Originally written by Bill Lawrence
JOEY: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.
ROSS: She barely knows me. We just live in the same building.
CHANDLER: Any contact?
ROSS: She lent me an egg once.
JOEY: You're in!
ROSS: Aw, right.
HER: Hi, Ross.
ROSS: Hey. [stutters something incoherent]
CHANDLER: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The
Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian--I don't think we
need a third...
JOEY: Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in the shell? Thanks.
ROSS: An egg?
JOEY: Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back,
I'm returning your egg."
CHANDLER: I think it's winning.
ROSS: I think it's insane.
CHANDLER: She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend.
[Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.]
JOEY: Think it'll work?
CHANDLER: No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.
MONICA: You can not do this.
RACHEL: Do what, do what?
MONICA: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.
RACHEL: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped the guy?
PHOEBE: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!
MONICA: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the
year. I know I do.
RACHEL: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?
JOEY: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes.
CHANDLER: Oh, uh, listen, about tonight...
JOEY: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only reason she's
goin' out with me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend.
CHANDLER: Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a--
JOEY: Pathetic mess? I know, but--come on, man, she's needy, she's
vulnerable. I'm thinkin', cha-ching! [Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He picks it up and eats it.] Thanks. Look, you have not been
out with a woman since Janice. You're doin' this.
ROSS: Hi. She said yes.
CHANDLER: Yes! Way to go, man! [Chandler and Ross hug. Something crunches in Ross' shirt pocket.] Still got the egg, huh?
[Scene: A restaurant. Joey and Chandler are there, waiting for their dates to show up.]
JOEY: [Looking at himself in the reflection on a knife] How do I look?
CHANDLER: Oh, uh, I... don't... care. [Joey's date shows up] Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get
the pretty one, I get the mess.
LORRAINE: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought. Very nice.
CHANDLER: ...And what did you bring?
LORRAINE: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab
smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of
red for Janice.
CHANDLER: Janice?
[Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.' Janice enters.]
JANICE: Oh.... my.... God.
CHANDLER: [angrily] Hey, it's Janice.
[Scene: The bathroom at the restaurant. Chandler and Joey are talking.]
CHANDLER: Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' out the window.
JOEY: No, no, no, don't! I've been waitin' for like, forever to go out
with Lorraine. Just calm down.
CHANDLER: Calm down? Calm down? You
set me up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the last five months!
JOEY: [at the urinal] Can you stop yellin'? You're makin' me nervous, and I can't go
when I'm nervous.
CHANDLER: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. [gets up right behind Joey and yells in his ear] Come on, do it, do it,
go, come on!!!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. The girls are all there, discussing their bad luck with men.]
RACHEL: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete
Carney.
MONICA: Which one was Pete Carney?
RACHEL: Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy who used to cry every time
we had sex. [imitating] "Was it good for you?"
MONICA: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over
Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. [imitating] "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for
two months--I didn't get to win once.
RACHEL: How did we end up with these jerks? We're good people!
MONICA: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda magnets.
PHOEBE: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.
MONICA: There's more beer, right?
PHOEBE: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that
if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing
ritual.
RACHEL: Phoebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.
PHOEBE: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's
Valentine's Day. It's perfect.
MONICA: Ok, well, what kind of ritual?
PHOEBE: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.
RACHEL: Or?
PHOEBE: Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.
MONICA: Burning's good.
RACHEL: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.
[Scene: The restaurant. Joey, Lorraine, Chandler, and Janice are at the table. Joey and Lorraine are seated very close, Chandler and Janice have backed their chairs away from one another.]
LORRAINE: You know, ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up
quarters with my toes.
JOEY: Good for you. [jumps suddenly] Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?
JANICE: By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all my pictures. So if
you want, I have a bag with just your heads.
CHANDLER: That's OK.
JANICE: Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make
little puppets out of them, and you could use them in your theater of
cruelty.
[Lorraine whispers into Joey's ear.]
JOEY: [to Lorraine] We can't do that.
CHANDLER: [disgusted] What? What can't you do?
JOEY: Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over there?
[CHandler and Joey leave the table.]
JOEY: Uh, we might be
leaving now.
CHANDLER: Tell me it's "you and me" we.
JOEY: She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it
off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be a
part of it.
CHANDLER: Ok, you can not do this to me.
JOEY: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right.
LORRAINE: [to waiter] Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please?
JOEY: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm
sorry, Chandler.
CHANDLER: I hope she throws up on you.
[Joey leaves with Lorraine. Chandler sits back down with Janice.]
CHANDLER: So...
JANICE: Just us.
CHANDLER: Oh, what a crappy night!
JANICE: Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh your shirt's been
stickin' outta your zipper ever since you came back from the bathroom.
CHANDLER: Excuse me. [gets up, jumps up and down while he zips his zipper up... other patrons look at him] How ya doin'?
JANICE: So, do we have the best friends or what?
CHANDLER: Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his
credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV?
JANICE: I will go for that drink.
CHANDLER: You got it. Good woman! [the waiter turns around, it's a man] Could we get a bottle of your most
overpriced champagne?
JANICE: Each.
CHANDLER: That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. [to Janice] I've always wanted
to know...
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom. Chandler wakes up, and finds someone else's hand
on his chest. He rolls over and is shocked to see Janice there.]
JANICE: Happy Valentine's Day!
JANICE: Oh, I miss you already. Can you believe this happened?
CHANDLER: No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice.
JANICE: Kiss me!
[Janice kisses him. Monica comes out for the newspaper.}
MONICA: Oh, Chandler, sorry.
[Janice turns around, Monica sees who it is.]
MONICA: Ohhh, Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice.
JANICE: Hi, Monica.
CHANDLER: Ok, well, this was very special.
MONICA: Rache, come see who's out here!
[Rachel comes out.]
RACHEL: Oh my god. Janice, hi!
CHANDLER: Janice is gonna go away now.
MONICA: I'll be right back.
[Joey enters from the stairs.]
RACHEL: Oh, Joey, look who it is.
JOEY: [in disbelief] Whoa.
CHANDLER: Oh, good, Joey's home now.
JANICE: This is so fun. This is like a reunion in the hall.
[Monica comes out with her cordless phone.]
MONICA: Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I want you to say hi to.
[to Chandler] He just happened to call.
JANICE: Hi, Ross. Yes, it's me. How did you know? [she laughs obnoxiously]
[Scene: A Chinese restaurant. Ross is there with his date.]
ROSS: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of
the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog
flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he
loses like a week and a half.
[Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a face like 'Why did I just say that?' Ross' ex-wife, Carol, and her lesbian lover, Susan, enter the restaurant. Ross
stares at them.]
KRISTIN: That's funny. Who are they?
ROSS: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her...
close, personal friend.
KRISTIN: You mean they're lovers.
ROSS: If you wanna put a label on it.
KRISTIN: Wow, uh, anything else I should know?
ROSS: Nope, nope, that's it.
[Carol takes off her jacket, her pregnant belly is exposed.]
ROSS: Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I
always forget that part. [to Carol and Susan] Helloo!
[Scene: Monica's apartment. The girls are holding their boyfriend bonfire.]
PHOEBE: Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine.
MONICA: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca.
PHOEBE: Um, that's ok! [throws it in fire] Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a
righteous man.
RACHEL: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing
the ritual in the first place.
MONICA: Can we just start throwing things in?
PHOEBE: Ok, yeah, ok. [she throws the directions in] Oh, OK.
RACHEL: [tossing things in the fire] Ok, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.
PHOEBE: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah.
MONICA: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked.
RACHEL: [looking at picture] Hey he's wearing a sweater.
MONICA: No.
RACHEL/PHOEBE: Eww!
RACHEL: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa.
MONICA: Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure--
[Rachel throws the alcohol in the fire. A burst of flames shoots up from it.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are there. Chandler is preparing to dump Janice again.]
CHANDLER: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day?
JOEY: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.
CHANDLER: Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.
[Janice enters.]
JANICE: Hello, funny Valentine.
CHANDLER: Hi, Just Janice.
JANICE: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all
over, and I'm gonna!
[Janice kisses Joey all over. Chandler smiles.]
JOEY: [to Chandler] If you don't do it, I will.
[Scene: The Chinese restaurant.]
ROSS: So, um, what do you do for a living?
KRISTIN: Well, um, for the past few years I've been working..[Ross is watching Carol and Susan, not listening to Kristin. Susan gets up, and has to go. Carol is left stranded]...which is
funny because, that wasn't even my major.
CAROL: Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you.
SUSAN: I thought they could...I'll try to get back as soon as I can.
I'm sorry.
[Ross realizes Kristin was expecting him to laugh, so he starts to laugh hysterically.]
ROSS: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I
invited Carol over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and
pregnant, and, and sad.
KRISTIN: [reluctantly] I guess.
ROSS: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us?
CAROL: Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.
ROSS: Come on. These people'll scooch down. You guys'll scooch, won't
you? Let's try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is
Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin. Uh, Carol teaches sixth grade. And,
Kristin, Kristin...[struggling]...does something that, funnily enough, wasn't even her
major!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Firemen are there to handle the bonfire that got out of control.]
FIREMAN 1: What do we got there?
FIREMAN 2: A piece of something: boxer shorts, greeting cards, and what
looks like a half-charred picture--Wow, that guy's hairier than the Chief!
MONICA: You know, it's a really funny story how this happened.
FIREMAN 3: It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to explain.
This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get out of control.
FIREMAN 1: You're our third call tonight.
RACHEL: Really?
FIREMAN 2: Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.
[Scene: Central Perk.]
JANICE: I brought you something.
CHANDLER: Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. [reading the candy] Chan and Jan Forever.
JANICE: I had them made special.
CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for
me to tell you this. At least there's no new way for me to tell you
this. I just don't things are gonna work out.
JANICE: That's fine.
CHANDLER: [surprised] It is?
JANICE: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end.
CHANDLER: Oh no, you see, actually it is.
JANICE: No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you know
it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing.
CHANDLER: Oh, no I don't.
JANICE: Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up
together? New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who
into whose bed?
CHANDLER: I did, but--
JANICE: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me
like a foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't
live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.
[She kisses him passionately,then leaves.]
CHANDLER: Call me!
[Scene: The Chinese restaurant. Ross and Carol are talking. Kristin is not there.]
CAROL: It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine.
ROSS: You did so. I swear, I swear--[noticing Kristin's absence] How long has she been in the bathroom?
CAROL: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone.
ROSS: Well maybe it's cold in there. Or maybe I screwed up the first
date I had in 9 years.
CAROL: That could be it.
ROSS: Oh, god. [He puts his head down on the grill] You know, this is still pretty hot. [He picks his head up, and a mushroom sticks to his head. Carol picks it off and eats it.]
CAROL: Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like this. Some women might
even stay through dinner. Sorry, that's not funny
ROSS: No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on with your life"
thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute
woman, and, and, and she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's
it. And um, and then I'm here talkin' to you, and, and it's easy, and
it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have to...You know, here's a wacky
thought. Um, what's say you and I give it another shot? No no no, I
know what you're gonna say, you're a lesbian. But what do you say we
just put that aside for now you know? Let's just stick a pin in it, ok?
Because, we're great together, you know. You can't deny it. Besides,
you're carrying my baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see, you
know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here. I love you.
[They kiss.]
CAROL: Oh, I love you too. But--
ROSS: No but, no but.
CAROL: You know that thing you put over here with the pin in it? It's
time to take the pin out. You'll find someone, I know you will. The
right woman is just waiting for you.
ROSS: That's easy for you to say, you found one already.
CAROL: All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set.
[A beautiful woman walks by Ross, he stares at her.]
CAROL: Not her.
FIREMAN 3: We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then?
RACHEL: So, um, will you bring the truck?
FIREMAN 3: I'll even let you ring the bell.
RACHEL: Oh, my god.
PHOEBE: See, there you go, the cleansing works!
MONICA: They're nice guys.
RACHEL: Oh, they're firemen guys.
[Scene: Out in the hall. The firemen are talking.]
FIREMAN 1: You guys tell them you were married?
FIREMAN 2: No way!
FIREMAN 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend doesn't know, I'm not gonna
tell them!
Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [mmatting@indiana.edu].
Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.
Introduction: This episode has something for everyone: We get to
see perennial fan favorite Janice in possibly her most triumphant role;
We get to see Ross being his typical self-conscious self on a date with
a gorgeous woman (leading me to remark more than once, 'That's me'),
and we get to see one of the funniest scenes in Friends history as
Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel conduct a ritual bonfire of their past
boyfriends' possessions. Ahhh, Rachel, if you only knew that a year from
now you'd be dating Ross...
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is eyeing a beautiful woman at the counter, and Joey and Chandler are egging him on to go talk to her. No pun intended. I mean it.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler are there. Ross is still talking to the beautiful woman.]
[Scene: In the hall. Chandler is trying to get Janice out of his apartment.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. The girls are talking with the firemen.]