A few thoughts on Connor...
by
Guinevere the Whyte

Connor's New York apartment is an analogy of the man's life itself. He is just a heartbeat away from the world, but there is an invisible barrier (the embankment of windows) between himself and it. Few are allowed inside, and it takes time to earn an invitation. Even then, most of the apartment contains only sparse hints of who the man really is. Only when you are allowed into the hidden places -- like the round room which houses his keepsakes -- can you see who he truly is. Only there is his past -- and his pain -- revealed.

I think Connor appeals most to those who have felt alienated from the world around them. Feeling different, feeling the need to hide those differences. So hurt by the everyday occurrences that they try to minimize them, and build an invisible wall around themselves to prevent these things from affecting them. Pretending they're *not* lonely, because it hurts too much to acknowledge the truth. Never quite able to divest themselves of their past pain enough to truly live in the present.

Been there. Done that. Which is probably why I empathize so much with Connor. I see him as a mirror sometimes....and sometimes I can see where he's wrong in his line of thinking, and can turn that around to see where I'm wrong too. And I myself have discovered that which is revealed in Connor when we hear him say "I'm not lonely" while looking like the loneliest person in the world: that without love, friendship and relationships, life is pretty empty.

Connor evokes my sympathies because, being able to see how he feels deep inside, I want to "make things right" for him. (Not that I could fill the space for him even if he was a real person -- I know myself too well, Connor's single-mindedness and stubbornness would drive me up a wall, and quick. If I'd ever even be able to get close to him in the first place. I'm not pushy enough to get his attention. *g*) I want to make him take off his blinders for just a moment and make him see what he's missing. Not only what he is denying himself in terms of human relations, but what he's denying others in terms of the gifts he can give -- the deep senses of caring and love that are useless without someone to give them to.

I think that's why I wrote the monumental fanfic I wrote (The Connor Continuum), trying to find a way to give Connor what I wanted for myself -- someone who could understand and deal with him. From being with Heather, Connor knows what he's missing. He knows the price he pays both for going without connections to others, and he knows the price he pays for being connected. If I could wish Connor one thing, it would be the peace of mind to be able to love again -- because despite the pain and the ups and downs, the joys are immeasurable.

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