Tuvok sat wearing his meditation robes and contemplated the remarks
he'd heard or overheard since it was obvious the crew members involved
did not know he was there. He was taking-of all people- Tom Paris's
advice to "write down a problem and it will seem clearer to explain".
Tuvok could only assume Mr.Paris had an encyclopedia of 'confusion'
in his possession. His 'problem' was not a problem to him; others
however think otherwise. It was obvious others had misinterpreted
his relationship with Captain Janeway. Tuvok took out his personal logs and started to write.
~ She is my friend, that is not the only category I would place
her in; yet that is the only one I can place her in. Not because
of Vulcan culture, but because only to us can our relationship be
easily explained. No one other than my mate T'Pel has been my friend
in every sense of the word. Friend, confident, companion; the only
thing she is not to me is lover.~
*If Vulcan's could smirk Tuvok would have done so now.*
~Lover she would never be. The captain has high standards and married
me would not even be considered.
Besides her love is reserved for another. Only being as close to
her as I am could I say this for fact, but her love his reserved
for her first officer. I however know also for fact she will never
allow for that fact to be known; not even to Chakotay.~
*Again if Vulcan's smirked...*
~Yet humans are emotional beings and eventually she will have no
choice but to acknowledge this truth, if only to herself. It is illogical
to feel emotions but this fact...desturbs me. My closest friend will
only come to emotional agony and this agony was proof that her affection
was no longer for him alone.~
*Tuvok sat back for a moment and read what he had written, realizing
how it would sound he continued to 'correct' any 'misunderstanding'
on his relationship with his captain. All Vulcan records were family
history and one day after his death, he knew his children would read
his private logs as was tradition.*
~It is illogical to be disturbed this way, and yet it must be acknowledged.
Even though she is my captain I have a strong affection for her as
a person that by human standards would be termed love. Yet this is
not the 'love' I share with T'Pel my mate. My affection for my captain
surrounds me as a fact, something I rarely have to acknowledge because
I know it is there. She is my best friend and yes I would die for
her but I have never wanted to be come her lover, her companion yes,
lover no. My love for Kathryn Janeway is Platonic.
My love for T'Pel is different, it consumes me; all of me. I constantly
think think of my love for T'Pel as a necessity. My love for my mate
burns my blood and scorches my flesh only to increase in its potency,
it's pleasurably secure pain; with every though I have of her. It
is more a necessity to my survival than than food or water. Not only
would I die for her,...I'd kill for-as illogical as it sounds.
Yes I love both women , both of them being my best friend. Kathryn
is my friend someone I must be around; T'Pel is my life,...my lover,
someone I must be one with.
And still I have conflicting thoughts however about my commander.
I would consider him my friend, accept at times were I must share
Kathryn's' affection with him because I know that affection causes
her anguish over a relationship that can never be.
I would...'confort' her in 'all' ways but neither she nor I could
condone the act. 'Those' feelings don't exist between us. She once
told me love is experienced in four ways, the strongest two being
'Agape-friend, sibling love' and 'Eros-an alconsuming passionate
love'. My love for T'Pel is 'Eros', my affection for Kathryn is 'Agape';
just as I know for fact that Kathryn's' affection for me is 'Agape'
and her affection for Chakotay even if she pretends it is Agape, it is 'Eros'.~
*Tuvok re-read his writings and nodded slightly. His love for both
of his best friends was accurately explained. These writings would be
read and analyzed by his children and their children after them.
Maybe to be deemed knowledgeable, maybe deemed illogical...he would
never know. But to him it was factual and truthful.
Tuvok put aside his journal and removed his robes to prepare to bed*
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