Author: Chauni

Website: www.oocities.org/asukalangley2nd/

Warnings: Angst, Duo’s POV, Shonen-ai

Pairings: 2+1

Disclaimer: I don’t own the GW boy or the show, and I made no money off this.

I Sigh

I sigh.

It seems that’s all I can do lately, which is rather depressing. My façade is starting to break down. Usually upbeat and cheerful, almost to the point idiocy, this is so unlike me. I want to be carefree; I want to feel the happiness that is so accustomed to me, but something within won’t allow me to indulge in that one simple pleasure.

I sigh.

No one notices the change in me, but that is to be expected. I continue to wear the mask that is so believable. Perhaps it is not the fact that I am a good actor that makes people believe that this is the real me, but because it is easier to deal with illusions that than the truth. Reality is always more difficult, more stressful. Yes, this way, no one has to work, has to dig, has to get personal…

I digress again, rambling on as usual. That is to be expected as well, I suppose.

The mask I wear is good; I have to admit. I have created an entire new personae, one that does not exist, but one that everyone perceives to. I have mannerisms, sayings, and ways of thinking that fit only with this character that I play, this actor that is not me.

Not me.

I sigh.

I suppose I have earned the name, Shinigami, but I feel more like the uncaring God of Death than anyone can imagine. Only one person has ever given me any hope of resurrecting my past, of helping me cast off this mask of deceit and lies. However, my own self-doubts come into play, and I chose against it, but still, to that unknowing person, I am forever indebted.

I raise my head as I hear someone’s footsteps coming to a stop outside the door of the dark room I currently occupy. Light briefly shines across the tile floor as the door slides open, blinding me for just a moment. Quickly, I don the familiar smile that commonly rests upon my deceiving lips.

A shadow fills the doorway, blocking out the light like an eclipse. The smile becomes strained as the customary thought fills my head. Does he know this isn’t me?

His dark hair is an unruly mess sitting on his head, making it look playful and tousled as if he just woke up. His face is stern and emotionless, his body thin but unwavering. The usual green shirt covers his chest, while his routine knee-length shorts cover the rest of him. I wonder if he realizes how predictable he has become with his wardrobe.

His eyes stare at me and for a moment, and I forget my place. A piercing harsh cobalt, a color that words cannot describe. They always make the breath catch in my throat as their gaze strokes me, examines me.

I toss the long braid that has become my signature trait over my shoulder. It slides down my back and rests on the bed where I am sitting. My lips slightly hurt as I strain to keep the smile there.

“So, Heero,” I say. “What do I owe this visit to?”

His eyes stare at me still. I want to lose myself in them. I want to tell him everything I think, everything I feel. I want him to accept me for who and what I am, not this mirage of a person. I want him to know that I can be as cold and calculating as he is, and I want him to love me just the same for it.

His voice is emotionless and even as he tells me of the activities happening tomorrow, all I can think of is that I want to reveal my soul to him. Another battle, another war. Does he know I would die for him? Does he know that I would happily end my existence to save his own?

I answer in the happy cheery way I usually do, that false lie of a smile still living upon my strained lips. He looks me over and turns to go, but stops in the doorway. He turns towards me, his mouth opening for just a moment, as if to say something.

Our eyes meet.

It’s at this point, I know he knows. He realizes this isn’t the true me, this grinning idiot. He knows how lonely and cold I am inside. He knows my past, he knows my future.

He knows my feelings.

He turns and leaves the room, the door slowly sliding shut, taking all the light with him. I sit in the darkness, knowing that he has all the knowledge he could ever hope for.

And I sigh.

The End