2. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.

3. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.The lesson is, never try.

4. It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

5. Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how!

6. Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that...building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is.

7. Operator! Give me the number for 911!

8. Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Ummm... revenge?

9. Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you,but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

10. Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Ooo, that's bad. Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt! Homer: That's good! Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: That's good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate... Homer: (confused look) Old man: That's bad. Homer: Can I go now?

11. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

12. Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will!

13. Doh!