Seth R. Meyer presents
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=========== Star Trek: The Next Generation ===========
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============ Episode 22 ============
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=========== A Galaxy Far, Far Away ===========
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Scene 1:
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Picard: Captain's log, 43258.2...While playing with our warp engines,
Wesley has warped us into yet another unchartered region of our
galaxy.
Data: Sir, if we were to travel at warp nine, back to Earth, it would
take 2 months, 2 weeks, 13 days, 35 hours, 64 minutes 92 seconds, 10
millise...
Riker: Data!...
Data: Yes, sir?
Riker: How did you make it through the academy without being able to
simplify somthing as simple as time?
Data: Cheat, fudge, lie, brown-nose, copy, sneak, conce..
Riker: Data...
Geordi: Data, you could of said 2 months, 4 weeks, 11 hours, 5 minutes,
and 34 seconds.
Wesley: No sir. Its 2 months, 5 weeks, 12 hours, 5 minutes, and 32
seconds.
Geordi: Are you sure?
[Wesley nods..]
Worf: Captain. There is a small spacecraft approaching.
Picard: Lt. Yar, open hailing frequencies. [pause] Tasha?
Worf: Respectfully speaking, sir, but she is dead. Remember the incident
with you sending her out in the shuttle-craft? A shame. She was a
*strong* woman.
Data: [to himself] ...and also sexually stimulating.
Picard: [scratching bald head] Oh...right! Worf open hailing frequencies.
This is Captain Jean-Luc Pica...
Worf: Hailing frequencies open *now* sir.
Picard: Oh... This is Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Enterprise.
Identify yourselves!
Voice: <>
Picard: We haven't met an alien race that didn't.
Voice: <>
Picard: Hi-per-who?
Voice: <>
Picard: Hold on a sec, willya? [signals to Worf, who shuts off
communications. He looks up at ceiling and proceeds to talk to it:]
Picard to Engineering!
Chief Engineer 31: Tyler here, go ahead Captain.
Picard: [still yelling towards ceiling] Do we have 'hyperdrive'?
Chief Engineer 31: Hold on, sir. [pause] Of the Engineers on the ship,
34 say 'no' and 33 say 'yes'.
Picard: [yelling towards ceiling] Thank you. [looks at bridge crew.]
Anyone have any suggestions?
Riker: Yes, we have hyperdrive.
Geordi: No, there ain't no thing.
Data: I do not believe we have hyperdrive, sir.
[Everone looks at Worf]
Worf: With all due respect, I could care less.
Picard: What about you counselor?
Troi: I feel a disturbance in some force around us.
Picard: Nevermind, counselor. [looks at bridge crew] What
should I tell them?
Wesley: Sir, I've been reading some manuals on the Enterprise, and it does
not have anything called 'hyperdrive'.
Picard: Very good, Wesley. Maybe you'll get into the academy some day.
Now shut up! Worf, open frequencies. [In a louder voice..] No, we do
not ha...
Worf: Hailing frequencies open, sir.
Picard: ..ha-ha-have...ahem! No, we do not have hyperdrive.
Voice: <>
[puzzled, looks at everyone on bridge who exchange puzzled glances.
Everyone looks at Wesley who nods 'yes'. The rest of the bridge nods.]
Picard: Uh, yes, we have a tractor beam. Wesley, activate tractor beam.
Wesley: Aye-aye skipper! Tractor beams are my specialty!
Picard: Shut up, Wesley!
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Scene 2:
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[In Transporter Room 3]
Picard: What is it Riker? You have that stupid grin on your face again.
Riker: Oh nothing sir... just thinking.
Transporter Chief: Ready to beam them up, sir.
Picard: Make it so.
{bbbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzztttttttttttt}
[Four figures appear. Two are male, one female, and one is animal-like.]
First man: Whoa! Neat way to travel. I'm Han Solo, This is Luke
Skywalker...
Luke: ...Hello...
Solo: ...my fiance, Princess Leia...
Leia: [to Solo] ...fiance!? You've got to be kidding!?!...
Solo: ...and my companion Chewbacca.
Say 'hi' Chewie.
Chewie: GRRRRRGGG! RORWROWROOO!
Picard: I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and this is my first officer Riker.
[Riker grins and nods]
Picard: Welcome aboard the Enterprise.
============================================================================
Scene 3:
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[Bridge turbolift doors open. Picard, Riker, and the strange crew step
onto the bridge.]
Picard: ...and this is our bridge.
Solo: Whoa! It's huge.
[Chewbacca stands ominously over data]
Data: Excuse me, sir, but you're shedding all over my console.
Chewie: ARRRGGG!
Solo: Easy, Chewie.
Picard: Solo. There are *no* animals permitted on the bridge...
[Chewbacca grabs Picards neck and lifts him three feet above the ground]
Picard: [choking] ...so I don't think you'll have to
worry about Chewie getting fleas. [He falls to the ground, rubbing
his neck]
Worf: Captain, I suggest you look at the viewscreen.
Picard: It looks like a small moon.
Troi: I sense a feeling of many, many minds.
Data: There are no records of any such moon.
Solo: That's not just *any* moon.
{suspenseful music}
Geordi: There are definite life forms on this moon.
Solo: Endor!
[Everyone on bridge exchanges puzzled glances]
Riker: In who?
Solo: Endor! That moon of Endor has Ewoks on it.
Picard: Who walks?
Solo: [getting frustrated] Ewoks! Furry animals creatures.
Chewie: AAARRRGG!
Solo: Sorry; *little* furry animal creatures.
Riker: Tribbles?
Luke: [finally speaking, interrupting] I sense a great disturbance
in the force. I believe we're in danger.
Worf: [murmuring to himself] Not *ANOTHER* Betazoid.
Troi: I agree. We *are* in danger.
[Luke and Troi stare at each other]
Luke: Are you a jedi, like my father?
Troi: No I never heard of a jet-aye. Are you Betazoid, like my mother?
Luke: Not that I know of.
Worf: [interrupting] Approaching another moon of endor.
Riker: Full stop, Geordi!
Geordi: Aye, sir.
Leia: Oh no!
Chewie: AAARRRGG!
Wesley: Oh neat! That's a self propelled ion-powered armed
battle-station!
Picard: Shut up Wesley!
Wesley: But...
Beverly: [Over intercom] <>
Picard: [still looking at viewscreen] Picard here. Doctor, this
better be important. We might have a crises on our hands.
Beverly: <>
Picard: Not *now* Doctor. Picard out.
Luke: You shouldn't be so hard on the boy. He is quite correct.
That *is* a battle station.
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Scene 4:
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Data: We are being pulled towards the station.
Picard: A tractor beam?
Wesley: Duh...
Solo: Oh no...tie fighters!!
Riker: Geordi, shields and deflectors up!
Geordi: Shields and deflectors up, sir.
[Blasters fire from the tie-fighters, hitting the Enterprise in various
areas]
Picard: [yelling at ceiling] Picard to Engineering!
Chief Engineer 43: <>
Picard: Damage report!
Chief Engineer 43: <>
Picard: Shields down 75%?!?
Chief Engineer 43: <>
Picard: Oh...thanks. Picard out. Geordi, fire warning shots. Let
them know what we're capable of.
Luke: [aside to Solo] Have you figured out who does what job here?
[Solo nods 'no']
Geordi: Torpedo's away, sir.
{pftttt...pftttt...pftttt...pftttt...pftttt...pftttt...pftttt...pftttt}
[seconds later...]
{kabloom...kabloom...kabloom...kabloom...kabloom...kabloom...kabloom}
Solo: [thinking to himself] (1...2....3...4...5...6...7...huh?
I thought they fired eight torpedos?)
Data: All torpedoes have hit the battle-station.
Worf: Tractor beam has stopped.
Riker: Geordi! The captain told you to fire warning shots! Report!
Geordi: [smiling coyly] What do you expect from a blind man?
Luke & Troi: I sense great anger.
Data: Space station turning and scanners detect it powering up.
Worf: Shields and deflectors are at 100%, sir.
Picard: Any suggestions?
[The Death Star fires its death beam, a beam powerful enough to destroy
a planet. The ship quakes violently]
Picard: Worf, Damage report!
Worf: Shields are down to 48%. Sir, we cannot take another shot.
Picard: Worf send the following in all languages and in all frequencies:
"We surrender."
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Scene 5:
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Worf: Tie fighters breaking up and another small vessel approaching.
Data: Its docking now in shuttlecraft bay 4.
Picard: Riker, Troi, Solo; come with me. [enters turbolift]
Computer: Location?
Picard: Shuttlecraft Bay.
Computer: Number?
Picard: Four.
[doors slide closed and seconds pass]
Picard: Does either of you know what we're up against?
Troi: I sense a very powerful mind.
Solo: His name is Darth Vader.
Picard: That's interesting. Luke and Leia called him 'Dad'.
Riker: It might be some sort of deception on their part.
Troi: ...or they might think that he really is their father.
Picard: [sarcastically to Troi] Such mistakes are known to happen...
[turbolift doors open, conveniently after the conversation has
been completed.]
Vader: hauu--chua, hauu--chua {sound effects of Vader breathing}
Picard: I demand to know why you have fired on our ship!
Vader: You demand? [Vader looks at Picard, who begins to choke
from some mysterious cause]
Solo: You scum! [firing several blaster shots at Vader, who deflects
them with his hand]
Riker: Let me try with a man's weapon.
[Riker fires a phaser shot, which Vader attempts to stop with his hand,
but fails, as the phaser shot makes a hole through his hand]
Vader: ARG!
Troi: Stop this violence!
Vader: Something different about you little lady. The force is strong
within you. You have potential. Hmmm... But first... [takes out
light sabre] wouzzzzz...crackle
[Vader aims light sabre at Riker, and is about to strike him, when the
sabre is disarmed, and he falls to the ground]
Vader: AAAEEII!!
Riker: [breathing heavily] Thanks Captain.
Picard: I did nothing. Counselor? Solo?
Troi: I don't know, sir, but he had something devious in mind for me.
[Solo simply shruggs his shoulders]
Picard: [yelling at ceiling] Picard to Dr. Crusher, medical emergency!
Shuttlecraft Bay 5!
Solo: Four
Picard: [yelling at ceiling] Make that Shuttlecraft Bay 4. Picard to
bridge.
Data: <>
Picard: Report!
Data: <>
Picard: [still yelling at ceiling] Go ahead, Wes.
Wesley: <>
Picard: [yelling at ceiling] Look, Wes. Don't disturb me with trivial
stuff like that. Just find some dilithium crystals to play with and
leave me alone. Picard out.
Solo: Picard! He deactivated Darth Vader! Wesley saved your first
officer's life!
[suddenly, Q appears]
Q: So. You still deny calling yourself a savage race.
[Solo fires a few blaster shots at Q, who dies]
Picard: I didn't think you could shoot him!
Riker: Well, if you recall, Q did freeze Lt. Torres when he was about
to stun him.
Troi: He therefore could be shot, because I had *sensed* a brief feeling
of fear eminating from him.
Solo: [aside, to Picard] Are you sure she's not a jedi?
Picard: I don't believe it!
Riker: Sir?
Picard: We actually figured something out without the help of Wesley!
Troi: Well you've done that before. Recall in the episode called
11001010?
Riker: No, I think it was called 10101010.
Picard: [once again, yelling at ceiling] Picard to bridge! What
was the episode with the binars?
Geordi: <<11101001?>>
Worf: <<201?>>
Data: <<11001001>>
Wesley: <>
Data: <>
Picard: [yelling at florescent lights] Thanks, all. It's 11000110,
[thinking that Wesley must be right] Troi. I was there, so I know.
Riker: Yeah, but the only reason we figured it out was because we were
pressed for time in 10110001. Now, we are not pressed for time.
Troi: With all our attention on the binar episode, we should be more
attentive to the new ship approaching.
Solo: Oh No! It's the Emperor.
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