Author: Chauni

Email: ChauniMaxwell@mechpilot.com

Website: www.oocities.org/asukalangley2nd/

Warnings: OOC, Odd, AU, Comedic, Self-insertion

Disclaimer: I don’t own Bakurestsu Hunters, Slayers, or GW. Made not one dime off this, so no suing please.

Notes: Hiya, all! ^_^ I wrote this while I was at work one day (if that gives you any idea of what I do while I’m at work; heehee!)

First Annual Mr. Gundam Wing Beauty Pageant

(The stage is gorgeous, light streaming down from up above like an insane sun on the rampage. Red velvet curtains hang down on both sides, bunched up and back, tied together with a thick black velvet sash. The floor is a hard shining wood, polished down to a deep, rich brown, with a red velvet carpet lying smoothly atop it. The audience is murmuring restlessly in a darkened hall, all of them dressed richly.)

(Suddenly, upbeat music begins in the orchestra pit and the murmuring ceases while all eyes turn to the stage. A thin young man struts out onto stage, black hair mussed slightly, wearing an uncomfortable tuxedo. The smile on his face is strained, but a weird gleam rests deep in his wandering, eager eyes.)

(He clears his throat and begins.)

“Hello, and welcome to the ‘First Annual Mr. Gundam Wing Beauty Pageant’! I’m your host for the evening, the infamous Carrot Glaces!”

(His eyes go to the side of the stage.)

Carrot: Tell me why I am doing this again?

Chauni (batting her eyelashes): Because you told me you would. And anyway, you’ll like who the judges are.

(His smile returns to his lips and he sweeps an arm over a darkened corner of the stage.)

Carrot: Now, let’s introduce our judges! The first is renowned “Bandit Killer” and “Dragon Spook”! Don’t make a comment about her small breast size or you’ll taste her Dragon Slave! Please welcome, Lina Inverse!

(A bright light surrounds a small red haired young girl with matching crimson eyes. She smiles happily as the audience applauses, blushing and waving to all.)

(Carrot turns and looks offstage.)

Carrot: I thought you said I would like judges! I have larger breasts than this girl does!

(Crimson eyes flash as Lina hears the comment. She jumps on to the table that sits in front of her, rage written across her face.)

Lina (fireball glowing in her hand): What did you say?

Carrot: All right, and on to our next judge! She’s the princess of Seyruune and infamous “Sledgehammer of Justice”, Amelia Wil Tesla Seyrunne!

(Another beam of light erupts and this time it encases a young dark haired woman dressed in all white. She flashes a “V” sign with her fingers, smiles triumphantly and grabs the microphone in front of her.)

Amelia: Just remember, people with justice in their hearts and love in their eyes will always prevail!

Carrot: Um, sure, yeah, okay. Moving on! The next judge is all around nice girl, the one and only Sylphiel Nels Lahda!

(This time the light envelopes a quiet young woman with a high blush in her embarrassed cheeks as the crowd erupts into applause. She clasps her hands to her chest, long dark hair falling over her shoulders.)

Carrot: Hey there, gorgeous. Most people call me Carrot, but you can call me “The Love Machine.”

Sylphiel (blushing): Please, Mr. Carrot. I’m only doing this because Gourry dear asked me to.

Lina (slide long glace): Where is the Jellyfish Brain anyway?

Amelia: In the crowd, I think.

Carrot (clearing his throat): Anyway, last but not least, our final judge is Lina’s biggest rival, Naga the Serpent!

(The final light comes to life, this time encircling a woman with long dark hair, a smile grafted to her unknowing lips. She’s wearing a black leather bikini that barely covers the basketballs of her breasts with large spiked mantles on her shoulders.)

Carrot (eyes on her well-endowed proportions, mouth open and drooling): Oh my God! Make me your love slave!

Naga: OHOHOHOHOHOHO!

Chauni: Get back to the pageant!

Carrot (eyes still attached to Naga): But-but-

Chauni (growling): Do NOT make me call Tira and Chocolate.

Carrot (shivers): All right. Anyway, let’s introduce the contestants.

(Music suddenly swells and the lights that surrounded the judges disappear, much to the host’s apparent dismay. Suddenly, the noise dies away.)

Carrot: Our first contestant in the “First Annual Gundam Wing Pageant” is well known throughout the Gundam Wing audience. Often called “Shinigami”, “God of Death”, or “Braided Baka-“

Offstage: Hey! I resent that-

Chauni: Shut up!

Carrot: Here is Duo Maxwell!

(Out struts a smiling young man, amethyst eyes glistening, three-foot chestnut braid trailing him like a tail. He’s chosen his usual clothes of all black. He walks to Carrot and shakes his hand, friendly.)

Carrot: Good luck, Duo.

Duo: Luck? Ha! The Shinigami does not need luck! I know I’ll win this thing! And wait a minute, but what was that “Braided Baka” thing, anyway? I bet Heero told you to say that, didn’t he? That would be something that he would do, afterall-

Carrot (pushing him out of the way, strained smile on his lips): Thank you. Okay, our next contestant is the prince of the desert and all around gentle soul (too bad he doesn’t look like that other nice chick we had) Quatre Raberba Winner!

(A shy golden hair boy walks slowly out onto the stage, a high blush riding in his cheeks. His blue eyes gaze slowly at everything around him as he walks to Carrot and shakes his outstretched hand.)

Carrot: Good luck.

Quatre: Thank you so much. I hope you enjoy yourself.

Carrot: I’d be enjoying myself a lot more if I were back with Naga.

Naga: OHOHOHOHO!

Lina: Shut up, Naga!

Naga: OHOHO! You’re just jealous that my figure gets more attention than yours does.

Lina: Oh yeah? FIREBALL!

(A burst of light explodes, blinding everyone for a moment. Suddenly the smell of burnt hair is floating through the air and in the dimness, one can see a burnt, coughing Naga.)

Carrot (smile on his face): Let me kiss all your boo-boos, baby!

Lina: Will you shut up already?

Chauni: Introduce everyone else!

Carrot: But she’s hurt! I need to help her in her time of need!

Chauni: I’ll call Tira!

Carrot (sulking): Damn. All right. Next we have the infamous entertainer and stoic clown, Trowa Barton.

(The Heavyarms pilot walks out, brown hair jutting in front of him. He walks silently to Carrot and shakes his hand.)

Carrot: You better watch it with that hair. You might poke someone’s eye out!

Trowa: …

Carrot: You know, you don’t seem much like a clown.

Trowa: …

Carrot (watching Trowa’s retreating form for a moment, then turning back to the audience): All right, next we have the quiet Perfect Soldier and (snicker) “Heart of the Universe”, Heero Yuy!

(Out walks Heero, dark tousled hair dangling into frigid cobalt eyes. His green tanktop hangs off his thin frame while his spandex shorts cling to his body. He walks to Carrot, but refuses his handshake.)

Carrot: Good luck, (snicker) “Heart of the Universe”.

Heero: Don’t call me that.

Carrot: What? “Heart of the Universe?” (snicker)

Heero (glare): Omae o Korosu

Carrot (gulps as Heero walks away and stands next to a talking Duo): Next we have the Gundam’s version of the Sledgehammer of Justice and morally uptight guy, Wufei Chang!

(Wufei stomps out on stage, glaring. A tight blue shirt sculpts itself to his chest, Chinese dragon blazing across it, while white baggy pants hang off his frame and tighten around his ankles. Still glowering, he makes his way to Carrot.)

Carrot: Good luck, Wufei.

Wufei: I am not morally uptight! How dare you call me that! I will have my revenge! How did I get dragged to this thing anyway? It was that “woman”, Chauni! Damn her! I will have my justice!

Carrot (questioning look at Wufei’s retreating form): Um, okay. And last, but not least, we have the local “Birdman”, Zechs Merquise!

(Zechs walks out, long hair flying behind him, birdlike mask gleaming in the lights. From behind the mask, Carrot can feel the look of death he was receiving and shrinks away.)

Carrot: Um, good luck?

Zechs (glare): I told you before, do not call me Birdman.

Carrot: Eep!

Zechs (walking away): That’s better.

Carrot (looking back over at the judges): Hey, Naga? How are you doing, baby? Do you need The Love Machine to make you feel better?

Chauni: Carrot, I have the girls on speed dial.

Carrot (gulp, then turns back to the crowd): All right! Now that we have met our contestants, let’s get started. First, we’ll get on to the Swimsuit competition.

(The audience erupts with applause and a few women shrieking in elation. The contestants are all lead behind stage.)

Carrot (mumbling): Of course I didn’t read the fine print at the bottom of the contract. “Do a Beauty Pageant”, she said, “Come on, Carrot,” she said. She never said it would be a bunch of guys!

Chauni (from behind stage): Will you stop complaining?

Carrot: Show me Naga again and I might.

Chauni: Start the swimsuit competition already!

Carrot: Alright! Well, everyone, let’s start with the swimsuit portion of the evening, even though I would rather just skip it. (clears throat) Anyway, here’s our first competitor in a nice little black number, Duo Maxwell.

(The Deathscythe pilot struts out in shiny black bathing trunks and nothing else, smiling and waving. He stops to wave to the cheering ecstatic crowd, posing for them. He walks to Carrot, bare feet padding softly against the floor.)

Duo: I told you I’m going to win! Listen to all those screams? There’s no way anyone can beat me, not even Birdman!

Zechs (growl): Duo….

Carrot: All right then. Next we have Heero Yuy in a familiar little number.

(Heero walks out, his face the screwed into an unemotional scowl. His chest is bared and glistening in the overhead lights, the lower half of his body covered in a pair of spandex black shorts.)

Carrot: Don’t you own anything besides spandex?

Duo: That’s not fair! Those are the same shorts you always wear!

Heero: Hn.

Duo: Go put something else on! Unless, of course, you want me to come help you. (wink)

Heero: Shut up Duo.

Carrot: Ever heard of variety, Mr. Heart of the Universe?

Heero: Omae o Korosu.

Carrot: And our next contestant is the loveable, adorable Quatre Raberba Winner!

(Quatre shyly steps out on stage, blue eyes wide. He is wearing a pair of pink, knee-length swimming trunks.)

Duo: You’re as bad at Heero. Don’t you have anything other than pink?

Quatre: This was what I was given.

Duo: You mean you didn’t even pick it out yourself?

Sylphiel: Well, I think Mr. Quatre looks adorable!

Amelia: Yeah! Pink is a very just color.

Lina: I think he looks like a wuss.

Quatre (tears in his eyes): But Miss Lina-

Carrot: What about your opinion, Naga, my love goddess?

Naga:OHOHOHO!

Chauni: Get on to Trowa, Damnit!

Carrot (sigh): All right. Next we have Trowa in a festive outfit!

(Trowa walks out, a small little yellow polka dot and green striped Speedo barely clothing any of his lower body. Large floppy shoes adorn his feet. He passes up talking to Carrot and stands beside Quatre.)

Duo (laughing): Oh my God, Trowa! Did they give that to you to wear?

Trowa: Yes. They thought it looked more like something a clown would wear.

Duo: Oh, man, do I feel bad for you! Hey, Heero, why didn’t they make you wear anything different?

Heero: I threatened to kill them.

Duo: Good reason.

Carrot: Our next bathing- (straining to read the cue-card) Wait! No way am I going to say that!

Chauni: Read the card!

Carrot: No way!

Chauni: I’ll call Tira!

Carrot: I don’t care! I will not say that!

Chauni (takes out phone, dials): Hello, Tira? Is Chocolate with you? I’m having a little situation with Carrot here-

Carrot: Eep! Okay okay! I’ll say it!

Chauni (snaps the phone shut, just as a mechanical voice says “At the tone, the time will be 3:24 pm.): I knew you would see it my way.

Carrot (gulp): Our next bathing (grits teeth) beauty is the lovely Wufei.

(Rough hands shove a protesting Wufei out onto the stage. His chest is glistening in oil and only a small dark blue Speedo covered in dragons covers his lower half.)

Duo: You have more oil on your body than in a car, Wu-man!

Wufei: I have never seen so much injustice in my life!

Amelia: Wow! Someone else who believes in justice!

Wufei: Shut up, woman! I will have my revenge! I will not allow my honor to be smeared by this cruelty!

Carrot: Oh come on! Stop with the moral talk already!

Wufei: Where is that woman, Chauni? I will have my vengeance!

Chauni: Bring it on!

Carrot: Okay, and out last contestant, that (gulp) irresistible bird of pleasure, Zechs Merquise!

(Zechs walks out, long hair flowing out behind him. His face is grim behind the shining mask, his lips set in a straight deadly line. His upper body is bare, a light sheen of oil making it glitter, while on his lower half hugs a skin-tight Speedo that leaves nothing to the imagination. The small bit of clothing is a bright, almost blinding, sky blue with pink and yellow birds in flight covering it. Where a certain part of his male anatomy was extremely defined, a giant white stork stood, looking proud.)

Duo (snicker): Well, there. Nice bird ya got there, Zechs.

Zechs: I will not hesitate to take your life.

Duo (laughing): Where are you planning on hiding a gun in that outfit? Oh wait, I don’t want to know!

Heero (grabs the long chestnut braid and stuffs the end into the endlessly flapping maw of the Deathscythe pilot): Shut up.

Carrot (looking behind the stage): Hey, Chauni, can we be done with this yet?

Chauni (pout): But I like looking at them in their bathing suits!

Everyone (GLARE OF DEATH): Chauni!

Chauni (sigh and pout): All right. On to the talent competition!

(Everyone runs off stage while the music plays.)

Chauni (looking around, confused): Carrot, where are you?

(Lights travel throughout the hall, suddenly falling on Naga. Carrot is lying across her lap, head immersed in her bountiful chest, humming into them.)

Chauni: Carrot! You get back on this stage right now, or I’ll get all the guys back out here in their bathing suits and make them dance for you!

Carrot (getting up and pouting): Don’t worry, Naga, I’ll be back later!

(Carrot runs and hops back onto the stage, then faces the audience.)

Carrot: Well, now we reached the talent competition where each one of the guys will show us what he can do. First off, we have Zechs.

Chauni: No, we don’t. He got mad and left.

Carrot: Why didn’t you stop him?

Chauni: Obviously you haven’t seen him mad (shiver).

Carrot: Okay, so I suppose we’ll start with Trowa. He’s going to stack each one of these objects perfectly on top one another without dropping a single one.

(Trowa walks out, making his way to a scattered table. Wine glasses, cutlery, and plates litter it, with one center spot in the middle to build his tower. He grabs a wine glass, then another and begins constructing.)

Carrot: This is boring. Let’s lighten it up some!

(Suddenly a unicycle is brought out on stage and discarded beside the Heavyarms pilot.)

Trowa: What are you expecting me to do?

Carrot: Ride that as you’re building, of course.

Trowa: No.

Carrot: Aw, come on! It’ll be a lot more fun and might increase your chance of winning.

Trowa: I don’t care if I win.

Carrot: You’re no fun! All right, your turn is over then!

Chauni: I get to decide when they’re over!

Carrot: Not this time! Wufei is next! His talent is- (squints to read the cue card) motivational speaking. (looks up, confused)

(Wufei stomps out onto stage, facing the judges. He’s dressed in an army uniform, his face set in a scowl.)

Wufei: You are all weak! You talk about justice! You talk about righteousness! All I see are a bunch of weak WOMEN!

Lina (glaring, fireball hovering above her hand): What did you say?

Wufei: You don’t frighten me! You’re not even a woman! You’re just a weak little girl!

Carrot: This is motivational speaking?!?!?

Chauni: It’s supposed to get them to want to be strong, I guess.

Carrot: That Lina girl is going to kill him!

Lina: FIREBALL!

Wufei (ducking): You missed, woman! I would taint my honor to even battle with you!

Lina (jumping up): Oh yeah? I will whip you into next week!

Carrot (grabbing Wufei’s arm and dragging him away): Alrighty then. Onto our next contestant, we have Quatre Winner, doing his (looks questioningly at the cards) “Sad-puppy dog” look? Huh?

(Quatre shuffles onto the stage, a beam of yellow light encasing his small form. Suddenly, he looks up, his eyes watering and large, like Bambi’s before his mother was shot. His face is smooth and young, yet undeniably sad in an adorable sort of way.)

Everyone in the place: Awwwwwww!

Carrot (wiping a tear from his eye): Isn’t that the cutest thing folks? Okay, next up is Duo who will be entrancing us all with his dance.

(Duo walks out on stage, dressed in all tight black clothes. He’s wearing dark sunglasses that make it impossible to see his amethyst eyes. His mouth is screwed into an evil smirk. Suddenly music fills the room.)

Music: I'm too sexy for my love,

Too sexy for my love

Love's going to leave me

(Duo struts out towards the front of the stage, swinging his hips back and forth. The audience erupts into ecstatic screams.)

Carrot: No way am I gonna watch this!

Chauni (staring): Then close your eyes! Take it off, Duo!

Music: I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt

So sexy it hurts.

(Duo grabs the black shirt that he had chosen to wear and rips it open, black buttons flying everywhere. With a quick tug, it’s off his chest and he throws it into the audience below. A mad rush of women dive for it and soon a mosh pit is born.)

Music: And I'm too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan

New York and Japan

And I'm too sexy for your party, too sexy for your party

No way I'm disco dancing.

(At this, Duo strikes the famous disco pose, thrusting his pelvis out. Screams erupt once more.)

Music: I'm a model, you know what I mean

And I do my little turn on the catwalk

(Duo drops down onto all fours, and begins crawling across the stage, brandishing a seductive smile.)

Music: Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah

I shake my little touche on the catwalk.

(Duo shakes his butt, wiggling it with all his might. From the back of the stage, Wufei’s nose sprouts a massive bloody leak.)

Carrot: Stop this!

Chauni: Over my dead body!

Carrot: I can arrange that you know.

Chauni: Shut up! (thinks for a moment) Where did he get this CD anyway? I mean, who would actually listen to this song?

Carrot (whistling innocently): I have no idea.

Chauni: Liar!

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