Here's a short, "What-if?" piece quite different from the
complicated sagas I've been writing lately. I hope you enjoy it,
and any feedback is always welcome.
Disclaimer : Characters and situations contained within are the
property of Universal/Amblin Entertainment. No copyright
infringement is intended.
___________________________________________________________
I'M SORRY.
By Nicole Mayer (destiny@wwdg.com)
22-03-1997
When she got to the house, there was a letter waiting for her.
Her name, handwritten, on a perfect white envelope that must have
taken hours to make. It was from *him*, there was no one else it
could be.
Slowly, she reached out one hand to take it. She was still
shaking inside, shocked, full of denial and disbelief. If she
could only close her eyes, maybe she could pretend that it never
happened.
But it did. This letter was proof of that, something tangible
to hold in her hands and know that her world had changed forever.
*She* had changed forever, and the consequences would last beyond
time.
With trembling hands, she opened the envelope. Lifting it
close to her face, she breathed in the scent that was *him* and
knew it would be for the last time. She forced back the tears and
began to read.
"Dear Julia,
There are so many things I want to say to you. So many things
I wish I *could* say, that I wish I'd been able to tell you. But
something happened along the way, and somehow, we lost that special
connection.
Do you remember...those days when we could talk for hours?
When nothing seemed more important than the two of us, when our
closeness was everything? It seems so strange to me now,
remembering these times and knowing, sadly, that they are gone
forever.
Coming to this planet was like nothing I ever imagined. I
never intended to stay here, but this time on G889 has been more
full of wonder, mysteries, and happiness than I ever thought
possible. It was incredible. It *is* incredible. I was part of
the greatest adventure in humanity's history.
When we first crashed, I wanted to die. My life as I knew it
was over, and I believed that I would never have the chance to see
the stars again. Piloting was my reason for living, my everything,
and I couldn't imagine a life planet-bound.
But you were there. There was a light in your eyes, along
with a deep sadness. I saw your pain and I saw the possibilities.
I wanted to know more about you, if only we could get past the
anger and the fear, and be free to be ourselves.
Somehow, we did just that. Not only did you heal my body, but
you also helped to heal my soul. You, and the Terrians, showed me
there was more to flying, and that I didn't have to succumb to the
depression. There could be a life for me after all.
And then there was you - your pain, your fight for an
identity. The Council told you that they owned you, but I knew
differently. There was a spirit inside of you that could never be
quelled, you were Julia Heller, a real person.
When we abandoned you, I understood your pain perfectly and
*had* to go back, for I know what it feels like not to belong. In
a way, that *is* me, a wanderer through time.
This stay on G889 has been my longest without sleep for many,
many years, since beyond I can remember. It has opened my eyes to
new possibilities, and in these two short years, I have encountered
more than I ever expected.
The feel of dirt beneath my feet, the thousand smells of the
wind, the rising of the sun and moons with clockwork regularity -
all unique, wondrous experiences so removed from the life of a
pilot. I learnt. I lived. I loved.
For the first time in my life, I discovered what love was
truly like. More than a four day fling, even more than a two month
relationship. It was, as you once said to me, two souls reaching
across immense distances to find their perfect match.
That day Bess and Morgan remarried, and we danced for the
first time, I was still full of cynicism. You were beautiful and
lovely to hold, and I liked you a lot. But I didn't believe in
love, not then, I thought it was only a myth created by lonely
people.
And now, writing this to you, I realise that maybe I was right.
When love does exist, it can only be fleeting. It does not last
forever.
So don't be sad when you read this, for you know in your heart
that it was over. I loved you, Julia, but that's in the past.
When we *were* together, we could do anything and you were
everything to me. You taught me what it was like to truly care for
a person, and I will never forget that. Or you.
I'm sorry I didn't talk to you sooner. I saw it happening -
the increased tensions before the colonists arrived. You were
throwing yourself into your work and this planet, planning out the
rest of your life. My life. And I - I was looking to the stars.
I could feel the ship coming. Suddenly, all the memories came
back to me, the flying, and the feeling of immortality as I jumped
between times. It was who I was, and a part of me yearned to
return to that world.
I tried to ignore it; I spoke to everyone I could. To Devon,
to Danziger, Walman, even Morgan. But not you. I couldn't face
you. I couldn't tell you that I was thinking about leaving.
Everyone told me to follow my heart. I thought long and hard
about this. How I'd given my heart to you all that time ago, and
how it gradually made its way back. But not to me, it returned to
the sky and the stars and flying.
Space calls me. I cannot live down here every day, not
*knowing* what is happening out there. Only the most dedicated
space travellers ever become sleep-jumpers, but that's what I was.
It's what I will become again.
As I write this, I imagine your face as you discover I'm
leaving. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you face to face, and I'm sorry
that you will only find out as we launch. Sheila has promised to
let me will fly the ship back home. Home to the stars for me, but
your home is here on G889.
I will miss everyone from the Eden Project, and most of all
you. But it is over. I have to leave and follow my destiny.
Maybe someday I will come back and visit your grandchildren, but do
not wait for me. I hope you find someone, Julia. I know you dream
of a family, and children to love in the way you were never loved,
and I believe you will find that future.
I will never forget you. Believe that, and I hope you
remember me, but be happy to go on with your life. You deserve
someone who will love you forever, but I can't do that and I'm
sorry. Goodbye, Julia.
Love your friend,
Alonzo Solace."
"Damn him!" Julia burst out aloud. If only he'd told her, if
only... She hadn't realised that their love had disappeared, but
was it truly over forever? How could he just take off like that,
telling everyone else but *her*? She had felt like such a fool
when Alonzo strode onto that ship and waved farewell to all of his
friends.
He'd stared at her one last moment, mouthing the word "sorry".
And then he was gone from her life forever.
"He should have told me," Julia cried out, feeling tears of
rage and sorrow grow in her eyes. How could she just forget Alonzo
Solace, her first true love, without time to say goodbye? How
could he just walk out on her?
But he did, and now he would never know. He would never know
of their child Julia carried inside of her, a child created from
their last union before the love was lost. For he was gone
forever.
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