Title: So close, yet so far away .... (1/4)
Author: Tanja
E-mail address: voet@tanja-myrna.demon.nl or xfshippers@writeme.com
Rating: PG-13
Keywords: MSR
Spoilers: You've Got Mail movie
Summary: A love that seems impossible, is made possible, through the ...
internet.
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully do NOT belong to me, they belong to Chris
Carter, 1013 and Fox Network.
Archiving: Gossamer and Souls Entwined Archive always. Archiving elsewhere
is okay, but please drop me a note!
Feedback: YES!!! Please?!?! I live for feedback :D
Author's notes: Story in response to a You've got mail challenge, posted on
the XPFRS Vault Fanfic Challenge site, by Abby. The challenge was: Write a
story about Mulder and Scully falling in love on the internet. I don't have
any experience with relationships through the internet, I've only heard the
stories. It should be a story in You've Got Mail style. I hope it worked
out.
Dedicated to:
Nessy, who asked me if I was going to write anything again. And who said
when I told her I would try: Thatta girl, go be productive" So here you go
Nessy, hope you'll like it :) Thanks for the advice and suggestions, I hope
you'll have a wonderful time in America!!!
Joey, a wonderful friend. Hey Joey, I'm so glad you're back online again! I
know I still owe you a sequel to My secret. I promise, soon! Joey, thanks for suggestions
and beta-reading.
So close, yet so far away ... (1/4)
How did she end up here? How did her life get so messed up? This was not
the way she had seen herself 10 years ago. Back then she had been in her
last year of med school, a straight A-student, a promising career lying in
front of her.
A loving family and even though she didn't go out that much, she did have a
social life. At least that life could be called a social life - these days
her social life had been reduced to practically zero. Her life consisted of
work, work and well let's face it, once again work.
When had things started to change? The day she accepted the job offer from
the FBI? Or had it been 2 years later, when she had been transferred from
Quantico to the X-files? A lot had happened in the 7 years she had been on
the X-files.
Her abduction, her cancer, the near-death experience in Antarctica. The
loss of her father, her sister and a daughter she had only met for the
first time, a few days before she had died. All these things had changed
her, she was not Dana Katherine Scully anymore. That Dana had disappeared
the day she walked into Fox Mulder's office.
Her family had never understood why she had given up her career in
medicine, for a job with the FBI. But she let them, she knew why, what was
most important was that she understood herself. But without realizing, she
had started to drift away from her family.
Her father and sister were dead. Her brother Charlie was always at sea,
Bill had never approved her career choice, especially not after he had met
that son-of-a-bitch of a partner as he had told her. And her mother? She
tried to understand what her daughter did, but in reality she would never
completely understand why Dana hadn't just married a nice doctor, with whom
she lived in a house with a white picket fence and their 2.5 children.
Her job was her life and her life was her work. All because of Mulder. Sent
to debunk his work, she had fallen for him. His quest had become hers.
These days she wanted to find Samantha as much as he did. But she feared
the day that his hopes would be shattered in pieces, the day they would
find out the truth about what had really happened to Samantha.
She loved him, but she knew she could never tell him. There were two
possibilities and both weren't too appealing. Either he would tell her he
really liked her, cared about her and loved her as a friend and sister, blah,
blah, blah, but didn't love her like the way she loved him. Or and maybe that
would even be worse, he would return her feelings, but they wouldn't be
able to act on them, because it would be used against them.
So she didn't do anything, she kept going on like she always had. Cherished
every touch and meaningful look they shared. The special friendship they
had and hoped that he wouldn't meet somebody that would be able to share
the only thing she couldn't share with him. Love ...
With a sigh, she stopped staring in her cup of coffee and decided there was
no use in sitting here all night, feeling sorry for herself. It was kind of
pathetic when you thought of it, sitting home alone on a Saturday night,
without anything better to do than going over a couple of old cases. She
wondered what Mulder would be doing right now .... Oh quit it Dana, she
told herself. Another deep sigh and she got up from the couch and moved to
her computer.
Might as well get some work done, she didn't have anything better to do
anyway. Turning the computer on and logging in, she changed her mind and
decided to surf around on the net for a while, instead of working.
She looked around in a couple of chat rooms, but couldn't find anything
interesting. She was about to log off, when she saw another one, called
"Chat in the Darkness". Oh well, one more minute wouldn't hurt, she
decided, double clicking on the website address. Not realizing that one
minute was about to change her whole life.
End of part 1
So close, yet so far away ... (2/4)
He would never admit it, but if he was honest with himself, he WAS
addicted. There was no better word for it. Addicted, the description in the
dictionary said: compulsively or physiologically dependent on something
habit-forming. Synonyms: devoted and dedicated.
It was the right description. He was indeed dependent, to be honest, he
wouldn't know what he would do without. It was something he needed,
couldn't do without her anymore. Devoted would be the right word too,
devoted and dedicated to something that had quickly become very important
in his life.
He still remembered the day she had come into his life. He had never seen
anything like her, the first few weeks he hadn't been able to take his eyes
off her. He would wake at night and get out of bed, just to take a quick
look, to see how she was doing.
With time passing, the addiction faded a little. There was more in life
than her alone, but she remained important. Coming home after a long day at
work, she would be there and thanks to her he could forget about everything
for a while. Lost in their own world, his and hers.
Yes, Fox Mulder had allowed himself to become addicted to something he had
sworn he would never get addicted to. His ... computer.
He was sure that Scully would laugh at him, when she would find out that
instead of going out with Candy this or Nancy that, like he had told her,
he was at home. Sitting behind his computer, surfing around the net.
The thing he loved the most about the internet was that it allowed you to
remain anonymous. Nobody would ever find out your real identity, unless you
wanted them to find out. They didn't know him, so they couldn't judge him,
wouldn't laugh about his silly beliefs and wouldn't call him Spooky. You
could talk when you felt like it and could only listen when you didn't feel
like talking.
Sometimes it really helped to ask a stranger, who didn't know the facts
about his complicated relationship with his partner. And complicated it was
indeed. One day she walked in and turned his world upside down. He knew he
loved her, was in love with her, and he knew he would never be able to tell
her.
The person who had lost so much because of him. Who was, for some reason,
still sticking with him. When he told her to leave the X-files behind her,
to go be a doctor, she had told him she couldn't. She could be a doctor
anytime, she needed to find the truth as much as he did.
Never, not for one second, she had blamed him for her losses. He didn't
know why, but he had promised himself that no matter what (even if she
would be in love with him, what seemed unthinkable to him) he would never
tell her the truth about his feelings. She would never know, because he
didn't want her to hurt more than she already did.
Maybe one day she would find somebody who could give her everything he
couldn't give her. Love (he could, if it was an option), happiness (he
would do anything to make her happy) and so much more. And he feared the
moment that day would come, because he knew that once it arrived, his heart
would break into a million pieces, and he would never be able to pick them
all up on his own and glue them together.
After Mulder had explained the situation to an old friend, he had told
Mulder: "Geez men, you're making more out of this than it is. Just tell her
and see what happens. No is what you have and who knows what you'll get
instead of that." The friend hadn't known what he had been talking about.
When he had talked to a few friends he met through the internet, they did
understand. Maybe they were more like him, maybe they had been in the same
situation or maybe they just understood better. A wise person wrote to him:
"It is obvious that you love her very much. But your head tells you you
can't tell her, the fear of rejection and of losing her when you do is too
big at this moment. However, never underestimate the power of love, because
no matter how many times you think with your head, in the end the heart
will always win. And when the heart wins from the head, you'll find the
love that you thought you'd never have."
It would probably never happen, but it was a better advice than "Geez,
you're making more out of this than it is."
That night he came home from work, tired and groggily because he had been
stuck in the office on a Saturday thanks to having to finish an office
report for Skinner. Not in the mood for cooking anything at all, he picked
up the phone, ordered a pizza and turned on his computer. Hoping a little
chatting would change his mood for the better.
He wondered what Scully would be doing tonight? Probably something better
than sitting at home, behind her computer, chatting on the internet. With a
sigh, he logged in and surfed to one of his favorite chat rooms. Logging in
he noticed nobody was there at that moment.
he thought He was about to log off again, when somebody else entered the room.
Hmm, maybe he would stick around for a little bit longer, just to see who
it was.
End of part 2
So close, yet so far away .... (3/4)
They had surfed into each other in a chat room on the internet, a couple of
weeks ago. In the beginning they had been careful, not wanting to tell too
much about themselves, but after chatting the night away, they decided to
exchange e-mail addresses and stay in contact with each other.
Which is what they had been doing for the last couple of weeks. Scully
found that she could talk about everything with him, he would always find
the right things to say. He even knew that she was in love with her
partner, but hadn't told him. Not yet, at least.
He didn't ask her why she didn't just tell him. Somebody had once told her
that love shouldn't be complicated, it was just something you should enjoy.
"Don't think, just do and you'll see where it will get you," the advice had
been. Easily said, considering the fact that that friend was the complete
opposite of Scully.
Her friend was somebody who lived life to the max as she always said.
Scully was different, more silent. Not as open about her feelings as her
friend was. She didn't fall in love, break up and fall in love again in one
week time. Six years ago she had fallen hard and ever since that time she
had been in love with the same person. Without telling him. Because she
couldn't. He wouldn't return her feelings and even if he would, they
couldn't deepen their relationship, because they were partners.
Her e-mail friend (Lost Lover as he called himself) completely understood
what she was going through. To his own surprise he had told her the
meaning behind his net name. About the woman he was in love with, from the
moment she had walked into his life and into his heart. A woman he could
never have, for several reasons. A love, lost, before it had even had the
chance to start.
Lonely Lady (Scully's net name) listened to his stories about this special
person. She told him about the person she loved and couldn't love at the
same time. They promised each other several times that they would tell
them, but until now hadn't found the courage to do so yet.
Writing with each other, started to feel like talking with a good friend.
Their net friendship became closer and closer and they didn't keep many
secrets for the other anymore. Scully found herself hurrying home after
work, glad that she could go back to her computer to talk to him again.
Sometimes she wondered what it would be like to meet him in person. Just to
know what the other would be like. Would it be the same or would it be
disappointing? Why was it that for some reason her life always consisted of
possibilities and options instead of decisions taken and living the life
she really wanted to live?
One part of her was anxious to meet him, another part of her worried what
would happen if she did. What if it would be disappointing, or what if he
would be just like the person she expected him to be? What if she would like
him more than she thought, when she would meet him in reality? What about
Mulder if that would happen? Would she lose him? Of course you can't lose
what you don't even have in the first place, but still ... And why oh why
did her life always have to be full of what and if's?
Little did she know that her partner was having the exact same doubts. He
was still in love with Scully, but more and more these days his thoughts
were filled with the idea of meeting Lonely Lady in real life, wondering
what would happen between them if they would. It felt like cheating on
Scully, but how could you cheat on somebody you weren't even involved with?
All his ideas and thoughts went flying out of the window one afternoon, when
he discovered the truth he had never expected. Something that shouldn't have
happened, should have been impossible, but for some reason it hadn't been.
When realization hit him for the first time, he had been completely and
utterly shocked. After a long time the shock had faded away, replaced by
hope and disbelief. It couldn't be, how could they not have known?
When he thought of it now, it was so obvious that it was strange they hadn't
realized it before. Dreams and imaginations built on something that had been
a whole lot closer to home than they had ever known. But how exactly did he
find out?
End of part 3
So close, yet so far away ... (4/4)
In the end they had both decided that they did want to meet the other in
person. So one Saturday afternoon they had agreed to meet in a cafe they
both knew. They still weren't sure if it was such a good idea, but curiosity
won it in the end. She was already there when he arrived. At first he didn't
see her, she had told him she would be reading a book and a red rose would
be lying on the table she was sitting at.
His look had travelled through the cafe, looking for a woman with a book and
a rose. And had landed on a petite woman with red hair that looked a whole
lot like ... his partner? He had thought his eyes had been playing games
with him, that he thought he saw Scully because part of him still felt like
he was cheating on her. But taking a second and after that a third look had
only confirmed his suspicions. The woman waiting for him had indeed been no
less than his partner, special agent Dana Scully.
Bits and pieces of their conversations had come back into mind in a second
and had made things even more obvious.
* I work for the government *
* My job is not exactly ... normal, I guess the word is different *
* I come from a big family *
* When I was younger we used to move around a lot *
* I want to tell, but I can't. It would make things only more complicated *
* If anybody would ever find out, we would both be out of a job in no time *
* I love him, but he will never know *
Especially the last sentence had been repeating itself in his head like the
chorus in a song. * I love him, but he will never know. I love him, but he
will never know. I love him, but he will never know. *
She loved him? Like he loved her? The realization that she loved him too and
probably had as long as he had, had been too much at that moment. Instead of
walking to her, revealing his identity to her, he had done the opposite. He
had turned around and walked out of the cafe. That afternoon he had been
wandering around Washington for hours. Lost in his thoughts, thinking about
what he was going to do. By the time he came home he had his plans ready and
he knew exactly what he was going to do when he would see her again on
Monday.
THAT MONDAY
Scully wasn't exactly in a very good mood when she arrived at work Monday
morning. Most of the Saturday afternoon she had been sitting in a cafe,
waiting for somebody who hadn't even had the guts to show up. Somebody she
had expected more from than dumping her before he had even met her. Back at
home she had wrote him an e-mail, asking him why he hadn't been there. She
had been waiting for his answer all night and the whole Sunday, but didn't
get it. So much for prince Charming on a white horse, she thought
sarcastically.
Arriving in the basement office she and Mulder shared, Scully noticed Mulder
wasn't even there yet. Good, she wasn't in the mood to socialize anyway.
About 15 minutes later she started to wonder why Mulder hadn't shown up yet
and another 15 minutes later she began to worry. Her thoughts of calling him
or going to his apartment to see what was going on, were interrupted by a
knock on the door. Sighing, she got up and opened it. All she saw was part
of a face behind an enormous bouquet of red roses.
"Dana Scully?" The walking bouquet asked.
"Uhm ... yes. How can I help you?"
"Well, these flowers are for you. Would you please sign here?" An arm came
from behind the flowers and handed her a clipboard and a pen.
She quickly signed and he handed her the flowers. She sniffed and looked to
see if she could find a card. She wasn't disappointed. Walking back into the
office, she took out a small white envelope from the bouquet and opened it.
Taking out a card she read out loud * Sometimes you'll find something a lot
closer too home than you would expect. *
Huh? A lot closer too home? What would she find there? Why wasn't the card
signed, she couldn't find a name anywhere! Mulder chose that moment to walk
in.
"Morning, Scully!" He said cheerfully, immediately followed by "Wow, you
have an admirer Scully?"
He grinned when she, obviously still in shock, looked at the showers and
shook her head. "I have absolutely no idea who those flowers came from."
"Oh, so you have a secret admirer?" He teased, knowing all too well where
the flowers came from.
She sighed, frustrated. This was absolutely not her week. First the disaster
with Lost Lover and now this! It was that Lost Lover had no idea what she
did or where she worked, otherwise she would have thought that the flowers
came from him. If she only knew ...
Mulder didn't say anything else, just got himself a cup of coffee and
settled behind his computer. He saw Scully's frustration but wasn't going to
do anything about it. Not yet anyway!
Later that morning Mulder left again for a meeting with Skinner. Or so he
said. Right after he left, there was a knock on the door. Scully got up and
opened it. She didn't see anybody, but when she looked down, she saw a box
of chocolates with a red ribbon around it lying at her feet. She leaned down
to pick it up. Looking at it from every side she couldn't find any sign of a
sender.
Not again! Back at her desk she took off the ribbon and opened it. Inside of
the box, on top of her favorite chocolates, she found a little note saying
"Don't think love is lost, when it's right in front of you." But again no
name. This time however she put 1 and 1 together and realized that in some
way this had to be related to Lost Lover, because he had used the words love
and lost in their conversations more than once. For a second she wondered
how this was possible, because he had no idea where she worked, had he?
She didn't think so. Actually there could only be one person who ... Mulder?
No, he wouldn't do something like this would he? And how would Mulder know
that ...?
Her whirlwind of thoughts were interrupted by a voice behind her.
"Scully?"
She turned around when she heard his voice and the moment she looked in his
eyes, she knew it had been him all the time. He had been writing about lost
love and all the other things they had talked about in the last weeks. It
was Mulder who was in love with his partner ... Woah, wait a minute. Partner
as in ... Uhm ... She looked at him in total shock when she realized. "How
.... you ... I ... ???" She stuttered. The ability to form a whole sentence
seemed to have left her for now.
"Yes." Was all he simply said, walking closer to her, never losing eye
contact.
"Yes?"
"Yes, it was me. Yes, I know you had no idea. And neither did I by the way."
"You didn't? But how ...?" She found back part of her speech again.
"I didn't know it was you, until I saw you in that cafe Saturday."
"You were there?"
"I was and I am sorry for leaving without telling you that. But I have to
say that at that moment I had no idea you would be the one I was going to
meet there. But I needed time to think, to put all the pieces together and
think of what I was going to say to you."
"Hi would have been a good start." She joked, smiling widely, realizing what
this meant.
"I could have, but at that time I couldn't. First I realized it was you and
then I all of a sudden also realized all the things we talked about and what
that meant. I love you, Scully. I guess it was fate that we were in that
chat room at the same time. I always thought 'us' was something impossible,
something I could only dream of but never have. I guess I was wrong, at
least I hope I was, I want this as much as you do Scully and I know that
together we can make it work. We won't have to be lonely anymore. They won't
take this away from us, because we won't let them." He stroked her face with
his hand, wiping away the tears that fell from her eyes.
After a few minutes she spoke. "You weren't wrong Mulder. I ... I love you
too and I thought it wasn't possible either, but I guess we were wrong about
that."
He laughed and leaned down to claim her lips in a sweet kiss. Letting go
again he looked down at her and said with a smile "You think we will ever do
something the normal way?"
"Naah, normal would only be boring." She grinned, before she looked up and
found his lips again in another kiss.
The end
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