Letter Home to Pagan Parents from Elementary School Teacher
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,
I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't
take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a
very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.
Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the room with her
pencil in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her art class
is in an hour and to please refrain until then to do any drawing.
And speaking of art class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on
drawing little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground.
And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes
during a game of Ring Around the Rosés! By the way, what does "sky clad" mean?
Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside
during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to
share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or
hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up
and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waiving it in
front of me. I thought this a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's
Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the circle" to let
me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run
with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know
what an "athame" is, but I'm glad she keeps it at home.
As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday
while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johson and shaking my finger at him, he
started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me
Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger
at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones
incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.
One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to
bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt,
incense, and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.
One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were
discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto Others as you would have them Do
Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated that it was "Do As you Will,
but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads
aloud in class. I try to correct her on these matters and she got very angry.
She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.
In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher
conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to
see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried
about.
With deep concerns,
Mrs. Livingston
P.S. Blessed Be. I understand this is a greeting or closing from your country
that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.
Why keeping summoned beings as pets is a bad idea...
They may be cute and cuddly when they're little, but they tend to grow. Fast. To
something large.
You can't flush your overgrown summoned pet down the toilet and no pound will
take one. (Trust me on this one. )
Unless you spay or neuter them, they will breed, quickly.
Good luck trying to find a vet that will spay or neuter one...
The feeding costs are astronomical. New Age shops are very expensive. Oh, sorry,
I meant "astrological".
An exotic summoned pet is very difficult to feed. Museums start suspecting your
interests in ancient cultures rather quickly.
Getting them used to gourmet food is a bad idea: there aren't that many virgins
around, you see!
Cats sitting on the chest of a sleeping child sucking their life-force out may
be a myth. With summoned pets, it isn't.
No insurance will cover it if your summoned pet bites your guests.
They may even eat your guests while you pop into the kitchen for tea.
When they nibble your toes on Sunday morning, it does NOT feel nice. Besides,
you need those toes for proper balance.
Clipping their toenails to save your sofa from being torn into shreds is pretty
damn hard.
You think a pet stealing your stuff is bad? Summoned pets steal your stuff and
hide it to the astral plane!
Summoned pet dung is difficult to get rid of. They won't accept it at the toxic
waste plant anymore ...
Cat's hairballs are easy to clean away. Try dealing with astral slime puke.
They don't stay in their cage unless you remember to seal it magickally
properly. Every single time.
It also gets a bit tedious to keep that triangle of salt intact in the corner of
the living room.
A summoned pet possessing your grandmother is NO fun, I can tell you!
A summoned pet possessing your stereo system may be painful.
Having them play with your altar tools is not cute.
Having them play with your Book of Shadows is even less cute.
Smell of sulfur wafting in the apartment tends to deter Jehovah's Witnesses and
other pests, though... But it does make breathing labored in the long run.
Landlords tend to dislike the "things that go bump in the night" routine you
have going on in your flat.
Landlords will detest finding out that paying residents in your block are
disappearing as if by magick.
On the other hand, the police may become a tad too interested in the very same
phenomena.
It's not fun to have your pet deciding to "hump" your neighbor's dog in the
middle of your daily walk.
It's practically impossible to find new, caring homes for the resulting
Cerberoses, too.
While it may be cute to have a pet that actually does talk back to you, it's not
nice when they start throwing curses.
It may be nice to have a pet that can retrieve your e-mail along with regular
post, but it's NOT fun having them actually posting replies...
Advanced summoned pets may summon pets of their own. That means BIG trouble.
Last but not least: If you're not quite careful, you may one day wake up
realizing that it is in fact YOU who are the pet in this deal.
1.Ask them if they
are Satan worshippers.
2.Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.
3.Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to waste a good
candle!)
4.Pick up their gems for a closer look.
5.Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.
6.Witness to them about the "true religion".
7.Untie the knots in their cord.
8.Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.
9.Play card games with their Tarot cards.
10.Ask them again if they are Satan worshippers.
You insist that your boss call you "Rowan Starchild" because
otherwise you'd sue for religious harassment. (Score double for this if you
don't let that patronizing bastard call you "Mr. or Ms. Starchild.")
You've ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede.
You've ever cast a spell with twenty-sided dice.
You said it was bigotry when they didn't let you do that ritual in front of city hall. It had nothing to do with the skyclad bit.
You picketed The Craft and Hocus Pocus, but thought that the losers who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives.
You've ever publicly claimed to be an elf, alien, vampire, faerie, or demigod, and been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.
You've ever publicly claimed to be the reincarnation of Gardner, Merlin, Aleister Crowley, King Arthur, Cleopatra, Morgana Le Fay, or Jim Henson, and been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.
You've suddenly realized in the
middle of a ritual that you weren't playing D&D.
You've suddenly realized that you are playing D&D.
Your Book of Shadows is a rulebook for Vampire The Masquerade with notes in the margins.
You've ever effected an Irish or Scottish accent and insisted that it was real.
You talk to your invisible guardians in public. (Score double if you save places for them in crowded restaurants) (Score triple if you admit to having sex with them)
You've ever claimed to have met the Vampire Lestat or Dracula. (Score double if you got into a fight and escaped) (Score triple if it was no contest)
You own a ceremonial bong.
You've ever tried something you saw on Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
You've ever had to go along with someone's ludicrous story because it was twice as likely to be true than most of the crap you spout.
You expect your employer to exempt you from the random drug testing because of your religion.
You've won an argument by referencing Drawing Down the Moon, knowing damn good and well they haven't read it either.
You've ever referenced the Great Rite in a pick-up line.
Someone has had to point out to you that you do not enter a circle "in perfect love and perfect lust." (Score double if you argued the point.)
You claim to be a family tradition (hereditary), but you're not. (Score double if you had to tell people you were adopted to pull this off.)
You claim to be a descendant of one of the original Salem Witches. (Score to a lethal degree if you don't get this one.)
Someone once lost their boat delivering your ritual incense from Mexico.
You've ever used tongue delivering the fivefold kiss. (score double if you did it more than once.)
You've ever used reincarnation as the intro for a pick up line. (You may deduct this point if it worked.)
You think it's perfectly reasonable to insist that, since every tradition is different, and no one tradition is right, there's no reason not to do things your way.
You request Samhain, Beltaine, and Yule off and then bitch about working Christmas.
The thing that drew you to the Craft was the potential to dance with naked members of the opposite sex.
You strip in a club like the one in Porky's under your craft name, and consider it highly appropriate.
You've ever been psychically attacked by someone who conveniently held a coven position you crave, and suddenly had a glimpse into their mind so you could see how evil they were.
You've ever achieved position or influence in a coven by sleeping with half of it.
You claim yourself as a witch because how early you were trained by the wise and powerful such-and-such. Of whom nobody has heard.
You complain about how much the Native Americans copied from Eclectic Wiccan Rites.
You're not a hereditary witch but you have a good disposition to it because your ancestors (the ones before your German parents) were Native American or Irish.
You don't know the difference between Irish and Scottish, and you alternately claim to be both.
You think it's your Pagan Duty to support the IRA, not because of any political beliefs you might share, but because, damn it, they're IRISH.
You think the number of Wiccan books you own is far more important than the number you have read, regardless of the fact that most of your books are for beginners.
You hang out with people who each match at least fifteen of these traits.
You recognize many of these traits in yourself, but this test isn't about you. But, boy, it's right about those other folks.
How many Druid's does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) 501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.
How many Family traditionalists does
it take to change a light bulb?
(+) Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!
(+) Go ask your own grandmother!
How many Astrologers does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) "Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"
How many Pagans does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that light bulbs
never burned out before those Christians came along.
How many Gardernians does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) Sorry, that's a Third Degree secret.
(+) (In a low ominous tone) "Why do you want to know... initiate?"
How many Alexandrians does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) Dunno - we haven't looked it up in the Gardnerian Book Of Shadows yet. >
(+) 13. One High Priestess to change the bulb, and 12 to hold her up under all
that jewelry.
(+) "Let's go see how the Gardnerians do it!"
How many Brit Trad Wiccans does it
take to change a light bulb?
(+) 13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.
How many Dianic Lesbian Witches does
it take to...
(+) THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
How many Thelemites does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) 93.
(+) None - Thelemites embrace the dark as well as the light.
(+) None - real Thelemites aren't afraid of the dark.
How many Starhawk Witches does it
take to change a light bulb?
(+) (plaintively) "There are starving villages in Africa that don't even HAVE
light bulbs..."
How many solitary witches does it
take to change a light bulb?
(+) (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as
you wait for them to grasp the obvious)
How many Frost "School of Wicca"
Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
(+) "Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete
"Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you
can apply this to ANY light bulb ANY where! Listen to the testimony of a young
couple from Wisconsin who..."
How many Erisians does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) "How many have we got?"
How many Discordians does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
(+) Five Tons.
How many Wiccans does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
(+) Four. One for each direction.
How many members of IOT does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
(+) Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted.
How many Proteans does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) I can't tell you--we never change a light bulb the same way twice!
How many Buckland Witches does it
take to change a light bulb?
(+) "Refer to my second book, 'Practical Light Bulb Changing', by Raymond
Buckland..."
How many ADF druids does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) Six. One to change the bulb, one to write a song about how much better the
old bulb was, and four to write conflicting parodies of the second Druid's song.
How many Shamans does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) None. They just change shape into a cat or bat, and can see in the dark.
How many Tantrics does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) 2, as long as the lamp is by the bed...
How many Ceremonial Magicians does it
take to change a light bulb?
(+) One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them. (I know one of
these; it's true!)
(+) Only one, but he has to do it on the 3rd Friday of a month when the Moon is
in Taurus and it's the fifth planetary hour... and it's not funny
How many new-age's does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) (in a flaky voice) We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at
our quartz crystals and they glow.
How many Witches does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) Into what?
How many Aries does it take to change
a light bulb?
(+) Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.
How many Taurus does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) What, me move?
How many Gemini does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) II
How many Cancers does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) Only one, but he has to bring his mother.
How many Leos does it take to change
a light bulb?
(+) A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.
How many Virgos does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) Five. One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and
two engineers to check the work.
How many Libras does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.
How many Scorpios does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) None. They LIKE the dark.
How many Sagittarians does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.
How many Capricorns does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) The light's fine as it is.
How many Pisceans does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) What light bulb?
How many Aquarians does it take to
change a light bulb?
(+) Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?