Author: Chauni

Website: www.oocities.org/asukalangley2nd/

Warnings: Angst, Language, Yaoi

Pairings: 1x2, 1x3, 3x4, 5+2

Disclaimer: I don’t own GW. Made not one dime off this, so no suing please.

In Wake of Myself

“Did you miss me?”

I had been bombarded by questions like this since the day Duo had returned, his voice almost always begging me. I think he needed me to say “yes” to confirm his own worth in living, but I’m not sure. I think, perhaps, that he may be weaker than I once thought, but I don’t like thinking of him like that. It’s almost as if I taint his memory.

His memory? I make it sound as if he’s still dead! Goddamn, I’m an idiot. Why couldn’t I tell him what had happened while he was gone? Am I weak, too?

No, I wasn’t doing it for me. I was doing it for Trowa; Trowa, who had apparently forgotten all about me the second Quatre had stumbled back into the house, our house. I was nothing more than a memory, something to dwell on when his little golden angel was missing, which was rare.

And it drove me fucking nuts!

“I see.”

My words always sounded so foreign to myself, and even more so now as they bounced off the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets to strike against my ears. My hands were folded against the cold wood of the table and the chair chewed uncomfortably into my back. This was the one thing I had wanted so long for: answers to my questions. I was eager to hear it all, but no way in hell would I tell them that.

Duo nodded, and I could feel his hand on my thigh underneath the table, the long fingers lazily drawing small circles and hearts. His face was strangely somber, and I realized for the first time, just how much hardship he had gone through this last year. Of course, I did not pity him; he was a soldier after all, but beyond that, he was a Gundam pilot. Agony was to be expected.

“Yeah, so Doctor J thought we had all become too dependent on each other,” my braided koi said, looking across at Quatre for a moment. “And he somehow knew of the, uh, relationships we had all, um, developed.”

Wufei nodded, interrupting Duo and continuing the story. “He thought we were becoming weak and were soon going to be a liability to the missions of the future. He set us up; the dishonorable bastard wanted us to die!”

Quatre, who sat next to Trowa, looked up into that one familiar visible emerald eye, a grim smile turning up the corner of his lips. “We barely survived that battle,” he said, voice tight. “We have spent the last year recuperating underground, and searching for you.”

“We came across some files on you over the computer,” Duo chimed in, suddenly beaming happily. “Well, I should say that I did! It had to do with a mortgage and house payment. So, that’s how we tracked you down!”

His hand tightened on my leg, squeezing pleasantly as if afraid I would leave him. I wondered if he saw the way I stared at Quatre and Trowa as they draped themselves all over one another across from me. I wondered if he could feel the fire in my gaze as my heart clenched uncharacteristically within my chest. I wondered if he knew how deeply angered I was truly getting. Not that it mattered anyway; Trowa knew I would never show it, for my sake as well as his.

Duo’s arms snaked around my neck, driving the thoughts from my head. His voice was husky, yet so full of emotion that I almost felt guilty for the way I was thinking of Trowa and Quatre.

Almost.

“I love you.”

“Did you hear me, Heero? I asked if you missed me.”

I could hear him shift on the bed, the rustle of his body against the sheets. I kept my back to him, feeling his gaze pound into me like enemy fire, noting how truly uncomfortable sharing a bed with him was. One arm slipped around my body, drawing me closer to his naked chest.

“Of course I missed you,” I muttered. “Stop asking me stupid questions. You sound like an idiot.”

He dug his face into the back of my head, breathing in my hair. “You never change, do you, Heero? Always the strong silent type ‘til the end.”

“Why are you asking me such trivial questions anyway?” I asked, my voice even.

Again, he shifted, moving slightly away from me, a small sigh escaping his lips and brushing against one of my earlobes. “I-I don’t know,” he lied.

“Duo,” I growled.

He sighed once more and I could feel his eyes closing, don’t ask me how, I just could. Maybe because I know him so well that I can predict what he will do next, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.

“It seems like you’re not happy to see me,” he muttered, talking fast so I wouldn’t hear him.

“Hn.”

Our night had ended like that; any more words that might have been spoken would have fallen dead onto our tainted bed, and we both knew it. I think he realized it then, the grim reality of what had happened while he had been absent. During that night, I awoke to the sound of someone crying nearby. I wanted to stop it, block it from my ears any way possible, but I was frozen. I suffered with my conscience for twenty minutes before Duo finally drifted off to sleep, damn him.

Duo’s eyes have always been beautiful, but I would never dream of telling him that; he is too obsessed with that damn braid of his; he doesn’t need something else to stupidly fawn over. But, it goes beyond the color, beyond that pure clear violet, and it’s really their innocence and recklessness, something each one of us ex-pilots always wanted, but dared not even speak of. I always secretly envied him for his ability to let go, even if it was a weakness.

It had been three days since that night in bed. His eyes were dead now, and they stared at me, all day, all night. I wanted to rip them from his head, not caring if I left bloodied sockets in their wake! They were so damn accusing, so damn vacant, so damn lost. I just wanted them to stop!

And then there are the sickening lovebirds. I swear, they have to know they were driving me over the edge. There was not one minute that Quatre’s head wasn’t in Trowa’s lap or they were holding hands, or their lips were- Shit! I hated this. If I actually had a soul, it was currently being torn to bloody shreds.

So, I decided it was time to leave. If I had to take one more minute of those haunting eyes and that ridiculous couple, I would blow up the entire house, and no one dared ever doubt that I wouldn’t do it. I went to my room, not caring that it was the middle of the day and there would most likely be protests from Duo or Quatre about my abandonment.

While packing, I heard the soft footsteps of someone outside my bedroom door, and again, I could feel a set of eyes on me. I refused to turn around, not wanting to meet Duo’s dead gaze, so I continued throwing clothes into my bag.

“Going somewhere, Yuy?”

That voice forced me look over my shoulder. Wufei’s dark sloe eyes stared passively back at me, his face devoid of emotion as he leaned against the doorway, arms folded in front of him. You know, maybe in another time, another place, with his strength and mine, we could have made a good couple. Wait a minute! Why am I even thinking of this? As if my life has not been tormented enough already by my foolish, expendable feelings! I knew I shouldn’t have ever allowed myself any sort of emotions, even if the damn war was over with! They served no purpose, other than to make me angry.

I returned to my dresser, throwing clothes into my bag carelessly. “What does it matter to you?”

“What happened between you and Duo?” he asked.

I gave myself away by slamming a shirt into my bag. “None of your damn business.”

“Was it you or him?”

“Damnit, Wufei!” I yelled, whirling on him. “Just leave me the hell alone!”

Wufei only raised an eyebrow and had the nerve to strut into my room, plopping himself down on my bed. “So, this is it, then?” he asked, his voice satin. “Just going to pack up and leave Duo behind like he’s nothing? Or, is it because of Trowa that you’re running away?”

I said nothing, my face not betraying me once, as I looked at him.

“You make yourself very obvious sometimes, Yuy,” he stated, those almond orbs never leaving my face. “I saw the way you stared at them all the time, with so much fury it could have melted through a Gundam.”

So, I was found out. “Hn.”

“And so, which one are you leaving for?” he inquired like a gossip hungry mother. “Duo, or Trowa?”

I turned away, continuing my hurried packing. “Does it really matter? I’m still leaving.”

“It matters to them!” Wufei said, hopping to his feet. “You have seen the look in Duo’s eyes, Yuy! You think that by leaving they’re going to return to normal?”

I held his heavy gaze, face indifferent. His eyes roamed over me, my stance, my eyes, my lips, and then he nodded, understanding. “You’re not leaving to help them, are you, coward? You are running away from them.”

I clenched my fist, a snarl leaping to my lips. God, I wanted nothing more than to run over and punch him, shutting his damn cocky mouth. “Get out!”

He stood his ground, which didn’t surprise me. This was Wufei, after all. “I’m not here for you, Yuy,” he said. “I’m here for Maxwell.”

“Duo?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes,” he said, returning to his seat on my bed. “Maxwell and I-” He looked around, as if trying to find the right words. “We got close.”

“You slept with him,” I replied, my words hanging in the air like weights.

He looked down, but I could still see the red blush that crept into his cheeks. I had to restrain against every urge to leap across the bed and smash his head into the thick headboard, and yes, I know that sounds hypocritical.

“Once, Yuy,” he finally answered. “We were intoxicated. You know how he loves to drink.”

“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” I calmly ventured.

“Does it really matter?” he asked in return.

I shrugged, cocking my head to the side. “I suppose not.” I grabbed a pair of pants from my dresser, tossing them into the bag. “Well, I would think you would be happy about me leaving if that’s the case.”

“You don’t get it, do you?” he growled. His hand snaked over, snatched up my bag, and threw it across my room, sending clothes and other personal items scattering all over my floor. “I care about him enough to want him to be happy above all else, and for some reason that I don’t understand, he’s the happiest when he’s with you! So I have resigned myself to do whatever I can to make that spark return to his eyes!”

I stared at him for a long moment, watching as his bronze chest heaved beneath the sleeveless blue shirt he wore. His face was flat, emotionless, but his eyes betrayed him; they always did. His sloe black orbs were always passionate, wild with fervor for justice or his Nataku. Duo was just one more passion to throw into the mix.

I stomped over, picked up my belongings from the floor, and threw them back into my bag. I zipped it up and swung it over my shoulder, catching and holding Wufei’s gaze.

“Good luck,” I said, and then walked out of the room.

And as I marched through the house, I could feel the heavy weight of Duo’s eyes on my back and I could hear the silent choke that caught in his throat. I didn’t dare spare him one look; I couldn’t afford it. Wufei had made it sound as if I owed that braided baka something, but I knew I didn’t. Right?

I need to get back to me, the true me that had been solely bent on missions and avoided such frivolous, pointless emotions. They were all unnecessary and useless, and I had been better off without them. I slammed the door behind me, shaking the frame, and stepped out into the cool spring air. Time to begin a new life.

Time to begin a new me.