Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pant.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

People today vacation in places you formerly got to only by being drafted or shipwrecked.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

I have several hobbies I enjoy to the fullest. I have a large sea shell collection I keep scattered on all the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it?

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

You know you're old if you can remember when radios plugged in and toothbrushes didn't.

A man ususally feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things : 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

If you have trouble going to sleep at night, lie at the edge of the bed... you'll soon drop off.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

If at first you don't succeed... well, so much for sky diving.

Ever notice that the Jolly Green Giant stands around laughing his head off while the little people do all the work canning vegetables?!

You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

My ship came in, but I was at the train station.

The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.

If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

The road to success is always under construction.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.

Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.

If your company is stupid enough to be run by a committee, be on that committee.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Come don't have film.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

He's not dead, he's electoencephalographically challenged.

Despite the cost of living, it remains popular.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

(donated by J. Lagowski)