Squeeze

First and foremost, I want to say that I am totally sane. Everything I am about to do, I do so with a clear mind. My actions are what is required, damnit. I know this. I cannot allow his chaste soul to be tainted anymore.

Quatre…

His is the path of life, of affection and passion that few can experience in this hellish world. In a place that is groped by war and destruction, he is the angel of mercy to them all, even behind his own doubts. Yes, he has doubts, horrible, haunting uncertainties that make him scream into the night. I am always there to hold him though, to comfort him to sleep once more.

I want to ease his pain. I can see it etched into every crevice of his face when he battles, when he talks of what we are forced to do. His voice is heavy during the combat, sounding almost like my own, and I want to stop it before it progresses.

I don’t want him to turn out like me.

His innocence is so captivating that it is unreal. He is unreal. Something that beautiful cannot be true. It is only my war-mangled mind that forces me to dream people like my angel up. There is no innocence left in this world!

But I feel him nestle closer to me in the throes of some wicked nightmare, his arms seeking me out in the darkness. His face is buried into the crook of my neck and I can smell his hair, a fragrant flowery smell that reminds me of Duo’s shampoo. The moonlight dances across his sweat slick back, catching in the small jewels of perspiration and reflecting them outward.

He’s so delicate in my arms. I pull the white discarded sheet over his trembling body, which calms him slightly. He reminds me of a child, but that’s not totally true. He is strong; he is brave. He is also so dreadfully pure and innocent. No scars are laid across his body yet; not like mine.

I shudder in the shadows, closing my eyes. I silently worm my way out of his loose embrace and walk over to my dresser. I’m naked and the night air is too cold against my marked flesh. I want to jump back under the blankets with him, but I can’t. I know this. There is something I have to do.

I have come to the horrible conclusion that Quatre should not be of this world and by my hand only. His purity is too good for this pathetic place and I could not stand to watch his soul be tainted by the horrors of a war we must battle in. If his heart were to turn out like mine, then all would be lost.

But, as long as he stays here with me, it is inevitable. He would never leave of his own accord; I know this as surely as I know I could not do the same. But if his innocence is corrupted and taken away, then there is no hope for anyone.

There is no hope for me.

Some might say that he was tainted when in the Zero system, but that was not his fault. He was the pawn of something much larger than even he or I could comprehend, and once he was rid of those effects, he returned the same as before.

Quatre does not deserve what this world will give him. He should not be broken like everyone else. He is something that should be marveled. He is heaven; he is faith. I know this from lying in bed with him on winter nights and from the way he smiles so large that his clear eyes light up. I know this from the way he fights and the way he loves. I know this from knowing him.

I am not worthy of his affection. I am used; I am tainted. I have killed mercilessly and would do so again without a thought. My soul was reborn when I found him, but that does not change who I am.

I am a killer.

The familiar metal rests in my trembling hands. This isn’t right. I never shake. Of course, this isn’t some terrorist or soldier I’m going to dispose of tonight. This time, it’s my lover. A person who should have never been born, because then…then I wouldn’t be shaking! I wouldn’t be regretting what I’m about to do! I wouldn’t be fighting myself! I wouldn’t be dying, too!

I don’t believe in God, but I want to say right now that I am praying for my beloved’s soul. He doesn’t deserve to suffer like us. He doesn’t deserve the hell that Wufei, Heero, Duo, and I endure every day. I won’t allow him to end up like us. I won’t allow the world to break him!

I walk past a mirror as I make my way back to the bed, catching a glimpse of myself in the glass. Why does he love me? I am wiry and tall and naked, and my skin is marked in puckered spots from old scars that show just how abused I am. The moonlight catches my eyes and the crazy gleam in them unnerves even me. My hair is totally mussed and shooting out all over. I look like a mad derelict. I wonder what Catherine would think if she could see me now.

I press the barrel against his temple. A playful wisp of a smile is barely visible in the tendrils of the shadows, but I can hear him whisper my name in a sleep-laden voice. I wonder if he’s dreaming of me.

I wish my hand would stop trembling.

Not that it matters. When I’m finished delivering my love, I will do so for myself. It is only fitting.

Squeeze…

His blood is warm. Even that heats me.

Squeeze…

Squeeze

The End