From 0029982@gps.gp.k12.mi.us Thu Dec 12 11:18:03 1996
Well, you all asked for it so I delivered.
Just keep writing it and keep up *your* end of the bargain, 'kay?;)
Kris "Beast" Abel
Warning: humor inside may cause pains in ones sides. Be warned.;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You were acting like it was the end of the world."
-U2
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~Mistress of Shadows~
~Keeper of the Hovel~
~The Verjik Sorceress~
~The Beast of Creation~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Member of: DDTeens, XF-Fanfic, Fictalk, The Unholy
Trinity, Lone Gunwomen - Frohi, Underground Games
Club, and the Domi legacy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'VE GOT A SIG AND I AIN'T AFRAID TO USE IT!
From 0029982@gps.gp.k12.mi.us Thu Dec 12 11:18:02 1996
All right, I *know* that there is a conspiracy out there. Why? Because I
wrote this itty bitty humor piece about two weeks ago and am finding myself
now writing the third part to a series of itty bitty humor pieces. But, hey!
Imagining Mulder in a speedo anyday is *hardly* considered work...;)
Disclaimer: Yadda, yadda, snore, *yawn*. Translation: THe X-Files belong to
the eccentric C.Carter, his snoozed 1013, and the bedeviled FOX Network. May
they realize some day soon just how valuable us fans really are.
Summary: The showers are not always a good place to practice your vocal
chords. 'Nuff said. Rated R for some sexual/swearing thingys.
Category: H, V, R
Dedicated to the G.P. South annual assasins tournament. So far, I'm tied for
first with two kills and a maim. Can't get any better than that.;)
"Names 3: The Shower"
by Kris "Beast" Abel
0029982@gps.gp.k12.mi.us
FBI Headquarters
December 14th, 1996
2:30 pm
It was too much. His brain couldn't take this much longer. The woman he
loved was beyond reach and he had been embarrassed again today by the man
who had claimed her - spilling yellow juice all over the front of his
*white* pants right before a meeting with the head of forensics. Damn Mulder!
Agent Pendrell thought to himself. He *deserved* what he got at the Academy
last week! Looking down at his splattered pants, Pendrell decided it was time
for a shower before he smelled like orange juice for the rest of the day.
Not to mention the risk of contaminating samples in the lab.
Muttering angrily one hundred and one ways to make an eunuch of Mulder,
Pendrell stalked down the stairs to the gym level of the FBI Headquarters.
Taking a sharp left, he headed straight for the lockers and the showers they
housed. Going to his locker, Pendrell stripped and wrapped a towel for modesty
around his waist before padding over to the shower stalls. Opening the first
one, he ducked inside and turned the water on warm. Ahhhh....he could almost
forgive Mulder in this state right now....well, then again, maybe not.
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
The Basement Office
2:33 PM
"Mulder! You smell! Go. Take. A. Shower." Agent Dana Scully said to her
crumpled partner. On the way back from lunch today, he had met with an
unfortunate accident involving a bike and a dog. Number one had nearly run
him over, splatering mud all over him, and sending him reeling into number
two's well....number two. Bravely, he had walked though the FBI halls, hoping
for some sympathy from his female, but had gotten a harpy instead.
"But Scull-leeee! Those are *COMMUNAL* showers up there! EWWW!" He
whined, protesting with his puppy dog look turned on high. But the icicles
in her eyes remained and he realized he had lost yet again.
"I can't jump yer bones if you smell," she growled as she stalked back
to her desk. After the swimming pool scene last week, she had been short
tempered with him lately. He had two choices here: leave and kiss up or
save his pride and be mad. The choice was easy.
"Bitch," he muttered as he shut the door.
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
The Showers
2:38 PM
Grabbing a towel, Mulder was whistling as he stepped into the showers.
He was so sure that that last retort of his had surely set his partner
spinning. He may not have won the battle, but he sure as hell won the hill.
"Hello, Mulder," a voice growled at him from a few feet over. Glancing
up, he found himself face to face with Skinner; looking mighty ticked as
ever.
"S-sir," he stuttered; still shocked at what he had done last week. It
wasn't everyday that half the Academy saw you frenching your boss after all.
Skinner glared testily at him before moving on. Breathing a sigh of relief,
Mulder walked on into the showers and picked a vacant stall three down from
the door.
As the hot water eased the tension in his body, Mulder thought that maybe
Scully *had* been right after all. A chance to relax was precisely what he
needed right now. He was almost tempted to break into sing, but, with the
intercom systems still not quite fixed, he decided agaisnt it. With his luck,
he would propably be seen streaking through the halls of the FBI building
with a knife-weilding Skinner on his ass.
But not *on* his ass.
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
The Basement Office
2:45 pm
What a pig! What a macho, conceited, stinkin' pig! Scully fumed as she
paced the cement floor. What did she see in him anyways? The ass, the eyes,
the mouth, the hair, the abs, the legs...okay, so he was *nice* to look at.
More like terrific or amazing, she thought sourly. But, to call me a witch
as he leaves?! *THAT* calls for some form of payback in my book. My little
*black* book that is. Grinning, she decided that it might not be such a bad
idea for her to shower herself.
And, if she happened to be showering next to Mulder...Well, let's just
say that there are *many* tricks you can play in *that* game, she chuckled.
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
The Showers,
2:45 pm
Finishing with rinsing himself, Pendrell found that he was reluctant to
leave this warm, quiet sanctuary just. Standing under the spray, he decided
that it wouldn't offend anyone if he sang a bit. With his heart bursting with
undying love for his Dana, Pendrell took in a deep gulp of air and let his
heart lead him as he sang a song of devotion to the fiery beauty.
It might have sounded better had he been lead by his singing talent. As
it was, a creaky, nasal rendition of "Earth Angel" leapt from his lips as he
sang with all the energy he had. Given the fact that he hadn't had sex in,
oh, ten years certainly helped him with this.
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
The Showers
2:45 pm
Mulder was just getting into the act of cleansing himself, when a squeaky,
nasal voice from the stall three showers down shattered his ear drums. He
winced at the terrible rendition of "Earth Angel" being spewed out at full
volume into the echoing, perfect-for-singing shower room. It made him want
to shoot the guy singing just to put him out of his misery. After all, this
guy was even worse than *him*. And that was a lot to live up to.
Mulder was glad he was almost done so that he could return to the office,
kiss up to Scully, then go have sex at her place. Hey, life couldn't be
better.
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
The Showers
2:47 pm
Amazed at the potency of her idea, Scully ran down the flights of stairs
as quickly as she could in three-inch heels. When she reached the gym, she
ducked her head into the men's locker room, but didn't see any men in sight.
>From the shower room, she dimly heard a bad rendition of "Earth Angel" being
sung. Mulder, she grinned predatorily and walked behind a row of lockers to
strip.
Wrapping a towel about her, she tiptoed with panther-like stealth to the
first shower stall where the noise was coming from. Checking to be sure no
one was around, she prepared to give Mulder the scare of his life.
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
The Showers
2:47 pm
"EEEEARRTTHHH ANNNNGGGGGELLL
Earth angel
please me mine!" Pendrell wailed over the hiss of the shower. It had
gotten to the point where his eyes were closed as he thought of his love. On
its own, one hand had wandered to his nether regions and had begun to touch
himself as he imagined she would. Standing with his back to the shower
curtain, he began to jack off in earnest. So occupied was he with this, that
he didn't her the slight giggle right outside the curtain.
Suddenly, he felt a chill draft of air hit him as the curtain was
wrenched open. Turning in a daze, he saw a *naked* Dana launch herself
forward at him in a tackle. Reactively, he braced her against him as she
wrapped her legs around him. With a scream, she looked him in the face and
tried to get away. In the process, the aroused section of Pendrell slipped
inside her as she squirmed.
Shrieking, Scully tried to get away from her unwanted lover, but he was
so far gone that he believed that this itself was apart of his fantasy.
Holding her close, he continued his rthymn even as footsteps walked toward
the stall....
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
The Janitor's Office
2:46 pm
"You sure you got it fixed?" Skinner said with an icy glare to the head
janitor. The wrinkled, smaller man nodded with a gulp. "Good, then let's try
it out. Hmm...switch it to the men's locker room next to the gym. The last
practice session was hours ago and it should be empty by now."
"Yes, sir," Fred answered and turned on the system. It hummed as the
generators started up. Flicking a switch, he tuned the channel to the
shower room. Screeching singing filled the room and the A.D. covered his
ears in pain.
"SHUT IT OFF!" He hollered at Fred. Fred tried to turn it off, but the
switch came off in his hands. A puff of black smoke clouded the room as the
damn thing frizzled out yet again - causing the showers' intercom to penetrate
all aspects of FBI daily life.
From the hallowed halls of the shooting range, to the tour sections, to
the offices, the labs, to the office of the Director himself, the terrible
singing persisted. It was then that the screaming began...
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
The Showers
2:48 pm
Hearing the screaming, Mulder turned off his shower and wrapped a towel
around his waist before bolting to the first stall where the screams
originated. Looking at the floor of the shower, he saw Agent Pendrell having
sex with a struggling...Scully?!?!
"Dana?!" He said dazedly. She looked up sharply from underneath
Pendrell and scowled. "How???"
"I thought he was you - the singing matched," she grunted, pushing at
her lovers' shoulders. "I leaped on to him while he was jacking off. He
thinks he's living out a fantasy in his head right now," she cried. "Get him
off and out of me!" She wailed.
And Mulder did just that. Taking up the still heaving Pendrell and
rolling him off of Scully. He pulled his partner to her feet right as
footsteps came clattering down the hallway. Quickly, he pulled his partner
away from the showers and into the lockers. He grabbed his and her clothes
before diving into the storage room. They dried off and changed as quickly
as possible. Wringing her hair out, Scully joined her partner in the rear
of the gathering crowd of agents around the shower room.
The crowd parted and an exhausted, delirious Pendrell came staggering
out from the center of it all. He was held on either arm by Skinner and the
head janitor, Fred. He gaped as he saw Scully, fully clothed, near the end
of the line. Mumbling something intelligible, he allowed himself to be jerked
forward.
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
Next Day
A.D. Skinner's Office
11:30 am
Fishing out a letter from the top of his "in" box, Skinner settled in
for his post-lunch paperwork block. Opening it, he read the contents of the
enclosed letter.
To Assistant Director Walter S. Skinner
From Agent Danny Pendrell
I am resigning from the Bureau as of today. For reasons that are
stated in the sexual harassment suit I am filing against fellow agent, Dana
Scully. Please except this in view of my sanity.
Sincerely,
Danny Pendrell
Taking the envelope, Skinner stamped an approved onto it before setting
it in his "out" box. It was the least he could do for the man - not only was
he found sprawled, naked, jacking off in the showers, but his cries of love
had been broadcast across the entire wideband intercom of the building.
Still, what a way to go.
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
Well, whaddya think? Three strikes and I'm out? Should I continue this
twisted humor trip or let it lie low? I only write these as long as I get
feedback on them.
Does that sound like blackmail or what?;)
All replies to 0029982@gps.gp.k12.mi.us
I know it's a long addy, but, hey! I guarantee I'll respond ASAP.
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
"A girl's best friend is *chocolate* - not *diamonds*!"
(
geocities.com/area51/vault) (
geocities.com/area51)