans will recognize the trio
as Heather Rasputin, Stan Jurgens, and Kyle Esprit.}
[Heather Rasputin]
WELCOME, everybody, to this first INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT, the
Contest of Champions! This is Heather Rasputin, coming to you
live and direct from the Molsen Centre in the heart of Quebec--
[Kyle Esprit]
Also known as the West Pole ... you know, I went to look at the
thermometer this morning, and the hotel manager told me there
weren't any -- NOTHING stays LIQUID at room temperature in
Canada!
[Heather]
Actually, I've found the weather rather refreshing ...
[Kyle]
{snort} And you call yourself a Californian.
[Heather]
{sigh} With me tonight, as you've undoubtedly noticed, are Stan
"the Man" Jurgens, and Kyle Esprit--
[Kyle]
That's "Kyle Esprit, the manager of the next AWI champion of the
world", Heather!
[Heather]
{somewhat surprised} You're not actually saying you've SIGNED Ken
Mischief or Greg Gardner, are you?
[Kyle]
Well, not as such -- just that whichever of those two is talented
enough to take the title is BOUND to be intelligent enough to
seek out the Man with Everything and More from the California
Shore to *keep* it ...
[Stan]
If they can beat their way into the title, Kyle, I don't reckon
they're going to need you for much more than polishing duty.
[Kyle]
Hey, that's worth 5% right there!
[Heather]
ANYWAYS, we have an incredible night of action for those watching
tonight on pay-per-view, closed circuit, satellite, or digital
television ... nearly every title sanctioned by the AWI will be
going on the line in bouts tonight, from Robbie Stevens's
Television Champion ...
[Stan]
{snort} In Texas, he'd have to be taking on ALL the Grey
Guardians to actually COUNT as "going on the line" ...
[Heather]
... to the Crystal Crow's North American championship, which
Jerry Straite has promised to bring back home right here in sight
of his own countrymen!
[Kyle]
That'd be impossible -- they've only got 2 feet of visibility
through all the snow ...
[Heather]
We're INSIDE, Kyle ... Not to mention the two vacant titles which
stand ready to be filled tonight ... the Chaos Brothers and Agony
& Ecstasy will bring a finale to the exciting North American Tag
Team championship tournament ... and Spring Stampede winner Ken
Mischief squares off against the "War Machine" Greg Gardner to
pick up the World Heavyweight championship! In fact, there's just
TOO much action on this card to sum up before we START the
action -- let's go to Rod Allen in the ring!
>>RING<<
[Rod Allen]
LADIIIEEES AAAND GENTLEMEEEN! Allied Wrestling INTernational
would like to welcome you all here tonight, to INTERNATIONAL
INCIDENT!
{The crowd pops for itself.}
[Allen]
Your first match tonight is a tag team event scheduled for one
fall, with a fifteen-minute time limit ... introducing first,
currently in the ring ... weighing a combined 450 pounds ...
Alex, and Kieth, Matthews ...
And their opponents ... at a combined total weight of 478
pounds ...
{The lights dim, as "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning"
by Smashing Pumpkins plays softly and slowly over the speakers,
gradually gaining volume ... blue-green lasers draw attention to
the wall opposite the entrance ramp, creating a stick-figure of
a man using circuitry designs ... the lasers gradually condense
their picture from taking up the whole wall to being nearly
man-size at the emergency exit -- at which point the area is
filled with jets of steam ... when the cloud clears, the lasers
are illuminating a large man in a black bodysuit, with circuitry
designs the same color as the lasers across the suit ... the
video walls play footage from previously-run commercials, with
the words "THE TOMORROW MAN ..." flashing at high speed across
it ...
The music speeds up as it switches to "The End is the Beginning
Is the End," and the main entrance ramp is suddenly alive with
jets of flame forming an arch across the entrance ... a much
smaller man dressed in black, orange, and silver tights and a
similarly designed mask comes jogging down to ringside while the
video wall changes to announce "EL HOMBRE OCTUBRE ..."
The pair reach the ring near-simultaneously, meeting in its
center; the video wall changes its flashing message to "YOU ARE
ABOUT TO RECEIVE:" ... the Tomorrow Man launches forth a cloud
of greenish mist into the air, and El Hombre Octubre somersaults
under it, tossing up a flash of flame which ignites the mist in
a bright burst, before the pair head to their corner, as the
video wall finishes, "FUTURE SHOCK. THERE IS NO TIME TO
PREPARE."}
[Kyle]
With what we just saw, I think I could've bought two
Jaguars, a Boxster, and a second beach home in Malibu.
[Heather]
You have to admit, it was a ... distinctive entrance.
[Stan]
And if this was Universal Studios Theme Park, their
careers would be made. But you don't beat opponents
with cheap theatrics, and if it's all the same to
the AWI, I'd like to see these guys /wrestle/ first.
{The match starts up with Alex in the ring against El Hombre
... he catches the preliminary wrestler off guard with a
dropkick, whips him into the ropes, and hits a 'rana.}
[Heather]
And a hurricarana right from the start! This man
certainly doesn't seem to lack confidence!
[Kyle]
You'll notice it lacked the elegance of the Tiger's
Pounce?
[Heather]
Don't even start ... and he shows some technical
knowledge, as well, slipping Matthews into reverse
head scissors ...
[Stan]
I'm not going to slam El Hombre Octubre. He gave
Steve the Insane a tough debut match way back at
Knock Around the Clock two years ago, if anybody
remembers. And I saw him in some great matches in the
FWA. But he was strictly a cruiserweight among
cruiserweights then. I'm not sure how he'll work in a
tag team, where you don't get to make sure your
opponents don't outweigh you by fifty pounds.
[Heather]
He is one of the smaller wrestlers in the AWI as of the
opening bell, Stan -- you might have a point-- what a
move!
{The move in question follows Matthews's escape from the lock,
and subsequent whipping Octubre into the ropes, leaning down for
a back body drop -- El Hombre stops in time, and hoists the
bigger man up in a tiger-bomb.)
[Heather]
Octubre gets a two-count out of that, and seems to
think a change is in order, tagging in the Tomorrow Man
... and we don't even have FWA footage to go from on
him.
[Kyle]
I'll bet we DO! That build SEEMED awfully familiar ...
oh, that sneaky Mexican! He must've talked one of the
lugs from Frontier to team with him! Maybe 'Babyface'
Billy Gerber! Yeah, we haven't seen him around in
awhile -- and I remember Octubre hanging pretty close
to him ...
[Stan]
Kyle, they were in a MATCH at the time.
[Heather]
Bodyslam by Tomorrow Man ... really, Kyle, these two
don't have to "be" anyone under the mask. It's sort of
a tradition in lucha promotions like the A.L.L., where
these two hail from -- a mask is a symbol of your
warrior's spirit.
[Kyle]
It's the symbol of a sneaky coward probably trying to
ambush me! I'll bet Mississippi Queen put Gerber up to
this. Or-or wait, maybe it's the X-ecutioner ...
{While Kyle blathers, the Tomorrow Man hoists Matthews up in a
gutwrench suplex ... then slips behind him and nails a German
suplex -- keeps the hold, rolls to his feet, and hits ANOTHER
German in one smooth motion ... while the audience cheers in
appreciation, the video wall helpfully replays it, flashing
"!MULTIPLEX!" at random intervals ...}
[Stan]
Saves us the trouble of naming it.
[Kyle]
Who do I know that used belly-to-back suplexes ...
[Heather]
Another tag made, this might be it for Alex, who seems
dead on his feet ... El Hombre off the top with a
somersault--
{El Hombre's somersault lands him on Matthews's shoulders, and
after a moment to regain his bearings, he rolls forward to catch
Matthews in a pinning predicament, as the screen flashes "EL
DIABLO VOLAS" ...}
[Heather]
And Tom Newman with the count ... 1 ... 2 ... and we've
got ourselves a winner!
{"The End is the Beginning is the End" keys up again, as the pair
leave the ring, each taking a different side of the aisle to greet
the fans.}
>>PRESSBOX<<
[Heather]
Interesting tag team combination, and one I'm sure is going to
have a lot to show the competition here in the AWI ...
[Stan]
I reckon they'd better, since it'll take a championship salary
to pay for them promos of theirs.
>>AISLE<<
{"Mississippi Queen" by Mountain cues up on the PA and the
Mississippi Queen herself walks down the aisle shaking hands and
waving to the crowd. Dressed in a forest green evening gown she
makes her way around the ring up the steps and eases in between
the first and second ropes. She gets handed a microphone by one
of the production staff and waves to the fans again.}
[Kyle]: Oh, NO ... the /last/ thing I need is this.
[Mississippi Queen]
Hello, Canada! I just wanted to come out and compliment the
people of Montreal for an incredible time we've had. You have a
beautiful city and country, and if I didn't know better I'd
swear this was the birthplace of Southern hospitality.
I really wish I could be wrestling here at International
Incident, but those are the breaks. Next time I hope to be able
to return some of the gratitude each of you has shown me and my
family this weekend by getting in the ring.
Now, back to business. It seems certain individuals in the AWI
prefer to talk instead of wrestle, and to top it off they enjoy
taking pot shots and making wisecracks about my family.
[Kyle]: Yeah, we call those people "entertaining".
[Queen]
You've all heard that little coward Jason Wrath come out here
week in and week out with something unflattering to say about
my brothers and me. And if you can believe it, Doug Abercrombie
has continued to run his mouth about how good he could be to
ladies like me and Angela. {laughs}
The South, much like Canada I'm told, has a strong tradition of
family; and I'm sure you all know that as a strong woman I'm not
one to back down.
But! This time I am choosing to step aside and defer to someone
who has a lot to say about this topic. So, 'Hardliner' Jason
Wrath, {snicker} Doug Abercrombie, and anybody else ... I want
you to listen long and hard to what is about to happen.
>>AISLE<<
{The lights in the arena go out, and as soon as total darkness
engulfs the arena a lone spotlight illuminates the aisleway
entry. Then "Strutter" by KISS blasts across the PA system,
leaving little doubt as to what happens next.}
[Kyle]: This ... this is not happening ...
{From behind the curtain appears "The Strutter" T.R. Parker
dressed in a tuxedo with forest green cummerbund. Waving to the
crowd and slapping hands down the aisle, he makes his way to the
ring, where he enters and struts around the perimeter before
giving his wife of one year a kiss as the lights come back up.}
[TR Parker]
So this is the AWI? Niiiice. I think I'm going to like it here.
[Kyle]: It's going to be like having Kerry in stereo,
only worse.
[Parker]
First things first ... Family ... we all have them, some we
choose and some we don't. But no matter what anyone thinks, they
are what makes us who we are. There is a saying in Las Vegas
where I come from that when something happens once, it is
happenstance. Twice, and it is coincidence. Three times and it is
enemy action. Think long and hard about that.
Secondly, I'll be perfectly honest with all you people. I don't
know how long I'm going to be here, but I can guarantee that the
heat just got turned up several degrees when that curtain parted.
I know there are plenty of guys all around this sport that want
a crack at the Strutter, and I *always* aim to please.
So, all you guys in the back, get out your pens, pencils, and
crayons. Get your wives, girlfriends, daughters, and parole
officers to drive you down to the AWI corporate offices. There
you will find open contracts galore, all with The Strutter's
autograph on them. Just sign your name and prepare to find out
what leaves the men crying, and the ladies sighing ... Queen, it
is time to Strut!
{With that, Parker offers an arm and he escorts Mississippi
Queen from the ring down the aisle high fiving and slapping
hands with the fans.}
>>PRESSBOX<<
{Our announcing crew looks on with varying expressions of
surprise.}
[Heather]
Can you BELIEVE it? "The Strutter" T.R. Parker ... one of the
hottest young stars in the regional circuit, a former Atlantic
Wrestling Association champion -- is now, apparently, ready to
make a name for himself here in the AWI?
[Stan]
It was only a matter of time, Heather. You look at this kid's
resume, and he's already accomplished most everything that
/doesn't/ have "AWI" stamped in its gold. And, well ... you saw
the other reason standing next to him. A man'd have to be three
shades of idiot not to tee off on anyone makin' the kind of
cracks Abercrombie and his kin have in the past, just on the
/off/ chance it rankled her.
[Kyle]
What *I* can't believe is that he's solving my worries for me!
For a moment, I thought he could actually be a *problem*, that
this was going to be one more Mississippi moron poking his nose
where it didn't belong ... but he's gone and given the whole
league an open invitation to send him packing back to the
podunks! How long do you REALLY think a guy like that is going to
last against AWI talent like Tank Bradley, Ken Mischief, Reverend
Jeremiah James, or Intensive Care?
[Heather]
Only time will tell ... and speaking of time, it's now time for
our next event ... which marks the return to the ring of the
"Mastermind" Alliyah Johnston -- and there's definitely no love
lost between her and her opponent tonight ...
=================================================================
AWI Explosion, February 17th, 1998
["Ringmaster" Dacia Blackthorne]
You bet your life I am! Taylor, I had you beat three times in
that match and your girlfriend bailed you out! So that tells me
despite all of your trash talk and mouth, your not even in the
same ballpark I am. As for you, Johnston, I'm upping the ante a
little bit. I can remember three matches in my time here in the
AWI where I had a clean cut loss. Every other time I took the
"L", it was because of somebody's stupid idea of high-jinxs
and shenanigans.
[Kyle]: Unfortunately, that outlines your whole
CAREER.
[RMDB]
Well this a time I'm asking you too put your money where your
mouth is. Our 'Put Up or Shut Up' match is still on, and I wanna
raise the stakes a little bit. {Dacia takes off her jacket and
shades and tosses them into the corner, as if preparing for a
match.} Since your so big and high and mighty on yourself,
Johnston, why not put this match on the map? If I win, you retire
from broadcasting in the AWI ... PERMANENTLY. Not another peep,
wisecrack, or smart remark for one whole year! GOT IT!?
{The fans cheer slightly.}
[CD]
Pretty high stakes for Ms. Johnston, Dacia. I can only ask what
are the consequences for you should you lose?
[RMDB]
If by some chance I lose to Alliyah Johnston Chad, then I won't
wrestle in the AWI for the next year.
[Kyle]: Like you've EVER wrestled here -- most I see,
you just sit around getting Bankbreakered!
[RMDB]
Now don't get me wrong. I've thought this through and I realize
the chances of me getting a clean match against Johnston are
"zero and hell no", so here's the catch.
{Dacia takes the microphone from Chad and approaches the camera
to get a good shot of her face.}
The match takes place with one fall ... a thirty minute time
limit ... one-on-one ... inside ... A CAGE!
=================================================================
Later, same night ...
["Mastermind" Alliyah Johnston]
Dacia ... to paraphrase the classic quote ... "I am not an animal
... I'm a woman. A woman." As such, I will not demean myself by
stepping into a cage of any type with you.
{Dacia goes to say something, but Johnston pulls the microphone
away.}
HOWEVER ... I do share your concern about outside interference.
My concern, though, stems from your hitwoman ... bodyguard ...
whatever term you'd like to use today ... Susan O'Malley. So,
rather than disrespect ourselves in {shudders} a cage, why don't
we simply stipulate that anyone appearing illegally at ringside
is suspended for 30 days? That way, when O'Malley attempts her
interference, she'll not only be embarrassed for her
ineffectiveness, but will be appropriately punished.
{Dacia glares intently at Alliyah for a *LONG* time and the fans
get their worth by egging the two stars on with rhythmic clapping
and chants of 'Black-Thorne ... Black-Thorne.' Dacia finally
takes the mic from Alliyah.}
[RMDB]
You know Alliyah, I've warned you once about putting my friends
names in your mouth with any sort of negative connotation. And
quite frankly once is enough.
[Kyle]: As if one could put any POSITIVE spin on Susan
O'Freak's name.
{Dacia steps into Alliyah's face and gets nose to nose with her.}
But since O'Malley could take you any day of the week like she
did your half-wit buddy Taylor, I won't waste time slapping your
teeth down your throat. And since it's obvious you're afraid to
step inside the cage with the one person you know can kick your
ass all over oblivion ... I'll accept your terms just to prove to
you, and the world, your just a washed-up media hound pretending
to be a wrestler.
[Kyle]: At least she's GOT a day job, honey!
[MAJ]
{ignoring Dacia's comments} Oh ... one other thing. I understand
Comedy Central may be interested in giving the AWI some airtime
in the future. As such, it would not be best for the league if
you are suspended, since your matches are the AWI's main source
of humor material. I have no problem risking my broadcast career,
because /I/ know that you will not be able to pin me or make me
submit in my glorious AWI return match. So ... we can keep that
stipulation. ON the other hand ... rather than risking your own
career ... why don't we simply have you give me both a public
apology for your derogatory statements towards me as well as a
public admittance that you simply talk TOO much? Fair?
{Alliyah extends her hand for Dacia to shake it and Dacia SPITS
on her hand.}
[Kyle]: Just call her Dacia Alomar.
[RMDB]
Your handshake to me is just as good as your half-hearted
attempts at fair wrestling. Just sign your name on the contract
we'll settle it in the ring.
[Kyle]: Go on, Heather -- tell me what a sportsman
Dacia is, huh, huh?
[Heather]: Given all the ... well, I can't say what I'd
like to call it, since I'm still SITTING in this
broadcaster's chair ... but frankly, Kyle, I think
after what Johnston's said and done, Dacia can be
forgiven for being a little ... curt.
[Paul]: A little Curt? Heather, didn't we get enough of
this trans thing with Robbie and Freechild?
{Dacia gets in Alliyah's face again and starts jawing at her.
Alliyah turns her back to Dacia non-chalantly, and heads for the
ropes.}
[Kyle]: Yeahyeahyeah, be the big Blackthorne apologist.
Face it -- Johnston is RIGHT, as always, and Dacia's
just not big enough a woman to ADMIT it! Which is
surprising, since "big" is the first word I usually
associate with Dacia ...
{Dacia turns back to say something to the crowd.}
[Heather]: And ALLIYAH'S BACK WITH A CHAIRSHOT!!!
{Alliyah whacks Dacia with a chair she picked up through the
ropes, and then grabs her from behind. She puts her head against
Dacia's back, holding her arms, and spins around to put Dacia
under her before falling to the mat.}
[Heather]: Oh, no -- MINDBLOWER!!!
[Kyle]: Quick question: what's the last thing to go
through Dacia's head just then? THE MAT!!!
{Alliyah rolls out of the ring with a smug expression, as ring
attendants show up to check on Dacia.}
=================================================================
[Kyle]
Can we replay that last few seconds a couple times? I'd like to
grab some popcorn, maybe hire a small catering group, some
background musicians ...
[Heather]
Kyle, that's horrible ... Alliyah Johnston is, if anything, just
proving Dacia's words--
[Kyle]
From where I'm sitting, babe, what she's proving is that she can
kick Dacia's tail! I mean, it's obvious that Mindblower scrambled
widdle poor Wingmastuh's brains something good -- which is to
say, worse than the bathtub hooch she uses for her teatime skosh
-- after all, we're over 20 minutes into this show and Dacia
hasn't hogged any camera time to make one of her self-important
vintage whines!
>>RING<<
[Rod Allen]
Ladies and gentlemen, our next bout is set for one fall, with a
time limit of fifteen minutes ... entering the ring first, from
the Loch Ness in Scotland ... the "Ringmaster", DACIA
BLACKTHORNE!!!
{"Scottish Funeral March" plays on the PA, as the crowd begins to
cheer on Dacia during her walk to ringside.}
[Allen]
And her opponent tonight ... {pauses to look at the card in his
hand as if double-checking it} accompanied to ringside tonight
by her manager, who returns to AWI action tonight, "Mastermind"
Alliyah Johnston ...
[Heather]: MANAGER?!? I thought she was supposed to be
FIGHTING this match!
[Stan]: Uh-oh ... looks like some contract magic has
just been abracadabra'd.
[Allen]
... weighing in at 148 lbs., from Baltimore, Maryland ... "COOL"
KITTY TAAAYLOR!!!
{"Cat Scratch Fever" by Ted Nugent fills the air, as Kitty and
Alliyah make their way to ringside, looking awfully smug.}
[Heather]: Ohhhhhh boy, does Dacia look steamed now ...
and rightfully so, I might add!
{Both women enter the ring, and Alliyah motions for Allen, saying
something to him.}
[Allen]
{clears throat} I've been notified to remind the audience that
any person appearing *illegally* at ringside will be suspended
from AWI activity for a period of 30 days.
[Heather]: {dryly} And, of COURSE, as a manager,
Johnston doesn't consider herself "illegal". Cute.
[Kyle]: We sit in the presence of genius, and you call
it "cute?" Heather, have you ever wondered what reason
there might be as to why you're sitting at an
announcer's table pulling, what, five figures, and
she's loaded with cash and managing a future women's
champion?
[Heather]: I figured it had something to do with
principles and integrity.
[Kyle]: That and $500 will let you caddy my next round
at Pebble Beach.
[Rod Allen]
Your referee for this match is Tom Newman.
{The bell rings and Taylor fakes a lock-up, then backs off and
rolls out of the ring. She stays out for a bit, conferring with
Alliyah, before rolling back inside. The two lock up in a collar
elbow, and Taylor shoves Blackthorne off, hopping out of the
ring again.}
[Stan]: Apparently, Taylor's strategem for this match
is to make Dacia so mad she chokes on her own bile.
[Kyle]: Not possible -- bile comes from the liver, and
I doubt Rotgut Sally there has much of one left.
[Heather]: We're NOT getting into this, Kyle.
{Taylor gets back into the ring, and the two lock up again in a
collar-elbow tie-up. Taylor pushes Dacia down to one knee, then
applies a trapezius pinch.}
[Heather]: "Cool" Kitty quickly moving to a
technician's approach, applying pressure to the
trapezius muscles ...
[Kyle]: {lowered voice} All those fancy effects --
gotta be someone already rich ... no, couldn't be -- he
wouldn't do that to me ...
[Heather]: What are you mumblin-- you're STILL
obsessing about Future Shock, aren't you?
[Kyle]: HEY, I know a set-up when I see one!
[Stan]: Yeah, I reckon he's designed his fair share.
[Kyle]: First Rio Grande Spassky shows up to help out
that loser Kerry-- HEY! Masks ... Mexico ... that's
it! Spassky brought in his Gringo pals!
[Stan]: I don't think that theory holds much water ...
on account that the FCC *let* us run those Shock
prerecorded comments, which has never been a trait of
the Gringos.
[Heather]: For the last time, Kyle, try to understand
this: sometimes people just wear masks in Mexico. When
they come to America, they don't unmask, because the
mask is as much a part of them as their own faces. Got
it?
[Kyle]: Explain Mariposa de Hierro, then.
[Heather]: {sigh} I give up.
[Kyle]: I don't want YOU to give up, I want Dacia to
give up, so Taylor doesn't have to waste any more time
before the celebration party.
[Stan]: Niiice segue. Wasn't sure you were even payin'
attention ...
{Dacia breaks out, and Taylor rolls her in a small package.}
[Stan]: ... but, you'd better call a delay on that
champagne ...
[Kyle]: Not necessarily -- look!
[Heather]: Quick pin rollup, and-- and a handful of
tights! Newman doesn't see it ... one ... two ... but
Dacia manages to tilt aside to break up the pin!
{As the pair are getting back to their feet, Dacia grabs Taylor
and spins her in a neckbreaker.}
[Heather]: And Dacia with a high impact maneuver!
{She stands up and drags Kitty to her feet, dropping her back to
the mat with a Russian legsweep.}
[Heather]: And ANOTHER! She's really starting to take
out that frustration on Kitty Taylor ... no doubt,
she'd rather it was Alliyah Johnston in the ring,
though!
{She grabs Kitty by the head as Taylor stands, and bulldogs her,
then picks her up and DDTs her.}
[Heather]: NOW we're seeing the Ringmaster who came
inches away from the Women's championship ...
[Kyle]: Close only counts in horseshoes and high-yield
investment bonds ... of course, I'm only guessing on
the horse-thingie.
{Dacia drags her back up, but Taylor scratches at her eyes, then
throws her out of the ring.}
[Stan]: Reckon that's where "Cat Scratch Fever" comes
in.
[Heather]: I don't believe it! Taylor with a cheap shot
tactic, and now Dacia is in no man's -- or woman's --
land, with Alliyah Johnston ready and waiting ...
[Kyle]: What's not to believe? If you can learn
anything from watching Dacia Blackthorne, it's that
she's dense enough to fall victim to ANY plan of an ...
unconventional nature ...
[Heather]: ILLEGAL, you mean!
{Alliyah kicks Dacia, who responds with a clothesline.}
[Heather]: Alliyah with a shot to Dacia's midsection --
but DACIA TAKES HER DOWN!!! You go, girl! Dacia's
bringing Alliyah back to her feet for more punishment
-- wait a minute -- what the heck?
>>AISLE<<
{A woman in a candy-red bodysuit and mask comes walking briskly
down the aisle.}
[Heather]: Who is THAT?
{She scoops Dacia up from behind and drops her backfirst on a
knee.}
[Heather]: Oh, NO! Dacia ambushed from behind by this
mystery woman -- Alliyah seems as surprised as us,
though with the "Mastermind", that could be feigned
shock.
[Kyle]: Oh, you and your biased accusations -- look at
her! She's not helping the Fire Engine there, is she?
She's probably worried about taking the collateral
damage!
{She then drags Dacia back to her feet and hoists her into a
torture rack.}
[Heather]: And now the newcomer POWERING Dacia up into
a painful submission hold -- I think Newman's seen this
attack, though ...
{Newman is beginning to make a countout, but spots this, and
signals for the ring bell instead.}
[Heather]: I suppose Blackthorne can take some
consolation in that -- later on -- but for now she's
still trapped in that agonizing backbreaker -- BUT HERE
COMES THE QUEEN!!!
[Kyle]: You know, I'm beginning to think Mississippi's
state hobby is the buzzkill.
>>AISLE<<
{The Mississippi Queen rushes down the aisle, making a beeline
for the mystery woman; the Woman in Red tosses Blackthorne
between them, and heads back down the aisle, as Queen checks to
make sure Blackthorne's OK.}
[Rod Allen]
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match, as a result of a
disqualification ... the "RINGMASTER" ... DACIA ...
BLACKTHORNE!!!
[Stan]: Which I'm sure she'll be happy to hear about as
soon as her spine knits.
[Heather]: This is an *atrocious* ending -- Dacia left
with a victory on paper, but a hollow resolution of her
grudge with Alliyah, and a savaged back at the hands of
this mystery woman ...
[Kyle]: "Mystery woman"? Come ON, Heather, it doesn't
take a Sherlock Holmes to figure this one out ... the
way she stuck her nose where it didn't belong, the way
she just rag-dolled a near-two-hundred pound woman like
Dacia around, and that backbreaker rac-- no, let's not
beat around the bush with generic terms here. She
practically signed her name with that hold, Heather --
because we ALL know, THAT was the CHILD'S PLAY -- which
means your perpetrator is none other than MADELINE
FREECHILD!!!
[Heather]: That's PREPOSTEROUS! What reason would
Madeline have to attack Dacia?
[Kyle]: Who WOULDN'T have a reason to attack that
blowhard bi-- er, chick ... especially a woman who
values her OWN camera time as much as Freechild, and
can't afford to have some Loch Ness lush sucking it all
up!
[Heather]: That's *ridiculous* ... of course, I can't
deny, that *was* Freechild's trademark submission hold,
but ... anyways, it looks like we're ready for our next
match.
{"Nothing But A Good Time" by Poison comes over the PA and the
crowd boos. They boo even more are Robbie Stevens comes out from
the locker room wearing the TV title belt, tights which look like
the American flag, a US Women's Hockey Jersey and a cape made of
the Czech Republic and Finnish flags sewn together. Robbie taunts
the crowd all the way down to the aisle. He gets in the ring and
swipes the microphone away from the announcer.}
[Robbie]
I would like to say it's good to be here in Quebec... but I'd be
lying. It stinks being in this third world nation with a bunch of
loser frogs like you ...
{The crowd says: BOOOO!}
Let me start off by saying ... Our chicks can beat up your chicks
any day of the week!
{Robbie shows off the Hockey Jersey; this nets him another
bucketful of boos.}
And since it's the law up here they everything has to be in
French as well as English, let me translate it for you ignorant
cross dressing lumberjacks ... "Le chicks de le United States
kicked le butts de Le cows de le Canada!"
{The crowd boos some more as Grey Guardian V walks up to Robbie
and taps him on his shoulder.}
[Kyle]: All that talent, and he speaks French, too!
[Robbie]
{still facing away from the GGV and pushing him back} You hold
your horses, I'll beat you as soon as I'm done ... Canada is so
pathetic that even though you have about 1 month a year up here
that's not winter, you're still terrible at winter sports. With
a team full of professional athletes, the supposed best players
in the world, you can't even beat Finland or the Czech Republic!
You're all losers!
{GGV taps on Robbie's shoulder again and Robbie pushes him away
again.}
[Robbie]
I'm not done yet ... I'll take care of you in a minute ...
{GGV turns away from Robbie and seems to be pulling something
from out of his tights.}
[Robbie]
Now I understand why Quebec wants to be independent from the rest
of the country. And you know what? I'm all for it. I think you
frogs should be your own little country ... because the minute
you do, the United States is gonna come up here, kick your beaver
trapping butts, make you speak English and make you the 51st
state! And we won't even need are military to do it, we'll send
our Salvation Army up here and we'll have you conquered within
three hours. It won't be much of a fight either ... that fat boy
over there might take two blankets to take out but that's about
the biggest challenge we'll have.
{GGV taps Robbie on the shoulder again, once again Robbie pushes
him away.}
[Robbie]
Stop interrupting me ...
{GGV whirls around Robbie and decks him with a punch. Coins start
rolling all over the ring.}
[Heather]: HOLY COW!!! Robbie LAID OUT by what can only
be described as a cheap shot, however deserved, from
the Guardian--
[Stan]: Cheap? I'm counting at LEAST ten bucks in
quarters down there, Heather ...
[Heather]: Curtis Keyes is having words with Grey
Guardian V ... the Guardian just pushes him away! He's
-- he's pulling off his mask ...
{Grey Guardian unmasks, to reveal the broadly grinning face of
the "Wrestling Expert" Ed Carr.}
[Heather]: IT'S ED CARR! ROBBIE'S TEACHER WAS UNDER
THAT MASK!
[Stan]: Attention, class -- school's back in session
... {soto voce} damn good going, kid.
{Ed grabs a microphone.}
[Ed Carr]
Robbie, I think I speak for everyone here when I say ... SHUT
UP!!!
[Heather]: And HOW!!!
[Carr]
I warned you Stevens ... but you just don't like to listen. Well,
I think you're gonna listen now. See, I'm a little different than
a lot of folks around here. I don't follow the {coughs} sanctity
of the rulebook as much as others. I'd like to think my
intentions are good ... hell, I'm goin' after you, so I think
everyone here would think my intentions are good.
{Crowd pop.}
Robbie, you may think you know every dirty trick in the book ...
but I'm not quite done writing the book. You have your little
Team Stevens ... they're on my list too. I'm not sweating them,
'cause I've got a couple friends. Get used to looking up at
those lights Robbie, 'cause you're gonna be doing a lot of it.
Oh, yeah ... the arm's fine, in case you were wondering {smirks}.
{He drops the mike and heads out, as Curtis helps Robbie out of
the ring, yelling something to Rod Allen, who visibly shrugs and
steps into the ring.}
[Heather]: Robbie Stevens, until now one of the AWI's
masters of the head game, has just been well and truly
aced by the man who brought him into the wrestling
world!
[Stan]: Today ... I sit before you ... the happiest man
... on the face of the Earth ...
[Kyle]: How can you sit there and take pleasure in
Robbie's misery?
[Stan]: Try putting John Robertson's face over
Robbie's. It works wonders.
[Rod Allen]
Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has ruled this match no
contest--
>>AISLE<<
{"The Master Of The Northern Lights Suplex" Maurice Jackson
suddenly charges down the aisle. He's not looking pleased, and
the crowd is already booing him for holding up the action.}
[Heather]: Oh, no -- what does HE want?
[Stan]: Offhand, I'd say the microphone.
{Jackson rolls into the ring and grabs the microphone from Rod,
then looks around at the crowd before speaking.}
[Mr. NLS]
Alright, I have HAD IT with that snivelling little jerk, "The
Worthless One" Kerry Masters!
{Pop from the crowd when Masters's name is mentioned.}
You see, I got pretty tired of waiting around, while his lawyers
go over every last INCH of our match contract ... seems to me,
he's just SCARED!
{Bigger boos from the crowd.}
So Masters, I'm calling ... you ... OUT!
{Nothing happens. A "Ker-ry ... Ker-ry" chant starts up.}
Oh yeah, he's yer little HERO, ain't he? Well, where's your hero
now?
{The Prince-High-Pitched-Scream fills the arena, as "Gett Off"
keys up.}
>>AISLE<<
{"The Awesome One" Kerry Masters, in street clothes, pops
through the curtains, house mic in hand, and a grin on his face.}
[TAOKM]
I'm where every good hero should be ... walking down the deserted
street, ready for the showdown with the evil, despicable,
non-sense-of-humor-having, and, in this case, half-pint and
fully-ugly bad guy.
{BIG pop from the crowd.}
[Mr. NLS]
'Bout time you showed your face, Masters ...
[TAOKM]
ANYTIME's a good time to show /MY/ face ... but enough about the
Wonders of the Modern World ... {having made it all the way to
the ringside area} It sounds to me like you want to take our
little battle of wits to a physical level. Now ... I can't do
anything without consulting my advisors ... so ... {turns to the
northern crowd} So do /YOU ALL/ think I should give Tiny Tim a
spanking?
{The crowd cheers. Kerry runs to the eastern part of the crowd}
Do /YOU ALL/ WANT me to break every one of Keebler's cookies?
{That side cheers even louder. Kerry runs to southern crowd area}
Do /YOU ALL/ want me to whup Tattoo over here so bad he'll be
yelling "DE PAIN!!! DE PAIN!!!"?
{This is met with enthusiastic cheers, mixed with laughter.
Kerry runs to the western part of the crowd.}
Do /YOU ALL/ want me to beat this man so badly, he'll think he's
Snap, Krackle, AND Pop?!?!
{If Kerry was Steve Austin, he'd be getting a "Hell, Yeah". As
it is, he'll have to settle for a mad pop.}
Well ... ya know ... it sounds like my advisors want to see a
match, so let's GET IT ON!!!!
[Kyle]: If there were more than four sides to this
building, I'd be so physically ill I'd sue the league
to slap a warning label on his mouth: "The Surgeon
General has found that this Kerry Masters contains
toxic amounts of pandering twit, which has been known
to cause intense nausea in lab animals, and any other
creatures with even a modicum of brain cells."
{He enters the ring, and starts removing his shirt, which draws
a brief pop from the crowd, at least the female section.}
[Mr. NLS]
I hope yer ready for the biggest ass-kicking of your life, BOY!
But before the slaughter starts, I want a referee here ... I want
to make sure this here match is all nice and legal, so when
you're in my Groundominal Stretch, begging for mercy, or getting
pounded into the mat with one of my 101 Northern Lights Suplexes,
I can be sure that next week, there's no "He didn't beat me
fairly!" rants from "The Awful One".
[Stan]: You know, we've got this law down in Texas ...
when you call a grown black man "boy," the state's not
responsible for what happens next. I hope Mo-Rice's
medical plan is up to date.
{"Who Brings the Loot" by Grand Puba and the Brand New Heavies
starts up, as the AWI Commissioner Jamahn Chamberlin, accompanied
as always by his bodyguard Felony Slade, comes down to the ring,
followed closely by AWI referee Tom Newman. Chamberlin quickly
jumps into the ring and walks over to take Jackson's mic. A quick
glare from Jackson makes Chamberlin do a 180 over to Masters to
take *his* mic.}
[Chamberlin]
{to crowd} HELLO, CANADA!!!
{The crowd cheers politely, primarily because Jamahn can always
be counted on to to fold like a leaf to public pressure -- er, to
give the fans what they're paying to see.}
[Chamberlin]
It seems to me that we need three things to make this party
happen. First, y'all have to agree to it -- which you have.
Second, we need witnesses to that agreement {looks out at the
crowd, and nods approvingly} I think we got that covered, too.
And last, we need an AWI licensed official to make sure you two
don't wreck anything important -- and Tom here's free at this
time. So, {exaggeratedly pompous tone} via the power vested in
me by being Commissoner of this league ... {normal voice} y'all
can get to it!
{He steps exits the ring, along with Felony Slade, as Newman
squares the two off and signals for the bell.}
[Heather]: Well, fans, it looks like we're going to get
a match out of this after all -- never say the AWI is
one to leave you short!
[Kyle]: Hey, I caught that snicker -- that's a short
joke! You're trying to side with Kerry, aren't you!
[Heather]: I didn't-- I mean-- oh, FORGET it ...
{The two lock into a collar-elbow tieup, which Jackson quickly
shifts to an armdrag takedown, then twists Kerry into an armbar.
Kerry breaks out and kicks Jackson, then dropkicks him as the
two get back to their feet. He climbs the corner, and lets
Maurice stand before jumping off with a flying dropkick, then
makes a cover: 1 ... Maurice throws him off.}
[Heather]: And in the early going, Kerry's showing the
aggressive style that worked so well for him in the
past.
[Stan]: As I recall, *that* style involved kickin' the
World champion through a mirror ... I'm guessin' he's
changed it just a tad.
[Kyle]: Yeah, now he'd never do something like that,
and run the risk of running out of mirrors to look at
himself in ...
{Kerry stands up and wraps Jackson in an inside toehold; Maurice
breaks the hold, and attempts a legsweep, but Kerry hops over the
leg and flips into a somersault legdrop. He then locks Maurice
into an armbar. Jackson breaks out, and Kerry kicks him, then
puts on another toehold; Maurice escapes, and Kerry drops a
somersault legdrop on him, then lifts him with an armbar. He
plants Jackson with a single-arm DDT after a bit, and returns to
the toehold.}
[Stan]: Does anyone else feel like they've been put on
instant replay?
[Heather]: Kerry simply looks to be showing a very
systematic approach to this match -- if he keeps
Maurice off his feet as much as possible, he goes a
long way towards eliminating Jackson's devastating
suplexes ... and by taking weakening both arm and leg,
he may be hoping to ruin both Maurice's grip and
support.
[Kyle]: Either that, or he's just so SCARED he can't
THINK of anything else! He's mentally paralyzed with
fear!
[Heather]: That's an ... interesting theory, too ...
{Jackson breaks out, and Kerry heads for the corner; climbing
up top, he jumps off with a flying elbowdrop.}
[Heather]: Maurice is free again, and Kerry looks ready
to risk the aerial attack ... and there's the payoff!
{He pulls Maurice up, then DDTs him, and kicks him on the ground
before putting on an armbar; after a few moments, he stands
Jackson up, and delivers another single-arm DDT, before wrapping
him in another toehold.}
[Kyle]: The stress was too much for him, Heather -- he
broke free for a moment, but his LIFE flashed before
his eyes, and he fell right back into his frozen bunny
tactics!
[Stan]: Complain all you want, but from where I'm
sittin', that there bunny is still WINNING this match.
[Kyle]: Ha! How's he going to win if his fear-addled
mind has forgotten how to PIN someone?
[Heather]: I ... *suppose* that would be a valid
consideration ...
{Maurice twists out, and Kerry hits him with a somersault
legdrop; he grabs him by the arm and single-arm DDTs him again,
then applies an armbar/arm scissors combination.}
[Heather]: Kerry Masters revealing another dimension,
stepping up the upper body attack with this new
armlock.
[Stan]: And this fits into the scared theory how?
[Kyle]: I'm working on it, OK? Genius takes time ...
[Stan]: Yeah, but this is you we're talkin' about, so
answer up.
{Maurice breaks the lock, and Kerry twists him back into a
toehold; Maurice escapes, and legsweeps him to the mat, before
applying a leg grapevine lock.}
[Kyle]: Ha -- looks like Masters is in for a little
payback! It's going to be hard for Kerry to make all
those short jokes when he's SHORT one leg!
[Stan]: Careful there, boy, Maurice might think YOU'RE
making jokes ...
{Kerry breaks the lock; Maurice hits him with a side kick, then
pulls him up and DDTs him. He returns to the leg grapevine lock.}
[Heather]: It certainly seems like Maurice Jackson is
focussing on taking Kerry down a peg, perhaps hoping to
cut short his aerial tactics by reducing his mobility.
[Kyle]: Or, in layman's terms, your Lear can't take off
if you don't have tires to taxi with!
[Stan]: Uh, Kyle, your average layman's never seen a
Lear.
[Kyle]: Then they're not worth explaining it to.
{Kerry escapes, and staggers to his feet; Maurice catches him
with a belly-to-belly suplex, and hooks a leg, but Kerry kicks
out before the count.}
[Heather]: RIVETING suplex from Maurice Jackson, and he
makes the cover-- no, Pin Nazi!
{Maurice DDTs him as they stand, then puts him back in the leg
grapevine.}
[Kyle]: Look at that focus ... after this match,
Kerry's going to be the Epitome of One Gimp Knee ...
and, of course, this is undoubtedly just leading to the
unveiling of the *Grapevined* Northern Lights Suplex!
[Stan]: You do understand that these here moves aren't
named randomly, right, Kyle? Because thinkin' that one
through's enough to make my head hurt worse than if I'd
BEEN suplexed ...
[Kyle]: Go ahead, mock me, mock Maurice, until he DOES
it!
{Kerry breaks out of the hold, and hits Maurice with a punch to
the groin; he makes his way back to his feet, and takes down
Jackson with a hurricarana.}
[Heather]: Kerry out of the hold -- AND HE'S NOT
GROUNDED YET! Kerry just SNAPPING Jackson to the ground
with that 'rana!
{He stands back up, limping slightly, and nails Jackson with a
somersault legdrop.}
[Heather]: Masters delivering another acrobatic attack
...
[Kyle]: Oh, come on, Heather, look at him hobbling
around -- he's lamer than Old Man Straite! He's slower
than the Bore Machine! Any moment now, he's gonna limp
in the wrong direction, and Jackson's going to N-L-S
his mouth all the way back to the dressing room!
{Kerry heads to the corner, climbing to the top turnbuckle as
Maurice gets back to his feet. Kerry jumps off with a flying
sunset flip.}
[Heather]: Kerry off from the top ... WITH THE AWESOME
ENDING!!! 1 ...
[Kyle]: You mean the "Awesome Not Quite Enough Juice To
Be An Ending" ...
[Heather]: ... 2 ... THREE!!! THERE'S NO 'JUICE'
MISSING TONIGHT, KYLE!!!
[Kyle]: I -- I -- I --
[Stan]: Careful, Kyle -- some birds up here might
mistake that for a mating call.
[Rod Allen]
{stepping into the ring with a mic} Ladies and gentlemen ... the
winner of this match ... "THE AAAWWWEEESOME ONE" ... KERRY ...
MAAAAAAAAASTEEERS!!!
{The crowd cheers enthusiastically as Kerry rolls out of the ring
to take a victory lap around the ringside area, before heading
back down the aisle.}
>>PRESSBOX<<
[Kyle]
Just LOOK at this travesty ... impulsive challenges with no time
for preparation ... quick referee counts left undisputed ... a
lack of focus throughout the match ... THIS is what happens when
you don't have a manager to look out for you!
[Heather]
I don't believe you. Kerry Masters wins an incredibly tough
match, and you're trying to turn it into a recruiting drive! Just
who do you think you are?
[Kyle]
The manager with the Midas touch, of course.
[Stan]
I can't help but notice nobody's beating down your door. I guess
being shown up by a lady from a state without a Hollywood in it
will do that.
[Kyle]
I was NOT 'shown up'! That--
[Heather]
AND it's time for out next match ... let's check out the ring
again, shall we?
>>AISLE<<
{"Ordinary Average Guys" by Joe Walsh cues up on the speakers, as
Steve the Insane and Joe Walker make their way down the aisle.
Steve is pretty damn happy, smiling, slapping hands, etc.; Joe is
likewise mugging for the fans, though a little more restrained
than Steve, lagging a bit behind and circling in place as he
walks. They get to the ring, and hop inside, grabbing the ring
mic.}
[Joe Walker]
Hey, everybody! Being that this is such a momentous occasion and
all, Steve and I realized we have to put a little showmanship
into this introduction ... Rod, I got nothing against your Buffer
routine, works great in the States, but this is Montreal! This is
Canada! Here, you need a little more STYLE! So, without further
ado ...
{Joe and Steve pull out a pair of touks (knit stocking caps) and
put them on, then begin the Bob & Doug MacKenzie whistle from
SCTV's "Great White North" ("whoo-whoo-hoo-hoo whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo")}
[Joe]
{in a MacKenziesque voice} Great city, eh? I'm thinking, Montreal
isn't too different from Denver ... you got mountains, you got
snow, you got beer, you got baseball ... and now, you've got the
AWI!
{Crowd cheers mildly.}
So, like, I'm Joe and this is Steve, and we're Looking For A
Fight, eh? {dropping back to his normal voice} And boy does it
look like we found one. Steve, you want to tell these fans
something about our lucky contestants tonight?
[Steve]
I've been a bit confused lately ... but I'm feeling much better
now. A few weeks ago, though, I had a match with Nick Vorpal.
Now, he powerbombed me on a chair ... kinda like those two ...
{Steve leaves the ring and gets two chairs, handing one to Joe
as he re-enters.}
[Steve]
Y'know ... THAT WASN'T VERY NICE NICK! Now, I could just let
bygones be bygones ... but where's the fun in that?
[Joe]
You two think you're on some kind of mission from God? Hey,
everybody's screwed up SOME way, so that's cool. But let me
tell you something ... {lifts his left fist, wrapped in black
electrician's tape} this IS the Hand of God, boys -- at least,
that's what you're going to think when it smacks upside your
head or thumps you in the heart, and God's saying RUN AWAY AND
HIDE!!! See, a pair of churchgoing saints like yourselves, you
just don't know WHAT a couple of ordinary, average guys like
Steve and me are capable of -- you just know, IT AIN'T GONNA BE
SUNDAY SCHOOL!
[Steve]
Vorpal, James, Philosopher ... you can all come and play. Like
the name says, we're Looking For a Fight. The bigger the better
{grins}.
>>AISLE<<
{Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus" ("For unto us a child is born")
strikes up on the PA as the lights dim; laser lights form a
Celtic cross pattern over the aisle entrance, with a spotlight
in the center that illuminates Reverend James like a halo. He
walks down to the ring with his head bowed and arms outstretched
overhead, Nick Vorpal and Mikhail Tzskova close in tow. As he
reaches the ring, he steps inside and begins to speak, a lapel
mike picking up his soft-spoken, deep-voiced words.}
[Reverend James]
Let us pray for these lost souls, my congregation ... for
tonight, the servants of the LORD, the Reverend Jeremiah James
and his noble disciple Nicholas Vorpal, step forth from the
House of Truth to do battle with men of great sin and corruption
... you see before you one Stephen Hurley, a self admitted madman
with murder in his heart, who would do grievous bodily injury to
his fellow man for no better reason than the base and carnal
desire of a woman ... and his newfound ally, this Joe Walker, who
bears the wisdom to know that he has done wrong, but also the
folly to believe that he can win redemption from mortal powers,
that by satisfying the whims of the mob he can somehow cleanse
his tarnished soul. In your own way, Joe Walker, you have chosen
the right path, for only the will of the LORD brings true
redemption, and tonight you and the Insane One will be purged
with a taste of hell. Be strong, and learn from your pain. So
says the Book of Truth ... Amen.
{Joe tries to fistbounce with the Right-On Reverend to start the
match, but the Rev turns it into a last-rites type blessing ...
this seems to tick Joe off, and he tags in Steve right away to
make himself feel better.}
[Kyle]: Aw, gee, Joe looks so *sad* that James won't
play nice -- he ought to be happy JJ didn't bounce his
fists off Joe's HEAD!
[Heather]: Of course, the same thing could be said of
the Reverend, Kyle ...
{Steve and Jeremiah spend the next several seconds circling each
other and launching punches and kicks at each other with little
effect.}
[Stan]: Well, except for the fact that James hasn't
shown a whole lot of concern about EVER getting hit.
{Steve gets the advantage, first with a solid punch, then with a
kick, a whip to the ropes, and a back-elbow.}
[Heather]: If that's true, then, Stan, he has very
little to worry about this offensive from Steve ...
{James hits Steve with a double axhandle; Steve punches and kicks
his way to regain the advantage, leading to another whip to the
ropes and an elbow.}
[Heather]: A drop in the ocean from James does little
to thwart this brawling assault from the Insane One.
[Kyle]: Hey, he's probably LETTING Steve get these
shots in ... turning the other cheek and all that ...
{Steve breaks the monotony by slamming Jeremiah's head into the
turnbuckle. Not a happy parson, the Reverend retaliates with a
european uppercut, and then dumping Steve over the top.}
[Heather]: Steve smashing James-- no, James gets in a
quick shot -- and Steve goes flying over the top rope!
[Kyle]: One more in the history of great Falls:
Lucifer, Adam, Babel, now Steve!
[Stan]: I think Steve fell a lot earlier than this --
possibly several times from the cradle, which would
explain quite a bit when you stop to think.
{He joins Steve on the outside, and hurls him into the ringside
steps, then gives him a fallaway slam onto Rod Allen's chair --
with Rod Allen having barely enough time to vacate it first.}
[Heather]: Reverend James delivering a BRUTAL attack
outside the ring ... oh, my GOD, right on a chair--
[Kyle]: No, not your God, Heather, HIS God ...
[Stan]: Rod just got far more involved in this match
than I reckoned he would've wanted.
{By this time, the cavalry for both sides has arrived -- Nick
drives a knee off the apron into Steve's back, while Joe tosses
a chair in the air and thrust-kicks it into the Rev.}
[Heather]: Nick Vorpal taking the attack to Steve even
as Joe fends off the Reverend James ...
[Stan]: Gotta give him points for creative use there.
{Vorpal wraps his chain around his hand, and proceeds to
severely pummel Steve's lower back/kidney area, until Joe
distracts him with an axe kick.}
[Heather]: Nick just going to WORK on Steve the Insane,
obviously trying to finish the job he started in their
singles match -- but Joe's there to make the save!
{Mikhail calls Brandie Mulroney over to discuss something.}
[Heather]: The referee should be doing something to
break this up -- but Brandie Mulroney is occupied by
some business Tzskova's drummed up ...
[Kyle]: Hey, potential converts are EVERYWHERE, Heather
-- you can't blame a guy for trying to dispense a
little wisdom.
[Stan]: Eh, he's probably just hitting her up for
cabfare.
{Joe rolls Steve into the ring, but Nick and James catch Joe
himself, and whip him into the railing. Vorpal then hangs him up
in a powerchoke, while James hits the ring, and nails Steve with
a double axhandle.}
[Heather]: Things look bad -- it seems these
questionable tactics have paid off for Reverend James
and Nick Vorpal.
[Stan]: I don't see where it's all that big a question:
they're looking to give a whupping. Pretty easy to
understand.
{Joe escapes with a below-the-belt kick to Nick, while James
gives StI a short-arm elbow smash. James whips Steve to the
ropes, and nails him with a boot kick. StI regains control
momentarily with a punch, but James retaliates with a vicious
chokehold; when Brandie takes issue with it, he "breaks" it by
converting to a chokeslam.}
[Heather]: The Insane One is taking immense punishment
...
[Kyle]: You bet he is, baby! He's got it coming! Is
there any man who deserves it more?
[Heather]: Robbie Stevens? Tank Bradley? Mikhail
Tzskova?
[Stan]: J. Robertson, Sr.?
{They drag StI to their corner while Tszkova discusses
"philosophy" with Brandie again, and drive Steve's head into the
boot Nick raised onto the buckle. Nick then lays into Steve with
his chained hands.}
[Kyle]: SMALL POTATOES! THIS guy is the Hitler of the
AWI! He was going to execute a whole stadium of fans
just to get at the Tiger!
[Heather]: That is a BLATANT exaggeration!
[Stan]: Yeah -- that can would've barely lit up the
first row, maybe the second with a good tailwind.
[Heather]: STAN, you are NOT helping!
[Stan]: Hey, I'm here to watch four guys beat the tar
out of each other. You want help, call Covenant House.
{Joe realizes the ring is no good as a shortcut, and sprints
around. Vorpal tries to choke Steve with the chain, but Steve
gives him a back-elbow -- only to get axhandled by the Rev.}
[Heather]: Steve the Insane trapped in a vicious double
team situation -- it's obvious that James and his
"disciples" are focussing their efforts on Steve,
undoubtedly with the goal of gaining the Tiger's wages
of sin!
[Kyle]: {gasp} Heather! You're accusing a man of the
Reverend's stature of being a greedy headhunter?
[Heather]: "Stature"? We've yet to see anything from
Reverend James which would make him worthy of
admiration ...
[Kyle]: Not SOCIAL standing, Heather, STATURE -- the
guy's big enough to use you for a candle taper! Let's
not work him up, okay?
{Joe yanks Nick off the apron into a short-arm uppercut, while
James takes over choking-Steve-with-chain duties. He then nails
Steve with a belly-to-belly, as Joe gives Nick a thrust kick for
good measure. When the Reverend goes to tag, it's Joe who takes
the tag, and turns into a short-arm punch, which staggers James,
who gets caught from behind by Steve for an electric-chair
powerbomb as Joe gets back to his real corner.}
[Heather]: And Steve finally takes down James, with a
HUGE Yappian Facedriver!!!
[Kyle]: Yappia-- where the heck are you getting these
names from?
[Heather]: Steve the Insane has always been very
friendly to the press.
[Kyle]: Uh-huh. VERY friendly. And I thought TRINITY
needed some integrity ...
[Stan]: I don't know what's scarier -- the idea of you
insultin' somebody else's integrity, or the idea of
Steve the Insane puttin' out a press release.
{StI hits a bulldog, makes the tag to Joe, and they hit a tandem
kick, followed by a double-whip to the corner.}
[Heather]: And LOOK AT THEM GO! Looking For a Fight
displaying impressive teamwork for their debut in tag
competition ...
[Stan]: I reckon it stands to reason, Heather -- these
two spent so much time beatin' on each OTHER a ways
back that they gotta know each other like the back of
that taped fist.
{Joe charges into the corner, but catches more Vorpal boot. Joe
punches James away as he attempts a double-team, but gets stomped
by Vorpal, who follows up with a headbutt combo.}
[Kyle]: YEAH, see how well Joe does without Steve to
take his beatings for him? Just goes to show, it takes
BOTH of those two punch-drunk lugs to equal--
[Stan]: BOTH of the OTHER two punch-drunk lugs.
{Nick whips Joe to the ropes, and delivers a massive sidewalk
slam. He sets up a front-face piledriver.}
[Heather]: BIG power maneuver from the Madman with a
Mission! And now he's setting up to put Joe away ...
{Joe pivots away and delivers a crescent kick, a back spin fist,
whip to the ropes, and a side kick.}
[Heather]: But NO! Joe Walker fighting back with a
series of martial arts attacks!
[Kyle]: That sneaky cheat! Just when you've got the
streetfighting angle covered, out comes the kickboxing!
{Joe scoops Vorpal up for a bodyslam; unfortunately, Vorpal's
punches stop him cold there, and then Nick lifts him up in a
powerchoke.}
[Heather]: Vorpal regains the advantage -- and now he's
trying to choke the life out of Joe! Joe manages to
work his way free -- oh, no! Nick's grabbing him for
the Vorpal Blade -- not happening!!!
[Kyle]: We can all dream, can't we?
{Joe ducks out when Nick grabs him to attempt a diamond cutter;
Nick dropkicks him to console himself, then drags him to James's
corner, tagging in the Reverend before beginning a flurry of
punches.}
[Heather]: Joe in double-team straits himself now ...
he's fighting them off the best he can ...
[Stan]: And normally, I'd say his best is more than
good enough ... but he's standin' between two
maladjusted men and a six-foot-five, 25 grand church
donation ... I don't think Vegas will be givin' good
odds on this.
[Kyle]: Hey, I can think of LOTS worse places to be
standing ... like anywhere between Kerry Masters and a
microphone!
{Joe delivers a snap kick each to James and Vorpal; he grabs
James to whip him into the turnbuckle, but James spins him
around to collide with the other buckle, following through with
a clothesline. He then begins to choke Joe against the corner;
Joe breaks free with a palm thrust flurry to the chest.}
[Heather]: And Joe with a herculean effort to fight off
the punishment the House of Truth is dishing out here
...
[Kyle]: He's going about it all wrong, then -- all he
has to do is tag out and remember he's not the one
worth $25,000 crippled.
{He grabs James and whips him to the ropes, catching him with a
powerslam; he holds it for a pincount: 1 ... James powers it
over to pin Joe: 1 ... 2 ... Joe gets a shoulder up.}
[Stan]: That's gotta be a sign Joe's in trouble ...
when the guy you're fightin' can turn bein' pinned into
a danger to you.
{Both men stand up, and Joe punches the Reverend, then goes to
tag in Steve; James shoves him over the top from behind,
knocking both Joe and Steve to the floor.}
[Heather]: Steve and Joe BOTH out on the mat now!
Things could get VERY ugly soon ...
[Stan]: And they've been what so far?
{He steps out on the apron and nails Steve with a hipbuster
elbow. Standing up, he drags Steve into standing head scissors,
and makes a brief praying motion.}
[Heather]: Oh, my God -- he's going for the Cross of
Burdens!
[Kyle]: Can you say "Ka-Ching?"
{Steve grabs him by the waist, spinning around to stungun James
on the railing rim.}
[Heather]: NO! The FRONTAL LOBOTOMY!!!
[Kyle]: HOLY MOTHER OF-- THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A
METAPHOR, STEVE!!!
{Tzskova and Vorpal close in to help out James, but Joe's on his
feet just in time, and cuts Mikhail short with a thrust kick,
while Steve backdrops a charging Nick Vorpal. Joe rolls into the
ring just before the count, as Nick Vorpal hits Steve with a
groin punch from the floor. Tzskova helps James back to his feet,
who closes with the reeling Steve and delivers a short-arm elbow;
Nick Vorpal then grabs Steve and diamond cutters him, as the
referee signals for the bell.
[Heather]: And that's going to be all for this match --
it looks like Looking For A Fight is going to walk out
with a countout victory ...
[Kyle]: Wrong as usual, volleygirl ... from where I'm
sitting, it doesn't look like Steve's walking out of
here at all!
[Heather]: Joe seems to be thinking along the same
lines --
[Stan]: Which isn't something I thought I'd hear this
century ...
[Heather]: -- as he slides through the ropes to kick
Vorpal away ... but the Right-On Reverend has Steve
up, and delivers the Cross of Burdens! We've got a
four-way brawl, and our winners are decidedly on the
wrong end of it -- but here come Justice and Jerry
Straite, with the AWI security personnel racing to keep
up!
[Kyle]: What are THEY doing out here?
[Heather]: We've already seen Jerry Straite's
friendship with Steve, and Justice is known for--
[Kyle]: Not /those/ primates! The security guys!
Doesn't the league realize it'd be cheaper to lose one
Steve than pay all those clock-watchers to keep him
safe?
[Heather]: Stan ... please ...
[Stan]: Well, since you asked nicely: pretty boy, there
are 20,000 people in this building who wouldn't be if
the crazy yellow-haired guy with the goofy grin was in
a hospital right now. Try to keep that in mind. In the
meantime, the next match is also filled with people I
like. Namely, one tough hombre in the person of Tank
Bradley, and two no-nonsense guys in the persons of the
Chaos Brothers. I've been yabbering for too long now,
and since the alternative is letting Kyle talk again,
what say I shut up and let all three of them sound off?
=================================================================
{The camera fades in to a backstage area where the Chaos Brothers
pass the time until their match. Blunt paces nervously around the
spartan room, muttering something under his breath the whole
time. Zap is calm amidst the storm, sprawled in the middle of the
carpet stretching his legs out in a hurdle stretch.}
[Zap]
You're not taking this well.
[Blunt]
I'm not, huh? Have you ever had an enraged lunatic jump on YOUR
head? How would you take it?
[Zap]
Having a lunatic jumping on your head is a pretty accurate
description of a good Berlin mosh pit.
[Blunt]
Beautiful. We get the crap pounded out of us and my partner
gets nostalgic. Hey Hazard, land on Zap next time, he's
getting homesick!
[Zap]
Come on Blunt, you've been beat on worse than that.
[Blunt]
How would you know?
[Zap]
Your sister tells stories. Look, forget the lunatics, focus on
the creeps. We've got a match with Agony & Ecstasy in about five
minutes. We can sweat Hazard and his friend when we've got the
belts.
[Blunt]
If, that's IF we get the belts. I don't trust this whole setup. I
can't believe the security guards won't let me bring some
protection.
[Zap]
No one in this arena wants you to bring in your shotgun. Now for
chrissake just chill, alright? You know you can't think when
you're this worked up. Now take a deep breath and give me the
lowdown on A&E out there.
{Blunt stops pacing and leans against a wall. He takes a deep
breath and closes his eyes. A second later he opens them again,
noticeably more composed.}
[Zap]
Better?
[Blunt]
Better. Thanks. Well for starters, Agony and Ecstasy aren't like
any team we've faced so far. They start the match by throwing the
entire rulebook out the window. The trick is going to be keeping
them off balance. We can do that, we've got the strategies for it
worked out, but we also have to deal with Robbie. So far we're
about the only team that hasn't been the subject of a Stevens
rant yet. Not that I'm complaining, mind. But we can assume that
he's underestimating us. Thinks we're ... what was it Esprit
called us ... the Flavor-of-the-month. We can work with that.
[Zap]
{standing up} Now your thinking again. Come on, let's get moving
before it wears off.
[Blunt]
Allll right, let's go deliver some Blunt Trauma!
[Zap]
I think I liked you better when you were nervous.
{The Chaos brothers exit the scene and the camera fades out.}
=================================================================
{Cut to the locker room where Team Stevens is standing by. Corey
is in the background putting an ice pack on Robbie's head. Tank
Bradley and Joey Hasegawa are standing by preparing for their
match.}
[Tank]
Chaos Brothers! You're in a bad position. We're not only hungry
for those titles, but Carr jumped our manager! But we don't care
about that ...
[Robbie]
Heyyyyy ... ow!
[Tank]
With him at 100% or 50%, it doesn't matter! Because you're
stepping in the with Walking Weapon of Mass Destruction and
Smiling Joey Hasegawa, not him! I'm going throw you all around
the arena and there's nothing you can do about it! This is my
first shot at a belt and you can bet I'm not walking home empty
handed!
[Joey]
The Sensei is an important part of Agony and Ecstasy ... but not
the most important. Chaos Brothers, you're very good at what you
do. You're not, however, Agony and Ecstasy. The Tank is hungry
for some gold ... and so am I. Blunt, Zap -- you can take some
comfort in the fact that you were the second best team in the
tournament. There is no way you'll be winning those belts though.
They look far too good to be going around your waists ... they
belong right here, around the waists of the best looking tag team
in wrestling ... other than the Sharp Dressed Men, of course,
Sensei {bows to Robbie}.
[Tank]
You punks are in for a world of pain! And Paul Stone, you better
pray I don't see you any time soon!
=================================================================
{Cut to the ring, where Rod Allen is standing with a mic.}
[Rod Allen]
Ladies and gentlemen, our next bout is the final round of the
North American Tag Team championship tournament! This match is
set for one fall, with NO time limit -- there MUST BE A WINNER!
The first team now entering the ring, weighing in at a combined
total of four hundred and thirty pounds ... "Zap" London and
"Blunt" Dakota ... the CHAAAOOOSSS BROTHERS!!!
{The crowds give a welcoming cheer to the fast-rising duo as they
jog down to the ring.}
[Allen]
And their opponents tonight, weighing in at a combined total of
five-hundred and eighty-nine pounds ... accompanied to the ring
tonight by their manager, AWI Television champion Robbie Stevens
... Scott "Tank" Bradley and Toshiaki Hasegawa ... AGONY ... AND
... ECSTASY!!!
{The Terrible Trio makes their way down to the ring to a rousing
chorus of boos, Robbie still holding an icepack to his head.}
[Allen]
Your referee for this match is Curtis Keyes.
{Zap starts in the ring against Toshiaki. Joey offers a collar
elbow tieup; Zap passes, and Hasegawa breaks into a "catwalk"
strut. Zap nails him with a spinning wheel kick.}
[Heather]: Hel-LO! Zap not in ANY mood to put up with
hijinx from Team Stevens tonight!
{He follows with a leg drop, then pulls him back to his feet,
sending him to the ropes to deliver a back elbow smash on the
return. He follows this up with a snap kick as Toshiaki stands,
and a legsweep to send him back to the mat, where Zap stomps on
him a couple of times; Toshiaki rolls out of the ring for a
breather.}
[Heather]: Hasegawa decides it's better to be
FASHIONABLY late for this match ...
[Kyle]: Heather, I personally made sure Paul Stone
stayed home for this trip so I wouldn't have to put up
with bad puns like that ...
{Joey heads back in and calls in Zap for a collar-elbow tieup;
as London follows the referee's directive, Hasegawa hits him
with a groin kick flurry, then whips him to the ropes, to perform
a handspring hip check on the rebound.}
[Heather]: Joey with a Booty Call to knock down Zap ...
{Joey tags in Bradley, and whips Zap into the ropes again,
catching him with an inverted atomic drop before leaving the
ring. Bradley picks up Zap only to get hit with a forearm; Tank
retaliates with a bodyslam.}
[Kyle]: My expert managerial strategy for the Chaos
Brothers -- GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BEG! You don't stand
a CHANCE against this man!
{Tank picks him up for a Canadian backbreaker, but Zap slides
down behind his shoulder; Tank swings around to hit him with a
clothesline, but Zap ducks. Zap legsweeps Bradley and tags in
Blunt, who steps inside to fell Tank with a drop toehold as he's
getting back to his feet.}
[Heather]: Not only do they stand a chance, Kyle, but
they seem to have Tank's number -- he's absolutely
flummoxed by that display of defensive wrestling!
[Kyle]: If it's "defensive", it's not "wrestling".
{Tank breaks the hold and gets back to his feet, but Blunt pulls
him down with a single-leg takedown; he goes for a half-crab, but
gets kicked into the ropes. Tank stands up and nails him from
behind with a forearm to the neck, then locks on a trapezius
pinch. Blunt breaks free, and single-leg takedowns Bradley; he
attempts a toehold, but Tank throws him through the ropes.}
[Kyle]: YES! Tank Bradley shows Blunt some prime real
estate in Robbie's home court!
{Tank argues with Keyes about that action, while Robbie hits
Blunt with a savate kick outside. Zap charges outside and hits
Robbie with a spinning wheel kick, while Joey hops off the apron
to return Blunt to the ring.}
[Heather]: Zap coming to the rescue -- and a wheel kick
takes down Robbie!
[Stan]: I think he's suffering a coinroll flashback.
{Blunt snapmares Tank when he closes from behind, then puts on
a wakigatme armbar.}
[Stan]: Now, I wonder why that particular armbar keeps
popping up here ... it couldn't have anything to do
with the phrase "World Tag Team Champions, Intensive
Care," y'reckon?
{Tank shakes him off, and Blunt switches to leg scissors; Joey
attempts to hit him with a springboard maneuver, but Blunt rolls
aside.}
[Heather]: And a crucial miscalculation by Smilin'
Joey ...
[Kyle]: Hey, at least he looked good doing it.
[Stan]: Can't say I agree with you.
[Kyle]: And why not?
[Stan]: The mat doesn't match his tights.
{Curtis Keyes directs Hasegawa out of the ring, as Tank
breaks the hold. Blunt puts on a half nelson, but Tank shrugs
him off and slams him to the mat, then tags in Toshiaki. Hasegawa
hops onto the top rope and springs off to hit Blunt with a
bodypress.}
[Kyle]: That evens the score for the earlier miss,
and then some ... Agony & Ecstasy have really got it
together! If they're this good with Robbie, just
THINK how good they'll be under the wing of the Wizard
of West Beverly!
[Stan]: I'm guessing I won't have much use for that
knowledge, seein' as Robbie clings to his wrestlers
like morons to a beeper.
[Kyle]: Now just what is wrong with {BREE-EE-EE-EE}--
Hold on one sec ...
[Stan]: I rest my case.
{He drags Blunt to his feet and throws him into the ropes,
hitting him with a dropkick on the rebound. Toshiaki hops on the
ropes and moonsaults off; Blunt rolls aside, but Hasegawa lands
on his feet.}
[Heather]: I hate to admit it, but nice recovery on
the part of Hasegawa.
[Kyle]: The man's a former TV champion, Heather! You
don't think someone just GAVE him the title, do you?
[Heather]: As a matter of--
[Kyle]: Of COURSE not! You get to be champion by being
the best there is!
[Heather]: But Toshiaki--
[Kyle]: So WHY are you trying to demean the skills
of a PROVEN champion?
[Heather]: I give up.
{Blunt stands up, and Toshiaki legdrags him back down. Toshiaki
attempts a toehold, but Blunt catches him in headscissors and
pulls him to the mat. Standing up, he puts on a leg grapevine
hold; when Toshiaki pushes out, Blunt stands up and elbow drops
the leg, then applies a legbar hold. Hasegawa kicks out of that
hold, but Blunt quickly puts on an STF.}
[Kyle]: This is intolerable -- how dare Blunt mock the
Fashion Plate of the AWI by using his own Fashion
Victim against him? That's like giving Gloria
Vanderbilt a dress from Sears for Christmas!
[Stan]: And like most men in regards to that dress,
Joey probably can't tell the difference between holds
just now ...
[Heather]: Wouldn't Blunt's be the one that hurts?
[Stan]: Touche.
{Hasegawa breaks out; Zap climbs to the top as Blunt and Joey get
to their feet. Joey whips Blunt to the ropes; Robbie gets on the
apron and knocks Zap into the ring as Joey hits the handspring
hipcheck on Blunt. The referee directs Zap from the ring}
[Heather] That's ridiculous! Zap didn't do anything!
[Kyle] Which is why he's such a lousy tag partner.
{Tank enters the ring and helps Hasegawa, lifting Blunt into a
double atomic drop. Tank steps outside momentarily so the two
can tag for the benefit of the returning referee; he then
reenters, only to fall for a single-leg takedown from Blunt.
Blunt goes for the half-crab, but gets shoved away; Tank gets up
and headbutts him, then lifts him into a Canadian backbreaker.}
[Heather]: This could be it -- Blunt seems unable to
find a way down ...
[Kyle]: Tank'll give him away down -- when he goes to
polish his shiny new belt with Blunt's face!
{Dakota "tags" Zap with a foot, just before he gets powerbombed.
Zap hops into the ring, and fells Tank Bradley with an enziguiri
kick.}
[Heather]: An ... unconventional tag by Blunt Dakota,
but Curtis Keyes is choosing to accept it ... and it
does the trick, as Zap cuts down Tank like a logging
crew!
[Kyle]: Sneak! Cheat!
[Stan]: Proving another important principle of
tagteam wrestling: everything's as legal as the ref
lets it be.
{He picks up Tank and whips him to the ropes, hitting him on the
return with a running roundhouse. Zap climbs the corner and jumps
off for a roundhouse kick, but misses; he lands on his feet, and
recovers by landing an enziguiri kick. He jumps into a legdrop
and misses, allowing Tank to tag in Toshiaki. Hasegawa wraps Zap
into a toehold; after a few moments, he drops down to make it an
STF.}
[Heather]: Uh-oh -- Zap is stuck in the Fashion Victim!
{Blunt jumps into the ring and stomps on Joey; Blunt and Zap
give a double forearm shot to Hasegawa, then pull him into their
corner. Blunt taunts Joey from outside, while Zap legsweeps him.
They tag and switch; Blunt attempts a stepover toehold ...}
[Heather]: Wait -- Hasegawa with an inside cradle! 1
... but that's all the count he'll get.
{Both men return to their feet, and Blunt whips Joey into the
corner, then pulls him out with a drop toehold. Both men get
back to their feet, and Joey pushes Blunt into the ropes for a
reverse rollup ...}
[Heather]: I don't believe this -- Robbie's holding
onto Joey! Blunt has no chance to kick out! This is
the lowest--
[Kyle]: It's Agony & Ecstasy winning the belts, is what
it is!
[Heather]: Not so fast! Keyes sees the hold, and he
kicks Robbie's hand away, breaking the pin!
{Blunt gets back to his feet, and slams Toshiaki with a belly to
belly suplex; he drops down to apply a kneebar, as Zap climbs to
the top rope. Joey breaks the hold only to fall victim to a
flying leg drop from Zap.}
[Heather]: And the Chaos Brothers show they too have
impressive teamwork ...
[Kyle]: Teamwork my handicap! That was pure dirty
pool!
[Heather]: So what, it's only fair when somebody you
like is doing it?
[Kyle]: You have a better definition?
{Joey grabs Blunt by the hair to keep him from capitalizing, and
then locks on a stepover toehold; he leans down to complete the
STF, but Blunt breaks out. As Blunt stands up, Joey shoves him
into the referee.}
[Stan]: Like this doesn't have "guest appearance"
written all over it.
[Heather]: I couldn't say it better -- Robbie's in the
ring, and he blasts Blunt with a handful of chain!
C'mon, Curtis, get up and see this!
[Stan]: I think he's still too busy saying important
things like "oof" and "oh, my face" ...
[Heather]: Zap's in the ring now -- and he gets the
spinning wheel kick off again on Robbie!
{Tank drags Blunt to the corner, as Zap issues a flurry of kicks
to Joey's leg; he then sees Tank and runs over, hitting him with
a series of forearms. Tank grabs him and chucks him over the top,
as the referee begins arguing with Robbie in the ring. Tank sits
Blunt on the top, makes a breaking motion with his hands, and
climbs up to the second rope, scooping up Blunt to jump off with
a tombstone piledriver.}
[Heather] The Nail in the Coffin! This could be it!
Joey manages to pull himself on top of Dakota, as
Keyes finally gets Robbie out of the ring -- why he
hasn't disqualified them I don't know ...
[Kyle]: Hey, he didn't SEE Robbie enter the ring, now,
did he? As far as he knows, Zap yanked him in! Serves
him right for being inattentive!
[Heather]: Here's the count ... 1 ... 2 ... and -- and
Blunt gets a shoulder up! What determination!
[Stan]: We'd call it "bull-headedness" down south.
[Kyle]: On the coast, it'd be "stupidity."
[Heather]: Joey seems off-kilter at the match not being
over, and eats forearm -- and Dakota with a surfboard!
{Joey breaks out, and struggles with Blunt as they get to their
feet; he gets the advantage with a series of groin kicks.}
[Kyle]: You know, sometimes even /I/ can admit that a
wrestler has gone too far. This is one of those times.
[Stan]: It's like watching your neighbor's house burn
-- it hurts to see it, but you're glad it's not you.
[Heather]: {dryly} Why, I haven't the slightest idea
what you mean, gents ...
{Joey whips him to the ropes, leaping over into a sunset flip on
the return: 1 ... Blunt claps his knees and rolls out, then
smacks him with a forearm shot. Blunt tries to whip him into the
corner, but Joey pulls him in and neckbreakers him.}
[Heather]: Both men stumbling to reach their corners
now, each needing a tag pretty badly ...
[Stan]: There's nothing quite so helpless-feeling
in the entire world than watching your partner getting
beat to your corner by a snail, and knowing there's
not a damn thing you can do until he gets there.
[Kyle]: What about being the guy on the inside?
[Stan]: I don't know -- never happened to me.
{Joey tags out to Bradley, and Blunt tags in Zap; Tank
clotheslines Zap as he's entering the ring. Zap legsweeps him
from the mat, then lays in with a forearm flurry as the two
are getting up.}
[Heather]: Wait a minute ... you're saying that in
a near-decade of wrestling, you never once needed
to crawl for a tag?
[Stan]: I don't know what's so surprising about it.
[Heather]: Not once. In close to TEN years.
[Kyle]: He probably thinks he magically small-packaged
his opponents during those missing chunks of memory.
[Stan]: How'd you like to be missing chunks of your
anatomy?
[Kyle]: Sorry, Heather babe, you're on your own on
this one!
[Heather]: Gee, thanks.
{Zap whips Bradley to the ropes, and attempts a thrust kick, but
Tank ducks; Bradley sweeps him up and powerbombs him, leaning in
for a cover, but gets no count. Both men return to their feet,
and Bradley scoops up Zap in a Canadian backbreaker.}
[Heather]: And Zap's in no man's land now -- Blunt
won't be able to help him out of this!
[Kyle]: Of course Blunt can't help! He's having
traumatic flashbacks from when HE was in the
leviathian's grasp!
{Zap works his way out; Tank picks him up and powerslams him:
1 ... 2 ... Zap barely gets a shoulder up.}
[Heather]: I thought that was the match! Where do the
Chaos Brothers get their stamina?
[Stan]: I hear they get it shipped in special order
from Dusseldorf.
[Heather]: WHAT?
[Stan]: Hey, we owed you for the fashionable crack
earlier.
{He nails Bradley with a forearm flurry from the floor, then
stands up. Bradley ducks a punch, but gets hit with a side kick
combo; Zap whips him into the ropes, where he's caught in a full
nelson over the ropes by Blunt, as Zap rushes in to hit him with
a spinning wheel kick. He makes the cover, but notices Robbie
getting on the apron, and stands up to take down Robbie with
another wheel kick.}
[Heather]: And Zap with a hat trick!
[Stan]: Yeah, unfortunately for him there are no points
in pro wrestling.
{Toshiaki hops into the ring and attempts a handspring maneuver,
but his leg gives out beneath him on the second spring}
[Heather]: Whoa -- I think Joey's more surprised there
than we are ...
[Stan]: That's not surprise, that's pain ... Agony
and Ecstasy could be in real trouble if Joey can't
count on his mobility ... you really have to admire
the Chaos Brothers' strategy of working the leg ...
[Kyle]: I would, but I'm too busy being nauseated by
Team Stevens not having won yet.
{Zap re-covers Bradley, but gets no count. He gives Tank another
forearm shot, and stands him up, then whips him to the ropes,
cutting him off on the return with a roundhouse kick combination.
He throws Tank to the opposite ropes, and downs him on the
rebound with an enziguiri kick. He tags in Blunt, who slaps on
a Boston crab.}
[Heather]: And the 'Brothers now DECIDEDLY in control!
[Stan]: I beg to differ, Heather.
[Heather]: This I have to hear.
[Stan]: This isn't about beating Tank, it's about
trying to make him tag ... they can see Joey's hurt
just as easily as we can, but if they can't GET to him,
it doesn't matter.
{Tank powers out, and Blunt forearms him, then pulls him to his
corner to make a tag; Tank dumps him over the top, and dodges a
kick from Zap. He shoves Zap into the opposite corner, where he
tags out to Joey just before Zap drops him with a legsweep.}
[Heather]: Well, now they have their matchup with
Joey ...
[Kyle]: For all the good it will do them! He's probably
just suckering them in!
{Zap nails Joey with a side kick to the leg, and climbs the
corner, jumping off with a roundhouse kick; he misses, but lands
on his feet, and snaps a pair of roundhouse kicks into Joey
before he can capitalize, felling him with a jumping roundhouse
kick.}
[Heather]: Zap taking a page from Joey's own book, and
now the so-called Fashion Plate seems to be in real
trouble! He goes for the cover ... 1 ... 2 ... and --
and how did his foot get on the ropes? Keyes calling
off the count, but I could swear it was a clean cover!
[Stan]: I'll give you three guesses, and they have to
rhyme with "Obbie."
{Toshiaki hits Zap with a knee to the groin before he can get up,
and goes for a bodyslam, but he can't lift him on the bad leg; he
tags in Bradley instead, and gets an elbow in the back for his
troubles. Bradley enters the ring and immediately powerbombs Zap,
tagging Joey back in before lifting Zap up for a brainbuster.}
[Heather]: And Joey back in, but he can barely stand at
the moment ...
[Kyle]: He doesn't HAVE to stand -- he just has to get
the Fashion Victim on! And there it is!
[Heather]: He's clear of the ropes, too ... Blunt
coming over the ropes now -- but Zap taps out! No,
please ... (sigh) ...
[RA]
Ladies and gentlemen ... your winners via submission at 22:12 ...
and NEW, NORTH AMERICAN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS ...
{The boos almost rock the arena ...}
AGONY ... and ECSTASY!!!
[Heather]: And Robbie grabs the belts like a kid in a
candy shop! It's bad enough to have him with the TV
title -- now we have to watch him parade around with
those?
[Stan]: He has to carry them, Heather -- if he gave
Joey a belt to wear, the poor kid'd collapse.
[Heather]: {sigh} Let's get some words from a new face
we'll be seeing in the AWI before we get to the
=================================================================
{Cut to a small Japanese girl in a mask and ornate costume. A
voice, presumably the same girl by accent and softness, talks
about history as some stunning work goes on.}
[Voiceover]: In Japan, I started only three year ago.
I was very lucky! Many girls go to try out, but very
few are taken. Since I was little girl, I wanted to
wrestle like "Cowboy" James Munroe. I trained hard,
every day, until I was old enough to try.
{Footage rolls along with her speaking, helping to illustrate the
places where she falters on a word or two. It starts with footage
from the very early 80's of James Munroe, a few years before he
retired. It slows, then stops where he gives his hat to a young
girl at ring side. Cutting back to the now-adult Colt, she shows
that she still has that hat resting on the head of her bed,
surrounded by stuffed animals.}
[Voice]: I was gymnast in school, where I learned how
to do the balance, and then to fighting in Tae Kwon Do.
It was very hard, and sometimes I get hurt, but I had
a dream and would not let go. Like my hero, I, too,
learned to play guitar and sing. I learned English
from Country music! This was good when the road trips
got long. I would sing to the other girls and write
music. Like Roy Rogers singing cowboy, I be the singing
Cowgirl wrestler, yes?"
{From there are home movies of her on a balance beam or in a
dojo, doing very basic katas with a large class. More footage,
far more recent and of higher quality, or Colt and several other
Japanese women on a train in the mountains of Japan, rocking back
and forth while clapping to some songs. They're not on the beat
very well, but all are smiling and laughing and enjoying
themselves greatly. Colt, as usual, is in a cowboy hat.}
[Colt]: I think it will be very fun to wrestle in
America! The people are so bright and loud, always
getting involved! They stomp and cheer so much! It
makes me happy to know they enjoy what I do. Even when
I do not win, I try give good show. Maybe next time
when in trouble, they cheer and let me know I have
fans, and I work harder for them! Maybe next time, I
win! Also, I hope to see many cowboys there. Get along
little doggie, yes? It will be great fun to learn, and
I am honored to have chance. It is dream come true for
me. 'Arigato.'"
{More scenes, now of in-ring work. The girl wears a horned mask
that leaves her hair free to fall in back, blue gloves that run
from shoulder to wrist and tie around thee back of her hand,
matching blue 'kickboots', and a blue one-piece, all of the
exotic poly-sthyriene-like material used overseas instead of
spandex. Slingshot 450 splash for a pin, moonsaults, back
handspring elbow, a full-splits duck under on a crossover
series, plancha springboard from the ring to the out side, and
more! A very high-energy, super-intensive collage, ending with
her having her hands raised in victory after what seems to have
been a very grueling bout with someone twice her size. The camera
then cuts back to the original scene of the girl in costume.}
[Girl]
Look out, all you desperados, Colt Kawaii's on her way!" *ka-POW!*
{She makes a little finger-pistol, shooting the camera with a
wink.}
=================================================================
{The view fades to black, then fades back into the ring area,
where Rod Allen is stepping into the ring.}
[Kyle]: Iigghh! Damn it, Heather, if you want to run
ANYTHING more like that, WARN us first! I think I just
got a cavity ...
[Rod Allen]
Ladies and gentlemen ... our next bout is set for one fall, with
a time limit of twenty minutes ... introducing first, weighing
in at a combined total of four hundred and five pounds ... Devil
Maruyama and Demoness Kimura ... DREAM SUCCUBUS!!!
{The crowd boos as the Japanese pair make their way to the ring,
faking threats and hissing back at the fans. Before the ring
announcer can introduce the champions, the lights suddenly go
dim. The video screen becomes active, showing a Dream Succubus
logo which is swept away by lightning bolts and flame, to be
replaced by Firestorm. Wherever they are, it's not very well
lit.}
[Brenda Storm-Video Wall]
You tried to gain the advantage. You took the shortcut
... take out one member, and the titles are yours. But
it's not that easy.
[Angela Dante-VW]
It's time, Dream Succubus. It's time ... for storm and
hellfire to rain down ... on you.
[Rod Allen]
Their opponents ... weighing in at a combined total of two hundred
and sixty-five pounds ... they ARE the Womens' Division Tag Team
champions ... Angela Dante and Brenda Storm ...
FIIIIIIIIIRESTOOOOOOOOORM!!!
{Mad pop from the crowd as Brenda Storm and Angela Dante jog
their way down to ringside. As they climb into the ring, Dante
waves to the crowd; a close-up from the camera shows Steve the
Insane and Joe Walker in front row seats, festooned with AWI
fan paraphenelia.}
[Kyle]: Oh, it *figures* ... only those two would be
loopy enough to get /tickets/ to a card that they're
going to be FIGHTING on ... and EXCLUSIVE tickets at
that! Some poor little girl out there got rooked by
a cold-hearted scalper for the chance to see her
idols Dream Succubus finally win the gold they
deserve, just so the Yappian Yahoo and his Denver
Drinking Buddy there can yuck it up for his
girlfriend. Cuuute.
[Rod Allen]
Your referee for this match will be Curtis Keyes.
{Devil Marumaya starts in the ring against Brenda Storm. The two
lock into a collar-elbow tieup; Maruyama gets the advantage, and
immediately picks up Brenda, pressing her overhead before
slamming her down.}
[Stan]: OK, now I ask you ... why would anyone in their
right mind WANT a collar/elbow tie-up with Marumaya?
I don't care if she's a woman -- if I'm in the ring
with her, she gets a chair.
[Kyle]: Nice to hear you talking sense for a change --
but why hit HER with a chair? The only thing she's
done wrong is dominate the tag division here since its
inception!
[Heather]: Uh, Kyle, for most of that time they were
the ONLY tag team.
[Kyle]: That's the problem with you -- you quibble
about the smallest details ...
{As Brenda gets up, Devil bearhugs her. Brenda breaks the hold,
and Devil rakes her eyes, then throws her with a belly-to-belly
suplex. Devil stands up, but Brenda karate chops her before she
can act, then legsweeps her and applies a claw.}
[Heather]: Brenda Storm wise to stick to her martial
arts expertise -- it minimizes the advantages of
Devil's greater size and strength ...
{Devil breaks out; both women stand, and Brenda delivers a
karate kick, then whips Devil to the ropes, meeting her with a
dropkick on the rebound. She picks up Devil and whips her to
the ropes again, this time charging to the opposite side;
bouncing off, she takes down Devil with a Lou Thesz press,
though Devil powers out before the count.}
[Heather]: I just can't believe how UP for this match
Brenda is! She's wrestling better than I've seen her
in months!
[Kyle]: It's called "desperation," Heather -- she knows
that if she has to tag once, JUST ONCE, the whole sham
will be seen through, and her crippled partner will
take the team to a humiliating defeat.
[Stan]: Maybe it's compassion. After all, if Angela
really /was/ crippled, and Demon Succubus took
advantage of them, Steve's still out in the crowd
somewhere, with a couple Molsons in him no less.
Draw your own mental picture. Just be sure not to
leave the heads on very securely.
{Brenda hits her with a palm thrust, then picks her up and whips
her into the ropes; Devil catches her with a karate chop of her
own on the rebound, then lifts her in an elevated chokehold. The
referee warns her to break it, and she lets Brenda down, only
to get a legsweep, followed by a legdrop; Brenda then puts on
another claw.}
[Kyle]: See what "following the ruuuules" gets you?
Next time Keyes gets in your way, Devil, you put HIM in
a chokehold!
[Heather]: KYLE! That's despicable!
[Kyle]: Give me one good reason why not to!
[Heather]: I'll give you THREE: DQ? Fines? Suspensions?
[Kyle]: Rematches. Tabs. The Bahamas. Your point?
[Heather]: I'm REALLY beginning to miss Paul ...
{Devil breaks the claw, and both women stand; Devil puts on a
bear hug. Brenda breaks the hold, and knocks Devil down with a
back brain kick. She then hops on the top rope and springs off
with a legdrop. She climbs the corner, and jumps off as Devil
gets to her feet; Marumaya catches her, and press slams her.}
[Kyle]: A wise Canadian once said: "Evil will always
win, because good is stupid." I think it was Sir
Wilfred Laurier.
[Heather]: It was RICK MORANIS in "Spaceballs",
you twit!
[Kyle]: That would explain why I remember hearing it at
Planet Hollywood with Sly and Demi ...
[Heather]: You-- no, I'm not falling into this ...
{She delivers a karate chop as Brenda gets back to her feet,
then pokes her in the eyes, before snagging her into a belly-to-
belly suplex. Brenda makes a lunge tag to Angela as Devil is
standing up, and Angela hops in to floor Devil with a dropkick.}
[Kyle]: That's it! Match over! Hand Dream Succubus
the belts! Congratulations, ladies, you earned them!
[Stan]: Kyle, you couldn't get any more premature
if you came out of a cabbage patch.
{She attempts a somersault legdrop, but Devil rolls out of the
way, then tags in Demoness Kimura. Demoness gouges Angela in the
eyes to stun her, then picks her up into a salto suplex.}
[Kyle]: Premature, he says. Stan, you may have been a
great wrestler, but a great MANAGER looks at the ENTIRE
picture. And the picture HERE is, Angela Dante's been
taking rehab advice from a grade-A certified LOONEY! If
she's 100%, I'm the sixth Spice Girl!
{She drags Dante back to her feet, and whips her to the ropes,
rushing to the opposite side; as the two meet on the rebound,
Angela hits Demoness with a clothesline, then follows her down
with a somersault legdrop. She lets Kimura get back to her feet,
before hooking her into a backslide: 1 ... 2 ... Kimura grabs
Angela's hair for leverage to pull herself out of the rollup.}
[Heather]: So Kyle ... would that be "Preppie Spice?"
Or maybe "Smirky Spice?"
[Kyle]: A few fluke moves doesn't mean she's back.
[Heather]: Maybe "Pouty Spice" ...
{She chops Angela as the two return to their feet; Angela tags
in Brenda, who hops in to give Kimura a karate chop of her own.
Kimura answers with a chop to Brenda, then whips her to the
ropes, running to the other side; she smacks Brenda with a
clothesline on the return. Brenda gives her a palm thrust from
the mat as she's getting up, then legsweeps her. She stands up,
runs to the ropes, and attempts a legdrop, but Kimura rolls
aside.}
[Heather]: And the back-and-forth continues ...
neither team is really able to dominate for very long,
it seems.
[Stan]: I think familiarity may be breeding confusion
here instead of contempt -- both teams know each other
well enough, that they're having problems coming up
with ideas their opponent hasn't seen before.
{Brenda delivers another palm thrust from the mat; she stands
up, hips Kimura to the ropes, and catches her on the return with
a karate kick. She puts on a claw; Kimura breaks it, and Brenda
stands up to drop a leg on her. Both women get to their feet, and
Brenda takes down Kimura with a back brain kick.}
[Kyle]: You know, while you're sitting over there
making fun of me, I'd just like to point out since
Angela's cameo appearance, she hasn't done much more
than make moonie-eyes at the blond barbarian ...
[Heather]: Don't you have harmony to practice? In any
case, there's a difference between being healthy and
being overly reckless -- no sense not taking it slowly
if there's isn't a reason not to yet ...
[Kyle]: I think there were more negatives in that
sentence than in your last date.
{She then picks her up, whips her to the ropes, bounces off the
opposite side, and takes her down with a Lou Thesz Press: 1 ...
2 ... Kimura boxes Brenda's ears to escape. She hits Brenda with
a karate chop, then tags in Devil Maruyama; she begins to yell at
the referee, making motions to Angela, as Devil wraps a chain
around her fist, and hits Brenda with it a couple times.}
[Heather]: This is abominable! Angela hadn't done
anything -- how could Curtis believe that woman?
[Kyle]: But Heather, if Angela's at 100%, of COURSE
she'd intercede for her partner, right?
[Heather]: Don't start with me ...
{Brenda fends off Devil with a karate kick as the referee finally
gets Demoness out of the ring, then hops on the top rope and
springs off with a dropkick; Devil reels, but stays on her feet.
Brenda bounces off the ropes, and takes down Devil with a Lou
Thesz press: 1 ... 2 ... Devil punches her way free.}
[Heather]: Close call for the challengers, DESPITE
their underhanded tactics.
{Brenda puts on a clawhold, pulling Devil to her feet. She then
takes down Devil with a back brain kick; as Maruyama gets back to
her feet, she hops on the top rope and springs off with a high
roundhouse kick, and makes a cover: 1 ... 2 ... }
[Heather]: And the Thunderstorm! This match is-- no,
Kimura with the save ... Brenda doesn't lose her
cool, though, and catches Devil with a 'rana! She's
going up top again ... ANOTHER THUNDERSTORM! Keyes
back just in time to make the cover ... 1 ... 2 ...
THREE!
[Kyle]: Oh for the love of ... I need some Alka-
Seltzer ... preferably with a lemon twist.
[Heather]: And Firestorm proved they're back, and
better than ever, with a solid win!
[Kyle]: In your dreams! The only thing it proved is
you can't get a fair match while a psycho watches
you like a hawk! For all your hype, Heather, Angela
was practically a cheerleader ... Dream Succubus
will regroup, be back, and destroy the loony lovebird
and her kick-happy partner!
[Heather]: Stan, you've been pretty quiet the last
few minutes ... what're your thoughts on the match?
[Stan]: Just that I think I know where I've seen my
ex's new lawyer before.
>>INTERVIEW SET<<
{The set has been furnished to replicate a very posh and lavish
smoking room of a mansion. In center of it all sits Reynard
Guile, cigar in one hand, microphone in the other. He is dressed
in a tuxedo and top hat, with a red smoking jacket over the
tuxedo jacket. Smiling at the boos, he speaks.}
[Guile]
I see Canadians have no sense of style either.
{More boos}
[Guile]
{Stands to the front of the stage} Well, we'll give some of you
peons something to cheer about. My guest will be facing later
tonight Ken Mischief for the AWI World Championship. Here's the
"War Machine", Greg Gardner.
[Heather]: Boy, HE sounds enthusiastic ...
{The characteristic guitar solo of the Faith No More cover of
"War Pigs" fills the air, as Greg Gardner walks in wearing black
denim jeans and a black leather jacket (more "fashionable" style
than "gang" style), sans mask.}
[Guile]
{wide-eyed} God, you're big. Now, we will have no rough stuff on
my stage ... um ... Mr. Gardner ... please?
[Greg Gardner]
{faint smile} Mr. Guile, I'm a man of very ... even temper.
Considering the crowd whose attentions you typically appeal to, I
think you're quite a bit *safer* right now.
[Guile]
{weakly smiling} As everyone knows here, I'm a big fan of yours.
[Heather]: Oh, PLEASE ...
[Guile]
I've followed you from you travels in Indonesia all the way to
your time in the AWA.
[Gardner]
{cough} While I hold nothing against the Atlantic Wrestling
Association, or the fine athletes there, I haven't had the
opportunity to wrestle in that promotion. And ... {pause, almost
under his breath} do they even HAVE wrestling in Indonesia?
[Guile]
Oh. Must have been another big goof -- I MEAN, BIG WRESTLER OF
QUALITY.
[Kyle]: Look at that -- how can Gardner call himself a
sportsman, harassing a smaller man like that?
[Heather]: He's not DOING anything, Kyle ...
[Stan]: Which, given that he's probably not getting
paid for this appearance, is pretty much par for the
course ...
[Guile]
Please tell the Canadians out there how Americans are so much
better than they are.
[Gardner]
{looking a little annoyed} Well, considering that at best I'm an
American *expatriate* ... I'm not exactly the man to be saying
that. And considering that among the people I admire the most are
Canadian athletes like Jerry Straite or Chris Sim ... I'm not
exactly the man to be saying that. And considering that I still
have a modicum of brain cells left, as well as a mostly human
heart ... {wry chuckle} I'm not exactly the man to be saying
that.
[Kyle]: SUCK UP! TRAITOR! FLAG-BURNER!
[Guile]
{under his breath} sell out ... {looks up} Oh, no no no ... I
said "Look how this arena sold out so quickly!" The AWI is really
popular here! I'm sorry, did you have anything else to say?
[Gardner]
I do have something to say ... {turns to look at the crowds}
Twice before, I've been at this threshold, facing the last long
steps that separate me, and all the fans who've supported me
through the years, from the highest honor this sport can offer
... and twice before, I've failed. The motivations and mechanisms
may belong to other men, but the blame rests square on these
shoulders -- because it takes a higher level of focus, a greater
dedication, to succeed at the championship heights. Tonight, I
plan to reach that focus ... tonight, I walk away in victory, or
not at all ... because I owe that to myself, and I owe it to the
men, women, and children who cheered me on only to be
disappointed two times before. To those fans out there, I promise
you -- NOT TONIGHT!!!
{The fans cheer loudly in response.}
[Guile]
Ok ... well, let me now introduce the opponent of Greg Gardner
tonight....KEN MISCHIEF!!!
{Ken Mischief walks in wearing jeans and a t-shirt, with his usual
mix of confidence and "angry at everyone" expression.}
[Guile]
{to Mischief} THANK GOD you are here, Ken! Gardner was
intimidating me, and threatening me with all sorts of violence if
I wasn't polite to him! Now that you're here, the big GOOF can't
touch me! {taking off the red jacket, revealing a big Mischief
button on his tuxedo} HA! Tell this crowd how quickly you'll beat
Gardner and become the new AWI Champion!
[Mischief]
First, the AWI comes up with some cockamamie idea that I would be
a willing participant in some lame tournament for the title. When
I refused, the AWI started worrying. But don't worry-- "Gardner
will come in and save the AWI." So I get stuck in a match for the
World Title against some has-been from yesteryear. Gardner, I
respect you for what you did but it's time to move on.
[Guile]
{pointing the mic to Gardner} And your response? {Guile quickly
pulls the mic away just as Gardner begins to speak} Thought so.
He's not only mindless, but he's speechless in front of your
expertise, Ken!
{Gardner looks irritated for a moment, then calmly and
deliberately picks up Reynard at the waist, holding him so the
mike is at his head level.}
[Gardner]
Speechless? Not by a mile, Guile ... I don't have the windbag
gene that makes this so easy for Kerry, so I'm going to make this
simple. I'm not here tonight to save the AWI. I'm not here
tonight to "steal" the world title. But, last and most
importantly ... I am NOT here tonight to LOSE to YOU! You say you
respect me, Ken Mischief? You won't know what those words mean,
not really, until we step inside the squared circle tonight ...
when we leave that ring, belt or no belt, you ARE going to
RESPECT me ... and, belt or no belt, you and everyone else in
this federation are going to realize that Greg Gardner is not the
man of yesteryear -- I AM THE NOW!!!
{Gardner carefully sets down Guile, straightening his jacket
(and covering the button "accidentally"), staring down
Mischief.}
(Mischief grabs Guile by the collar and starts to speak.)
[MIschief]
Well, Gardner, if you are THE NOW, hell, I must be the NOW AND
FUTURE OF WRESTLING!!! Gardner, when you stuck your nose in the
ring saying you deserved a title shot, you were looking for
trouble. Well, Gardner, you got BIG TROUBLE!!!!!!! Tonight, when I
kick your carcass around the ring and pin you 1-2-3, the AWI will
finally have a real WORLD CHAMPION!!!
{Mischief shoves Guile to the ground and stomps off stage to the
back.}
=================================================================
{Camera cuts back to the ring, where Rod Allen is waiting.}
[Allen]
Ladies and gentlemen, your next bout is set for one fall, with a
time limit of twenty minutes ... introducing first, weighing in
at one hundred and forty pounds ... SARAH ... VICTORY!
{The industrial/dance beat of "Control" by Traci Lords kicks up
as Sarah Victory walks calmly down to the ring.}
[Allen]
And her opponent tonight ... from the city of Grand Rapids,
Michigan ... weighing in at one hundred and thirty pounds ...
she IS the AWI Women's champion ... the FAAALLLEEEN AAANGEL!!!
{Animotion's "Obsession" cues up as the crowds begin to cheer,
the AWI's own original party girl half-dancing her way down to
the ring.}
[Rod Allen]
Your referee for this match is Curtis Keyes.
{Sarah Victory begins by grabbing Angel and rolling her into a
small package.}
[Heather]: WHOA! IMMEDIATE action from Sarah Victory --
AND an immediate illegal action, using the Angel's
tights for leverage!
{The count: 1 ... 2 ... Angel manages to break free at the last
second.}
[Heather]: And thre-- no, the Angel barely avoids a
bullet speed pinfall there! NOT a good omen ...
[Kyle]: Hey, it's practically the appearance of the
Virgin Mary as far as I'm concerned -- after the Angel
squeaked through two fluke wins on the last champion, I
was thinking her luck would NEVER run out ...
{Sarah delivers a karate chop, followed by a karate kick.}
[Heather]: *Luck*? The Angel has shown nothing but
PHENOMENAL talent since her entrance into the AWI ...
{The Fallen Angel fights back with a chop of her own, then whips
Sarah into the ropes, meeting her on the rebound with a jumping
roundhouse kick.}
[Heather]: ... and now she continues to display that
talent!
{Sarah gets up, and the Angel takes her back down with a hip
toss.}
[Heather]: The Fallen Angel asserting dominance in this
match ... she gets ready to take to the air -- YES!
{The Angel jumps off with a flying elbow drop, and makes a cover:
1 ... 2 ... Sarah kicks out.}
[Heather]: A close count for Sarah, AND no illegal
tactics involved in that near-win!
[Kyle]: Yeah, well, that's why it's a NEAR win, babe --
she doesn't have the guts to take it to the edge, she
can look forward to donating a valuable piece of
apparel, and I DON'T mean to the Salvation Army!
{Both women stand; Sarah cuts down the Angel with a thrust kick,
then waits for her to stagger back up before hitting her with an
enziguiri kick. She picks up Angel, and clocks her with a second
enziguiri kick, then drops a fist on her.}
[Heather]: Sarah Victory catching her pace now,
delivering a brutal assault on the Angel ...
[Kyle]: Earth to beachbunny: that "assault" is called
WRESTLING! If the Fallen Angel can't take it, she
should get back to the dance floor and out of the ring!
{Sarah picks up Angel, only to take a thrust kick; the Angel
climbs the corner.}
[Heather]: Nice martial arts counter by the Angel ...
[Kyle]: Yeahyeahyeah -- look, the Fallen Angel may have
a couple chopsocky shots she picked up watching John
Belushi on Saturday Night Live, but she's in the ring
with a REAL martial artist, with a belt and a dojo and
everything!
{The Angel flies off with an elbow drop, but Sarah gets her knees
up; she then rolls over to cover the Angel: 1 ... 2 ... the Angel
gets a foot on the ropes.}
[Heather]: Another high risk gamble from the Angel --
and this check bounces! Sarah willing to take the easy
out ... but the Angel's still up for the count!
[Kyle]: Yeah, but for how long? Like I was saying --
before coming to the AWI, she made a LIVING teaching
people how to kick ass!
{Sarah drags Angel to her feet and whips her into the turnbuckle.
She then closes in and begins issuing a series of hard kicks.}
[Kyle]: See that? That's PROFESSIONAL quality ...
that's what happens when an amateur takes on an
instructor! The Angel ought to be counting her
blessings -- this kind of hands on training with a
master usually costs a LOT more than the amount of gold
in that belt!
{Sarah pushes the Angel out of the corner, and fells her with an
enziguiri kick, then delivers an axe kick before making a cover.}
[Heather]: Angel down on the mat -- and Sarah with a
vicious heel kick! She's rolling up the Angel for the
pin -- 1! 2! 3-- ANGEL KICKS OUT!!!
[Kyle]: So in addition to being flighty and annoying,
she's also a glutton for punishment ... g-r-eaaaat.
{Sarah attempts a roundhouse kick on the Angel as she's standing
up, but the Fallen Angel leaps forward to clothesline her.}
[Heather]: I think she's got more than enough
punishment to GIVE this time around, Kyle!
{The Angel drops a leg on Sarah, then hops on the top rope,
springing off with a splash.}
[Heather]: The Angel takes flight once more, and hooks
a leg for the pin! 1 ... 2 ... and Sarah with a cheap
tug on her hair to get free!
[Kyle]: If it works, it WORKS.
{The Angel climbs to the top turnbuckle again, and jumps off as
Sarah is getting to her feet, taking her down with a flying drop
kick. She then goes to drop a leg, but Sarah pulls something from
the corner and hits her with it.}
[Heather]: Angel following through -- and goes down
hard! She must have landed wro-- no, I think I see now!
Sarah Victory had some kind of -- are those nunchucks?
-- stashed in the ring corner! Curtis Keyes must not
have seen it with Angel between him and the illegal
weapon ... Sarah Victory is making the cover -- one ...
two ... THIS IS A TRAVESTY!!!
[Kyle]: What this IS is a TITLE CHANGE, BABY!
ONE-TWO-THREE!!!
[Rod Allen]
Ladies and gentlemen ...
{The crowd is already beginning to shower the ring with boos, as
Curtis Keyes collects the title and lifts Sarah's arm.}
... the winner of this match ... and the NEW champion of the AWI
Women's Division ... SAAARAAAH VICTORY!!!
[Heather]: This is just TOO much ... let's get some
words regarding the next match ....
=================================================================
{Jade Tiger paces about in the locker room, tacked on the wall
behind him is a Canadian flag, upside down.}
[Jade Tiger]
Jerry Straite! So this is your beloved Canada ... cold, bleak
like the hearts and minds of its residents. The English author
Samuel Johnson once stole from my people the ancient proverb:
''Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open
one's mouth and remove all doubt.'
Jerry Straite, your constant meanderings and gibberish has
betrayed you. The entire world is now privy to your foolishness.
For hours we have had to listen to you spew patriotic prattle
that illustrates your nationalistic idiocy.
Canada? I see people without employment, starving children,
warring factions who seek their own identity and independence.
A country whose greatest athletes go south to the corrupt
America for fame and fortune? These are patriots proud of their
country? Lindros, Gretzky ... even you, Jerry Straite!!
Olympians Ross Rebagliati and Ben Johnson celebrate their
triumphs as slaves to narcotics! HA!
This is to be proud of? You mock the Temple, and belittle my
lack of a country? In the Temple no one is without purpose, no
one goes hungry, everyone draws their strength from inside. The
Temple provides leadership and discipline to the individual, not
a population of the lazy.
You care about these illiterate, drunken fans. I do not. Unlike
you, I do not need to wrap myself in some flag with a leaf on it,
in order to find self worth. Go out there and fight for them
Jerry Straite, be the Canadian John Wayne, just remember that in
your defeat many children will cry tears of sorrow. You will have
let them down, you will be a villain in your own homeland.
=================================================================
[Heather]
Rather strong words from the Jade Tiger--
>>AISLE<<
{The announcers are interrupted by the harmonica-drum intro to
the Crash Test Dummies' "Here on Earth" that is Jerry Straite's
entrance music. It ignites the crowd ... only to stop two bars
in, holding the last note. It's suddenly punctuated by images
appearing on the video screen ... pictures of Straite in action
as a young man. While the matches are unfamiliar, they apparently
means something to the Montreal fans, as they explode into
renewed enthusiasm as they see Straite and his opponents. The
music kicks up again, cutting in and out as more pictures are
shot onto the screen. Most of the pictures seem to be from
Straite's earlier career, but they're interspersed with action
from WOW and the AWI, as well as pictures of famed Montreal
landmarks.}
[Stan]: Seems like Future Shock's not the only one
spreading around the greenbacks. The AWI's volunteer
A/V club must be pret-ty happy tonight.
{The music kicks into its regular pace as Jerry emerges from
the curtains. He has a flagpole in each hand, one flying the
Canadian flag, the other the Quebec flag. Straite makes his way
down to the ring to a tremendous ovation, and just absorbs it as
he hits the ring.}
[Kyle]: Ladies and gentlemen, this ... is the end. The
end of professional wrestling.
{He mounts the flags in one corner, and gets a hold of a mic.}
[JS]
{huge grin on his face} Oh, yeah ... let me hear you ... let me
HEAR YOU ... COME ON ... LET - ME - HEAR - YOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!!
[Kyle]: Oh, no! He's gotten so old, his hearing's gone!
{They do, as Jerry gets up on the second turnbuckle and pumps his
arms before jumping down again.}
[JS]
LET THE U.S. HEAR IT ... LET NORTH AMERICA HEAR IT ... LET THE
*WOOORLD* HEAR IT ... LET'EM HEAR WHAT IT MEANS ... LET'EM HEAR
WHAT WRESTLING MEANS IN MON - TRE - AAAALLLLLL!!!!!!
[Kyle]: FINE, let them all hear it, just don't make ME
listen to it ...
{Can you spell bonkers, children? I knew you could.}
[JS]
You saw it on the monitors! It was here ... 24 years ago ...
Montreal ... Jerry Straite won his first title! I was born and
raised in Winnipeg ... God knows, I love that city, I love that
province! And that's where I learned how to *fight*! But it was
here ... it was here, in Quebec, that my education really
started! *This* is where I learned how to *wrestle*! HERE, I
learned what the fans could mean!! And it was *here* ... in
Quebec ... that I found out what it takes to BE A CHAMPION!!!
Crystal Crow ... you're NO champion!! You don't deserve to wear
that title ... not in the AWI ... and you sure as *hell*
wouldn't've been able to cut it in Quebec!!!
Your boss sneers at 'the West'!! He thinks he's got the answer!
He thinks he's got it *allll* worked out! But Crow, you've been
listenin' to him *way* too long! THIS IS YOUR WAKE UP CALLLL!!!
TONIGHT, YOU ARE IN MONTREAL, QUEBEC, CANADA!!! TONIGHT, YOU
WRESTLE JERRY STRAITE!!! TONIGHT ... YOU ... ARE ...
*FINISHED*!!!!!!
{Straite tosses the mic back to Rod Allen and bathes in the
heartfelt response of the crowd.}
[Rod Allen]
Our next match is set for one fall, with a time limit of twenty
minutes ... {clears throat} the challenger, already in the ring,
needs NO introduction ... JERRY STRAITE! And his opponent
tonight, weighing in at two-hundred and twenty-five pounds ...
from the Celestial Temple of the Orient ... accompanied to
ringside by his manager, the Jade Tiger ... he IS the AWI North
American champion ... the CRYSTAL CROOOOOOOOOW!!!
{"Flying High Again" by Ozzy Osbourne cues up on the PA as the
pair walks to ringside, as if oblivious to the rampant boos of
the crowd. As Crow and Tiger enter, Jerry steps out of the ring
and plants the flags in flagstands near the time-keepers table;
then he returns to the ring.}
[Rod Allen]
Your referee for this match is Curtis Keyes.
{The pair lock up in a collar-elbow tieup; Crystal Crow spins
Straite into a legwheel throw, then follows with a karate chop, a
karate kick, and a roundhouse kick to his left arm.}
[Heather]: The Crystal Crow certainly wasting no time
tonight in taking the attack to Jerry Straite's injured
elbow ... almost as if the Jade Tiger demands not only
a successful defense, but the elimination of any
possibility for a rematch.
{Crow whips Jerry into the ropes, but Jerry rebounds with a
clothesline; he picks up the Crow and headbutts him, then whips
him into the ropes, rushing to the opposite side to return with
a second clothesline.}
[Heather]: Jerry retakes the advantage -- and just
listen to that crowd!
[Stan]: Hmmm ... looks like we've got a couple honorary
hosers down there ...
>>RINGSIDE<<
{Steve the Insane and Joe Walker back in their front row seats,
wearing their touks again; they've now got a "Molsen" cooler
which they're apparently sharing with the fans around them as
they play cheerleader.}
[Kyle]: Good lord, the Dain Bramaged Duo is at it again
-- AND they're encouraging rowdy, drunken behavior to
boot!
[Heather]: I think it's a nice gesture, Steve and Joe
obviously here to show their support to a friend ...
>>RING<<
{Jerry locks the Crow into a half nelson; the Crow chops his way
out, but Jerry sends him reeling with a headbutt, then hiptosses
him. Jerry drops to the mat to headlock the Crow; the Crow
escapes, and Jerry switches to a half nelson, pulling the Crow
up into a kneeling position before locking on a full nelson.}
[Kyle]: Hey, look over their -- another one of Jerry's
friends has come out to show his support!
>>AISLE<<
{Nick Vorpal heads down the aisle to the ring, carrying his chain.}
[Heather]: Nick Vorpal! What could he POSSIBLY-- no
doubt he's here to add another chapter to his
never-ending rivalry with Jerry Straite!
[Kyle]: Hey, maybe he's just looking to even the odds
with Moe and Shemp sitting over there!
{The Crow breaks out, and Jerry stands him up, whipping him into
the turnbuckle; closing in, he delivers a solid kick, but the
Crow fights his way out with a karate chop and karate kick to the
arm. Jerry shakes off the pain and slams Crow to the mat, then
goes for a legdrop, but misses. Crow puts on an Oriental spike.}
[Heather]: The Crow's Talon on firmly, and Jerry may be
in trouble!
[Kyle]: He's in the same zipcode as Nick Vorpal -- of
COURSE he's in trouble!
{Straite breaks out, and punches Crow, then stands up and kicks
him; he grabs him by the shoulders and kneelifts him. The Crow
gives him a karate punch, but Jerry scoops him up and drops him
in a side slam suplex.}
[Heather]: Jerry has the Crow up -- and can you hear
the earth shake!!!
{The Crow pushes him off before Curtis Keyes can make a count.
Jerry slaps on a sleephold.}
[Kyle]: Uh-oh -- Jerry's trying to wrangle another
cheap-o win like the rookjob he gave Tank Bradley!
{The Crow twists out of the sleeper, and Jerry pulls him back to
his feet, hitting him with another kneelift, then whipping him
to the ropes; following him into the ropes, he clotheslines the
Crow over the top.}
[Heather]: Jerry cutting it close -- and sends the Crow
crashing hard to the mats outside!!!
{Jade Tiger grabs his kendo stick and closes in on Straite as the
Man from Can is leaving the ring; Nick Vorpal intercedes, and
hands him his chain.}
[Heather]: Jerry better rethink this strategy -- he's
got a two-to-one fight on his hands OUTside the ring
... what is Nick Vorpal up to?
[Kyle]: In Silicon Valley, we call that a "hardware
upgrade", baby ...
{Jerry picks up the Crow and whips him into the railing, only to
get hit in the head with the chain by Jade Tiger.}
[Heather]: Jerry sends Crow crashing into the steel
railing -- AND JADE TIGER TAKES HIM DOWN!!! Here come
the troops, and they are NOT happy!
{Steve and Joe hop the railing to charge JT, hitting him with a
double punch; Joe goes to work returning Crow and Jerry to the
ring, as Steve hits JT with the chain.}
[Heather]: Steve the Insane delivering a little
eye-for-an-eye on the Tiger! But here comes Nick!
{Nick Vorpal rushes Steve, but he gets the chain too; Steve
then goes to the timekeeper and deposits the chain with him, and
then calls Joe back to the seats as the Crow gets to his feet in
the ring.}
[Heather]: I guess you could call that a stretch of
volunteer refereeing by Looking For a Fight--
[Kyle]: No, you could call it CRYSTAL CROW GETTING
ROOKED!!!
[Heather]: --but for all that, the Crystal Crow is
still the first one back on his feet, and he looks to
have the advantage on Jerry Straite!
>>RING<<
{The Crow drags Straite up, whips him to the ropes, and charges
to the opposite side to catch Jerry on the rebound with a drop
kick. He then delivers an extended eyegouge on the mat before
climbing the corner, leaping off with a shooting star kneedrop.}
[Heather]: INCREDIBLE flying maneuver from the Crystal
Crow!
{He makes a cover, but Jerry kicks out before the count. Crow
hits him with a frustrated karate chop to the arm, and pulls
him to his feet, whipping him to the ropes; Jerry catches him
on the return with a clothesline.}
[Heather]: Crow still working on that arm, but Jerry
does NOT let it keep him down!
{He lets Crow stagger back up, and whips him to the opposite
ropes, catching him on the return with a powerslam.}
[Heather]: Jerry sending Crow on a commuter flight
STRAIGHT to the mat! This could be it!
{Jade Tiger gets on the apron and grabs the referee's attention,
as Jerry picks up the Crow, hoists him as for a vertical suplex,
then drops him down into a piledriver position, and makes a
cover.}
[Heather]: Jerry has him up -- AND STRAIT DOWN!!! He's
got him hooked for a pin, but Curtis Keyes is still
arguing with Jade Tiger on the apron -- he doesn't see
this call! And the Crow finally manages to throw Jerry
off, after who KNOWS what count?
{Jerry pulls the Crow up and whips him to the ropes, catching
him with a sleephold; the Crow punches his way out, only to get
scooped into a standing powerslam.}
[Heather]: ANOTHER smashing power move from the
hometown favorite ... but Tiger's got Curtis pulled
aside AGAIN! He doesn't see the count!
{Crow kicks out. He gouges Jerry's eyes with both hands, then
climbs to the top rope, jumping off with a flying karate kick,
and makes a cover, but Jerry throws him off before the count.
He then applies an Oriental spike.}
[Heather]: Another Crow's Talon to wear down Jerry, and
possibly put him down for the count ...
{Jerry punches his way out of the spike, and standing up, whips
Crow into the turnbuckle; dragging him out of the corner, he
repeats the vertical suplex-into-piledriver, and rolls forward
for the pin.}
[Heather]: ANOTHER STRAIT DOWN! Jade Tiger is screaming
at Curtis, but Keyes is on the case this time, and
there's the count -- ONE! TWO! THREE!!! HE DID IT! HE
DID IT! JERRY STRAITE JUST WON THE BELT!!!
{The entire stadium erupts into a gigantic cheer as Straite gets
back to his feet, Curtis Keyes handing him the North American
title ... Rod Allen steps into the ring, and just waits, as if
doubtful of even being heard while the crowd is cheering.
Finally, it dims down just a hair for him to get a word in
edgewise.}
[Rod Allen]
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this match ... and the NEW
NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION of the AWI ... JEEERRRYYYYYYYYY
STRRRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIITEEE!!!
{The official announcement just sparks another round of applause
as Steve and Joe enter the ring to offer their congratulations.}
[Kyle]: {shouting despite the benefit of having a
priority sound feed} THIS IS PATHETIC, HEATHER! YOU'D
THINK HE JUST CURED CANCER, OR MAYBE INVENTED BEER ...
[Heather]: Ow ... Kyle, I'm right next to you ... in
any case, I'm sure if you took a vote across the
continent, it would show he deserves every decibel! He
said he'd bring the North American championship home,
and he came through in a BIG way!
[Kyle]: WhatEVER ... how about we get some words from a
HIGHER ranking belt, and maybe cut the volume in the
process?
=================================================================
{Cut to Intensive Care standing by in the dressing room.}
[Mike "Stretcher" Kirwan]
There's nothing wrong with thinking you're the best. Perfection,
you made one mistake ... you think that you're the best when
/WE'RE/ around. Quite obviously, you're wrong.
[John "Asylum" Smith]
{not totally listening to his partner} Perfection, you two are
pretty obnoxious types. The fans don't like listening to big
mouths, so we're gonna have to shut you up ... for the fans.
{Smith leaves the room.}
[Kirwan]
If my partner wants to think he's doing it for the fans, that's
fine. I don't need fans, and I don't /LIKE/ the fans. Perfection,
I don't care one way or another about you, but you want these
belts, which makes you the enemy ... and tonight's victims.
=================================================================
[Heather]: Asylum looking out for the fans' best
interests? THIS could get ... scary ...
[Rod Allen]
Ladies and gentlemen, our next match is a tag team event set for
one fall, with a time limit of twenty minutes ... introducing
first, at a combined weight of five-hundred and twenty-nine
pounds ... Kim "Tiger" Lee and Jilliam Bole ...
PEEEEEEEEERFECTION!!!
>>AISLE<<
{"Perfect Strangers" by Deep Purple cues up on the PA, as Kim and
Jil stride down to ringside; both are wearing bulky elbow-pads,
arm braces, and amateur wrestling helmets.}
[Heather]: Hmm ... looks like someone is {cough}
concerned about Mike Kirwan's choice of tactics.
[Kyle]: Hey, who wouldn't be? This is just the kind
of tactical planning that makes these two great. In
fact, you could call it ... perfect.
[Stan]: Kyle, just thought y'all would like to know,
I'm going to thump you every time you say that until
the end bell.
[Heather]: Never thought I'd say this, but thank you,
Stan ...
[Kyle]: HEY! Don't encourage him!
>>RING<<
[Rod Allen]
And their opponents tonight ... weighing in at four hundred and
ninety-nine pounds ... hailing from the city of Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania ... they ARE the AWI WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS ...
Mike "Stretcher" Kirwan and John "Asylum" Smith ...
>>AISLE<<
{The lights dim, and emergency-style flashing lights play over
the arena; instead of the usual ambulance sirens, though, they
are accompanied by David Bowie's "Heroes".}
[Rod Allen]: IIIIIIIIINTENSIIIIIIIIIVE ... CAAAAAAAAARE!!!
{The crowd REALLY begins to boo as the pair walks down to
ringside, though John seems to be doing his best to change their
minds, slapping hands with braver fans, and stopping to point to
one screwball with a sign reading "Support Your Doctor -- Fight
Intensive Care". Mike stares at John until he "shapes up" and
they hit the ring.}
[Heather]: You know, it's almost enough to make you
wonder -- there might be a decent person inside John
if you could get him away from Stretcher ...
[Kyle]: Yeah, yeah, yeah, honey, and getting shot in
the head might be a lot of fun, too, if it didn't
involve lots of pain, blood, and being dead.
{"Who Brings The Loot" by Grand Puba and the Brand New Heavies
starts up, as Jamahn Chamberlin and his bodyguard Felony Slade
come down to ringside. He calls for a microphone as he steps on
the apron.}
[Jamahn Chamberlin]
{to crowd} Nice to see y'all again! You know, I was on my way
back to my box seats after the last few matches ... speaking
of which, MAD PROPS, KERRY! AND YOU DA MAN, JERRY!
{Crowd pops heartily.}
[Jamahn]
Anyways, as I was saying, there I am walking back, when a thought
hit me -- as long as I'm in the business of referee delivery, I
ought to give some attention to THIS match. See, we all KNOW what
stand-up guys Perfection are ...
{The crowd gives a low boo.}
... and, of course, everybody knows that Intensive Care here
would NEVER get into any funny business around a ring ...
{The crowd boos even louder.}
... so it only makes sense that a bunch of quality sportsmen like
this deserves a referee of equal calibre. {pause} That, and
Brandie Mulroney took the rest of the night off after Steve &
Joe's little house party. So, everybody give it up for tonight's
referee -- BILLY GERBER!!!
{There's quite a smattering of cheers from the crowd, which has a
lot of FWA fans (ok, they're really crossover Kerry fans) who
recognize the name ... Billy Gerber comes down to ringside, a big
muscular man wearing a standard referee uniform.}
Thank you all, and gooooood night!
{Jamahn hops down and heads back down the aisle, as Billy enters
the ring and squares off Mike Kirwan with Kim Lee.}
[Kyle]: And the FWA conspiracy continues! Jamahn's
planting his personal thug to make sure BOTH of these
quality teams take as much damage as possible!
{They lock up in a collar-elbow tieup; Mike seems to be getting
the advantage, so Kim breaks off with a karate chop, followed by
a karate kick and a karate punch.}
[Heather]: Tiger Lee delivering an extended martial
arts flurry ... actually, given Billy Gerber's sterling
reputation as a sportsman and philanthropist, I'd
expect quite the opposite to be true.
[Kyle]: Say ... is it just me, or is Gerber's hair sort
of ... I don't know, mussed up ... like he'd just taken
off a hat, or maybe a--
[Heather]: You are NOT going to start this again ...
{He throws a palm thrust at Mike, who moves aside and twists him
into an armbar, but another palm thrust gets him out of that.
Kim tags in Jilliam Bole, then floors Kirwan with a back brain
kick. Bole puts Mike in a side headlock, then pulls him to his
feet and bulldogs him.}
[Kyle]: You know, this match is an absolute human
tragedy. Both of these teams could be considered the
top of their sport. Both of these teams have MUCH
better things to be doing than risking grievous injury
fighting each OTHER ... AND both of these teams not
only have apparently lost their focus, they recently
lost their management. Coincidence? I think NOT.
{He picks up Kirwan and pushes him in the corner, then charges
in with a running dropkick; he climbs the corner and jumps off to
fell Mike with a flying bulldog lariat. Bole drops an elbow, but
Mike rolls out of the way, and tags in "Asylum" John Smith. John
rushes at Jil and smacks him with a leg lariat, then drops a fist
on him; Gerber has strong words with him for using the glove.}
[Kyle]: Oh, geeeez ... I thought I EXPLAINED this,
Billy -- you WANT him to use the glove! It's safer! HIS
HANDS DRAW BLOOD!!!
{As if to show how much he cares for Billy's sense of
sportsmanship, Asylum climbs on top the corner, and jumps off
with a flying fist drop -- but Jilliam rolls out of the way, and
tags Kim Lee back in. Bole puts a spinning wristlock on Smith,
then leans him into a Kim Lee thrust kick before leaving the
ring.}
[Kyle]: Perfection with a Perf-- er, Flawless
Superkick ...
{Lee gives Smith a karate chop as he's getting back up, and Smith
counters with a punch (earning another stern lecture from Gerber),
then whips him to the ropes, rushing to the opposite side to
return with a leg lariat. He climbs to the top and jumps off, but
"Tiger" catches him with a punch to the gut. He backs John into
the Perfection corner, and tags in Jil; Jil climbs to the top,
and jumps off with a flying karate kick, but John grabs Lee by
the hair and throws him in the way, so he takes the shot instead.}
[Heather]: John with a creative reversal of the double
team!
[Kyle]: You see? Perfection's getting rusty ... they're
stagnating without guidance ... they're starting to
telegraph their intentions ... give me a call, boys,
and I GUARANTEE that will never happen again!
[Heather]: All right, I've got to hear this. HOW would
you, as an expert manager, keep that from happening?
{Jil takes him down with a dropkick, then puts on a side headlock.}
[Kyle]: Easy -- I wouldn't have signed a match with
Intensive Care.
{John escapes, and Jil drops a knee on him, then backs him into
the corner. Kim throws a kick at John, but John pokes Jil in the
eyes and pushes him in the way. Jil gets his revenge by putting
John in a spinning wristlock.}
[Heather]: Perfection may not have had much success
with the double-team maneuvers that they pride so much
yet in this bout, but they HAVE done a good job of
keeping Intensive Care immobilized, and thus mostly
harmless ...
[Stan]: There's a LONG way between "mostly" and "all
the way", Heather, especially when you're talking about
THESE boys.
{John escapes, and immediately floors Jil with a leg lariat kick,
then tags in Mike Kirwan. Kirwan steps inside and slaps a
hammerlock on Bole.}
[Stan]: Well, I'm not going to say that being in Bole's
place is a pleasant position, but I do think you have
to admit those pads are a keen thought -- anything you
can do to cut down the champions' advantages is a good
measure.
{Bole escapes, and Kirwan scoops him up to bodyslam him
arm-first. He then drops down to put on a wakigatme armbar. Bole
breaks out, and kicks Kirwan, getting to his feet; Kirwan stands
up and delivers another armfirst bodyslam, then stomps on Bole's
arm before putting on a hammerlock.}
[Heather]: I'm not so sure about your theory, Stan
-- even with the extra protection, Mike Kirwan seems
to be doing a nice job of softening up the arms.
{Bole works his way out, and tags in Lee. They use a spinning
wristlock into thrust kick combination on Kirwan, then Lee puts
on a claw. Mike breaks his grip, so Kim chops him, then picks him
up and throws him to the ropes, hitting him with a thrust kick on
the return. Both men stand up, and Kim whips Mike to the ropes
again, this time charging to the other side; Mike leaps into a
jumping clothesline, but Kim ducks it, only to get hit with a
punch to the groin as he closes in to capitalize.}
[Heather]: Mike Kirwan managing to make lemonade out
of lemons ...
[Stan]: {cough} Or other choice of fruit.
{Mike tags in Asylum, who climbs to the top turnbuckle and takes
down Kim with a flying punch. Gerber gets in his face again for
the glove, and John makes a show of using his other hand for a
fist drop.}
[Kyle]: There, are you HAPPY, Gerber? Now let him get
back to the fun stuff!
{Both men get up, and Asylum hurricaranas Lee, making a cover:
1 ... Lee kicks out, and gives John a karate chop for good
measure. He backs John into the corner and tags in Jil, then
runs to the opposite ropes as Jil climbs on top the turnbuckles;
John dodges a running legsweep from Lee, but gets felled by a
flying bodypress from Jil, though he gets a shoulder up before
Gerber can make a count.}
[Heather]: Perhaps not as Perfection planned, but
this time at least their two-pronged attack has
John at a disadvantage ...
{He punches Jilliam, and then picks him up to whip into the
ropes, dashing to the other side; Jilliam gets the drop on him,
with a dropkick, followed by a hard elbow drop. The two struggle
on the mat, and John gets the advantage by biting Bole; he then
shoves him through the ropes and outside the ring.}
[Heather]: Asylum using a truly vicious tactic -- AND
HE SENDS BOLE OUTSIDE! You know that's a sign he's
preparing for the high intensity attack!
[Kyle]: As opposed to all the backpedalling and
weardown holds he's been using so far, right?
{Standing up, he rushes to the opposite side, bounces off the
ropes, and leaps through the ropes on the return to bring down
Jilliam with a plancha dive.}
[Heather]: Asylum to the ropes -- SU-I-CIIIDE!!!
{He rolls Bole back into the ring, climbs the outside of the
turnbuckles, and leaps off with a shooting star fist drop;
however, Gerber pauses to issue another warning for use of the
glove, before acquiescing to making the count: 1 ... 2 ... Bole
gets a foot on the ropes.}
[Kyle]: If he's going to nitpick like THAT, we're going
to be here all NIGHT ... {mock whiny voice} "I can't
count that pin, you actually contacted your opponent to
knock him down."
{As Asylum stands back up, unsure of whether to beat on Bole or
Billy, Bole makes the decision moot with a punch to the groin,
then tags in Lee. Lee tries to kick John, but John grabs Bole by
the tights to take the hurt for him again, then punches Kim,
which earns him another predictable rant from Billy as he climbs
the corner. He waves Billy out of the way, and jumps off with a
flying punch, but Lee hits him in the midsection instead.}
[Kyle]: See? See? That is a DIRECT result of Billy
Gerber's needless interference!
{Lee then drops a knee but this time John rolls out of the way.
Kim recovers, and puts a claw on John; John breaks out, and
pushes him through the ropes. He grabs the top rope and
slingshots himself over for a plancha dive. Getting up, he grabs
the timekeeper's chair and runs up the ringside stairs, leaping
off as he hits the apron to nail Kim with the chair.}
[Heather]: Asylum with the chair -- AND THERE HE
GOES!!!
{He rolls in Lee and climbs the corner, leaping off with a
shooting star fistdrop and hooking a leg: 1 ... 2 ... Kim manages
to push his way out.}
[Heather]: AMAZING!!! Who'd have imagined Lee had
anything left to give after being assaulted by a chair
and Asylum's 'orthopedic brace'?
{Both men get to their feet, and John decks Kim with the glove,
knocking him to the mat, then climbs the turnbuckles again; he
leaps off with the shooting star fist, but Kim rolls out of the
way, and makes the tag to Jilliam.}
[Heather]: Air Asylum taking off -- and nothing but
the bottom of the mat! Kim Lee gets himself out of
the way, AND out of the ring!
{Jilliam steps inside and drops an elbow on Asylum before he can
get up, but John dodges, and punches him. Gerber gets in John's
face again over the glove; John shouts him off, and hops on the
ropes to spring off in a moonsault, but Jilliam is already well
out of the way.}
[Kyle]: Aaaargh! If he's going to be like that, why
doesn't Billy just tag himself in for Perfection?
{Bole snares him in a headlock, and lifts him to his feet, then
bulldogs him down. John makes a lunge tag from the floor to bring
Kirwan into the ring. Kirwan grabs Bole from behind, crossing his
arms in front, and suplexes him as John helps him over with a leg
lariat.}
[Heather]: Hel-LO! Intensive Care showing that
Perfection doesn't have a complete monopoly on the
double team attack!
{Mike puts on a half nelson/hammerlock combination. Bole gets a
hand on the ropes, and Mike lets him go, then picks him up and
whips him to the opposite ropes, catching him on the rebound with
a tilt-a-whirl shoulderbreaker.}
[Heather]: IMPRESSIVE power maneuver from Stretcher!
{Both men stand, and Mike approaches from behind for another
straitjacket suplex, but Bole grabs him by the head and snap
mares him, then tags in Lee. Lee steps in as Mike gets to his
feet, and delivers a flurry of martial arts maneuvers: karate
chop, karate kick, palm thrust ... he whips Mike to the ropes,
rushing to the opposite side himself; Mike attempts a jumping
clothesline as the meet, but Lee ducks again, and applies a
clawlock. Mike breaks his grip, and he switches to a pinch
sleeper. Mike escapes that, only to get pulled into a kneebar
armlock.}
[Heather]: Tiger Lee uses a little taste of turnabout
to keep Mike Kirwan under control ...
{Mike breaks the lock, and retorts with a wakigatme.}
[Kyle]: ... and he probably shouldn't have -- it just
makes Mike mad!
[Stan]: Far as I've ever been able to tell, purty-near
EVERYTHING makes Mike mad.
{Kim escapes, and Mike wraps him in a nelson/hammerlock. Kim
grabs the ropes, and Mike lets go; both men stand up, and Kim
drops Mike with a thrust kick, then tags in Jil. The two grab
Mike for a double maneuver, but Mike drops them both with a
double jumping clothesline.}
[Heather]: No trickery here -- Mike with the direct
approach to double team woes!!!
{Kim rolls out of the ring, as Jil grabs Mike with a side
headlock, drags him to his feet, and bulldogs him. Kim reenters
the ring as Jil climbs the corner; Mike knees Kim in the groin
and snaps him into a belly to belly suplex, which gets him out of
the way of Jil's moonsault, even as Asylum climbs his own corner.
Jil recovers quickly, putting a headlock on Mike and standing him
up, only to be hit with a flying punch to the head from Asylum.}
[Heather]: Jil with a controlling headlock on Stretcher
-- INCOMING!!! Asylum takes down Jil to save his
partner!
{Asylum drags Lee outside the ring and returns to his corner as
Mike locks Jil in a nelson/hammerlock combination; Bole escapes
the lock, and Mike tags in John, who climbs to the top to leap
off with a shooting star fist drop. He makes the cover: 1 ... 2
... Jil manages to get a leg on the ropes.}
[Heather]: Jilliam Bole thwarts another cover by John
...
[Kyle]: We've seen so many shooting stars in this
match, Shumaker and Levy are on the phone to get
coordinates ...
{John gets up and climbs the corner, jumping off as Jil gets to
his feet to take him down with a flying hurricarana; he hooks a
leg: 1 ... Jil kicks out. Bole manages to headlock John, and
returns to his feet before bulldogging him. He tags in Kim Lee,
who hits John with a savate kick; Lee drags John back up only to
be hit with a hurricarana, but Kim kicks out before Gerber can
make a count. John gets up and climbs the corner, leaping off
with a moonsault; again, Lee breaks the pin before the count.
Asylum hops onto the other corner, and jumps into a shooting
star fist drop, then hooks the leg: 1 ... 2 ... 3!}
[Rod Allen]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ... in a total time of eighteen minutes and
fifty-nine seconds ... the winners of this match -- and STILL
World Tag Team champions -- INTENSIVE CAAAAAAAAARE!!!
{The crowd gives a low boo as the boys in blue leave the ring.}
>>PRESSBOX<<
[Heather]
While the officials prepare for the next match, let's get some
comments from an up and coming AWI star who wasn't fortunate
enough to make it to Montreal tonight ...
=================================================================
{The scene opens on a lavish study, bookshelves line each wall as
several couches and a large desk occupy the room as a Bach
Bradenberg concerto cheerfully plays. First and foremost is a
table dominating the center, on it a single lamp casting forth a
brilliant glow bathing the table in a white light bringing it to
the forefront. Perched on the table is an immaculately carved
chess set in midgame. Captured pieces line each side as the
battle continues to rage amongst the sixty-four squares.
From the archway on the left side of the room Grandmaster
Alexander Spassky walks in, wearing a silk smoking jacket and
puffing away on a pipe. He carries an envelope and upon sitting
down, extracts the letter and reads it after delicately balancing
his reading glasses upon his nose. He immediately moves a black
piece on the far side of the board and begins to speak while
studying the board.}
[Spassky]
Wrestling has been touted as a game of human chess by some
boorish announcer, and while he is usually dull, this point
should be heeded. In 1972, Bobby Fischer stated 'Chess is life'
en route to capturing the world title. In this, I agree.
When one takes 64 squares, and places atop them 32 pieces that
move in different ways the possibilities become unfathomable.
Irish-American player James Mason once calculated that there are
169,518,829,100,544 quintillion possible moves within only the
first 10 moves of a match. Wrestling, like life, consists of
moves and countermoves. It is my contention that I will come up
with the winning combination before my opponent. Deviation from
the rules is an admission of weakness, and the weak will be dealt
with swiftly.
It appears that Mr. Abercrombie was a bit put off by my
appearance last week. I see his sophomoric demeanor has reared
its ugly head ... no surprise really. I suppose I could play your
childish games like an eight year old and perform witty
adjustments to your name ... let's see, 'Slug 'Mr Excrement'
Aberwannabe' how is that? Does that make me a better man? Do I
win, hmm??? Of course not. The better man is decided through
direct competition.
Mr. Abercrombie, you made some erroneous assertions that I feel
must be addressed, I do so hate ignorance ... which I why I
probably dislike you and your companion so much. *I* am not a
servant of any kind, you obviously are unfamiliar with the higher
strata of civilized society, receiving your education from
prime-time television or {gasp} public school. There is nothing
wrong with those who choose a life as a gentleman's gentleman,
for it is honest and respected work. I, however, do not require
assistance, I depend solely upon my own abilities ... unlike you
and your 'sidekick.'
Secondly, my appearance and physical condition are no concern of
yours. Not that there is anything wrong with the fact that an
attractive male physique means a great deal to you, I am in no
position to comment on whatever preferences you prescribe to. And
yes, I cannot deliver textbook dropkicks like you have
demonstrated. I believe you stated that I could not even raise my
leg to kick higher than knee level ... {sigh} ... let me put this
in schoolboy, locker room vernacular so you and your associate
can understand it: When you are unconscious on the mat, that is
all the height I'll need to kick your ass!
=================================================================
{The camera cuts to show Rod Allen in the ring.}
[Rod Allen]
Ladies and gentlemen, our next bout is set for one fall, with a
time limit of fifteen minutes ... introducing first, from the
borough of Manhattan in New York City, New York ... weighing in
at two-hundred and ninety-two pounds ... accompanied to the ring
by "The Billion Dollar Babe" Melissa Wright ... D ... A ...
BOOOOOOOOOKTHROWER!!!
>>AISLE<<
{"My Own Prison" by Creed begins to play as D.A. and Melissa
walk down to the ring, showered all the way with boos from the
crowd.}
[Allen]: And his opponent tonight ... from the city of
Dublin, Ireland ... weighing in at two-hundred and
thirty-five pounds ... accompanied to the ring by his
manager, /Miranda/ Wright ... DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNYYYYYY
BOOOYYY MCGILL!!!
{The crowd explodes into cheers as the opening bars of
"Tubthumper" by Chumbawumba accompanies Danny and Miranda to
the ring.}
[Rod Allen]
Your referee for this match is Tom Newman.
{The two lock into a collar-elbow tieup. Bookthrower gets the
advantage, and throws a hard kick to the gut; McGill falls down,
but only to take D.A. with him in a drop toehold.}
[Heather]: D.A. immediately using the brawling shortcut
-- but Danny Boy comes back with a nice technical
counter!
{He moves to a half-nelson; D.A. escapes, and McGill DDTs him
before he can stand straight. Both men get to their feet; Danny
Boy whips D.A. to the ropes, and dropkicks him when he rebounds.
McGill sinks to one knee as D.A. gets back to his feet, and
pulls him down with a fireman's carry. He picks up D.A. and whips
him into the ropes, charging to the opposite side; D.A. ducks
under a clothesline, but gets hit with a dropkick on the second
pass.}
[Heather]: Danny Boy McGill showing the wealth of his
entire family's wrestling experience, seamlessly
flowing between technique and agility ...
{D.A. pokes Danny Boy in the eyes before he can regain his
feet; standing up, he delivers a ribcrusher stomp, then picks up
Danny and whips him to the ropes, catching him with a backdrop
on the return.}
[Kyle]: And now he's seamlessly flowing in a little
puddle on the mat ...
{He scoops up McGill as Danny rises to his feet, to drop him on
his knee in a backbreaker, then follows up with a kneedrop to
the back. Both men get up, and D.A. whips Danny Boy to the ropes,
hiptossing him on the rebound; he picks up Danny and pushes him
into the corner, smashing his head onto the turnbuckle. He then
grabs Danny by the neck and chokeslams him.}
[Heather]: BRUTAL series of maneuvers from the D.A.!
[Stan]: Whereas I'm sure the flowery-soft moves are
just running a little slow tonight ...
{D.A. backs off, letting Danny Boy get to his feet, then charges
back in, but Danny ducks aside and lets Bookthrower hit the
turnbuckle; Bookthrower wards off McGill with a sharp kick as
he's closing in to grapple, and Danny Boy returns fire with a
roundhouse kick. D.A. smashes his head into the turnbuckle again,
then scoops him up for a backbreaker. When McGill gets back up,
D.A. tosses him through the ropes to the outside.}
[Kyle]: Court is adjourned -- let us proceed with the
sentencing!
{Melissa Wright distracts the referee, while D.A. gets his
briefcase; he goes to hit Danny Boy with it, but McGill cuts him
short with a thrust kick, then rolls him back in the ring.}
[Heather]: YES! Danny Boy fends him off, and we're
back to a MATCH!
[Kyle]: No need to rub it in.
{Danny Boy puts on an inside toehold. D.A. escapes the lock, and
stands up; McGill takes him down with a hurricarana.}
[Heather]: WOW! Danny Boy takes down D.A. with a
textbook rana!
{McGill picks up D.A., who nails him with a double axehandle;
D.A. attempts a powerbomb, but McGill rolls him into a small
package (for no count). McGill is on his feet first, and wraps
D.A. into another toehold. D.A. escapes; Danny Boy grabs his
head as he's getting up, and bulldogs him down. He then climbs
the corner, jumping off for a flying somersault splash. D.A.
gouges him in the eye on the mat, and picks him up, but McGill
sends him crashing down with a rana.}
[Heather]: D.A. with a cheapshot attack -- but McGill
fights back with another hurricarana!
{Danny Boy then slaps on the scorpion deathlock.}
[Heather]: And he puts on the McGill Leglock!
{Bookthrower escapes, and Danny Boy drags him up, throwing him to
the ropes; on the rebound, D.A. chops Danny Boy with a double
axehandle smash, but Danny Boy retorts with a hurricarana, and
wraps him into the scorpion deathlock again.}
[Stan]: I think maybe D.A.'s seen that leglock just
a bit too often for it to still be effective.
[Heather]: Another rana from McGill -- and back to the
McGill leglock! The D.A. had better prepare his final
summation!
{D.A. escapes, and Danny Boy climbs the corner, leaping off with
a moonsault.}
[Kyle]: Hey ... I think I'm seeing a pattern here ...
hurricaranas, acrobatic splashes ... call me crazy, but
I think you're looking at the NEXT North American
champion! JADE TIGER HAS BEEN TRAINING DANNY BOY!
[Heather]: That's -- oh, heck, all right: you ARE
crazy, Kyle!
{D.A. kicks out before the referee can make the count, and jabs
Danny in the eye, then stands up and powerbombs him, bridging
for a pin: 1 ... 2 ... Danny Boy manages to push out just in
time. D.A. keeps a hold of Danny Boy's legs, and twists around
into a Boston crab. Danny Boy escapes, but D.A. sits down and
slaps on a camel clutch.}
[Heather]: Bookthrower returning fire with a crushing
series of maneuvers ... and there's the Instrument of
Justice!!!
{Danny Boy grabs the ropes; D.A. lets him get to his feet, then
pulls him into a reverse DDT, hooking a leg for the pin: 1 ... 2
... Danny Boy kicks out. D.A. gets up and grabs Danny Boy as
he's rising, powerbombing him to the mat, then puts the camel
clutch back on.}
[Heather]: The referee is checking Danny Boy, who looks
COMPLETELY out of it ... he's signalling for the ring
bell -- I'm guessing he's throwing in the towel on
Danny Boy ...
{The referee starts pulling at D.A., who kicks him away.}
[Heather]: What the-- BOOKTHROWER WON'T LET HIM GO!
He's trying to permanently injure Danny Boy!
[Stan]: When is he ever NOT trying to injure Danny
Boy?
[Heather]: We've got more officials running down to
ringside ... but they're faring no better ... here
comes Felony Slade to help--and that seems to finally
do the trick, but Danny Boy's HURT ... he's barely
MOVING ...
[Rod Allen]
Ladies and gentlemen, referee Tom Newman has informed me that
Danny Boy McGill has been ruled unable to continue this match ...
therefore, the winner of this match ... D.A. BOOKTHROWER!
{The crowds boo loudly as D.A. backs his way out of the arena,
escorted by a number of stadium attendants, with a thoroughly
intense and unrepentant expression on his face.}
[Kyle]: Now THAT was a match worth watching ... and
speaking of watching, I see an interested -- and, not
to mention, interestING -- viewer down there ... hold
on, I'm going for a "man on the street" opinion ...
{Thumping sounds of headgear being removed.}
>>RINGSIDE<<
{The camera cuts to Kyle Esprit catching up with Jason Wrath,
sitting in a corner seat; he has on a white T-shirt, blue jeans,
a black leather jacket, and is sporting revo shades (the Lara
Croft sunglasses).}
[KE]
I can't believe it, I mean, I just can't believe it ... here I am
with the most intimidating man in the world today, Jason Wrath --
man, you've got me scared just standing here next to you. What's
on your mind, JW?
[HJW]
Just chill, Kyle. When I've got a journalist of your incredible
rep standing next to me, I can relax and not expect some stupid
ass, half wit comments to tick me off. But since you did ask,
I'm just here checking out the show. Bachman would face me here,
the Kid is still ducking me, and everyone else in the AWI is so
lame I figured what the hell, "Why even wrestle? Just watch the
show and have a good time". So I'm drinking a few Molson Ice
checking out the babes, and looking to see if there's anyone at
this show worth kicking around a bit.
[KE]
Well, I'd offer some suggestions, but ... well, maybe not with
so many witnesses. So, what are your plans for the immediate
future, JW? It's obvious to me no one in their right mind would
get in the ring with you, and that's gotta threaten your
livelihood, right?
[HJW]
{sighs} Yeah, I know. But that's what happens when you put a big
fish in a small pond. They all swim away.
[KE]
Don't I know it ... one quick question, JW, and I'll quit taking
up your time. I know you want to get seated for a main event
sometime soon. What's your take on the Mississipi Kid's comments
and his challenge for you to face him at Union III? Is that a
lucky break or WHAT?
[HJW]
{chuckles to himself} Yeah, right. Check this out, Kyle. If the
Inbred Firecracker wants a piece of me he can just sign the
dotted line. Yeah, you beat Bachman, but then you turn around and
lose to a prelim like Maurice Jackson. Yeah, I'm looking forward
to kicking your punk ass. Everybody knows that I'm going to run
Bachman out of the league, so until then, hick boy, just get in
line and wait for the "Hardliner" to show you a real champion ...
the hard way! Later Kyle, I'm outta here!
{With that Wrath turns and walks off thru the crowd, shoving the
people who don't move fast enough out of his way.}
>>PRESSBOX<<
[Heather]
How could anyone, even YOU, stand there and TOADY to that man
like that?
[Kyle]
{Returning and sitting down} HEY! I meant every word of that!
[Heather]
You CAN'T be serious ...
[Kyle]
Sure I am ... for $500 an hour, I'll sing "I'm a Little Teapot"
and mean every word of THAT, too.
[Stan]
Yeah, he's serious.
>>RING<<
[Rod Allen]
Ladies and gentlemen ... the MAIN EVENT of the night will be a
match set for one fall, to determine the Allied Wrestling
International WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ... this match has NO
TIME LIMIT -- there MUST BE A WINNER! Introducing first, from
the city of Toronto, Ontario in Canada, weighing in at two
hundred and eighty-two pounds ... the winner of the Spring
Stampede '97 ... KEEEEEEEEEN MISCHIEF!!!
{The crowd issues a flurry of boos as Ken makes his way to the
ring with a very determined expression.}
[Rod Allen]
And his opponent tonight ... from the city of Usa, Japan ...
he stands seven feet and one inch, and weighs in at three
hundred and eighty five pounds ...
>>AISLE<<
{The guitar chords that open the Faith No More cover of "War
Pigs" strike up with deafening volume, as the aisle entrance
is enveloped in obscuring steam ... colored spotlights from
behind shine through the mist, highlighting an immense shadow
within ... moments later, streams of pyrotechnics shower from
opposite sides of the aisle, forming an arch which the shadow
emerges from, revealing the monster of a man clad in black
pants, red boots and knee pads, and a thick black headband in
lieu of the usual mask.}
[Allen]
... he is the Iron Man of the AWI -- the "WAAAAAAAAAR MACHINE",
GREEEEEEEEEG GAAAAAAAAARRRDNEEEEEEEEERRR!!!
{The crowd goes crazy as Greg stalks his way down to the ring,
climbing up the stairs and stepping over the top rope.}
[Allen]
Your referee for this match is Curtis Keyes.
{Rod Allen steps out of the ring as Curtis squares them off.
Gardner opens by bodyslamming Mischief.}
[Heather]: And the War Machine opening with an
unmistakeable statement: HERE I AM!!!
{Gardner picks up Ken, who returns the favor, slamming Gardner
down.}
[Kyle]: And Ken Mischief with an equally obvious
response: "anything you can do, I can do better!"
{Ken picks up Greg, who hits him with a big boot kick to knock
him back, then rushes in with a forearm smash to knock Ken to
the mat.}
[Heather]: Greg POWERING Ken down to the mat!
{Greg picks Ken back up and whips him to the ropes, taking him
down with another big boot kick on the return. As Ken staggers
back to his feet, Gardner scoops him up for another slam. Gardner
picks him up and whips him to the ropes, bending down for a back
drop, but Ken grabs him by the head and spins him into a
neckbreaker.}
[Stan]: Greg, you telegraph'd that one so badly, AT&T
is asking for royalties.
{Ken drops to one knee, and applies a head vise; Gardner breaks
the lock, and Mischief stands up, kicking Greg in the back. He
drags Gardner to his feet and tries to whip him into the corner,
but Gardner whips him around to the corner instead. Greg grabs
him bouncing off the turnbuckle, and whips him into the ropes,
tossing him overhead in a back drop on the rebound. He closes in
as Ken stands, and Mischief clotheslines him, but Greg stays
standing.}
[Kyle]: {groan} Oh, here we go again -- Greg Gardner
and his Amazing Gravity Boots!
{The two stand off for a moment, then Gardner grabs Ken by the
neck and chokeslams him.}
[Heather]: Greg's calm beginning to wear -- that's a
pretty vicious maneuver for him, and Curtis is letting
him know it's not acceptable.
{The referee gives Greg a warning, and Ken rushes in to clotheline
him, but Greg catches him at the last second to throw into a
Northern lights suplex: 1 ... 2 ... Ken gets a shoulder up.}
[Heather]: Ken looking to capitalize, but Gardner's on
his toes -- AND THERE'S THE POWERPLEX! Gardner bridges
for the pin -- but Ken's out JUST in time!
[Kyle]: An awful lot of people have gotten out of that
move JUST in time, you know ... I think I'd give the
Olsen Twins even odds on a kickout.
{Both men get back to their feet, and Gardner picks Ken up from
behind by the waist, lifting him to shoulder height, then spins
him around while dropping to a sitting position and slamming him
to the mat.}
[Heather]: Gardner coming from behind, and lifting Ken
for an atomic dr-- no, he twists it into a variant
powerbomb!
[Stan]: Let's split the difference: "atomic bomb".
There, that's not so hard, is it?
[Heather]: Gardner leans in to make the pin ... ONE --
TWO -- THREE!!! Gardner got him!
[Kyle]: What?!? No! Look, Ken's got a foot on the
ropes!
{Ken does indeed, and the Curtis Keyes taps off Gardner. Gardner
pulls Ken up to his feet as he stands, then hoists him up to drop
into a fallaway slam.}
[Heather]: SEVEN FEET STRAIGHT DOWN!!! You KNOW Ken
Mischief is feeling that!
{Ken rakes him in the face as they're getting back to their feet,
then throws him into a belly to belly suplex.}
[Heather]: Cheapshot by Ken -- AMAZING!!! He throws
Gardner to the mat, close to FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS!!! Ken
drags a leg in for the pin -- you can SEE what that
took out of him ...
{Curtis makes the count: 1 ... Gardner throws him off. Ken picks
him back up and throws him into the corner. He closes in, and the
two struggle in the corner for a few moments, before Ken gets the
advantage with a DDT.}
[Heather]: Gardner is holding him off-- no, Ken with the
DDT!
[Stan]: It's not a big power move, but considering all
the punishment Gardner's thick mug has taken in the
past few years, I'm surprised that didn't draw blood ...
{He makes a cover: 1 ... Gardner kicks out. Both men get back to
their feet; Gardner grabs Ken, crosses his arms under his chest,
and powerbombs him from that position.}
[Heather]: Gardner with the advantage -- and ANOTHER
powerbomb variant!!! Gardner with a cover -- one ... two
... thr-- no, Ken kicks out ...
{Both men return to their feet, and Gardner grabs Ken from
behind, but Ken pokes him in the eyes, then whips him into the
ropes, catching him on the rebound with a tilt-a-whirl
backbreaker.}
[Heather]: Ken with a cheap shortcut to ward off Greg
-- into the ropes -- OH MY GOD!!! BIG TROUBLE!!! I
DON'T BELIEVE IT!!!
[Stan]: {low whistle}
{He falls on top exhaustedly for the cover: 1 ... 2 ... 3! Rod
Allen enters the ring as Ken Mischief gets back to his feet, the
recovering Gardner sliding out of the ring to stare in with a mix
of shock and disapproval.}
[Rod Allen]
Ladies and gentlemen ... the winner of this match ... and now the
World Heavyweight champion of Allied Wrestling International ...
{The boos already begin to start, as reality impinges on the
fans' idealism.}
[Allen]
KEEEEEEEEEN MISCHIEF!!!
{Ken takes the belt from the referee, and holds it overhead,
doing his best to appear as supremely confident as before the
match, instead of like a strong breeze would put him down for the
count. The video screen alternates dissolves between a repeat of
this image and Ken Mischief's "stallion head" logo.}
>>PRESSBOX<<
[Heather]
An one in a million finish from the self-proclaimed perfect
specimen, Ken Mischief -- who will walk out of the arena tonight
the one and only World Champion of the AWI ...
[Kyle]
JUST as he promised -- an hour ago, a week ago, a YEAR ago, and
when he first entered this league! Nostradamus couldn't have
given you a more accurate prediction: this isn't victory,
beautiful, IT'S DESTINY!!!
[Heather]
Folks, we're running short on time ... I'd like to thank all the
viewers watching tonight on pay-per-view television, the great
fans here in Montreal, and the courteous and efficient staff of
the Molsen Centre ... for Kyle Esprit, Stan Jurgens, and the rest
of Allied Wrestling International, this is Heather Rasputin,
signing off for INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT!!!
=================================================================
Copyright (c) 1998
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