As the dawn of the Twenty-First Century approaches, Americans are faced with a dire concern: To kiss, or not to kiss. Most citizens are offended when they see another person’s hand in their partner’s (Hopefully partner’s) pocket. Some people are not capable of reaching into their partners pocket for a number of reasons. Their hands may be full, too big, or already otherwise occupied (Yes, it counts if their hand is already in their own pocket). French-Kissing (Otherwise known as Tonsil-Hockey) is also rampant, especially at school campuses everywhere in the USA. The worst case scenario is that sex behind the 300 Building would become rampant, or that sex on the beach would no longer include the towel on top (or, if in a hurry, the towel on bottom).

The proposal comes down to this: P.D.A. (Public Display of Affection) is not as bad as it seems. To counteract the problem people have with this so-called ‘affliction of the sex-crazed people’ of the planet, the Gurus have devised a solution. Allow us to conduct research into the people of a certain school. To protect the innocent, the name of this school has been changed to Sommerville Intermediate High School, Grigg Campus. Of those studied, 75% (approximated, though it may have been more. Many, many, many, many more.) have agreed that a logical solution is to construct a school-sanctioned private area of space no smaller than forty yards by one hundred yards (about the size of a football field). Smaller areas of space will be provided inside, capable of holding no more than three people, a love chair, and Coke machine. This should be adequate space for any two to three people, and their fun. Cool Whip and other such condiments can be supplied at extra charge. Connected to the larger room will be a hallway leading to smaller, private rooms equipped with various pleasure devices, and home video equipment for those that feel it necessary. Entrance to the private domiciles will be supervised. For two dollars entrance to the room, and two condoms will be provided. All rooms will be monitored with hidden surveillance to ensure the safety (and perversion of those watching) of the occupants. The tapes will be used only in a court of law and for other various purposes (blackmail included). Another solution brought to the attention of the Gurus is to repeal the statutory rape law, thereby making the courting of females of lesser age appropriate in public (like in Henry VIII’s time).

The factors previously brought to attention will help in various ways and/or situations. The dispensing of condoms will help reduce the amount of teen pregnancy, due to the fact that male teenagers are too friggin’ cheap to buy a single condom, even if for the safety of them and their partner, no matter the preference. Females with female partners need not concern themselves with the dispensing condoms at the door. If they are truly concerned, they may ask for the female equivalent provided at the front counter before asking for the room. If necessary, males and females with no counterparts may enter the video room with a private monitor and curtain for a small fee of ten dollars for their own pleasure (and after the session, their own risk). There will be a list of people currently engaged in P.D.A. for the perverts’ enjoyment. The people spied on will be told afterward who spied on them so they can possibly provide the spy a relief from this mortal coil. This in turn will reduce the number of people at overcrowded schools, thereby opening certain classes for the less lucky. The school will not prosecute the people who caused the dead and dying to be placed in their current state because the perverts are entering at their own risk, and with a new law currently being considered by the Supreme Court, peeping will become a federal offense, now punishable by death. All proceeds from the school sanctioned activities will go to the school, thereby allowing better computers and other efforts to improve the school. The use of condoms will teach the young ones of the nation that using condoms (learning how to use them at an early age) can keep them alive much longer without risk than when not using condoms. With a new school already being built, the addition of this room and the adjoining rooms can simply be added for a low price made up quite efficiently upon completion and appropriation of the rooms. After all, the most expensive part will be the surveillance which will also be provided with the new school.

Granted, some people may be offended by this proposal, but few will find it worse than what is already occurring. A.I.D.S. and other S.T.D.s (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) will possibly increase due to the increase in sexual activities among all ages. This is unlikely as the use of condoms and other such forms of protection will be increased as well, not to mention that cures for specific S.T.D.s are on the way. Teen pregnancy could also increase for the same reason as stated before, but this too will be hampered with the increased use of protection. Also, the females should become more aware that they are in control of their bodies, and should take care how often they deal with their boyfriends. Let no person simply dismiss this proposal unless they want this happening in front of them. The proposition we, the Gurus, have shown to you is to decrease the amount of affection shown in public, therefore, dismissal means that people are willing to put up with it. (Teehee,. found a paradox.)

Basically, people of the world are sick of P.D.A. A proposal of this nature may seem to declare that sex should go on at all times, and with all people, but it should only say that it should not have to go on in front of everyone, and their mother. This proposal may seem to benefit all, but their are some it cannot. I take myself as an example, as I am a senior this year, and my (hopeful) graduation will mean that I will no longer be a part of this school, and therefore unable to take part. Pity, because I have lots of dollars.

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