Deep Sleep

by Gary W. Cantor

     Bert was a lifer in Japan.  Of course, he hadn�ft really planned it that way.  At first, he thought that he�fd live here for a few years and then go back home.  But, as is often the case, a few turned into five, then ten, then twenty, and finally, more than thirty.  Nevertheless, as time went on, he didn�ft have any serious regrets about the way things turned out.  On the contrary, for the most part he felt that almost everything had worked out pretty well for him.

     Armed with a Master�fs degree in English literature, he had started out teaching English in a language school for a pittance, and then, with some luck, he had gotten some part-time jobs at tiny colleges.  Then, after he had been in Japan for about five years he got his big break and was hired as a full-time faculty member at a women�fs college.  From that point on, the years just seemed to roll along at a faster and faster pace, and before long he had gotten married, bought a house, and raised a family.

     When his two kids, who were twins, grew up, they went off to college in America.  At the time, Bert was fifty-five years old, and from that time on, he and his wife Etsuko wound up living all alone in their house.  But Bert didn�ft feel too bad about that.  Of course, he missed the kids.  But, he had always thought that their house was too small for four people, and with two it seemed rather cozy.

     The latter part of Bert�fs fifties were actually pretty nice years.  He had become a well-respected member of his faculty at school, and for the first time in his life he allowed himself to do things that he had always wanted to do.  He traveled a lot, mainly in other Asian countries, and feeling less pressure at work, spent a lot of his evenings reading books for pleasure and painting.

      However, something changed after his sixtieth birthday, and to Bert it was an unexpected change.  He had never been one to fret about growing old, and he even tended to think of himself as an eternal optimist.  However, on the day of his birthday, when he got home from work and Etsuko handed him a card that included the words �gHappy Sixtieth,�h something happened to him.  �gSixty,�h he said under his breath.  And suddenly, the realization that the end might not be too far off hit him like a bolt of lightning.

     From that day forward, little things reminded Bert of his advanced age and  mortality, and began to cause him great distress.  For example, at a meeting at his college shortly after his birthday, everyone received a chart indicating the ages of all faculty members and the years that they would retire; Bert frowned when he saw that his name was at the top of the �gnext to retire�h list.  And then there was the daily gateball game that he saw elders playing as he strolled to the train station in the morning.  Bert would watch the old men and women move gingerly around while engaged in this croquet-like game and would mutter �gI�fm not far from these games, either.�h  And articles in the daily newspapers about the lives of the elderly and the aging of Japan began to grate on Bert�fs nerves; so much so that he eventually stopped reading the papers.

     However, more than anything else, it was a place called Sakataya that Bert found distressing.  Sakataya was a funeral home, and Bert had to pass it on his way to and from the train station every day.  It was a large structure, and was effectively divided into two sections.  In one section, which was essentially one enormous room, religious articles, including tiny statues and large Buddhist altars, sat on a dull cement floor.  This room could be seen from outside through large plate glass windows, and Bert often peered in on his way to or from work.  The other part of Sakataya was where services were held, and it was often the case that as Bert was heading home from the train station in the evening, someone�fs otsuya, or wake, was about to start or was already in progress.  He would know this for two reasons.  First, it was obvious because of all the people who were heading toward or loitering outside the funeral home dressed in black.  In addition, though, whenever there was a service at Sakataya, a wealth of signs depicting the name of the family of the deceased emerged throughout the neighborhood and pointed mourners in the proper direction.

     Sakataya had been in operation long before Bert and his family moved into their home, and for a long time it hadn�ft really bothered him very much.  In fact, for years, he enjoyed testing his Japanese by looking at the signs that were posted for mourners and seeing if he could read the kanji that indicated the various family names.  Some, like Mori, Yamamoto, Ishii, and the like were rather easy to read.  However, occasionally, names were constructed from rather difficult kanji, and Bert would remember them and ask Etsuko how they were read.  And there were strange names, too, some of which Bert found interesting.  Once, he saw the name Senbon, along with the furigana that indicated how it was read, and wondered if it meant what it seemed to ? a thousand bottles.  So, he showed it to Etsuko and she laughed.

    �gI guess so,�h she said.  �gIt must be an unusual name.�h

     After that day, Bert thought about that name for a long time and wondered how it might have originated, but he never figured it out and never met anyone with the same name, either.

     At any rate, for years Sakataya was of relatively little significance to Bert.  However, after the shock of turning sixty, that changed, and from that point on every time he passed it, or saw mourners, or even the signs indicating the names of those who had died, he would grimace and become gripped by depressing thoughts of his own demise.

     It got so bad that a few times he walked home a roundabout way in an attempt to  avoid those dreaded thoughts.  However, this made his walk a lot longer, and it didn�ft do any good either, for in avoiding Sakataya he would think about it even more.  So, he gave up and resigned himself to feeling utterly miserable for a few minutes every evening on his way home from work.

     This obsession with age and mortality and Sakataya went on for over three years.  Then, one day, Bert had an experience that put all of this to rest.

     He was on his way home on a very crowded train, and was completely exhausted.  As usual, there was no place to sit, so he hung on to a strap that was attached to the ceiling of the train, and let his mind wander.  He thought about work, then his kids, and then finally Etsuko.  As he thought, he felt a little bit jealous of Etsuko�fs seemingly eternal youth.  She was only a few years younger than Bert, but Bert thought that she looked about twenty years younger than himself.  Maybe she resents being married to an old man like me, he thought.  A tired frown appeared on his face.

     He stood and thought such thoughts for about fifteen minutes, and then got a little lucky.  A seat opened up in front of him and he quickly fell into it.  Now his mood lightened a bit and he closed his eyes and saw all sorts of images dance within his mind�fs eye: there was his childhood home, his sister that he hadn�ft seen in years, a high school teacher that he had been fond of, and then finally his parents, who seemed to be about forty years old.  A smile appeared on Bert�fs face, and he slowly fell asleep.  He slept, and he slept, and he slept, and �c

      The next thing he knew, Bert was looking down.  But he wasn�ft standing.  Rather, he was floating in mid-air, and was naturally surprised by the fact that he wasn�ft falling.  He looked at his feet and his arms and realized that his body was intact.  What�fs going on, he thought.  Then, he focused on the large group of people that sat and stood below him.  All of them were dressed in black.  A strange feeling engulfed him, and he willed himself down a bit so that he could focus on the people that were in his field of vision.  They were all people that he knew: he saw some of his colleagues, a few people from the neighborhood, a couple of guys that he used to bowl with, and then, last of all, there was Etsuko.

     Bert shook his head a few times and thought that that would bring him out of what he considered to be a very bizarre dream.  But nothing happened.

     Suddenly, he heard someone utter,  �gIt�fs not a dream,�h  and Bert turned around to see who it was.

     Another floating body slowly approached him.  �gMy name is Tanaka,�h the man said.  He had a bald head and a smile filled with shiny white teeth.  �gYou�fre dead.�h

     �gWhat?�h

     �gYou died yesterday.  I heard that you fell asleep on a crowded train and nobody even noticed that you had died for five hours.  Tokyo commuters are like that.�h

     �gIs this what I think it is?�h Bert asked, a little bit frightened.

     �gYes,�h Tanaka said.  �gThis is your otsuya.  It just started.�h

     �gI see.�h

     Then, after a slight hesitation, Bert asked Tanaka something else that was on his mind.

     �gIs this by any chance Sakataya?�h

     �gYes, it is.  Nice place isn�ft it?�h

     �gYes, not bad.  It�fs the first time I�fve ever been inside.�h

     Then, after another pause, Bert asked another question.

     �gExcuse me for asking, but what are you doing here?�h

     �gThe same thing you are.  Just looking.  You see, after we die we just float around here until we go off to our final destination.�h

     �gOur final destination?  Where�fs that?�h

     �gI wish I knew.  I�fve heard rumors, but one can never be certain.  Anyway, don�ft worry about it.  We just float around and get a chance to look at things from another perspective until we�fre called.  Then we go.  Do you want to meet some of my friends?�h

     Bert didn�ft answer.  But, for some reason he felt a little bit calmer than he had before talking to Tanaka.

     Tanaka glided slowly away from him, and then came back with three other men.

     �gHello, I�fm Ichiro Yoshimoto,�h said one, in very formal Japanese.  Bert nodded and then was greeted by the other two.

     �gI�fm Hiroshi Sato,�h said a thin man with thick white hair.

     �gI�fm Jiro Senbon.  Nice to meet you,�h said the other.

     �gDid you say Senbon?�h  Bert asked, with a grin on his face.

     �gYes,�h his new acquaintance said.  �gA lot of people laugh when they hear my name.  But, as they say, what�fs in a name?�h

     Bert nodded and the five of them made small talk for a while.  Then, Bert looked down and studied the scene below him.  He observed that one after the other, his ex-colleagues and neighbors went through exactly the same ritual.  First, each walked up to a table that stood in the front of the room, placed incense in a jar that stood atop the table, and placed his or her hands together in prayer.  Then, after a short moment of meditation, each mourner walked over to Etsuko, bowed, conveyed a few words of condolence, and then, after bowing once again, walked away.

     As he watched the scene, Bert became curious about something.

     �gHey,�h he said, �gI�fm not Buddhist.  Why am I having a Buddhist ceremony?�h

     �gThat was your wife�fs idea,�h Tanaka said.  �gYou hadn�ft made any other plans, and she told the owner of this place that you didn�ft really practice any religion, but that you were interested in Buddhism.  So, they decided on a simple Buddhist service.  The funeral�fs tomorrow.�h

     �gOh.  By the way, how do you know all of that?�h

     �gThat�fs what we do.  We watch and listen.  There�fs nothing else to do.�h

     At that point, Bert started to feel a little bit lonely.  He realized that he hadn�ft said a proper goodbye to Etsuko, and wondered if he could communicate with her now that he was dead.  So, he started to drift slowly down in her direction.

     �gWhere are you going?�h Senbon asked.

     �gI want to say something to my wife.  I want to say goodbye to her.�h

     �gOh, she can�ft hear you now.  You�fll just have to wait.�h

     �gWait?  Do you know how long?�h

     �gNo.  But probably quite a while.  We usually hear about the ones who are coming soon.  We heard about you a month ago.�h

     �gBut what if I�fve already gone to my final destination?  Then I may never get to say goodbye to her.�h

     Senbon said nothing.  He just looked at Bert with moist eyes and nodded.

     A terrible sense of loneliness fell upon Bert.  It was similar to how he felt as a kid when he went off to summer camp for the first time.  He thought of that day and then looked at Etsuko.  She was bowing deeply and talking to a man from the neighborhood.  It was Mr. Hayakawa, who ran the futon shop near their house.

     As he watched, Bert felt that he just had to be near his wife.  So he glided toward her and then slid between her and Mr. Hayakawa.

     �gCome back!�h  yelled Senbon.  �gThere�fs something I want to talk to you about.�h

     Senbon raced toward Bert, but Bert ignored him and looked into Etsuko�fs eyes.  They�fre beautiful, he thought.

     Just then, he heard Hayakawa say something that he hadn�ft anticipated.

     �gWell, anyway,�h his old neighbor said softly,  �gat least now we don�ft have to sneak around so much.  For years I�fve been worried about him coming home early and catching us in bed.�h

     Etsuko kept a straight face and responded softly while bowing.

     �gYes, it will be easier now,�h she whispered. �gThank you for coming.�h  And then, Hayakawa moved away.

     Bert was heartbroken.

     �gI tried to warn you,�h said Senbon.  �gThese things happen.�h  But then, he grinned and tapped Bert on the shoulder.

     �gThere�fs good news, though,�h he said.  �gGuess who�fs joining us next week?�h

     �gHayakawa?�h

     �gThat�fs right.�h  And Senbon gave Bert the thumbs up.

     �gI can�ft wait,�h Bert said.  �gOh, revenge can be so sweet.�h

     With that, Bert and Senbon floated back toward Tanaka and Sato and Yoshimoto.  And as the five of them talked, Bert felt great sadness and anger in his heart.   But after a while, a pleasant thought found its way into his mind.  These guys might turn out to be really good friends, he thought.  Then, he grinned, and turning his head to the left, and then up, started to think about his �gfinal destination.�h