The story so far: Our Stag Party consisting of Lan (duh!), Rand, Mat, Perrin and Thom have gone to the waste with the mysterious Selene to find Rhuidean and get tattooed. But they got lost, and so decided to try the portal stone method of travel. Now they are stuck in a WOT musical, with only Fred "Solid as a steel blade yada yada" Saberhagen to guide them.... (is that ALL that's happened so far? I've really got to make this story move....)

The screams of the party managed to stir the so-far mainly-comatosed Mat......

Mat: Hey what's that (BLEEPING) noise?
Rand: (hands over ears) It's Semirhage Mat. She's singing!
Semi: [Theme tune to "Fame"] Pain! I'll make it last forever, your gonna learn how to cry, CRY!
Mat: Well do something, Rand!
Rand: I can't, I'm shielded.
Mat: You can't break through it?
Rand: No, it's solid!
Fred: Solid as a steel blade, and glowing...
Rand: Shut up Fred!
Semi: If I had a hammer...
Perrin: Someone save us!
Semi: ....I'd hammer in the morning...
Thom: Actually, this would be better in high chant.
Semi: .....I'd hammer in the evening.... (walks over to Lan)
Semi: .....All over this Lan!
Lan: AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

[Just then, a poodle falls from the sky, knocking Semi unconcious.]

Selene: Thanks, DarkHound.
DarkHound: (booming voice from the sky) S'alright. I had to put an end to this nonsense somehow - I've run out of songs. The airstrike poodle is a favourite technique of mine.
Selene: Rand, use the portal stone! It bought us here, it can take us away!
Rand: I dunno if I can...
Selene: Just grip the shaft firmly in both hands and think of me....
Mat: (snicker)
Rand: Shut it. (grabs portal stone) Wait...something's happening....

Flicker, Flicker, Flicker, Flicker, Flicker, Flicker...

Lan: We're back!
Perrin: And look over there! A city!
Rand: It's Rhuidean!
Mat: Waddawe waiting for? Lets hit the town! (runs towards Rhuidean) LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS! MAT "LURVE MACHINE" CAUTHON'S IN TOWN !!
Rand: Oh no. Well, come on let's follow him before he gets into too much trouble.

[They catch Mat up in the Rhuidean square.]

Perrin: What is THAT? (points to a series of glass columns)
Rand: That's it! That's the tattoo machine!
Lan: Wow!
Thom: A feat of amazing architecture and engineering.
Perrin: Look at the size of that thing.
Selene: Mmmm. An incredible erection....
Mat: (snicker) A long, hard, shiny....
Rand: MAT!
Mat: Alright, Alright! She started it (points at Selene, who arches an eyebrow)
Fred: Solid as a steel....
EVERYONE: Shut Up Fred!
Lan: Can we find a bar, first? It's my Stag Party, and all I've had is one drink, for (BLEEP)'s sake.
Rand: I think there's an Inn called the Taveren's Tavern just down near the river.
Perrin: Well, lets go then.

[Just as they set off, Lan suddenly stops dead with a wide eyed expression]

Lan: (turns to his friends) She's back!
Rand: Who?
Lan: Moiraine!

[Just then out of the shadows comes Moiraine at full sprint]

Moraine: YOOOOOUUUU BIIIIIITTTTTCCCHHH !!!!!!!

[She slams into Selene and bundles her through the twisty red doorframe]

Lan: No, she's gone again. (shrugs)
Mat: I thought you couldn't enter the door twice?
Thom: (pointing at the sky) Yeah, but Darkhounds bending the rules for the sake of comedy.
Rand: (under his breath) You call this comedy?

[Suddenly Rand is struck by lightning]

Rand: Ha! That's the best you can do is it?

[Suddenly Rand is struck on the head by a poodle that falls from the sky]

Rand: Oooh, very big of you!

[Suddenly Rand is struck by the futility of existence]

Rand: No, still not scared.

[Suddenly Darkhound decides to alter the ending that originally read "Rand gets to sleep with Selene" to "Rand gets to sleep with Verin"]

Rand: (pauses) All right, I'm sorry. It is funny.

[Just then, a party of three young Aielmen enter the scene.]

Aiel#1: Stwangers! In holy Wuidean! You are all in tho much twubble!
Aiel#2: He's right! hallibutt, Just to be found here in Rhuidean, skate, without the permission of a wise one, cod, is death!, shrimp.
Aiel#3: And der.. der... don't think that because Der..Der..Darkhound has dee... dee... decided to resort to fer... fer.. feeble jokes about sper... sper... speech impediments, that he's rer.... rer... run out of material, either!
Perrin: You realise that you're speaking to the Caracarn?
Aiel#1: The Cawacarn?
Perrin: No, the Caracarn. (turns to camera) Sorry about that joke.
Aiel#2: You expect us, haddock, to believe, hake, that this tattooed wetlander, octopus, is the Caracarn?
Aiel#3: Cer... Cer... Caracarn, Shmer... Schmer.... Schmaracarn!
Rand: I don't think we've got time for this. (rolls up sleeves and shows his dragons) There! Now do you believe us?

[The three Aielmen look at each other, roll up their own sleeves, and reveal identical dragon tattooos on their own arms]

Rand: (looks back at the Crystal Column Ter'Angreal) Oh, I don't (BLEEP)ing believe this ...
Aiel#1: We don't think that you (points at Rand) are the weal Cawacarn. We think it ith ... (pauses) ... YOU! (points at Mat)
Mat: What? Don't be a complete (BLEEP). I am NOT the Caracarn. (folds arms and looks affronted)
Aiel#2: Only the true Caracarn, prawn, would deny that he was the Caracarn, eel.
Mat: What chance does that give me? Alright I am your (BLEEP)ing Caracarn!
Aiel#1: (points in triumph at Mat) He ITH the Cawacarn!
Aiel#2: He IS, dolphin, the Caracarn! whale
Aiel#3: Her...Her..He IS the Cer... Cer... Caracarn!

[Suddenly Aiels#2 and #3 grab Rand]

Aiel#1: We will execute this twubble-maker for imperthonating the Cawacarn!
Mat: Look, if I'm Caracarn, you have to obey me, right?
Aiel#1: I thuppose so.
Mat: Then I order you to release Rand immediately.

[Thom, who has been knuckling his mustache all through, turns away, but his shoulders are shaking]

Aiel#1: Vewy well. (turns to Aiels#2 and #3) Welease Wand!

[Thom's now laying on the floor, slapping his fists in the sand]
Rand: This ain't funny, Thom.
Thom: (in a voice that sounds like crying) No, haah, no you're wight Wand! Oh... a... Heheheh... It's vewy wong! Mmmmm... It's ... It's ... TEWIBBLE! MwaHAHHAH! OH! Aha hehehe. (rolls about kicking his heels)
Lan: (also hiding a smile) I just hope they don't want to know who the Cowamoor is!

To be continued...

Raina's Hold / Raina's Library / Other People's Humour / Lan's Stag Party