Welcome To My World, Now Leave Me Alone! (October 22, 1998)

I feel the need, once again, to bring up the fact that all customers are jerks. And I say that with no shame, because even when I am a customer in a place, I'm a jerk too. I can't help it. The moment I become a customer, I also become a jerk. Why do I say this? Well now if you ask that question you have never worked in retail, or in a service job.

So here, my friends, in a follow up to 'It Must Be Free' are more stupid things that you say to store employees that pisses them off.

While I'm sitting on the vile, dirt encrusted floor resetting the bottom shelf, "Sitting down on the job, eh?": Don't start with me. I'm probably getting the ebola virus from this grimy tile just so that you can look at nice neat boxes and cans (as if you ever notice anyway) and you think I'm enjoying myself? HA ha. You sit on this cold smelly floor and see how you like it. And then maybe I'll ram into you with my cart. Speaking of which...

While they are parking thier stupid carts right behind my back while I'm stocking a shelf, "Don't back up, I'm right behind you.": First of all, you stupid jerk, why not utilize some of the other 50 or so avalable square feet in this asile to park your cart in instead of putting it up my ass. And second of all, don't tell me what to do. I'm perfectly capable of not falling stupid and dork-like into your cart. I won't die if you don't warn me.

"Does (insert competor store's name here) have thier own brand of (insert item here)?": How amd I supposed to know? I don't work there. Find out where you are, you old bag, is it that hard to remember what store you're in? There IS a big lighted sign with our name on it out front, should we put one inside too? And on the subject of real stupidity and being completely unaware of one's surroundings...

"They really should have a clock in here, do you know what time it is?" Yes, it's a quarter to 4 and I know that because I'm looking at the THREE FOOT SQUARE FACED THREE SIDED CLOCK hanging right smack in the front of the store that you can see from almost every corner of the entire building, but since you're right in front of it, you would have missed it anyway.

While I'm standing directly in back of someone holding cases of something (usually heavy) waiting for them to move because they have been reading every lable on the shelf but only in the exact spot that I need to be to be putting the stupid product on the shelf because I'm about to drop it on the floor because it's really really really heavy and cumbersome and you've been there for 10 minutes will you move already??? "Am I in your way?": YES! Would I be standing here if you weren't? No, I just like your cologne, now move!

"Oh, this is less expensive at (insert cometor store's name here).": Good for them, what do you want me to do about it? If thier prices are are so low shop there and leave me out of it.

While I'm standing on two milk crates to reach the really far back stuph on the top shelf, "Careful, you could fall.": Thank you Sherlock Holmes for that warning, I never would have known that I could fall, and maybe even hurt myself. oooo....

While I'm taking a pause to look at a shelf to see if a case of product will fit on the shelf, "They keepin' you busy?": What buisness is it of yours? Are you my boss? Did you just buy the company, because as I recall, I'm doing my job, and you're just shopping, so why dont you finish your shoping and leave me out of your small talk. The same goes for anything said about the weather, any sporting event or news item.

"Hmmm, this looks good, have you tried it?": What do I look like to you people, Ralph Nader??? I don't taste things for a living, I just put it on the shelf, I don't make it, or test quality control. Same goes for, "Oh, I tried that and it was awful." I still don't care. I'm not eating it, just putting it on the shelf. What do you want me to do, take the item off the shelf and out of stock because you didn't like it? Do you really think you have that kind of power over time and space???

and last but not least...

Pointing to a giant hole on a shelf where a popular sale item usually is located but it's painfully obvious we are all sold out, "Are you sure there is none out back?": Yes I'm sure. I'm not doing this just to tease you. I don't have some sick fetish, or anything. I don't enjoy having the store look like crap because there are big holes in stuph... do I? If there was some out back I would have given it to you ten minutes ago to get you to leave me alone. Bite me, and got to hell while you're at it. Jerk.