From armstree@widomaker.com Mon Jun 30 00:11:42 1997
For those on my list unfamiliar with "MST3K", a janitor named MIKE has
been trapped in a satellite by some evil people on Earth. Fortunately, he
has some wise-ass robots--including TOM SERVO, CROW, and GYPSY--to keep him
company as he is forced to watch really bad movies by the evil people
who put him there. The gang makes sarcastic comments as the movies play, and
since many of these movies are Sci Fi, there are quite a lot of sci-fi
references.
Okay, that's all the prepping you'll need. I realize the following
e-mail is long, but if you feel the way I do about Voyager, you won't be able to
tear your eys away from this till the very end.
Enjoy.
- Jon
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
[ The bridge of the Satellite of Love. Mike, Crow, and Gypsy are
arrayed at stage left, looking at Tom, who is facing them from stage
right. Mike has a styrofoam coffee cup in his hand; another is on
the counter by Crow. Crow and Gypsy have cigarettes (unlit, of
course) dangling from their mouths. ]
TOM: Ahem. Um. [nervously] Hello. My name is Tom, and... and I...
er... what I'm trying to say is...
GYPSY: Go ahead, Tom.
CROW: Yeah, Servo, we ain't got all day. Spit it out.
TOM: I... well... [beat; then, very quickly:] I'm a Trekkie.
ALL: [gasps of horror; stiffening of spines]
[beat]
MIKE: Wait a minute. Tom, we knew that! You've got all the tie-in
novels and the 30th anniversary collectors' edition toilet paper.
CROW & GYPSY: Oh, yeah. [they relax]
TOM: That's not the real confession. [steels himself] I watch
_Voyager_.
ALL: [more fervent gasps of horror]
MIKE: Wait a minute -- we *all* watch _Voyager_. For relief from the
crappy movies we all have to suffer through, remember?
CROW & GYPSY: Oh, yeah. [they relax again]
CROW: Hey, Mike -- if we watch _Voyager_ to unwind after watching the
crappiest of the crappy, then why the heck did we sit through
"Favorite Son"?
MIKE: I thought it was _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_.
GYPSY: That's understandable.
TOM: That's not the real confession! The real confession is that I
want
_Voyager_ to get better! I want to see a great show! I want the
Trek dynasty to go strong for another thirty years! [beat] Is
that
wrong?
MIKE: That's not so bad, Tom. Lots of people want things. Like, I
want to
see my family again.
GYPSY: Sometimes I want Belgian waffles!
CROW: I want to set up Lisa Klink on a blind date with Stephen Ratliff.
TOM: Oh, that's just peachy. What would their kid be like?
CROW: I don't know for sure, but I'm betting on a combination of Kevin
J.
Anderson and Lee Goldberg.
ALL: Ewwwwwww.
[light flashes]
MIKE: Hey, look -- the She-Wolf of London is calling. [he snaps the
com on]
Pearl Forrester is revealed on board a Borg ship. A male Borg --
really,
really beefcake, wearing only a codpiece best left to the imagination of
H.R. Giger -- is rubbing her shoulders. Bobo and the Observer are
visible
behind her. They're both paler than usual, which is understandable, as
they're plugged into the wall and in the process of getting Borgified.
PEARL: A little to the left. [the Borg complies] Ohhh. So, you boys
like _Voyager_, do you?
MIKE: Well, actually, only Tom, and even *he* --
PEARL: Never mind. You're getting a press release about a _Voyager_
cast
change. Enjoy. [com channel closes]
MIKE: Huh.
TOM: Um... Mike, weren't those Borg?
MIKE: I think so.
TOM: Shouldn't we warn 'em or something?
MIKE: Nah. It's the Borg who should be worried.
TOM: [surprised] What, you thought I meant we should warn *Forrester?*
[siren goes off]
MIKE: Oh, no! PRESS RELEASE SIGN!
[Door sequence]
[They enter the theater]
TOM: Movie sign, fanfic sign, John-Winston sign, now press release
sign? How do you tell 'em apart?
MIKE: Ten signs. All of family sign. Only slight differences in
light and sirens.
CROW: Signs, signs... *everywhere* the signs...
TOM: Are you guys worried about the casting change?
MIKE: Nah. We've heard the rumors; we know it's coming. How bad could
it be?
> NEW CAST MEMBER JOINS UPN's "STAR TREK: VOYAGER" -- Actress Jeri
> Ryan Portrays Provocative Female Borg --
CROW: Uh-oh.
TOM: "Provocative Female Borg?" I call Deep Hurting.
CROW: I call it first.
TOM: No you don't!
> LOS ANGELES, Tuesday, June 10, 1997. . .
MIKE: [hums DRAGNET theme]
> An intriguing new
CROW: ratings stunt!
> character will join the cast of UPN's popular series
TOM: They have one?
MIKE: _Moesha_.
TOM: Oh, yeah.
> "Star Trek:
> Voyager," it was announced today at the network's annual Affiliate
> Meeting by Mike Sullivan, president, entertainment, UPN.
TOM: He went on to say, "Frankly, we're desperate, and we'll do
anything
to salvage this show short of hiring some actual writers."
> Actress Jeri Ryan portrays a striking, young female Borg,
MIKE: Man. They're not even bothering to *hide* the demographic
they're
going for, are they?
> "Seven of Nine," who is
CROW: Hot. She's hot. That's all you viewers care about, isn't it?
TOM: They sure hope so.
> brought aboard the Federation starship when her ties to the Collective
> are severed.
MIKE: [stoner] "Wow, man... the 'rents kicked me out of the house.
Can I
crash on your couch?"
CROW: [Janeway] "No, but I think we can realign the positive matrix of
the warp core and reinject the plasma ventriculators enough to
make a pretty comfy futon."
TOM: [shuddering] *Never* do that again.
> In making the announcement, Mr. Sullivan commented, "We feel that
> the new female Borg character will inject a dynamic energy
ALL: [coughing]
> into "Voyager" as it continues to boldly go
TOM: Into the ratings dumper.
> where no one has gone before."
MIKE: Next season, Janeway invents a scientific test for finding
witches.
CROW: While Torres has to reinstall the warp manifolds using only a
herring!
> Regarding the new character, the series creator and executive
> producer, Rick Berman, commented,
CROW: [Berman] "I've got my sweet production deal; I don't give a rat's
ass about quality any more!"
> "Seven of Nine' was a human
> assimilated by the Borg as a young girl, but once Captain Janeway
> severs her connections to the Collective, she is forced to stay on
> Voyager and adapt to human society.
ALL: [moans]
TOM: Oh, look: they're doing a new take on the holodoc's
reinterpretation
of the issues explored by Odo and Hugh and Worf and Data and
Spock.
CROW: Been there. Done that. Bought the four _TV Guide_ commemorative
covers. Put them in a cheap frame and sold them to a Trekkie for
a 400% profit.
MIKE: You have no shame.
CROW: Neither does Paramount.
> She should provide us with countless new storylines."
CROW: [Berman] "Ghod knows the writers haven't!"
> The unconventional character, "Seven of Nine,"
TOM: [Frank-N-Furter] "Good evening, my unconventional
conventionalists!"
[the others applaud politely]
> will be introduced
> in the season premiere episode, "Scorpion, Part II." By the second
> episode of the season, "The Gift," the character will begin her
> transformation.
TOM: [very seriously] If she turns into a newt, I'm gonna kick
somebody's
butt.
> Now detached from the Collective, she begins to take
> on a more human appearance, revealing a sensual creature
TOM: Mike? I'm frightened.
CROW: This is gonna be just like the _Baywatch Nights_ episode that was
a tribute to _Sliders_'s rip-off of _Species_, isn't it?
> neither fully
MIKE: clothed...
> Borg nor fully human. This unpredictable, alluring new series regular
TOM: Have we mentioned that she's hot?
> will prove a daily challenge to Captain Janeway and her crew as they
> try to help her rediscover humanity.
TOM: Of course, Paris has his *own* methods in mind. That wacky
horndog!
CROW: [falsetto] "What is this human emotion you call love?"
MIKE: [Paris] "It's the best darn thing in the whole universe,
except for cough drops."
> Jeri Ryan is no stranger to the world of sci-fi. She is a former
> series regular on "Dark Skies."
MIKE: [singing] "All she said was 'Call me Juliet.'"
TOM: Whoo! Now *that's* obscure!
> In addition, she guest starred on
> "Melrose Place," "Murder, She Wrote," "Matlock"
CROW: [Grandpa Simpson] I'm old. I don't like anything but _Matlock_
-- hey, it's on now!
>and "Diagnosis Murder"
TOM: Wow! A Lee Goldberg connection!
> and appeared in the made-for-television movies "Nightmare in Columbia
> County" and "In the Line of Fire: Ambush in Waco." Her feature film
> credits include "The Last Man"
TOM: "He was the last man on earth. He was the last man on earth and he
howled. The hills, the valleys, the mountains and streams were
his,
and he howled."
MIKE: That's bester than any reference we've made in this MiSTing.
CROW: And that pun was worster than any we've made, *ever.* Owch.
> and "Men Cry Bullets."
ALL: [guffaws]
CROW: Maybe in Texas, or in John Woo movies.
> A graduate of
> Northwestern University and a mother of a young son, Ms. Ryan
TOM: Is going to have harsh words with her agent shortly.
> splits
> her time between Los Angeles and Chicago where her husband, an
> investment banker, resides.
>
> "Star Trek: Voyager" stars Kate Mulgrew as
MIKE: The woefully incompetent, sorely misused...
> Captain Kathryn Janeway, Robert Beltran as
TOM: The beefy yet strangely magnetic...
> First Officer Chakotay, Roxann Dawson as
CROW: The T&A, lately.
> Chief Engineer B'Elanna Torres, Jennifer Lien as Kes,
MIKE: Not for long.
TOM: Run, Jennifer! Run while you can!
> Robert Duncan McNeill as Lt. Tom Paris,
MIKE: Who gives every crummy script the old college try.
> Ethan Phillips as Neelix,
TOM: Let it be said that I have nothing against Ethan Phillips
personally,
and that I don't think he's a horrible actor. You guys get that?
MIKE: Yeah.
CROW: Loud and clear.
TOM: Good. [beat] ARRRGHH!!! I hate Neelix! Kill him!
Killhimkillhim
killhim! Gouge out his eyes with a cattle prod, pull out his
intestines through his nostrils, hack him to little bits with a
pair
of really dull scissors, break his fingers, pull out his nails,
hobble him, break him on the wheel or the rack or under Chinese
Water Torture, tie him to a chair and set Lawrence Olivier on his
teeth, put him through re-entry without a ship, throw him into a
warp core... ANYTHING. Just wax him! Turn him into a grease spot
with sideburns! Make him dead, dead, DEAD!
CROW: Seconded.
MIKE: Thirded. [beat] You okay, Tom?
TOM: [who is still shaking with rage] Yeah. I just hate Neelix.
CROW: We know.
> Robert Picardo as The Doctor,
ALL: [applause]
MIKE: Above and beyond the call of duty. Why he doesn't cut and run is
beyond me.
CROW: My money says they've got him chained to the soundstage.
> Tim Russ as Tactical/Security Officer Tuvok,
CROW: [Russ] "This is not logical."
TOM: [heartily] "Great delivery! Just like that when we shoot."
CROW: [Russ] "I was referring to the script."
> Garrett Wang as Ops/Com Officer Harry Kim
MIKE: Spank me, Harry!
CROW: And me!
TOM: And me!
GYPSY: [who has entered unnoticed at the far left] AND ME!
Gypsy exits.
TOM: Um... guys, what was that?
CROW: There are some things about Gypsy that I don't want to know.
> and Jeri Ryan as Seven of Nine.
TOM: To reiterate the major point of this press release: she's hot.
MIKE: We repeat, she's hot.
CROW: Very alluring, ya.
> Rick Berman and Jeri Taylor are the executive producers. The
> series, based on "Star Trek" created by Gene Roddenberry, was created
> by Rick Berman, Jeri Taylor and Michael Piller. "Star Trek: Voyager"
> is a production of Paramount Network Television for broadcast on UPN.
> The Paramount Station Group is part of the entertainment operations of
> Viacom, Inc.
CROW: And once again: the new Borg is *hot!*
[They get up]
[Through the doors]
[Back on the bridge of the Satellite of Love]
CROW: Well. That was certainly... er, something.
MIKE: It's not all bad. Maybe she'll be... you know, really hot.
TOM: So alluring that we don't notice the problems with the scripts?
MIKE: I guess that's the idea.
CROW: Nothing ensures success in SFTV like gorgeous women. Remember
how much the fans loved "Favorite Son," and "He Who Is Without
Sin," and the second season of _SeaQuest_?
TOM: And the replacement of John Rhys-Davies with Kari Wuhrer really
helped _Sliders_'s popularity. Face it, Mike, they could
cast Joan Chen, Jamie Lee Curtis, Nicole Kidman and the Creepy
Girl; _Voyager_ would *still* be lame.
MIKE: I guess you're right... but it's kind of depressing. Yeah,
TOS had lots of skimpy costumes, but they didn't rely on
them to keep the viewers watching.
CROW: I really wonder how they decided to pile on the T&A. You think
they had a meeting about it?
MIKE: Probably. I wonder what it was like...
TOM: I think I know.
MIKE: Start us off, then.
TOM: Okay. Just a second.
Tom exits. He re-enters immediately in suit and tie.
TOM: Ahem. Mesdames et messieurs, ladies and gentlemen, and producers
--
it is with the deepest urgency that I assemble you tonight, to
discuss a matter of great importance to us all: how to inflate
our sagging ratings.
[ Suddenly music, namely "Be Our Guest" from Disney's _Beauty and the
Beast_, swells. Cambot zooms in on Tom, who begins to sing:]
TOM: We... need... breasts, we need breasts
to allure and to impress;
to be bouncing in an epic -- dare I say it? -- jiggle-fest!
Our stories -- they're not gripping;
so our fan base has been slipping
and the suits are growing frantic, 'cause they need the
demographic
males eighteen to thirty-four -- they're not watching? Let's show
more!
Start an endless cavalcade of female flesh.
They'll tune in every night if the costumes are tight
to see some breasts, see some breasts, see some breasts.
[ Cambot pulls back, revealing Crow and Mike -- both clad in suits and
ties. Crow is bobbing his head in time, and then begins to sing.]
CROW: Skimpy clothes, negligees,
push-up bras and bustiers;
bosoms bare will swell our share and make our Neilsen ratings
raise;
Bosoms big, bosoms small, but huge breasts are best of all
Our show will be better rated if the cast is well-inflated!
Push 'em up, push 'em out --
What's the fans' big fuss about?
Don't they want the show to be a big success?
So the script's sub-par -- hey, it's got Pon Farr!
If you're stressed, you're repressed
and you don't like heaving chests;
but we love breasts; we need breasts; show some breasts.
TOM: [mournfully]
Our ratings should be bitchin', but we can't beat the
competition;
though we used to lead the Neilsens with aplomb.
TNG once was king of syndication;
on UPN, _Star Trek_'s almost a bomb.
DS9 is going; to keep the cash cow's green milk flowing
we have to boost the new show's ratings some damn way.
And from on high there came the revelation:
[peppy again]
if you want the Neilsen rank up, put Kate Mulgrew in a tank top!
MIKE: Lots of breasts, lots of breasts
-- heck, why bother with the rest?
just appeal with fervent zeal to the old infantile complex.
We need tits, we need ass
write good scripts? -- nah, that won't pass!
To increase the Neilsen talley, shoot on location: Silicone
Valley.
Screw the fans; they're too snide -- just buy space in _TV
Guide_;
turn the show into a titillation-fest.
Publicize that, too (five covers ought to do)
and show some breasts, lots of breasts, heaving breasts.
[Cambot zooms in on Tom again; Mike and Crow vanish from our POV.]
TOM: Here's to breasts, here's to breasts
may they lead us to success
Because our jobs are on the line and we're becoming mighty
stressed.
So each day we tell our chiders
this stuff really worked for _Sliders_
as we cater to the fevered lust for breasts un-cantilevered...
[ Cambot pulls back, revealing Mike and Crow wearing padded bras. They
make feeble attempts to high kick in unison. It isn't pretty.]
TOM: Tit by tit, bun by bun
'till we're back to number one
But until then with the ratings we're obsessed.
If things get more unglued...
why, then we'll just film nude!
Come on, breasts; save us, breasts; here's to breasts!
Oh, please, see our breasts!
Streamers fall from the ceiling. Crow gives one last attempt at a high
kick and falls over. Mike's falsies spill out onto the countertop.
MIKE: [breathing heavily] I gotta say it -- what do you think, sirs
and
madam?
[On the Borg ship]
PEARL: Nice song, Mike, but Manischewitz Passover wine has a better
kick than you. Keep practicing. [to the Borg] Well, thanks
for the backrub, sixty of nine, but I've got to be going.
How do I unplug Bobo and the Observer?
BORG: You do not. Backrubs are irrelevant. You will be assimilated.
PEARL: Sorry, hon. Fear of committment. [She unplugs Bobo and the
Observer, who stagger to their feet.]
BORG: Committment is irrelevant. You will be assimilated.
PEARL: Finally, a man who understands how I feel about relationships!
[to
Bobo and the Observer] Come on, you two.
[SOL]
TOM: Unreal. Do you think they'll actually get away?
CROW: Maybe they'll get to their ship. But it ain't going far.
MIKE: Bet you a RAM chip.
CROW: Oh, you are *so* on.
TOM: Can I have a piece of that? I'm with Mike.
CROW: Suckers. I can taste those RAM chips already.
[Space]
The VW flies out of the Borg cube.
[On board the VW]
PEARL: That's strange. We shouldn't be accelerating this quickly.
We've
lost mass somehow...
BOBO: Um... madam, I don't mean to intrude, but... I thought it would
be
best to lighten the ship, so we could leave as quickly as
possible...
so I left some of our nukes on the Borg cube.
PEARL: Nukes? How many nukes?
BOBO: Well... twenty. But they were only teeny little A-bombs, honest!
PEARL: Oh, very uplifting. Let's make space tracks!
[ EXT. - SPACE: The VW races away from the Borg cube, which explodes]
[The SOL]
The crew is staring slackjawed.
CROW: The Borg. Poor, trusting fools.
TOM: We should've warned 'em.
MIKE: Two RAM chips, Crow. Pay up.
[The VW]
PEARL: Nice job, Bobo. Real nice. As a reward, you get to push that
button.
BOBO: Oh! Oh, thank you, madam! [He presses it; the picture zaps
out.]
That was fun!
We hear him press the button again; the picture comes back. He presses
the button several more times, causing the picture to flicker on and
off:
VW, black, VW, black... etc. The last time he pushes it, we hear
a terrible WHACK. The picture stays off.
BOBO: [sullenly] Ow.
PEARL: Shut up, Bobo.
Credits:
Original post: a Paramount press release, written by some nameless
flunky,
courteously posted by Lee Whiteside. MiSTing by David Hines, with one
joke shamelessly ripped off from Mike Barklage. All ruthless personal
attacks are meant in good clean fun, and I want to make special mention
of the fact that I feel very, very, very sorry for the cast of
_Voyager_,
all of whom deserve better. (Jeri Ryan has no clue what she's
getting into, poor woman.)
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