I don't really know where this story came from and it doesn't really
sound a damn thing like Chakotay, but he insisted I write it down anyway
before I could do the ten million things I have to do tonight. It's not
pretty and it's not nice but what the hell...

RESENTMENT
by YCD

Sure, I'll talk about it. Why the hell not? It isn't what everybody
thinks. I realize that everyone around here thinks I'm stupid -
especially Tuvok - but I can't believe you all could think I was that
stupid. Don't patronize me, I know what you mean even if it's not what
you said...

It's kind of funny how stupid you all think we are, because we used to
laugh about how stupid the crew was for never figuring it out. You know
which we. She and I. Back at the very beginning, before she got
overwhelmed with guilt or duty or whatever it was, we thought it was
hilarious the way everyone assumed we weren't doing anything just
because they never found any concrete evidence. Actually, she thought it
was funnier than I ever did. I never understood why we had to keep it a
secret. But it didn't bother me so much when it was "our secret," you
know? Only when I realized she intended for it always to be a secret,
which meant it was never going to go anywhere...

She enjoyed lying about it and seeing if she could get away with it.
Don't tell me she's not like that, I know better. She enjoyed lying to
Q, who's supposed to know everything. "There isn't another man." And I
had to play along, over and over. Hey, did you know? I bet she lied at
her physicals when you asked whether she was having sexual relations,
didn't she. Don't get huffy, she would have lied to Tuvok in a security
check. She sometimes blocked the bridge sensors when she was in my
quarters. You don't believe me, do you? She made sure we were so
careful; if she was scheduled to be in sickbay we didn't do anything for
a week. Go back and look at the DNA records and you'll see. All that
time she was sleeping with me, not a person aboard really suspected,
even when they all thought maybe...

See? I told you. Yes, Doctor, I lied to you too. Sorry. Hmm. I didn't
resent the lying, I resented how stupid it made me look. She could never
see it - she laughed at me when I told her everyone thought I was
mooning over her. She thought the lying was necessary. I'm still not
sure why; she had a whole bunch of reasons about regulations and crew
morale but none of them made that much sense. Crew morale couldn't
possibly have been worse than it got after we broke up. What do you
think? You're programmed with the whole damn Starfleet ethical database,
you must have some opinion. If you were captain of a starship and you
decided to have an affair with a member of your crew, would you insist
on keeping it a secret? Would that make it less of a breach of protocol?
Goddamn it! I know it isn't technically a breach of protocol! Try
telling her that...

I'm not angry. Well, I'm not angry at you. Sorry about that. Angry's not
the right word anyway. I'm frustrated. More than two years. It was
pretty much over when Seven came on board. Really since the first time
we encountered Borg, but I wasn't admitting it to myself then. Her? Nah.
She was relieved. By then she already wanted me out of her hair. The
funny thing is, I think she didn't want to give up the sex. That was the
one thing she thought we weren't supposed to do, but it was the last
thing she wanted to let go...

Don't ask me. I don't know. Actually, I think I do know why, but it
doesn't really have to do with sex so I'm probably wrong. I think she
thought that if we were lovers, I would develop expectations, or
something. That I would get possessive. She thought I would resent the
time she had to spend on the ship and the crew. Stupid. I had just as
many obligations as she did. Maybe she resented that. It doesn't matter.
She thought I would try to take her away from her duties, as if she
didn't trust me to know better...

Look, Doctor, you're a hologram with limited personal experience, I
don't expect you to see it the way I do. I'm not an experiment and
you're not a counselor. Could you keep your comments to yourself? All
right. Fine. You want to know the truth? Yes, I resented the amount of
time she spent on the ship and the crew. I resented it before we went to
bed together, when she was just my friend. Go ahead and tell me I'm
selfish, because it's irrelevant. I knew she was driving herself crazy -
we both saw where it ended up, with her going to the other extreme and
locking herself in her quarters for days on end because she couldn't
deal with any of it. Tuvok practically suggested that I try to get her
to come out of it, if you know what I mean. No, no, that was long after
it was over. By then I don't know if he knew or not. Well, yes it might
have, but I'm her first officer, not her - I don't even want to think
about what the word is! You think I never heard anyone say that about
me? The handful of people who suspected we might actually be doing it -
that she might actually do it, the high and mighty - the crewmembers who
thought maybe we did it thought I was stupidest of all...

When we were stranded together with that virus. I meant to tell you, it
was cute that you packed contraceptive boosters. No, she went ballistic
when she first saw them! Afterwards she thought you and Kes would be
able to tell, but neither of you said anything or put anything into our
records. I thought people would be able to tell just from looking at me.
Not smiling - the first few weeks after we got back, she wouldn't even
come near me. Of course I tried, but all I seemed to be able to do was
start arguments with her. Every time we talked she would tell me about
everyone else she needed to go see, and all the work she had to do, and
I would ask her to sit with me for a few minutes but it never lasted
very long. I was walking around with tears in my eyes. I'm sure she did
think I was being unreasonable but we'd been alone together for four
months - our relationship had changed. We were working more
collaboratively. It was hard for me to go back to my office and not be
able to yell out to her when I wanted her opinion on something. To have
to make appointments to see her! You think I'm unreasonable to have
resented that? It ended up not mattering because it changed...

The Kazon. It's funny - I thought that was going to be the end, I
thought it would be her excuse for deciding it was too dangerous or
whatever. Instead she gradually started relaxing around me. Then when we
ended up in that temporal disaster and wound up back on Earth three
hundred years ago, all of a sudden it seemed less important in the grand
scheme of things, you know? Q helped - the fact that he really didn't
seem to know. She thought that if we could get past him, we could get
past anyone. We really had a nice few months. Couldn't you tell? Wasn't
I walking around with a stupid smile on my face? I felt like I was...

Because she almost died. And then I guess I took it too far. I told her
how I felt - yes, but I don't think I was as intense, or something. I
never told her what it would mean to me to lose her. Something went
wrong that night. We were drinking wine and I was pouring my heart out,
and all of a sudden she started pulling back from me. Then that whole
mess with B'Elanna and Vorick and B'Elanna and Tom - that got to her in
some way I don't understand. I thought maybe it was Tuvok, she knows
that sooner or later he's going to have to deal with pon farr and he
might not survive it. I don't know if she feels some obligation, since
she blames herself for stranding him out here, if she thinks she should
have to...you know. But it was also B'Elanna and Tom getting together
and the crew knowing. I suggested to her that it might be time. She
slapped me down hard...

The Borg collective, that one was my fault. Stupid, stupid, stupid. She
was so distant, we hadn't made love in weeks, and I was angry and
lonely, and hurt - I wasn't thinking clearly. I can't believe she
couldn't see that. Actually I think she did see it, she just resented
it. The weakness more than what I did with Riley Frasier. Nothing was
ever the same after that. We tried, but she didn't try very hard, and
then she brought Seven on board, and all of a sudden Seven was her
companion on her holodeck excursions and on all the away teams...

What? Seven? Is she what this is all about? Oh, god, Doc. No, I don't
dislike her, I barely know her...you should be talking to the captain
about her, not me. Ha! Yes, it is funny. You not thinking you could talk
to the captain because she hasn't had a relationship for five years is
very, very funny. Unfortunately no one but me would get the joke. How
long have you...oh, so this is pretty recent...

Why don't you just tell her? Well, yes, that's always a risk, but I've
always believed that what you gain in love is greater than what you
risk...I think I told Neelix that once. Stupid. It's better to know. Do
you remember that time I asked you to check my memory engrams because I
found a long note I wrote to myself about a love affair I couldn't
remember? I wish I remembered, even if it ended terribly. That doesn't
sound much like me in the writing, though. I'm a terrible writer. I
wonder what she did to me that made me forget I was already in love...

It was. It had been over for awhile, but that didn't mean I wasn't still
in love. Not the breakup, why would I resent that? I'm the one who ended
it. Yes. Don't look so surprised. How long could you stand to live like
that? Actually not until after we got those letters from home. For a
minute all of a sudden, she sounded...open to something. She said some
pretty strange stuff about how Mark was her excuse for not having any
real relationships out here. Hmm? I don't remember. Something about how
she had plenty of time to decide. God. Angry isn't the word. I
was...Doctor, don't make me remember. I was happy. I was very happy.
Until I realized nothing had changed. Then I just couldn't stand it
anymore...

Don't ask me that. No. Listen, it's not that I wouldn't tell you, it's
that I don't want to tell me. Because I can't afford to. I need to have
a working relationship with her. Don't you understand? I can't afford to
hate her, but I have to hate her when you ask me that question. If I let
go of that, what's left...

Stop it. Don't analyze me. I know, I know, I know. No, I won't say it.
You know why. For the same reason you won't tell Seven. If you said it
to her and she rejected you, don't you think you'd try to talk yourself
out of the feeling? You'd do anything to believe you were wrong. No! I
don't wish I could take any of it back. I just sometimes wish I could
forget it, because I keep wanting to remember it. Doesn't some
civilization somewhere in your memory banks have a cure? Somebody must
have figured out a way...

Well, Doc, that can be your contribution to medicine. You can be the man
who cured lovesickness. The whole galaxy will thank you. I'll be your
guinea pig. We've already established that everyone thinks I'm stupid,
right? Sure I can prove it. My advice to you is to tell Seven, before
you start resenting her, because that never dies. You carry it around
with you and it keeps reminding you. I think the day I can stop
resenting Kathryn will be the day I finally stop...uh-uh. You're not
going to get me to say that. Maybe you could just cure resentment.