If

If...

Christina
November 1998

TPTB will probably never allow any of the characters to behave in such a manner. This is also what happens when I read two related depressing-end-of-J/C-stories in one day. I had to retaliate by writing another sappy story.


B'Elanna sat down across from Chakotay and stared at him for several seconds before shaking her head.

"What?" He asked when he put down his cup.

She laughed. "I was just wondering."

"B'Elanna..." His voice was slightly threatening--but his eyes were definitely teasing.

"It's nothing. Really, nothing." She bit back the urge to smile and tried to look serious.

His eyes narrowed as he glared at her. "Spill it, Lieutenant."

"If you insist. Rumor has it that you and a certain member of the crew have been seeing an awful lot of each other these past two weeks." She leaned across the table. "So, what gives?"

"I'm not seeing anyone. You should know better than to listen to rumors."

"Chakotay. You've been seen entering her quarters late at night and leaving them early in the morning. That's more than enough to feed rumors on this ship."

He frowned. "The Captain? We've been working on crew evaluations and looking at the system upgrade plans you sent to us--remember those?"

She smiled. "Is that what it's called these days." She let her voice drip with innuendo.

"B'Elanna, there is nothing between Kath-Captain Janeway and myself."

"Why?" This was exactly where she wanted the conversation to go.

"Why what?"

"Why are you two not involved. And don't tell me about Starfleet protocols. You do love her..." She hesitated slightly. "Don't you?"

"B'Elanna..." He sounded exasperated.

"You've never told her? She shook her head then looked up at the ceiling in frustration.

"If I loved her--I would not tell her just because you seem to think I should." She snorted at his words, but didn't interrupt. "It's none of your God-damn business anyway." He stood abruptly and stormed out of the mess-hall.

"Well, well." She waved at Tom who practically ran over to join her.

"You riled him up good."

"I did. More than I expected."

"What did you say to him?"

"We were just talking..." She smiled at Tom. "But I have a meeting to go to. Janeway has some questions about the system upgrade."

"Don't be too long...Neelix loaned me his portable stove. I've raided the pantry and airponics."

"Nineteen-hundred hours. I won't forget." She enjoyed watching him squirm as she leaned over and told him exactly what she wanted for dessert.

#
#

B'Elanna sat down after making her final comment to Janeway. She reached for her glass of water. "Well?" She asked before taking a sip.

"It looks promising, it really does. But it is risky."

B'Elanna nodded. "I understand the risks--but the upgrade will free memory and increase speed significantly. With Seven's help it has several Borg safeguards incorporated."

Janeway glanced quickly at the PADD and nodded. "It's a good plan. It's just that while we are ugrading and testing it, we are vulnerable."

"We would need to find a safe place to hide while we conduct the upgrade."

"Three days. That's a long time to stay hidden. Commander Chakotay have been discussing our options, and we agree that the upgrade is worth continuing with...We just don't know about a hiding place."

B'Elanna nodded. Back in the Alpha-Quadrant, the three days without weapons or sensors wouldn't be a problem--this was the kind of project undertaken at a space-dock, not in the middle of no where.

"We can take systems off-line on a rotating basis, keeping environmental systems on-line at all times. It would be better if we could land someplace."

Janeway nodded. "Uninhabited class-M planets have been few and far-between. And it seems that most of the Delta-Quadrant is inhabited by hostile aliens. Continue to work on this--but look into a gradual upgrade, one that doesn't involve taking down most of the systems at once."

"Very good, Captain." She hesitated slightly.

"Is there something else, Lieutenant?"

B'Elanna nodded and almost smiled. "I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but I think it's about time you and Chakotay...well" Now she smiled. The look on the Captain's face was great.

"What??? What are you talking about?"

"The fact that you two have finally started seeing each other."

"Lieutenant," Janeway stood. "There is nothing between Chakotay and myself. Nothing."

B'Elanna just nodded, letting her expression carry her disbelief. "I understand completely." She then winked. "You've been working on reports. It's a good excuse."

"Lieutenant, you are dismissed." There was no mistaking the angry tone.

"Yes, Captain." She stood smartly and marched out of the ready-room. Now to see what the two would do--and hopefully this time they wouldn't blow it.

#
#

Kathryn jumped when her doorchimes rang. She'd known he was coming by. Originally the plan was to discuss Torres's plan over dinner. But after that conversation earlier, she had almost contacted him several times to cancel. It never ceased to amaze her how quickly rumors began on Voyager. She'd known that she and Chakotay had been the subject of many of those rumors--but recently she'd hoped that they'd managed to stifle those rumors for good.

"I guess not," she said when the chime rang again. "Come in!"

"Good evening, Captain." He stood formally in the open door.

She nodded in greeting, surprised by his demeanor--then realized he'd probably heard the same rumor. "Commander." She tossed him a PADD. "Lieutenant Torres had some interesting things to say..." She noticed him stiffen at the mention of B'Elanna's name.

"So I heard," he muttered. "I'll take this back to my quarters. I'll see you in the morning, Captain." He turned and left before she could say anything. She sighed, and returned to her replicator. She had programmed in a large salad and dessert for them...Now she wasn't hungry.

She stared at the empty table. Their dinners had become something she'd looked forward to. She enjoyed his company...Deep down she knew it was more, but...

She grabbed her PADD and sat down. She read exactly three paragraphs before she angrily thumped it down on the table. "Damn. Damn the rumors...Damn protocol..."

#

Chakotay was still fuming when he found himself rereading the same two paragraphs. He didn't know who he was angrier with--himself for still caring, or the crew and their blasted rumors. He considered running one of Tom's Klingon exercise programs on the holodeck. He growled; Tom was probably involved in this somehow. The pilot had his hand in many of Voyager's rumors and plots.

He was in no mood to talk to anyone and ignored his doorchime until it rang three times. He snarled at it to open.

"Kathryn...Captain." He stood quickly. "Is there a problem?"

"No...no problem. I..."

"Can I get you something?" He moved to the replicator. "Coffee?"

"No, no..." She clasped and unclasped her hands and didn't look at him.

"What's wrong?" He asked quietly.

"I..." She looked up at him. "I wondered why you didn't stay for dinner?"

He shrugged. "I decided it wasn't a good idea...The crew is talking..."

"I heard. I thought we'd put that behind us. Considering recent, well events, I figured the crew would realize that there isn't...wasn't...couldn't...be anything between us."

"I think they realize more than we suppose...I mean that...oh never mind."

"Mind what, Commander?" Her voice carried a distinctive command in it.

"For over four years we've avoided certain subjects. I think the crew is smarter than us--they haven't avoided those subjects."

He saw a brief flare of anger in her eyes, before she smiled sadly. "If our situation were different..."

"It's always if, isn't it Kathryn? Unfortunately it isn't different. We are here, there is no if this, if that. Don't we deserve a chance at a life--even if it is in the Delta-Quadrant."

"If only..." She turned toward the door.

"If only what? If only the crew approves? If only Tuvok approves? If I loved you? Is that it?"

She didn't turn back but she stopped. "Do you?" She asked hesitantly.

"Love you?" He smiled. "With all my heart." He wanted to ask her the same question--but was afraid to.

"I do love you, you know." She turned to face him. "We never ate dinner."

"I know." He smiled at her--she wasn't running. "What now?"

"Dinner...We talk some more. We take this slowly--I've never dated a member of my crew before..."

"I've never dated a senior officer. But I would like to kiss mine, right now." Her eyes opened wide. "A quick kiss." He promised himself as he leaned over to kiss her to not get carried away. It was difficult, because he could feel both of them respond to the brief contact.

She took a deep breath. "That was nice." She smiled at him. "Did the warp engines explode?"

He laughed. "No. What is for dinner?" He moved away from her quickly.

"My rations. I had planned on salad and dessert...Chocolate mousse." She added quickly. "I didn't bring my PADD."

"That's all right. We can share." He wondered what had happened. They'd just gone from being friends to being in love and were now discussing the system upgrade. He shook his head. Someday he might figure out--someday soon, he hoped.


If I Loved You
Carousel (1945)
Richard Rogers and Oscar Hammerstein II


If I loved you,
Time and again I would try to say
All I'd want you to know.
If I loved you,
Words wouldn't come in an easy way,
Round in circles I go.
Longing to tell you but afraid and shy,
I'd let my golden chances pass me by.
Soon you'll leave me,
Of you will go into the mist of day.
Never never to know...
How I loved you,
If I loved you.


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