| 30 ways to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive." Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many." Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark 17 inch paper, 99 copies. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up." Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?" Practice making fax and modem noises. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.. type only in lowercase Dont use any punctuation either Repeat the following conversation a few times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." As much as possible, skip rather than walk. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. Ask people what gender they are. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Sit in the carpark at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". 15 Things You'd Never Know If It Weren't For the Movies 1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not. 2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. 3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. 4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society, and run an applications system that everyone is very familiar with. 5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 7. Radiation causes interesting mutations--not to your future children, but to you - right then and there - or, over a period of time until you finally go crazy and kill people. 8. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission, or anything else, at the age of 22. 9. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 10. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, all of which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. 11. During all police investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once. 12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread and one bunch of carrots complete with leafy tops. 13. It's easy to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 14. Once applied, makeup never rubs off - even while scuba diving or after fighting alien monsters. But only if you are beautiful. If you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear. Lincoln / Kennedy Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were name Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are comprised of fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Kennedy." Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln." Divorce Barbie A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates BaddTeddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00". The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?" "That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture .......... Stupid Criminals A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21. The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. ............. A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said OK and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. ------------------------------------------------- Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a bulge in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself. ------------------------------------------------- Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, I should of blown your (expletive) head off. The defendant paused, then quickly added, if I'd been the one that was there. The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence. ------------------------------------------------- Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.The first one shouted, Nobody move! When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. ------------------------------------------------- Cigars and Insurance A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in the fires. After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. Odds and Ends * A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station... * I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. * If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? * Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? * What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? * I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. * I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. * I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals. * Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor. Interesting Facts Interesting facts so you can impress your friends with your vast knowledge of the obscure... The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are members of the peach family. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupo- kaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina delos Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A." A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life" A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser, himself. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz." The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister. John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. back to the main page |
| Funnies:) These are some funny things that I have gotten in e-mails:) |