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SALDAEAN [SETTING: Ishamael's office as Acting CEO of the Darkfriends, in the absence of the Chairman of the Board, Mister Great Lord of the Dark himself! (His friends call him "Great Lord" for short). Or at least, this is the T'A'R manifestation of that office, since Ishy is still bound in the flesh for the time being.] [Ishy is reading a letter from one of his Myrddraal servants.] ISHY: "Dear Ba'alzamon, Whoever You Really Are! A catastrophe of frightening proportions has occurred! My laundress at the Greater Northeastern Blight Laundry Company has RUN OUT OF STARCH! Without lots of starch to make our distinctive black capes hang down along our backs, stiff as a board and thus NEVER flexing when the wind blows all around us, we will lose a vital part of our cherished mystique, our foreboding reputation, our . . . our IMAGE! Please assist us as soon as possible. Yours, Jekkanodh." ISHAMAEL: Crybaby! Why, in MY day, you never saw a Myrddraal bothering us with a silly thing like that! I'll just tell him that if he NEEDS starch, he'll have to find a way to go out and STEAL some! Now, when is that Saldaean going to get here? [The Maradon Station Chief enters the room. Although he's wearing a token mask to keep other Darkfriends out in the reception area from getting a GOOD look at his face, I'll admit that he has black hair, a full beard, and tilted green eyes. His nose, under the mask, is probably hawkish, near as we can tell.] ISHAMAEL: Hello, lackey! Tell me, how goes the Great Work in Saldaea? SALDAEAN: Great Lord, I have the honor to report that Saldaean women are still firmly convinced that a man doesn't really love and respect and a woman unless he shouts at her as he orders her around! ISHAMAEL [grinning from ear to ear]: Amazing the things some people will fall for . . . SALDAEAN: And if a woman thinks a man is mistreating her (failing to yell loud enough, for example) she simply sulks and waits for him to come to his senses. On the other hand, she may try to bully him in order to see if he's such a weakling that he will do as she says instead of bullying right back and asserting himself like a real man should! ISHAMAEL: In either case, she does all this WITHOUT giving him any hints as to what behavioral changes he is supposed to make if he really cares about her? SALDAEAN: Absolutely! I'm not CERTAIN, but I think mothers all teach their daughters this litany: "I would sooner DIE than shame myself by discussing marital problems with my husband? Does he think I'm so WEAK that I can't cope with the trouble he's causing, except by begging him to stop causing it? This I vow: I WILL DIE BEFORE I SPONTANEOUSLY DISCUSS MY FEELINGS WITH HIM!" ISHAMAEL: Oh, so they just expect the man to read their minds, figure out that they are upset, figure out why, figure out how he can fix it, and fix it, and all this time he is supposed to remain aware of whether or not the woman still loves him, since she probably never discusses THAT with him either? SALDAEAN: That's the general idea. Of course, we Darkfriend males have a head start in that department - once we get married or otherwise develop a close relationship with a woman, we don't really CARE if she "loves" us or not! We just bark orders at her, REFUSE to let her bully us into anything, and get prompt obedience and the comfort of living with a woman who is CONVINCED that every day our actions speak louder than words in proving how much we love and respect her! ISHAMAEL [shaking his head in wonder]: I swear, you guys have got it made! I've spent the past three millennia conducting these little social experiments to see how many crazy ideas I could get any particular culture to accept as gospel truth - a different mix in each culture, of course - but from the male standpoint, Saldaea just about takes the prize! SALDAEAN [curiously]: By the way, Great Lord, did you also have something to do with forward our farmgirls are? I've never understood how all that got started, yet now it's proverbial! ISHAMAEL [winking]: THAT would be telling! But if you assume that it all fits into my master plan, you won't be far wrong . . . by the way, how are the female Darkfriends bearing up under these rules? SALDAEAN: Oh, they manage to keep themselves busy! It is commonly agreed that spying on friends and enemies alike is the woman's role in a marriage, so they have the PERFECT cover story for their activities! ISHAMAEL: Obligatory and socially acceptable "friendly" spying on one's own neighbors, liege lords, etc. - and they aren't even expected to keep secret the fact that they are doing it! If only I could have gotten that attitude instilled in other places (besides Cairhien - they take it for granted as a national pastime in that neck of the woods, even more than the Saldaeans do!). Ah well, it's better than nothing! The more people spy on each other, the more they involved in their own little power games instead of presenting a united front to all comers! Why, I had managed to get Saldaea so broken up into isolated self-centered communities this way that until the current Queen's reign, there were portions of the nation which hadn't even seen a taxman from Maradon in at least 15 years! They all fought Trollocs when they had to, but otherwise the nation was slowly disintegrating around the edges! [Rubs his hands together] Well, we'll deal with Tenobia if she becomes too much of a nuisance. As I understand it, she has such lofty expectations of any potential mate that it would just about require a male Forsaken, with hundreds of years of education and experience and the ability to use channeling (Compulsion, and so forth) to appear to be meeting her standards for mental and physical ability! Perhaps I'll suggest as much to one of my comrades when they finally get loose from the Bore again. Or maybe not . . [He shakes his head suddenly]. That will be all, Azak! On your way out, send in the Taraboner! [NOTE: I invented the name Azak, or more precisely I stole it from a vaguely Arabian character in another fantasy series by another author.] |