Author: Chauni

Website: www.oocities.org/asukalangley2nd/

Warnings: Yaoi, Fusion, Bad Comedy, Spoilers for Eva

Pairings: 1x2, 3x4

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or Neon Genesis Evangelion and this is just really really bad ><

Notes: Read at your own risk.

One of the most highly adored and revered shows has made its way to your home, remastered and totally redone. All new actors were brought in (the others, from what we are told, are relaxing and having a long and pleasant vacation where they are waited on hand and foot by nice men in white doctor coats and remain in rooms with padded walls) and their talent adds new life to a beloved anime favorite. Without any further adieu, I present to you,

“Neon Gundam Evangelion”!

Narrator: Meet Shinji Ikari, a 14-year-old boy whose life was seemingly content until he received a mysterious phone call that sent him across towns and to Tokoyo-3 and into a downward spiral.

(Heero stands beside a phone booth in a deserted street, his hair neatly combed as he shifts uncomfortably in a button-down white shirt and blue dress pants. He listens to a recording through the receiver, and angered, slams his fist into the phone, destroying it upon contact.)

Director: No, no, no, Heero! Shinji is passive and confused, not aggressive and perpetually pissed!

Heero (glancing up): Not anymore.

Narrator: Enter the next player, a Miss Misato Katsuragi. A woman of incredible beauty and intelligence, she hides scars that will never truly heal.

(Around the corner whirls a speeding blue sports car, squealing its tires as it stops before Heero. The door swings open to reveal a grinning Duo, hair unbound and wearing a stuffed, black, tight mini-dress. A silver cross dangles from a thin chain from around his neck as he looked over a pair of black sunglasses towards Heero.)

Duo: I got the best part in the whole show! Not only am I good-looking, smart, have a high rank, and half of the world’s hentais are lusting after me, but I get to drink a lot of beer and kiss Heero! Woohoo!

Director: What are you saying! Read the damn script!

Duo: Haven’t you heard of improv before?

Director (clutching temples, painfully): Oh, my head!

Narrator: Next, is Rei Ayanami. Sensual as she is silent, she complies with whatever is asked of her. A troubled unknown past possesses secrets no one can even imagine.

(Duo and Heero stand in a dark room, illuminated only by the dozens of tanks that line the walls. Numerous naked Trowas float in the tanks, hair swaying lazily in the liquids.)

Duo: Man, this is a yaoi writer’s dream come true!

Director: Can someone hand me my Prozac, please?

Narrator: Here is Soryu Asuka Langley; spirited, willful, intelligent, haunted. Her outrageous ego and overwhelming arrogance

covers for agonies left untouched for years.

(Wufei walks out of the bathroom, clad in nothing but a towel wrapped around his wet body and the crown of his head. He leans over the kitchen table where Heero is seated, calmly eating instant curry with a half-drunk Duo.)

Wufei: Shinji, you are such a weakling! Do you hear me? WEAK!

Heero: Hn.

Wufei: You and that inhuman doll, Trow- er, I mean, Rei! You do whatever people tell you to do! Where is your sense of integrity? You are weak!

Heero: Hn.

Narrator: Behind Nerv and Shinji is Commander Gendo Ikari. Possessed by a demon of obsession, and totally regardless of any need for his son, he would forfeit the world for his ideals.

(Treize stands in front of a window overlooking the Nerv facility, hands folded behind his back. Glasses gleam in the light as a ghost of a smile rests upon his lips.)

Director: I told you not to smile, Treize! Gendo doesn’t smile!

Treize: But I look so much better when I smile! I really am quite photogenic, you know. Think of all the merchandise we can sell if I’m smiling. Perhaps we can discuss this on my jet...

Narrator: And of course, where there is Gendo Ikari, there is Kozo Fuyutsuki, the Commander’s closest friend and subordinate.

(Zechs Marquise stands to the right of sitting, brooding Treize, his hands clasped behind his back.)

Zechs: Damnit! Who took my mask?

Director (handing a hundred dollar bill to Wufei): Thank you. I told him he couldn’t wear it but he refused to listen to me.

Narrator: Doctor, scientist, woman; Ritsuko Akagi was all of these and more. However, bitter and cold, she hides a beating heart that is as human as the rest of her.

(The scene cuts to the main control room, where an intense and serious Lady Une stares at the video that plays over the large window in the room. A long white lab coat hangs off her body as she almost ignores the other people, including Noin who plays Maya, working furiously at the computers behind her stoic form.)

Lady Une: It’s not accepting the signal! It can’t be! Wait a minute… (pulls out the script and rummages through it) These are my only lines in the whole series! I repeat the same thing in ever episode!

Director: Look at the movie script. You have more lines there.

Lady Une: Lines? Only one line, and it’s one word! “Liar”! Damn, I knew I should have changed agents when Mr. Treize did!

Duo (in the background): Ritsuko and Maya sitting in a tree….

Narrator: Besides the official life of the Nerv organization, the chosen children have a personal life, mostly revolving around school and the interaction within. There is the Class Representative, Hikari Horaki.

(Hilde, smiling softly, stands in her kitchen, busily making a lunch.)

Narrator: And then there is Kensuke Aida. Aida’s life is one obsessed by war and the military, without any thought of anything else. To some people, such as Aida, war is but a game to see who can come out victorious.

(Dorothy stands, machine gun brandished, and camouflage war paint covering her face. She laughs as she waves around her gun.)

Narrator: However, even personal lives are manipulated by the powers that be. Case in point, Toji Suzuhara. Simple student that wanted no part in the battle, Toji was dragged into the thick of a war for mankind as designated pilot of Eva-03, soon to be known as the 13^th Angel.

(Relena sits inside the entry plug of Unit 03, face set grimly. She begins shrieking as red lights begin to flash and battle music kicks up in the background.)

(Suddenly we see Unit 01, and Heero inside.)

Lady Une: You must take out that Angel, Shinji.

Heero: Mission Accepted.

Director: No! You are supposed to refuse! This is a heart wrenching scene where you realize that it is Toji inside that other Eva and your father uses the Dummy Plug system to control Unit 01 against your will! This is drama at its finest. Try it again!

Lady Une: You must take out that Angel, Shinji.

Heero: Doesn’t Relena play Toji?

Director: Yes.

Heero: Mission Accepted.

Duo: Go Dummy Plug System! Woohoo!

Director: Aaahh!

Narrator: The powers that be; those that secretly control the world and its evolution. Enter Seele; the unknown group of power that chooses what path humanity takes.

(The monoliths appear, each one numbered. They are floating and tall, black and ominous. Suddenly, where the onyx pillars that are hovering, appears the Gundam professors, the scientists. Where the monolith labeled, “Seele 01” is none other than Dr. J.)

Narrator: And the final player in this production is the mysterious Kaworu Nagisa. Gentle and quiet, his eyes hide something that hinders his soul, a mission that involves the fates of man and God.

(The room is dark with both Heero and Quatre lying under blankets. Both are staring into the dark, Heero with his normal cobalt orbs and Quatre with red iris’ due to some expensive contacts.)

Quatre: You are delicate like glass.

Heero: Am I?

Quatre: Yes, and that earns my sympathy.

Heero: Sympathy?

Quatre: In other words, I like you. I was probably born to meet you.

Duo: Now, wait just damn a minute! Stop right there! I don’t like where this is going!

Trowa: I will have to agree with Duo on this one. And why don’t you say such romantic things to me, Quatre?

Quatre: I’m just reading the script! And I never knew you wanted me to. Maybe if you talked a little more, I would know these things.

Duo: Looks to me like you were getting pretty into it there, Quatre!

Director: All right, you guys, time to shoot the shower scene with Shinji and Kaworu!

Duo: Don’t even think about it! The God of Death says no way!

Narrator: Not only are you delivered this much angst at such a low, low cost, but you also receive these great mecha shots. Watch as the Evangelions take on the destructive Angels, in effort to stop the Third Impact. Here are a few of the Angels:

(The third Angel [Sachiel] is shown as a Leo, with Angel number four [Shamsel] being a Taurus. The sixth Angel [the underwater one known as Gaghiel] is flashed, revealing itself as a Cancer, where an Aries is the tenth and air-born Angel known as Sahaquiel)

Narrator: Also, guest starring that famed cabbit from “Tenchi Muyo” is Ryo-oh-ki as Pen Pen! So, if you’re in the mood for some heavy drama and pure dysfunction of any kind, or just want to see some really big robots destroy stuff, pick up the new remastered version of “Neon Gundam Evangelion” today! If you buy now, we’ll even through in The End Of Evangelion, the movie! It contains such great scenes as these:

Duo (placing his silver cross in Heero’s hand): And then... after finding yourself... come back to me. It's a promise. Now, go.

(Duo leans in to Heero, who is pushed against the wall. His lips fall hungrily onto the other boy’s, devouring his whole mouth in a soul-encompassing kiss. Suddenly, the braided boy pulls away.)

Duo: That's a grownup kiss. We'll do the rest when you get back...

(Duo pushes a slightly stunned Heero into an elevator, but not before grabbing the boy’s butt and winking at him while mouthing the words “Call me, babe”.)

Director: Thank God for editing.

Duo (wicked grin across his lips): I wasn’t happy with that kiss take. Can we do another?

Heero: Pervert.

Narrator: And then there’s this memorable scene:

(Treize stands before a naked Trowa in a dark room. Behind them hangs the foreboding figure of Lilth on the cross. Suddenly, Trowa’s arm detaches itself from his body and falls slowly to the ground.)

Treize: There's no time. Your AT Field can no longer hold your shape. Let's begin, Rei. Release your AT Field, the barrier of your heart. Complement your imperfect heart, leave your useless body. Merge all souls into one. And then, take me to Yui's side

(Treize plunges his hand into Trowa’s stomach up to his wrist, searching and feeling around. Suddenly, he turns to the camera, smiling.)

Treize (wink): You know, I would much rather have my hand in some of Wufei’s body parts.

Wufei (of screen): Stop defiling my ears with your pervert talk!

Treize: That’s not what you told me last night, my little dragon.

Narrator: Included is also this touching and revealing scene:

(Wufei sits in a dark and quiet entry plug, hands clutching his temples. Suddenly, his face lights up as his eyes open wide, mouth working in screams of elation.)

Wufei: Nataku... Nataku! I understand now... The meaning of the AT Field. It's always protecting me! Always watching over me! Always... always together! Nataku!

Director: Damnit, Wufei! How many times do I have to tell you, it’s “Mama” not “Nataku”! Someone grab me my Paxil and a martini!

Narrator: And finally, these two passion-filled moments of love:

(A maniacally laughing Heero is holding the limp body of Wufei a foot off the floor by his throat in the kitchen. The insane laughter echoes throughout the small room as he shakes the sagging body within his tight grasp.)

Duo: You know, I think he’s enjoying that a little too much.

(The scene changes. Heero and Wufei are lying side by side on a deserted ethereal beach. Behind them, a cracked and broken giant head of Trowa looms on its side in the background. Heero leans over and begins to strangle Wufei again, his fingers digging into the soft flesh of the other boy’s throat, but stops when Wufei reaches up and lightly strokes Heero’s cheek. Defeated, the boy lets go and falls onto his back beside Wufei.)

Wufei: I feel sick

Heero: I think it’s your bad acting.

Director: Cut! Finally! Now, get the editing people on the phone. We’re going to need all the help we can get! And where’s my damn martini and Paxil already?

Narrator: So, if you haven’t had your daily dose of angst, dysfunction, and mechs for the day, go out and get “Neon Gundam Evangelion” today! You’ll be depressed if you did!