Buffy Summers Journal

July 20, 2003

Devils Tower, Wyoming

Went to Mt. Rushmore, then we drove over to Wyoming. We've been going around all the historical sites battles and stuff) for the last two weeks. Two nights ago we came here, and had our first demon fight of the whole trip. I woke up yesterday (morning after the fight) sick as a dog, wonder why they say dog, why not cat or something?.) vomiting even after everything was gone I still had "dry heaves". Haven't thrown up like that since Spike and I had that night where we drank ourselves silly.

Xander took me to the hospital. No demon infection, well unless you can call getting knocked up by the man you love, who just happened to be a recently souled vampire, a demon infection. I'm pregnant. About two months along now.

I feel so mixed up about this. I'm happy- a baby! I'm going to have a baby! I never thought I would. And Spike being the daddy makes my heart do the dance of joy. But I'm really sad too. It's a last gift from him, a very precious, amazing one. How did it happen? The amulet? Had to have been. Did it make him like he was human again? I thought he felt warm that night...

But he's not here to see my joy or share it. I'm scared too- me a mom? How good was I being a surrogate >mom to Dawn? I sucked. I'm terrified of being a bad mother. And going it alone? That really scares me. I wouldn'tlet anyone take my child from me though, I feel so protective of it. No one better ever hurt her? him? orI'll kick their ass! I wouldn't give up this chance to be a parent for anything though (except...if it meant Spike would be here with his arms around me every night, and even that would be a heartbreaking choice, I know what Spike would say: "Forget me pet, take care of our child, love it, tell it about me, all the good stuff I hope... nah tell it everything, no fake sweet story, but how I went from your mortal enemy to the man that loves you more than his unlife, more than anything in the world. Tell it I'd love it with the same fierceness you do." I can hear him say those words almost as if he were here.

July 25, 2003

Grand Canyon

It's beautiful here.I called Dawn last night and finally told her the whole story (leaving out the intimate details)of what happened between Spike and me, both last year and this year. Her first reaction was what I was afraid of. She screamed at me called me a heinous bitch, and other even uglier things, then slammed down phone. Two hours later she called back. This time we really talked about it. She was still mad, but at least her white hot hatred of me had cooled.

The first thing she said when she called back was, "I'm still really mad at you and don't know if I can forgive you, for hurting him last year. And then me this year, because you held all this back. It didn't give me the chance I could have to have forgiven him for hurting you. We could have been friends again, he could have been like my big brother again. You took that from me. But I don't hate you." That's when I told her about the baby. I said I'd just found out. I'm a bit uneasy about Giles finding out about it. I don't want him getting curious and treating me like I'm some lab rat, or going into a prophesy research frenzy.If there's some prophesy around it I don't want to know. I want this baby to have as normal a life as possible. I know with me being a Slayer and it probably being some strange human/demon mix thats kind of lessened the chances for a normal life, but I'm going to try. I guess it's time to face my ties with the past so I can move on to do that. There's confronting (scratch that) facing Angel, and telling him I care for him but don't love him. Not like I loved Spike. And now I'm going to have a different life. I have new responsibilities and I want to do things right this time. (Should I tell him about the baby? I'm leaning toward no, it's none of his business. Just mine and the people who have been there for me all along.)

Speaking of that, I haven't written about how Xander reacted when the doctor told me the news. I'm still giggling at his first reaction. His mouth dropped open and he made these weird noises first, "Guh, er, uh, baby? Buffy's having a baby? Who, how, when? Wait I don't want to know all that, not the gory detail anyways .But who Buffy?"

When I told him it was Spike, Xander amazingly didn't even register disgust for a second. His eyes went wide and he just said "Wow" Then he looked confused and said "How?" again.

I giggled and said, "The usual way."

He shook his head, "No I didn't mean how that way, but how, he's a vampire and they can't make kids way.

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Don't know. All I know is that I am."

He hugged me then and said, "Congratulations."

Today he offered to, "be the kid's Uncle Xander. Take him to ballgames, you know that kind of stuff."

I giggled, "Even if it's a girl and she doesn't like sports?" We teased backand forth like that for a while. It felt kind of comforting. Xander knows I couldn't ever love him, not in the way I've loved Angel, Spike or even Riley, but as a friend and almost like a brother, yeah. It makes me happy that he's happier now too at the prospect of being a surrogate uncle. Even when I tod him it could be half demon he just shrugged and grinned, "You know me, Mr. Demon magnet, hey at least this one won't be trying to kill me. Uncle to a half demon kid is fine by me."

August 3, 2003

Arizona/California border

Tomorrow we hit LA. I'm stressing so much about it it's made my morning sickness all day sickness and I'm weepy. I've been a bit bitchy. I've apologized twenty times today for snapping at Xander. It was stuff that normally I wouldn't have been bothered in the least about but today everything bothers me. Xander isn't going to Angel's office with me. He still hates the guy with a fiery passion. He's never forgiven him for killing Ms Calendar and hurting me. (And "other stuff")

I called Angel once, the day after the battle. Giles had decided to go to Europe to find the new Slayers there and bring them back here to train, or rather all of us to train. I decided to go along because I was in shock then and just followed blindly whatever didn't sound too freaky. I just told Angel I was going to Europe and why. I didn't tell him I'd be coming back. I told him what happened in Sunnydale, and lost it when I told him what had happened to Spike. Then I hung up, I knew if I had stayed on a second longer I would have started screaming, at him, about what happened, blamed him, maybe even told Angel I hated him. I'm calmer now. I know it wasn't his fault. Angel even offered to wear the amulet himself. This is going to be so hard. Not really looking forward to finding and confronting deadbeat dad either, but I need to.

Dawn called tonight. We talked about the baby. She wants to come join me whenever and wherever I settle. She's looking forward to being an aunt. I don't feel the overwhelmed thing so much now with both Xander and Dawn wanting to be family to the baby. I'm not alone in this. I just wish Spike could be here for it too.