Chapter 11

"Come on in," Harry said opened the door to his cabin.

Tom stood clutching the bag that B'Elanna had packed for him in the hall not moving.

"Come on buddy, you're letting the flies in," Harry chided cheerfully and put one arm around his shoulders and nudged him forward.

Tom nodded his head slightly and stepped through the door. "I'm sorry about this," he mumbled.

"Sorry about what? You can stay here anytime. You're my best friend."

"I am?" he replied.

"Of course you are. You can put your bag over there by the sofa and make yourself at home."

Tom took his bag and carefully placed down next to the sofa just where Harry had instructed him to.

Harry let Tom help him fix dinner that night. All the while though Harry regaled him with stories of their past tonight. The adventures they had gone on. Harry tried to keep in light. He didn't mention some of the more traumatic missions like the time they had been in the Chute those memories could wait for later much later.

Tom tried again, as he had with B'Elanna to remember -- to remember anything but nothing would come. It was so frustrating to be want something so desperately to be so close at times to touching it, but it just eluded you.

Harry seeing the strain on his friend's face decided that they should call it a night early after all he did have to report for duty on the bridge first thing in the morning.

"Tom, if you don't mind," Harry said with a genuine yawn, "I think I've told all the stories I can for one night and I have to go to work in the morning."

Tom nodded his head. He was tired too and really didn't want to listen to any more stories, no matter how interesting they were, about things he didn't remember. It just gave him a headache and he had a terrible one waging a war inside his skull right now.

"Where do you want to sleep, the bed or the couch?"

"You take the bed it is yours. I'll be happy to sleep on the couch." Tom said as he picked up the blanket that had been carefully folded up on the end of the sofa.

"Okay, if you're sure." Harry said and he pulled off his top.

"I'm sure. And thank you Harry, I really appreciate it."

"No problem. You get a good night's sleep."


The next morning Harry rose to see that Tom had not slept on the couch like he had told him he would the night before. There beside the couch the tall man lay on his side covered by the blanket his head resting on right arm. B'Elanna had warned him that he had been sleeping on the floor since he had returned to Voyager. The pilot was breathing rapidly and his head tossed and turned while his fingers of his left arm clutched tightly at the edge of the blanket.

"No . . . .no. . . ." he murmured. "Leave me alone . . ."

The young ensign kneeled down beside his friend. "Tom, wake up," Harry said firmly as he shook him awake.

Feeling the touch on his shoulder the blue eyes flew open and met Harry's dark concerned ones. *Where was he?* he wondered at first the he remembered he was in Harry's cabin.

"You must have been having one hell of a dream," Harry said trying to keep his tone light even though he was very concerned. "That's what you get by sleeping on the floor. What's the matter, my couch isn't good enough for you?" he joked.

" . . .too good," Tom said barely audibly, but to Harry he said: "I'm used to sleeping on the floor."

"Okay, wherever you're comfortable. It's no problem. All right?"

Tom nodded and rose to his feet and began to meticulously fold up the blanket and place it back where it had been the night before on the end of the sofa.

"I've got to go to work, Tom. So let's go down to the mess hall and get our breakfast. After that, you can go see the Doctor. He wants you to come by today. He wants to run some more tests on you."

"Okay."

"Okay? You're not going to complain about seeing the Doc?"

"Why should I?"

"Well it's just that you usually do."

"I don't like him?" Tom asked. He couldn't imagine not liking the Doctor, he had been very kind to him.

Harry realized that he couldn't kid with him the way he used to, at least not quite yet. "It's not that. It's just that you don't like being in Sickbay very much. That's all. But I don't think that the Doctor will keep you very long, then you can do as you please."

Tom looked puzzled. "What do you think I should do?" he asked.

Harry couldn't believe this was the same Tom that had shown him the ropes when he had first came on board. Now it seemed like the roles had been reversed.

"What do you want to do?" Harry asked.

"I don't know, I don't . . . well B'Elanna made me promise to see the boys," it was more of a question rather than a statement.

"That's a good idea. Do you know where Ensign Michaels' cabin is?" Tom shook is head no. "No, of course you don't. Well after you're done with the Doc you just tell him that's where you want to go and he'll make sure you get there. Okay?"

"All right."

Harry looked at Tom and he remembered a time when he felt alone and in need of a friend. He remembered back to the time when they had first met in Quark's on DS9 when Tom saved him from buying the colorful, shiny stones from the Ferengi. In fact on Harry's first birthday on Voyager, Tom had used what little replicator credits he had to replicate one of those stones so Harry would always remember how they first met. He had placed the little stone on a shelf by the viewport. He walked over to that shelf now and picked it up and turned it over in his hands. Tom watched his every move intently trying to figure out what he was doing.

Harry returned to Tom's side and extended his hand holding the stone. "Tom, I'd like to give this to you." He grabbed Tom's hand and dropped the stone in his palm.

"Why?"

"Well let's just say that someone gave it to me once when I really needed a friend, and now I'm returning the favor."

"Thanks." Tom turned the stone over in his hand and noticed the way it sparkled. He liked it.


Days passed. Harry told him more stories, some about him and others that were not, but still Tom showed little if any sign of remembering he just looked confused. Harry could tell that he was befuddled. It hurt him to see Tom in this condition. Gone was the self-confidence and charm, they had been replaced with uncertainty and fear. Maybe if he was lucky, Kim thought, he'd be able to help him eventually. But the question was: how? Maybe a trip to Sandrine's would be a good idea.

"Listen, buddy, I'm just going to clean up," Harry said pointing to the door to the bathroom. "Then we can get out of here. Maybe you'd like to go to Sandrine's?"

"Sandrine's?"

"Yes a holodeck program you created shortly after you came onboard Voyager. It's a French bar in Marseilles that you used to go to on Earth. I thought maybe it might enjoy it." *There Harry don't say it might help you remember. Don't force the issue. Keep it casual.* "We might even play some pool. Wouldn't you like that?"

Not really wanting to try another holodeck program, but not knowing how to politely refuse, Tom did what he did best lately -- he followed and did was he was told.

Harry with Tom following entered Sandrine's and immediately found an empty table at the back of the room.

"Well gentlemen, what will you have?" Sandrine asked as she approached the table her holographic eyes focused on the order pad she clutched in her left hand.

"Just the usual, Sandrine," Harry said.

The bar owner nodded, her subroutines recognized the voice, then she lifted her head to look at his companion to take his order. When she saw the pilot, she dropped her pad and hugged the bewildered man with great exuberance.

"Thomas, je suis tellement contente de te voir, cela fait si longtemps!" she gushed. "Que puis-je t'offrir, mon cheri?"

Tom eyes first focused on Harry across then table and then a glimpse of a memory, a mere flicker of something familiar passed through this brain. He could remember faces -- his friends -- they had told him on this ship they were his friends and himself standing around that green table off to the side, but as soon as the memory had appeared it vanished again.

He looked back up at the woman now composed and was now waiting pencil poised for an answer. "La meme chose qu'Harry," he said. There that sounded right but also strange. He understood what he had said, what it meant, but it was different. He looked confusedly at the young man seated opposite the table.

"It's okay, Tom. By the way what did you two say, I caught I couple of words but I didn't understand it all?"

"Um, basically that she hadn't seen me in a long time and she missed me. Then she asked me what I wanted and I told her that I'd have whatever you were having. But I don't understand how," he replied staring at the table.

Joy shown on Harry face. "That's a real good sign, a really good sign! You spoke French. You used to speak it every once in a while on board. Actually at one time when you were back on Earth, you once told me that you were quite fluent. Apparently, you have been able to retain that skill." Harry was very pleased. He grinned from ear to ear. Maybe coming to Sandrine's had been a good idea after all.

"Maybe. I hope so," Tom said, but he didn't sound convinced.

The two friends drank there beer and talk a little and Sandrine's got busier. Many members of the crew came by their table and greeted Tom. Many hadn't seen him since his return from the planet, but had heard that he had changed. They happily greeted the pilot and soon there were several people standing around their little table.

It was nice that all these people where happy to see him, but it was becoming too much. He didn't know these people.

Tom tried hard to remain calm but all these people who he didn't know were all around him, it felt like he was being suffocated. His breathing became rapid and he started to sweat. To try and cover his nervousness he reached for his glass but his hands shook so much the glass slipped from his grip and spilled its contents all over the table.

"I'm, I'm sorry . . ." Tom said looking wildly around the room half expecting the overseer to appear from nowhere to apply the appropriate punishment. But the only thing he saw were the people. They seemed to multiply right in front of his eyes and they all seemed to be staring at him. He had to get away. He had to get away now.

"I've g-got to g-go, Harry. C-can't stay," Tom stammered as he pushed himself away from the table. Before Harry could stop him he quickly headed for the door. So great was his haste he stumbled into a couple sitting by themselves. "S-s-sorry." he mumbled and ran for the door not noticing that his commbadge had fallen off in the tumble.

Harry rose to go after his friend but a pair of loving arms held him back.

"Let him go, Harry."

"But, Alera, he's my friend," her fiance protested.

"He's confused, Harry. Tom doesn't know which end is up."

"But. . ."

"Imagine how you would feel if all of a sudden you were forced to live with strangers and you couldn't leave? He needs to be alone. I doubt if he's been alone at all from the moment he came back to the ship."

"You can sense that?"

She nodded her head and pushed Harry back down to his seat. "Yes, I can sense that and more. People are telling him that he's home but he feels lost and alone. The only home he remembers, they treated him so badly he doesn't want to return to. You, and B'Elanna, have to give him some space. He's got to recover his memories on his own." the Betazoid said soothingly but her facial expression reflected the sympathy she felt for Tom Paris.

"I only wanted to help him," he said.

"I know and I think he knows too. Don't worry you haven't lost your friend, he just has to find his own way, in his own time.

"Do you think he ever will?"

"Honestly? I don't know, but I hope so," she said and she wrapped her arms around her lover and comforted him.


Tom sprinted down the corridor. He had to get away. Get away from them, from everything. He knew only one thing. He had to be alone. He had to think. Finally having reached the end of the hall, he found a quite alcove. He rested his forehead up against the wall, and tried to catch his breath. *What was the matter with me? Why can't I remember? Will I ever remember? Damn, I feel so useless. Damn, Damn, DAMN!!!* and he punched the wall in front of him punctuating each word with his right fist until he finally crumbled to the floor clutching his bloody knuckles to his chest. Tears came. They flowed down his cheeks in streams, tears that had been pent up inside him for weeks. Tears that finally caused him to hic-cup. Tears that exhausted him and he fell asleep curled up in the alcove.

Janeway and Chakotay having worked through the beta shift left her ready room shortly after the gamma shift reported or duty. As was customary, before heading back to their cabins, or to just one cabin, they took a walk around the ship. This night they walked softly down deck five. Taking advantage of the darkness of the halls and the time of day, occasionally they would discretely kiss each other. Finally having reached the forward section of the deck spotted an alcove. An alcove that would afford them some immediate privacy.

"Kathryn, in here," Chakotay whispered. He pulled her in after him. But she, noticing that the alcove was already occupied, pulled him back out to rejoin her in the corridor with one finger placed over his lips. "What?"

She pulled on his shoulders and turned him around. "Look," she said softly.

There on the deck they saw Tom Paris curled up in a fetal position sleeping.

"I thought he was staying with Harry?" her First Officer whispered.

"Me too. I'm going to go find out what happened. I want you to put a guard on the hall so he won't be disturbed until I find out more."

"A guard?"

"Well he's sleeping peacefully, I don't see the necessity of waking him yet. Let him sleep."

Chakotay nodded and the Captain left to find Harry.


Harry and Alera heard the annunciator alarm sound and quickly bade that the person enter. Harry hoped that it was Tom. Ever since Tom left Sandrine's he had been worried about him.

The Captain came into the cabin and Harry's face dropped. Not that he didn't like to see her but she wasn't the one that was lost. The Captain explained what she and the First Officer had found and Harry told her what had happened in Sandrine's, and Alera related to the Captain the feelings she was sensing from Tom and the advice she had given Harry.

"So this is how he feels?" Janeway asked.

"Yes and I can't exactly tell you why but he has to be left alone. He has to find his memories on his own. He has to be forced to make his own decisions. To decide for himself where he will go and what he must do.

"But he doesn't even had a commbadge on him. What if we need to speak with him, to find him?" Harry asked reflecting the Captain's own concerns.

"I'm sure that he'll be fine. But just in case I'll authorize you to keep a low level cellular scan running on him, just to make sure. And let me know immediately if you get any readings that are unusual.

"Aye, aye, Captain," Harry said.


Tom woke up very, very early in the morning. Upon hearing him stir, the two guard quietly slipped away as they had been ordered.

He looked down at his still bloody hand, he flexed it, and winced at the pain. He had to take care of this. He would to go to Sickbay and see that Doctor. The Doctor could help him. But where was he? And where was Sickbay?

In the wee hours of the morning with no one around to ask, it took several tries to find the exact floor and corridor but finally he found his way to Sickbay. He walked through the door and looked around. Sickbay was dark.

"Doctor?" Tom said.

The Doctor materialized behind him. "What seems to be the nature of this medical emergency? Tom spun around to face the Doctor. "Oh, Mr. Paris, what can I do for you."

"I . . . ah . . . need some help, Doctor." Tom said showing him his hand.

"Yes, I see," the EMH said. He reached for his ever-handy dermal regenerator and began to wave it over Tom's hand. "How did this happen?"

"I . . .I . . ."

"Well what happened?"

"Well, I punched a wall," Tom said, his head lowered in a soft voice. He waited to be reprimanded.

The Doctor's eyebrows raised in surprise and he smiled. "You did?"

"I'm sorry, Doctor."

"No problem Mr. Paris. I'll have this fixed in just a moment." The EMH hummed an aria to himself as the regenerator did its job. Maybe he was getting better, the EMH mused, he actually displayed some emotion. While the Doctor continued to work on the hand, Tom's mind drifted. He recalled a moment when he had sat by one of the biobeds and B'Elanna, he thought it was B'Elanna, lay on it. He somehow knew it was B'Elanna but it didn't quite look like her. There were no ridges on her forehead, it was smooth.

". . . Mr. Paris," the Doctor said. "Mr. Paris we are done you can leave now."

Tom came back to the present and looked quizzically at the Doctor. "B'Elanna, she was in Sickbay once. On this biobed?" he asked.

"Of course she was, a number of times. Why I can recall exactly twenty-nine separate occasions, everything ranging from a twisted ankle to . . ."

"But was there ever a time when she looked different?"

"Different?"

Tom looked confused and rubbed his forehead. "Umm . . . when she didn't have the . . . a. . . ridges?"

"Are you remembering something, Lieutenant?"

"Maybe...well did she?"

"Yes she did. It was an incident that happened during our first year of the Voyage. . ." The Doctor explained what had happened when B'Elanna had been split into two and how he had to reintegrate her Klingon DNA back into her system.

"And was I here with her? In Sickbay?"

The Doctor reviewed his memory banks. "Yes, you were. In fact, you wouldn't leave her side until the Captain had to order you to leave. You were very worried about her."

"I see."

"I think this is a good sign, Mr. Paris. You are starting to remember."

"I hope so, but it is still so intangible."

"It will come, just don't force it. Now is there anything else you need?"

"No, Doctor and thank you."

"You're welcome."

The EMH deactivated himself and Tom left sickbay. It was still early in the morning. What should he do? Where should he go? He didn't know. Other people had been making those decisions for him for a long time. Maybe he'd try and find the mess hall, after all he was pretty hungry, he didn't recall eating the night before just having a beer with Harry.

Tom took a right turn down the corridor and went in search of the mess hall and food. He transverses quite a bit of the ship and when he came across a door that was labeled Shuttlebay Two. He went inside, if felt natural.

Inside the Shuttlebay, several shuttles where lined up ranging in size from the largest to the smallest.

"Good morning, Lieutenant," Nelson, the on-duty officer, piped up upon seeing Paris. "Can I help you?"

Tom turned when the officer spoke. Being called Lieutenant still made him feel uncomfortable.

"Would you like to see one of the shuttles?"

Tom nodded. "Yes. Do you think I could?"

"Of course. How about the Chamberlain? It was always one of your favorites."

Tom followed the young ensign over to the shuttlecraft. Nelson opened the hatch and Tom peered in.

"Go on in," he suggested.

Tom looked at him and then climbed inside, Nelson followed.

Tom eyes took in every little detail, from the configuration of the seats to the panels that lined the sides of the craft, but what really caught his attention was the controls at the helm.

Seeing what he was interested in, Nelson spoke up. "Why don't you have a seat up front?" he asked.

"Is it all right?"

"Of course it is."

Tom eased himself down into the seat at the helm and lightly touched the controls with his fingertips. Nelson sat behind him quietly, hoping that this would help the Chief Pilot regain his memories. It was a crying shame that he couldn't remember how to fly, Nelson mused.

"What does this button do?" Tom asked the younger man.

Nelson grasped the opportunity. "What do you think it does?"

"Ummm . . . " Tom thought and from the depths of his mind came the answer. "It purges the exhaust manifold?"

Nelson grinned. "Yes. That's exactly what it does."

Tom smiled back. He was remembering.

Nelson decided to quiz him, and pointed to another button. "And this one, Tom. What does this one do?"

"It's the button you press to engage the force field?" he replied.

"Two for two. You're doing great!! How about one more? What's this one?" Nelson asked pointing to a large yellow button to the pilot's left.

Tom thought. Yellow button, yellow button. He shook his head. "I'm sorry, I don't know."

"Hey, that's okay Tom, you did just great!!" Nelson said slightly disappointed that he hadn't recognized the main control for the stabilizers.

Tom too seemed disappointed and angry with himself. "Can I come back again some time?"

"Any time. Any time at all. You just ask for Nelson, that's me, and I'll be glad to show you around. Maybe we could play Name-the-Buttons again. Okay?"

"Okay. Thank you. Ahh, Nelson?"

"Yes, Tom. What can I do for you?"

"Could you tell me how to get to the mess hall?"

"Sure no problem."


Tom could hear the clanging and clashing of metal on metal when he finally walked through the doors into the empty mess hall. He had been here before with B'Elanna and with Harry so he was somewhat familiar with the layout. Following the sound of the noise, he found the little man who ran the place sitting on the floor of his kitchen and his head inside a cupboard. Every once in a while his arm would fly out and a pot or pan would go sailing across the room. What was his name? Surely he had heard B'Elanna talk to him a few times and mention him by name? What was it? Nelox? Neelix? Yes, that was it. It was Neelix wasn't it?

"Umm, Neelix are you all right?" Tom asked wisely staying out of the way of the culinary projectiles.

"What, what was that?" the little Talaxian asked his head still inside the cupboard.

"I asked if you were all right?" Tom repeated.

Neelix pulled himself out of the cupboard and was surprised to see his ol' friend Tom Paris standing at the far end of his kitchen. How odd, he through, to see him here in his kitchen alone, especially at this time of night.

"Oh Tom, my friend! Yes I'm fine, I'm just looking for the green seed extractor. It's about this long," Neelix explained holding his hands about six inches apart. "I know I had it last week, but I just can't seem to find it. "

His tall friend looked around and spotted the seeder on a self above the stove. He reached up and brought it down. "Is this it?"

"By all of the Talaxian dragons. Yes it is. Thank you!! I can't make Jalenso porridge without it!"

Neelix started to pick up and pots and pans that he had thrown. Tom bent down and help him. Soon everything was back where it belonged.

"So Tom, why are you here?" Neelix asked.

"I didn't have anything to eat last night, and I was . . . ."

"You're hungry?" the Talaxian interrupted.

Tom nodded.

"Well let's see what we've got," Neelix said and opened to door to his pantry. "How about leola root stew? No. Not that. Um, I've got Goteans cheese souffle? No, that's not right either. I know I think I have just the thing in the back of the . . . .yes here it is. Just the thing." Neelix turned around proudly holding up two containers. "Peanut butter and grape jelly!"

"Really?"

"Really, Tom. I've been saving them just in case." Neelix got down some bread and slathered on the peanut butter and jelly onto it. "I believed you told me one time that this was comfort food. Neelix looked up at the bewildered pilot with a huge grin which faded slightly. "And I can't imagine anyone that needs more comforting than you right now. In fact, maybe I'll have one with you, I'll even replicate you some milk. Would you like some company?"

"Please."

Tom and the Talaxian sat down in the kitchen and ate. Tom recalled eating this food before. Sometime in the past he had told the little man that this was 'comfort food.' Yes, that described it quite well.

Tom watched Neelix eat, watching the way the man would painfully swallow the bites of the sandwich and grimaced at the milk he used to wash it down.

"You don't seem to like the food." Tom told him. "So why are you eating it?"

"You needed the company," he replied.

"The company. . . .A fool . . .needs . . .company," Tom said slowly, thoughtfully.

Neelix swallowed the next bite with difficulty. "You're not a fool, Tom." he argued.

"But you said that once? Didn't you?"

"Well maybe, I don't remember."

"But I do for a change. I remember you saying those words and the two of us crawling into some hole in the sand?" Tom shook his head. "That's crazy."

"No, it's not, Tom. That did happen. We crawled into a hole just like that on Ocampa. And I do believe that I told Kes something like that. That you needed company." Neelix smiled broadly. "Tom, you've remembered something. That's wonderful!!"

Tom had to admit that it was wonderful. It felt good to finally be remembering things.


The days that followed were remarkably the same. Sometimes he slept in one of the alcoves off one of the corridors on the ship. Other times he'd sleep in the mess hall with Neelix's blessing. In return he would help the Talaxian clean up and prepare the food. He made many more trips to the shuttlebay and visited with Nelson. And of course he made sure to stop by and see Kyle and Lucas almost everyday. He could tell that they looked forward to seeing him, and he had to admit that he enjoyed the visits as well. And he also saw B'Elanna as often as he could. He missed being with her terribly. But as much as he wanted to come back and be with her, he knew that now was not the time.

On to Part Eight
Paris, Voyager
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