About Me

Becoming Catholic

I was baptized as a little girl. I was not literally a "cradle Catholic" because I was old enough to remember being baptized. Much of my grounding of my Catholic Faith was given to me in my convent primary school. The nuns there taught me what Love and Sacrifice are. Even as a little girl, I could see how selfless the nuns are and I have the deepest respect for them. They live very Christian lives and they left deep impressions on me.

The First Challenge to My Faith

The first challenge to my Faith came when I was about 13. I loved science, and I started questioning the existence of God. I had read on the "Big Bang Theory" and "the Evolution Theory" and wondered how these related to God's creation of the world in 6 days. I wondered if it was right to believe in God since I believed that there is no proof that God existed. I wondered "What is Faith?" It was a tough question for my small mind then. But then I managed to conclude after a lot of musings: "that's it! If it is easy to believe, then it wouldn't be called Faith!" But then i didn't have faith yet, even though I knew what it was. Then one day I went for Confession on Penitential Rites and there was this old priest with thick white beard and his bare feet rested up on another chair. I confided in him that I did not really believed in God and I couldn't see how He existed. He comforted me and held my hand securely and started telling me about the beautiful flowers and the wonders of the world, that someone must have made them exist. They did not just happen by themselves. I felt warm and nice talking with him. That experience with the priest reassured me that God did exist. I trusted him. He must have spent a lot of time talking with me because my mum asked me later "Why did you take so long for your confession? There is a long queue behind you! " I later somehow also concluded by myself after much musings that God must have caused the Big Bang and Evolution. Who knows, perhaps Adam and Eve were the apes that Charles Darwin talked about! No matter how superior science is, I was sure, it couldn’t explain everything, or even itself.

Teenage Challenges

After my Confirmation in Sec 2, I lost all chances of learning of the Catholic Faith. My knowledge of it then was merely basic. I entered a secular secondary school because there was no SAP convent school near my home.

Although I was active in a church youth choir, it did not have a spiritual director. The choir was a flock without a shepherd. We were just a bunch of kids gathering for choir practices in order to hang out somewhere. In fact, I was in danger of getting bad influences right within the church youth choir! There was hardly anything spiritual about the choir!

During that time when I was about 15, I was going through a teenage bad patch. Everything seemed to be going wrong, my studies, social life, and arguments with my parents. I didn’t know how to manage my life, and struggled with all the responsibilities as a teenager becoming independent. My studies suffered and my social skills were seriously lacking. I became lonely and depressed until my English teacher noticed and talked to me. Few days later, I found in the library, an autobiography of a Christian missionary woman. In it, she wrote about how she was abandoned by her mother into the orphanage. Nobody wanted to adopt her because she was an ugly child and she was passed from one foster family to another. But she found love in God and it gave meaning to her life. I felt that I identified with her in many ways but why I should be unhappy when someone worse off than me could live so happily? I felt better after that, remembering that I still had God to love me. I did a book review on this book saying how it inspired me and my English teacher wrote the comments “Good effort!” when she marked it. I am grateful for her encouragement and concern.

Agony as Organist

After I got in Junior College, I quit the youth choir because my mum wanted me to play the organ for the Chinese choir. For an agonizing 8 years, I regularly attended the 7.30 am Chinese Mass on Sundays. I sometimes cursed in the mornings for the Chinese Mass to be removed permanently. But I couldn’t quit because the choir needed me. The congregation of the Chinese was very small, only about a 100. I didn’t really appreciate what Mass was, and it was even worse that it was held in Chinese and at such deathly hours. I didn’t understand what went on during the Mass, because to me, Catholicism is an “English” religion and God never speaks to me in Chinese. I could only recognize the key words that signaled me to start playing music. And I often dozed during the homily. Already it was a chore to go to Mass, so it was sheer torture to attend that mass at such deathly hours. I was simply kept alert in Mass simply by enjoying organ playing. As you can guess, my spiritual life during my Junior College days was as good as non-existent.

Wandering in the Desert of NUS

When I entered NUS, I joined two ECAs, the Catholic Students' Society (CSS) and Guitar Ensemble NUS (GENUS). I was quite active in the CSS initially and was happy to found finally found a Catholic community. I even shared my feeling with them that I was a lost lamb that found its flock. But after mixing with the Catholics for a semester, I started to feel like a misfit. The people in there were very "kang dang" perhaps having come from Mission schools and Convent schools which are very "westernized" in culture. I was on the other hand was "cheena" in thinking, having come from traditional Chinese secondary school (SAP) and Chinese JC. I enjoyed the "Chinese" environment of GENUS more and subsequently stopped going for CSS gatherings. GENUS is the place where I found the friend who later became my Catholic soul mate (Eliza), and the man who became my husband.

But although my life in NUS was fulfilling and exciting in many ways, my soul was dry as the desert. One day in the last year of university, I went alone to attend a campus Mass. I sat alone behind. I had not attended campus Mass for two years since I dropped out of CSS. For no reason, I started to despair during Mass. I cried in my heart. I was very lost yet I knew not what to do. I felt worse seeing the Catholic students so happy among themselves. But I was out of their community. Why was it I couldn’t find a single good friend in a Catholic community? I had tried to fit in but couldn't. I felt so lonely and empty spiritually at that point but I had no Catholic friends that I could confide in.

I finally quit the Chinese choir in 2001. I was very glad to be relieved of this burden which I carried for 8 years.

A Christmas Different from the Rest

Came Christmas 2001, I started to feel something amiss. Every year I went caroling with a church choir, formerly the English choir, then the Chinese choir. This contributed to the "Christmassy" feeling I like. But since I was already out of the Chinese choir, what could I do this Christmas? I didn't know. Desperate, I called my friends to find out who was going caroling. But I had so few Catholic friends, I couldn't find any. Despaired again, I found myself turning to God. I prayed "Lord, what is Christmas without a Catholic community to celebrate in? I want to belong in some community in your Church and serve you with the community." It was a lonely Christmas.

After I got married and moved into my new home in Clementi, I started attending Holy Cross Church. I was delighted that they have a 12.15 pm mass, I am finally happy that I do not have to wake up in the deathly hours of the morning. It was July 2002 about 6-7 months after my desperate prayer to God. Now He was slowly revealing how he would answer my prayer.

God Reveals His Plan

I found Holy Cross Church vibrant compared to my ex-parish. I like the priests there. I enjoy their sermons and no longer doze off during the homilies.

My friend Eliza played a key role in my conversion of heart. She recently converted to Catholicism. (I played no part in her conversion). I was the one who earlier introduced her this parish Holy Cross Church within walking distance of her home. Now that she was the experienced parishioner here, she invited me to Little Rock Scripture Study. I enjoyed the course and it opened my eyes to the Word of God for the first time. I saw how the people are so devoted to studying the Word. Since then, I too developed a love for the Word of God. The members in the Bible Study were also inspiring. I came to know people who truly try to live the Word of God. I signed up for every subsequent course of LRSS after that.

Besides putting Eliza, Holy Cross Church and the Bible Study in my life, God had also put two friends from a Charismatic church in my life. I always hear them talking about their church and the Bible etc. Sometimes they ask me questions about the Catholic Faith. (Why must pray to Mary? What is the string of beads you have?) I could not answer them adequately. My knowledge of the Catholic Faith was really lacking. I was also curious about the church they come from and started wondering why we are so different in our ways of being Christian. So I started to read with a vengence on Christian History, General Christianity, apologetics, the Biblical basis of the Catholicism, etc. I prayed for the Gift of Knowledge hoping that I could learn more quickly to make up for my lost time. My reading made me know more about God and His Church. I had taken Catholicism for granted all these while and now I discover the wonders of Catholicism! Truly, the Holy Mother Church is the one Jesus founded. The Church of our Early Church Fathers. The One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church. I must thank Eliza for lending me the books Rome Sweet Home, Surprised by Truth and a book on the Rosary.

Touched by the Body of Christ

Also in October, I went for Shine Jesus Rally and for the first time, I felt the Presence of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. When the Blessed Sacrament was taken out for adoration, a strong feeling overwhelmed me. I felt so touched by His Presence that I started shedding tears. Eliza said I was "touched by the Holy Spirit". Subsequently I often feel this same sense of love and peace when in deep prayer and during the Holy Eucharist. Formerly this feeling was experienced when I was touched by my husband's love. Now I know that besides my husband, God also loves me!

The Change in Me

So many things happened at the same time to change my life, my attitude towards God. I remembered one day that I wrote a long email to God, filled with lots of questions to him. Then I decided that perhaps Eliza could help with some of the questions, so I snipped off the more intimate parts and emailed the rest to Eliza. But I didn’t do a clean job! Eliza read the whole email including the more intimate questions and replied back "Congratulations! I see you have now grown more spiritually mature! You are seeking to understand your Faith!" When I read this, it suddenly dawned on me, that I am now a far cry from what I used to be. I now know much better how I can really be Catholic. I have a relationship with God that I never used to have. I am able to love God. At that moment the Holy Spirit touched me again.

What has changed? Formerly I used to loath going for Mass but now I eagerly try to go for Mass as often as I can, even on weekdays. I understand now why the Mass is so special, so sacred. I ask God to guide me in the right path each time I meet a crossroad. I am more prayerful and I try my best, despite my human imperfections, to do the Will of God, knowing that whatever imperfections I have, He will make it perfect in his own way. I feel so humbled in his presence and I actively try to seek deeper into my Faith. I am also grateful to God for answering my prayer that I finally belong to a lively Catholic community. I am especially grateful that God gave me friends like Eliza (whose constant presence is my support), Saxon (always there for me to ask questions about the Church and Faith!) and Lloyd (who reminds me to love-love-love). Without them, I wouldn't have grown leaps and bounds in my Faith and relationship with God. Interestingly, I have known all 3 of them for many years and it is only recently that I truly come to appreciate the gems in them. What an irony that I thought I had no Catholic friends all along!

Gloria in Excelsis Deo!