Author: Chauni
Email: Asukalangley2nd@yahoo.com
Website: www.oocities.org/asukalangley2nd/
Warnings: Shonen-ai, Duo’s POV, Slight Heero insanity
Disclaimer: Nope, don’t own the G-boys, and nope, made no money off this…blah.
My room is dark, along with the rest of the apartment. I would like to say that this is an odd thing, but considering how it is now three in the morning, I suppose it doesn’t sound so out of place. I’m staring at the ceiling, but there isn’t much to see through the blackness. I sigh, realizing this is turning into yet another sleepless night. They are coming more and more frequently lately, and I am starting to grow concerned.
However, in the room across from mine, the person there has absolutely no problem sleeping. I must admit I am a tad jealous, missing my eluding slumber more than I ever could have thought of. I hear the rustle of sheets through the thick silence as he turns over, murmuring some incoherent, sleepy phrase.
I try to get into some semi-comfortable position and once again, my mind wanders. It’s been two years since we’ve met up with the others. I hear that Trowa and Quatre are living together in a cozy little apartment here on Earth, blissful as can be. Wufie is off doing Wufie things, being his usual serious self, I’m sure. In a nutshell, everyone is happy and content.
Which leaves Heero and I. In an agreement of my own devise, we moved into this cozy, two-bedroom apartment. It is nice having a roommate, but sometimes I wish I had chosen a more social partner. Granted, Heero’s company is great and all, but he’s so damn cold and quiet!
The thoughts tumble in my head, rolling aimlessly around, as if in a clothes dryer. I finally feel the edges of sleep begin to fade in when I hear a scream from the next room. It is primal and wordless, one of pure horror. I leap from my bed, get tangled in the sheets and promptly fall flat onto my face.
I groan as I rise to my feet, rubbing my suddenly sore jaw. I slowly feel my way out of my room and flip the switch to the hall light, the immediate radiance robbing me of all sight for a moment. I blink repeatedly as another scream fills the air again. I quickly remember the urgency of my task and throw open Heero’s door, the light flooding in and bathing everything.
As I run in I fall again, tripping over a pile of clothes that had been carelessly strewn onto the floor. I grunt as I connect with the hard wood, my jaw feeling the brunt of it once more. I hurry and get to my knees, crawling the last five feet to his bed. I climb my way up and finally sit on it.
I can hear his tossing and turning, the way the sheets rustle with each movement he makes. His breathing is harsh and ragged, coming in quick tortured pants. His left hand strikes my chest as he flails unconsciously, while his lips slur incomprehensible words and phrases. His hair is matted against his sweaty brow while streaks of old tears like dried riverbeds are plain upon his cheeks, with more tears clinging to his long, thick black eyelashes.
I brush a shaking hand against his hot face and pull it back as soon as I see his eyes open suddenly wide. In an instant, he’s sitting straight up, screaming the word, “No”, in a voice that could barely be described as human. His body trembles as if he is naked in the middle of winter.
I reach over and touch his bare shoulder and in another quick movement, his head swings to me, his captivating cobalt eyes still wide. His face is filled with horror, and then collapses into one of absolute desolation. I open my arms to him and he falls into them, crying against my chest.
I am taken aback for a moment, purely astounded. I have never seen this side of him before and I am completely flustered. He seems so vulnerable, delicate, child-like. My arms tighten around his shuddering form, lightly squeezing, and his sobs begin anew. I start rocking him back and forth slowly, gradually calming him down.
After ten minutes, his breathing has steadied and his eyes are dry, which is more than I can say for my shirt. Suddenly, he roughly pushes me away and turns his back to me.
“Are you all right?” I ask, a little tentative. I could see where this was going.
“Yes.” His voice cracks slightly but remains unwavering. “Go back to bed.”
“But-“ I try, extending a hand.
He whirls around, knocking my hand away. His eyes are narrowed, his teeth slightly bared. “I told you I am fine! Now leave me alone!”
I don’t think he can hear my sigh as I rise from the bed. Just before I leave the room, I give him one last look over my shoulder. He has drawn his knees up to his chest, his chin lying atop them. The anger that had been clear in his eyes has disappeared, replaced with a confused and lonely look. I almost walk back to the bed, but chose against it.
I make my way back to my bed, plopping down atop all the blankets. So, another sleepless night, I think and distantly begin to notice that I am becoming an insomniac.
The next day has a clumsy feel to it. Still exhausted from lack of sleep, I somehow manage to make myself a cup of coffee. No matter how much I try, though, I can never get my coffee to taste as good as Quatre’s. I look over at Heero, who sits across the table from me. His tired eyes blankly stare out a nearby window. I figure he is embarrassed for his nightmare last night, for his sudden weakness, if even for a moment. My thoughts are confirmed as he rises, mutters something barely audible, and walks into his room, shutting and locking the door behind him.
At least he got sleep, I think, taking another sip of the coffee, which tastes and looks like hot tar. Where is Quatre when you need him?
I don’t even bother to remain in my bed tonight. Instead, I sit on the couch by the large window that overlooks the city. The lights remind me of jewels, more sparkling than any ruby or sapphire I have ever seen. The stars are diamonds in a sea of black, with the moon a gleaming white pearl. I smile at myself, a little surprised at my metaphor. Hmm, maybe I should have been a poet instead of a Gundam pilot.
I blink, and even though it only felt as if a second had passed, I glance at the clock and note that it has been an hour. I get comfortable on the couch, stretching out, and close my eyes. I push my lengthy brown braid over my shoulder, a small grin playing over my lips. Finally, sleep!
My eyes slip shut, a peaceful calm settling over me for the first time in weeks. A sigh passes through my parted lips, and I feel the beginnings of sleep taking me over.
I sit in Deathscythe, my Gundam, feeling panicked and closed in like a rapid caged dog. My eyes flash everywhere at once, attempting to take in my situation. My heart races as I realize it doesn’t look good.
Mobile Suits completely surround me in this desolate field, all weapons aimed directly at my suit. I want to run, to go somewhere, but I am frozen, unable to move an inch. I feel the sweat on my brow as it begins to trickle down the side of my pale face, the bitter smell of my fear hanging in the air. My eyes scavenge the area, looking for somewhere to run if I can regain the ability to move, but I am encircled.
The Mobile Suits in front of me move aside as someone new joins the fray. A relieved smile appears on my lips as I see it is Heero in his Gundam, not at all concerned over the fact that all the Mobile Suits parted willingly for him, with no fight or confrontation whatsoever.
“Heero!” I call out, my voice being the only thing functioning at the present moment. “Boy, am I glad to see you!”
He says nothing and suddenly I can see through his Gundam, straight through the machine. His hypnotizing eyes are expressionless, his dark hair dangling in them. His lips are hosting a strange smile, as if all sanity had abandoned ship a long time ago.
All I want at this point is to back away, but my body is rebellious, still locked into the same sitting compliant position. I have never seen that look in someone before, something so wild and eccentric. Fear unlike any I have ever known begins to flow like ice through my veins.
Suddenly, in almost an unwilling and jerky movement, his buster rifle is leveled at me. I swear I can see my death down the cold black barrel, waiting. I watch as the finger of the Gundam tightens and I can literally feel the energy flowing as the gun powers up.
And still I can’t move.
“Heero!” I scream.
His eyes narrow while his smile grows, more maddening than before.
Light and his insane laughter envelop the world.
My eyes fly open as the ground is rushing up to meet me. I land with a familiar grunt as I find myself lying facedown on the wooden floor of the living room. I groan as familiar pain floods my jaw. The dream is still fresh in my mind, and I sit up shakily. My bangs are matted against the wet flesh of my forehead and my breath is ragged and labored. Slowly, I pull my knees to my chest, encircling them with my arms, and dive deep into the numerous notions flying through my head.
My head snaps up and all thoughts leave my mind as I hear Heero scream from his room. I jump to my feet and run to the source, flipping the hall light switch to give me some sight.
Heero is sitting straight up, panting. His eyes are wild and rapid, flying everywhere at once. Sweat glistens on his naked chest and arms and even from the doorway, I can see that his pillow is wet with it as well. His thin frame shakes violently as he continues to gather his bearings.
He doesn’t recognize me as I step into his room. His eyes flash to me, confused and frightened, plainly questioning my relation to him. I open my arms in a friendly gesture, trying to look as calm and collect as possible. The feat is near impossible; the realistic nature of my own nightmare is still clear in my mind and Heero looks too terrified to be alive.
Suddenly, his breathing slows and recollection floods his cobalt eyes. He sees the concerned look on my face and then runs a hand over the sweat that covers his chest. His body continues to shudder slightly, barely evident in the little light that shone in from the hallway.
“Are you all right?” I ask, tentative.
He is silent for a moment, as if trying to find the words that could answer. “Yes.”
I take a small step forward, watching him carefully. “Are you sure? I heard you scream and-“
“I said I’m fine,” he growls. Instinctly, his knees are drawn up to his chest. “Leave me alone, Duo.”
I want to stand my ground this time, refusing to be shrugged off so easily. I take another step forward, more firmly this time. “This is the second night in a row you’ve woken up like this. Are you sure there isn’t something you want to talk about? You know, I’m a good listener and-”
His eyes are cold as they shoot up at me, narrowing. “I said leave me alone.”
“But Heero, I really would like to help you and-“
“Damnit, Duo!” he yells, teeth bared with animalistic intensity. “I want to be alone!” He climbs to his feet beside the bed, standing shakily at first.
I take a step closer to him, reaching out an arm to help steady him.
His glare is one of pure rage as he shoves my helpful hand away, which makes me stumble back a step. He takes another unsteady footstep, and another, until he is standing before me, look of utter fury riding in those deep eyes of his.
He places his hands on my chest and shoves me into the hall with more force than I knew he could possess in his current rickety state. My head flies back as I hit the wall, dazing me for a moment.
He’s upon me in a second, his face close to mine. Clenched in his left hand is the front of the black shirt I wore to bed. His right hand is raised in a clenched fist, ready to strike me. I can see in his eyes that he is merely looking for an excuse to do it.
“When I say leave me alone,” he snarls, “I mean it, damnit!”
I raise my own hands in vain hope that he will take my friendly gesture as only that. My eyes are wide and open, showing him that I want nothing more than peace.
Upon realizing that he would get no fight from me, he releases his hold on my shirt and lightly shoves me back into the wall, my head striking it one more time. With as many injuries I have sustained in the last two days, I’m really surprised I don’t have a concussion.
Heero turns on his heel, not another sound passing through his tight lips, and stomps off into his room, roughly slamming the door shut behind him. I can hear the mattress shift as he lies down, and the sheets rustle as he makes several attempts at comfort.
I, on the other hand, slide down the wall until I’m sitting. My braid has made its way over my shoulder, and absentmindedly I begin to stroke it. I sigh for a moment, staring at the wooden door in front of me, wanting to knock on it and make another attempt on discovering Heero’s nightmares.
Common sense wins out and I climb to my feet, using the wall as support. Slowly, I make my way to my room, falling onto the bed in a weary heap. However, try as I do, sleep does not come and I watch as the merciless rays of sunlight conquer the darkness of night.
A sigh seeps through my lips. Is sleep too much to ask for?
Heero does not emerge once the next day, staying in his room the entire time. Throughout the apartment, I can hear the quiet whir of the computer and the repetitive clicking of the keyboard. I want to talk to him about last night, but I know I am not welcome. Normally, such a trivial thing would not deter me, but now just seems different.
I go out and do some shopping, hoping to keep my mind occupied. It works as well as my futile attempts at sleep lately. I end up at the grocery store, but Heero’s face keeps coming into my mind, the intense look in his eyes while his hand is raised and poised to strike me, the maddening smile he possessed in my dream.
I almost drop the head of lettuce in my hand as I realize I saw that side of him last night.
Suddenly, I didn’t want to go home for a long time.
It is near midnight when I finally walk through the door of the apartment. I had chosen against buying anything at the store, knowing that I would be traveling the streets most of the night and I didn’t want that kind of burden.
I more or less sneak into the living room, trying my hardest not to make a sound. All the lights are off, the room bathed in a darkness so deep it is as if I am blind. The apartment is silent; not even the sound of Heero on the computer can be heard. I sigh, a little relieved at the fact that he must be asleep.
I creep towards the hall, but before I can make it there, a lamp from the living room is suddenly switched on. I stop dead in my tracks, mid-stride, with one leg still in the air. I slowly turn my head, a large smile on my lips.
“I didn’t want to wake you,” I say, changing my position and standing normally. I nod and grin like an idiot, which I mentally kick myself for later.
Heero eyes are barely visible through the hair that falls into them. Shadows lick his body while he sits in the soft chair beside the bay window. His face is expressionless; his lips are set in a straight line. He sits so still that I can barely see his shirt move as he breathes.
“Don’t worry about waking me,” he replies, his voice dead. “I have been waiting for you.”
I stretch my arm behind my head and scratch it, continuing to smile as if I were caught in some criminal act. “Oh? Why is that?”
“I need to talk to you, Duo,” he answers, voice still unreadable.
I fake a yawn, my arms reaching into the air on either side of me. “Can’t it wait ‘til tomorrow? I’m really tired.”
“I thought of all the people who would want to talk, it would be you.”
I can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or truthful. From my standing place across the room, I attempt to look into his eyes, but shadows and hair continue to block my view. I growl inwardly, but keep the smile in place. “I suppose I have a minute. What can I do for you?”
He gestures for me to sit on the couch, but I shake my head, giving a quick nod to the hall and my room. He makes no movement, not a sigh or a shrug.
“The last few weeks have been…” He struggles to find the correct word. “Long.”
I nod, recalling his nightmare.
“I notice they have been for you as well,” he says.
I feign a look of shock and confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Drop the act, Duo,” he growls, the first sign of emotion. “I know you can’t sleep.”
I look away from him, a little sheepish, my smile faltering. “It’s the weather,” I mumble.
He shrugs, eyes sizing me up. “No, it’s not. You know what it is. It’s the same thing that’s wrong with me.”
My brow furrows, confused. “What are you talking about?”
“Do you think that your insomnia and my nightmares are a coincidence?” He tilts his head and I catch a glimpse of his eyes.
A lump appears in my throat as I see those vacant, expressionless eyes from my dream. I want to take a step backwards, but I am frozen by my own unconscious volition.
“It’s been two years since we’ve seen the others,” he says, almost distantly.
I nod, swallowing my lump, and find my voice. “Yeah. I miss them.”
“Do you know what we are, Duo?” His eyes drift out the window for a moment.
I shake my head, my braid swinging back and forth like an impatient cat tail.
“We are soldiers,” he states, eyes slowly moving back to me. “We are Gundam pilots.”
I shift, my heart gripped with panic. “We were,” I reply a little unsteadily. “There hasn’t been a war in two and a half years.”
Heero’s eyes narrow, his jaw clenching. “I know.” His voice is a snarl of pure rage. “We have no use any more, Duo.”
I take a step back. “What do you mean?”
“We were born to fight.” His breathing is evened and steady in spite of the growing anger in his voice. “That was our purpose. We are soldiers.”
I watch as he rises from the chair and brushes the hair from his eyes with a free hand, the other kept behind his back. My eyes stare at the hidden hand, not liking the feeling I that was building inside me. “Without a war, what good are we? What reason is there for us to exist? We are obsolete, of absolutely no use to anyone.”
“But, Heero,” I attempt, “not everyone is a soldier, but they all still go on, happy with their lives. You don’t need to fight to exist!”
His eyes level at me. “I was born to battle, as were you, Shinigami. As Gundam pilots, fighting is all we can do, and you know this. That is why you can’t sleep, because you aren’t fulfilled. You aren’t doing the one thing that completed you.”
“Killing did not make me complete!” I yell.
“It wasn’t the killing,” he calmly states, disregarding the emotion in my voice. “It was the power. It was the fights. It was the primal instinct that you fed constantly and soon took you over and manifested itself within your soul. That instinct wants more.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” I say, almost scream.
“You do,” he says, taking a step closer. “Even as I say these things to you, you know they are the truth. Tell me, Duo, when did you experience true freedom? When did you feel the strongest?”
My mouth works, but no sound issues forth for a moment. Finally I answer softly, “In my Gundam.”
A slight smile touches the corners of his lips. “Exactly.”
“But that has nothing to do with anything!” I scream. “I can go on without fighting! I have a purpose! I don’t need my Gundam to survive!”
“Oh really?” Heero’s eyes glance me over. “You dream about it, don’t you? You dream about fighting in a war and dying a warrior’s way, don’t you? I can see it in your eyes that you do.”
I look away, disgusted. “They are dreams and nothing more.”
“Duo, we serve no point now! We are useless human beings with no calling and no reason to go on! Can’t you see this? Can’t you feel the emptiness within your own soul?”
I watch as both his arms go unconsciously up to articulate his point. In his right hand, held so tightly that his knuckles are white, is his sleek black gun. My eyes linger to it for a moment, then go back to his face.
“I can release us from this futile life,” he whispers, taking another step toward me. “We are together in this, Duo. As soldiers and as friends.”
I look to him for a moment, a million thoughts running through my head at once. I want to worry about myself, my life, and whether or not I will survive through the night, but I can’t. All I can think of is Heero, who is now brandishing the gun like a madman.
I want to help him. More than anything, I want to help him. I want to give him the strength to go on and live without the desire to destroy and fight, but honestly, some of the words he spoke rang true. I do feel empty without my Gundam and I did feel free within it.
I say the only thing I can think of. “This way is the coward’s way out.”
He stops for a moment, looking at me. “No, it’s not. It’s the only way to feel whole. It’s the freedom we both crave. Come with me, Duo.” He levels the gun with one hand at my chest. “We can both feel it again.”
I can do nothing but look at him, my eyes taking in the scared look that resides behind the coldness of his cobalt eyes. Within those eyes, behind the mask, I can see the shuddering frightened man of a few nights ago, the one that woke up crying after a nightmare. I can see the vulnerability within his deepest core, the part that no one can ever see.
His Gundam was his strength. The fighting was his mask. The killing was his power. He lost it all when peace won.
Suddenly, I free myself of the frozen state and take a solid step forward. I reach out and slowly push away his arm that held the gun; our eyes locked the entire time. I wait a second for the weapon to touch my temple and blow me away, but it does not come.
I take another step, my body close to his. I feel him shudder, then stop, attempting to be strong. I reach up and push the hair from his eyes, a small smile playing across my lips.
“That isn’t the way,” I whisper. “I am.”
With that, my lips brush his lightly. His eyes are wide and I can feel his muscles tense against mine.
I pull away, my eyes staring up at him. “Let me be your strength. Let me be your freedom. Let me be your reason to live.” My lips fall onto his with more power this time. “Because you are mine.”
I reach my arms around him tightly, and squeeze lovingly. I watch as tears form in his eyes and begin to fall in rivers down his cheeks. The gun clatters to the floor as he collapses in my arms, crying.
Gently, we both sink to our knees, my lips grazing the flesh of his forehead and cheeks the entire time. Finally, he looks up to me, delicate and open.
“I love you,” I whisper. “I always have.”
“I have no reason to go on,” he mutters, tears continuing their path down his cheeks. I can hear the disbelief in his own words, words that he does not know whether to believe yet.
“Let me be your reason,” I hiss. “Let me be your safety. Let me be the Gundam you miss and battles that you feel incomplete without. Let me complete you, Heero.”
With that, his lips meet mine, his eyes closing. My arms tighten for a moment, relieved with his own admission of emotion. Our kisses are long and passionate with no one to witness them but the sliver of moon outside and the gleaming stars.
And as I lay in my lover’s arms, I know I will be able to sleep tonight.